-Feliciano Vargas-

I wish I took more time to think about things. Whenever I stop for a minute and think about what I do, I notice two or three things that were clumsy or silly or not planned at all. I'll be running up to hug someone, than whoops! Sorry I stepped on your toes! Or I'll be eating my gelato too fast and oh! A brain freeze! Or I'll be calling out to someone to say hello and oh, I didn't mean to be so loud…

Sometimes I wonder if I really am stupid, like Romano says I am.

Sometimes I wake up and I just can't get a hold of the world. I sit there in my bed and forget who I am, and all of a sudden the whole reality of life comes back to me and I think to myself, "I'm Italy Veneciano, and I've been alive for 2,000 years. How amazing that is! How amazing it is to be me and be real and be alive!"

It's funny how easy it is for me to forget myself and just sort of float off into the sky; as though God lowered a huge hook from the heavens and it catches me under my ribs and hoists me up into the air as if I had wings! I'll dangle up there thinking about the infinity of stars and the probability of immortal souls until Germany shouts at me to pay attention again.

How I love Germany! I love him so much that it hurts me sometimes, and my chest tightens and my insides squeeze together and for a moment I'll think 'I can't breathe' and I really believe I can't, and so he has to shake me to get me to breathe again.

I wonder if he knows how much it hurts my feelings when he pushes me away from a hug, or locks his door at night, or makes a point to look at everything but me. I hate it when he doesn't tell me what he's thinking, or what he's feeling.

A lot of the time, I want to hold my arms out to him, and shout:

"Ludwig, just look at me for one moment as though you really saw me!"

"Look at me! I'm here, aren't I? How can you not see me when I'm actually here?"

"Things won't always be this wonderful, Ludwig. Someday everyone will be fighting again and people will die and things will be hard, so hard! But for right now let's be happy! Let's LOOK at one another!"

How I wish I could say those things to him…

But, at the same time, I'm happy with how things are between us right now. To me, he's all that keeps me tethered to the world; to what's REAL to what's HERE to what's NOW.

Ludwig is what keeps me alive.

I could never stop myself from wanting him to love me. I want him to hold me, and kiss me, and take away the virginity that I've wanted to give to him for over a century!

Would he want it?

Would he want to make love to me?

Other people want to…Big brother France does! Only, he wants to do that to everyone…

I don't think Gilbert does…I think he's really in love with Big sister Hungary, after all. Isn't that lovely? I ought to tell Gilbert to tell her and then they can get married! And I could design her dress, and cook the wedding dinner, and we could have the ceremony at my house! Right in St. Peter's! And I'd find them a nice villa in Tuscany or Venice for their honeymoon and it would be so romantic! Flowers and music and candles…

Ah, how I love romance. I used to be so content with just watching other people fall in love. I remember the day Japan asked for love advice, because he was in love Mr. Greece, and I was so happy that he wanted my help! When they got married, I was proud, because it meant that something wonderful happened because of me…and that that somehow made up for me being such a coward all the time.

But now…I feel like watching other people be in love just hurts…because Germany doesn't love me…

Please love me, Ludwig…

Please love me, Ludwig….

Please become one with me.