Chapter One: Aftermath
Two years earlier
Kaidan resented being back on Earth. It felt like a failure, they had been utterly defeated and now sent to the naughty corner. Logically he knew that the Alliance was just following procedure, they did investigations whenever a "catastrophic" incident occurred.
But losing a prototype war ship and the first Human Spectre, did not in Kaidan's opinion, fit the term "catastrophic". It felt bigger than that, it needed a label with more meaning, more weight. However, in searching his thoughts for a more appropriate replacement Kaidan came up empty.
On a personal level it was worse, there was nothing that could adequately describe the grief, anger and feeling for utter and complete loss that he held tenuously at bay.
Perhaps the Alliance were also struggling to define the attack on the Normandy. Maybe that was why he had been called for a third time into the Vancouver headquarters for questioning. However, the entire investigation and Joker's court martial was wearing him down and Kaidan was unsure how many more times he could relive the events of the Normandy crash before he cracked. Or revealed too much about the nature of his and Shepard's relationship.
He wasn't interested in hiding the relationship to protect himself from disciplinary repercussions. Now it was all about protecting Shepard's reputation. He hadn't been able to protect her when it mattered and that failure meant that it was even more important for him to protect her now. Naomi had been full of life, a sun that pulled all those around her into her orbit. She would either allow them to radiate in her warmth or defeated them with her flaring rage that had been honed through years of training into efficient weapon. She was, no, had been the centre of Kaidan's universe, even after such a short amount time spent together. But now Kaidan felt that he was aimlessly hurtling through space. The guilt was the worst part of all, feeling like he had failed her, that he could have done more to save her was driving him mad, he felt as though he hadn't slept properly in a month. She had deserved better than an end at the hands of a cowardly hit-and-run attack. The whole situation left Kaidan feeling bitterly cheated and enraged, emotions that he fought hard to suppress, there would be time to grieve later.
In taking a deep steadying breath he calmed the tremor that had spread through his hands, laying them flat on the polished table in front of him. He had already memorised the room in his previous visits. It did not have corners, it just curved where sharp angles should have joined. The white walls were only interrupted by the two way mirror that stretched out in front of him. With only enough room for the metal table and matching uncomfortable chairs left the small room with the effect of a claustrophobic rectangle pod. Clinical and brightly lit Kaidan felt that it was strikingly similar to the C-sec rooms on the Citadel. Other than memorising the sparse room there was little Kaidan could do while waiting for the investigators and it was apparent that they were fans of making him wait. At least this time they had offered Kaidan a coffee to nurse while he was waiting.
He suppressed a small smile as he reached for the now lukewarm coffee. A small part of him still expected to walk out of the room and find her in the hall waiting for him. Her ready smile and cheeky glint to her eyes while she sarcastically vented her frustration about bureaucrats and regulations. It would have been just like her to gloat as she recounted how she "accidently" cracked the rooms mirror while lifting a chair to occupy her boredom. It was juvenile but it fitted the memory of the woman that he had come to love. Clutching the coffee mug like his own personal life raft against the flood of emotion threatening to overwhelm him, Kaidan cursed himself for allowing his mind to wander to Shepard. He needed to remain calm if he was going to keep it together for another round of questioning.
Sipping the coffee he tried to relax, Liara had taught him some meditation techniques which he had often used to help manage the migraines. They were surprisingly effective in keeping grief at bay. One deep breath in. Just one last interrogation. Long exhale out. The coffee was surprisingly bitter and unsweetened, it was really just foul. Just get through this session and he would tempt disciplinary charges and refuse any further "requests". He had already cooperated within reason and enough was enough.
Pain stabbed into the palms of his hand and coffee spilled out over the table.
"Damn it!" Kaidan cursed leaping back from the table, the coffee spilling over the edge, pooling on the floor. For a moment he could only stare, his left right hand still pointless gripped the handle of the now shattered mug. He could feel the biotic charge through his fingers. He took another deep breath and allowed the biotics to lose their charge. There was still a throbbing pain in his right palm where a large chunk of the ceramic cup had imbedded itself. Plucking the shard out dismissively he let drop on the table. Kaidan didn't bother keying in his omnitool for medigel, a little cut wasn't going to kill him after all, instead he moved away from the table to lean against the far wall. It felt good to stand after sitting for so long and so he settled into staring at the door hoping the investigators wouldn't keep him much longer.
He felt bad about the mess but although the door panel was lit the unlocked green, protocol meant that he couldn't leave before being dismissed. The panel may as well have been locked red.
"They do take their sweet time don't they?" Shepard laughed, she was sitting in the investigators seat.
"Yeah…." Kaidan exhaled. Nothing ever bothered her, even waiting in a drab empty room.
Naomi laughed, winking at him as she swung her feet up onto the table and rocking the chair back. Her hands were casually folded behind her head.
"Do you think if I just keep tapping on the window they will hurry the hell up?" She asked reaching up rapping her knuckles on the mirror behind her in repetitive succession.
Shaking his head Kaidan had to look away to stop himself laughing. Naomi was wonderful in her arrogance, she hadn't even bothered to put a uniform to come in today. Instead opting for black jeans, tank top and boots.
Realisation dawned on him. Shepard was dead, he had come to the headquarters alone. He was waiting in the room by himself….
He was almost afraid to look up, the rhythmic tapping had stopped but he was afraid that she would still be sitting there.
She was leaning forward over the table from her seat. Her expression full of concern. Looking at her again took Kaidan's breath away, he didn't care what the implications were. He got to see her again.
"I can go if that's what you want Kaidan" Her voice was exactly as he remembered. His vision of her had her blood red hair falling carelessly lose over her shoulders. Everything about her was beautiful, even the scars over her top lip and left cheek added to her beauty, rather than subtracting from it. He knew he wasn't ready to let her go.
He shook his head sadly in answer.
"Good to hear Lieutenant" Kaidan could hear the smile in her voice. Something must have finally cracked with his L2 implant.
Kaidan was snapped out of his thoughts with the swish of the room doors sliding open. To his surprise it wasn't an Alliance investigator who appeared on the other side of the opening. Kaidan swiftly stood to attention and held his salute as Admiral Hackett strode into the room. The Admiral was followed closely behind by a nervous private in dress uniform who to Kaidan's embarrassment was carrying a stack of paper towels.
"At ease Lutentiant" Hackett stated simply, his hoarse voice spoke with easy authority and matched the worn features of his battle scarred face. The man had earned his authority and reputation through a career of dedicated and merited service. Hackett walked to where Naomi had been seated a moment earlier. She was gone. Stealing a stealthy glance around the room, she was no longer here. This wasn't good, Kaidan had no desire to end his career or spend the remainder of his life living on reparations. Just another L2 statistic.
"Private" Hackett addressed the boy with an inclining a tilt of his head towards the table. The Private sprang to life frantically working to mop up the mess on the table top.
"Sorry to keep you waiting Lieutenant" Hackett stated casually as the Private finished up.
"No need, sir" Kaidan replied casually, his heart was racing, the vision of Shepard was startling enough and now he was going to questioned by the most decorated Admiral in the Alliance military.
Despite the integral role that the Admiral had played in the final fight against Saren and seeing him regularly on the Alliance News vids, Kaidan had never seen the man in person. Perhaps in different situation Kaidan would have felt a little honoured, but as it was Kaidan couldn't help but feel a little suspicious of why the man was here to personally run an interview. It seemed beneath someone of his stature and the current affairs of the galaxy meant that there would be more important demands Hackett's attention. The imminent Reaper invasion, rebuilding of the Citadel and the elections of Humanities representative to the Council were surely at the top of what Kaidan was sure to be an exhaustive list.
The Private finished up with the mess and clumsily saluted the Admiral and practically ran from the room. The door's omni panel snapped to red as it hissed shut. Not a good omen.
"How's the hand?" Hackett asked Kaidan casually, gesturing for him to take his seat again.
"Fine, sir" Kaidan moved to sit down, unsure of how to proceed, should he apologise for the coffee? It was a little juvenile to not be in control of his biotics and breaking objects because he was upset.
"Uh sorry about the…. " He began sheepishly, but Hackett silenced him with a wave of his hand seating himself across from him and removing his dress hat.
Placing the hat carefully to the side, Hackett laid out on the table a data pad that Kaidan hadn't noticed Hackett carrying into the room.
"Lieutenant, this is an off the record discussion so you have permission to speak freely." Hackett stated. Knotting his hands together he considered Kaidan with a steely gaze.
"Understood, sir" Kaidan responded, his suspicions growing. Where was this going?
A silence stretched out between them before Hackett continued flicking through files on the datapad in front of him as he spoke. "Anderson has told me quite a bit about you Lieutenant. The unfortunate incident at BAaT, near perfect training scores." Pausing Hackett lifted the data pad to examine it a little closer before discarding it completely on the table. "Your special commendations are particularly impressive, specifically the role you played on the mission to Bass. Slave rescues rarely go as smoothly as that one did. I can see why Anderson specifically requested your addition to the Normandy crew."
"Thank you sir" Kaidan replied flatly. He had always been proud of his role in that mission, but it seemed a little insignificant after what happened with Saren.
Hackett raised an eyebrow before continuing "Your role on the Normandy is also noted of course. You've come a long way since joining the Alliance. Some would have considered your recruitment dubious, with the generalised reputation of L2's and your display of violent behaviour at BAaT…"
Kaidan interrupted Hackett annoyed. "Is there an issue with the way I have conducted myself sir?"
Hackett shook his head, leaning forward Hackett resting his arms on the table, seemingly relaxed and in no rush to hurry the proceedings along.
"No Alenko, there is no issue with your performance. Quite the opposite in fact. I was simply stating second chances often are necessary. Past behaviour is not necessarily indicative of a persons ability in the future."
If the Admiral was making a point, it was lost on Kaidan. Instead of acknowledging the Admiral Kaidan just allowed a further silence pass between them. "Tell me what happened with Normandy, from your perspective" Hackett directed.
Kaidan was taken aback, surely this was a waste of the Admirals time, if that was really what he was wanting to discuss. "I've already given my report sir, and have sat through inter….. debriefings twice already"
"I know, I've read them, just humour me" Hackett pressed, relaxing into his chair.
"There's nothing more to say, the Normandy was scanning the system for Geth activity and Stealth systems were engaged. Despite that we were attacked by an unidentified ship which opened fire on the Normandy. The weapons it used tore through the Normandy shields." Kaidan was interrupted by another silencing gesture from Hackett.
"As I said Lieutenant, I know the facts, off the record I want the full story from your perspective. Start with where you were when the attack occurred." Hackett directed.
Kaidan grimaced, there was no avoiding this then.
"I was down in Engineering. I was on shift for weapon maintenance, we were rostered turns at the duty since losing Gunnery Chief Williams."
Hackett nodded for Kaidan to continue.
Garrus walked over to where Kaidan worked at the weapons bench. There was something about cleaning and prepping weapons that Kaidan felt was soothing. It was meticulous and sometimes mindless, but oddly satisfying. "Alenko, I need a favour. Don't touch my Rifle."
"Is there a particular reason why your rifle shouldn't be cleaned Garrus?" Kaidan asked half-heartedly continuing to work on the pistol already in his hands. The Turian had been slowly growing increasingly delinquent about the some of the daily routines and procedures that governed life on the Normandy. It annoyed Kaidan that Garrus considered it ok to bend the rules to suit himself. First it was how the Mako's main cannon's targeting should be calibrated and now this.
"I never said anything about it not being maintained, but I have the old girl set the way I like it she practically dances in my hands. And well when it is set to the Alliance standard her aim is a little… off." His mandibles flared slightly, emphasising the joking casual tone of his voice. Months of working with the Turian meant that Kaidan was finding it easier to interpret his facial expressions, but damn it, it would be easier if Turian's had lips and eyebrows.
"I won't mess with the settings Garrus" Kaidan began, finishing assembling the pistol in his hand and putting it to the side. To emphasise his point Kaidan reached over Wrex's shotgun which was next in line and picked up the Turian's rifle.
Garrus' quickly reached out and grasped the barrel of the unloaded gun. Both men refusing to relinquish their hold on the gun, staring at each other in a standoff.
"We'll put it down to jealously then Alenko. I don't want others touching my dance partner" Garrus challenged.
He wasn't sure how or when it happened but Kaidan was aware that unconsciously he and Garrus had become polarised opposites at some point during the investigation into Saren. Repelling each other, not because of dislike but simply due to their individual polarisations. If not for Shepard they would rarely find themselves even in the same room these days. This hadn't been the first stand off like this and likely it wouldn't be the last.
The muffled sound of an explosion rumbled through the lower deck interpreting the men, before either could express their confusion the loud drilling sound of the evacuation order sounded throughout the ship. Both men dived to grasp onto the bench for support as the Normandy tilted unexpectedly to the side leaving them in pitch darkness as the lights cut out. Joker must have engaged some serious evasion maneuverers if the Normandy's gravity wasn't adjusting as quickly as the ship moved. There was a tense thirty seconds where Kaidan grasped the bench tightly, feeling the Normandy shifting unsteadily beneath his feet before the Normandy emergency grav control and lighting to come on.
Something had gone badly wrong.
Garrus and Kaidan's eyes met from across the bench, the Turian mandibles flared. Kaidan nodded grimly in return. The two men moving in unison and sprinted to the lockers to suit up.
To Kaidan's amusement Garrus still held the sniper rifle in his hand.
"Your report stated that you and Vakarian then helped co-ordinate the evac of staff. Vakerian started on the lower deck and you went to the flight deck?" Hackett asked it as a question, but Kaidan understood that there was little question to it, Hackett had already memorised his report, he just needed Kaidan to retell it.
"Yes, it was at that point that I realised that we had lost Navigator Pressly and Officer Chase. All the flight deck crew assisted where possible in initiating auto pilot sequence however some of these sequences were manually shut down from the cockpit." Kaidan reported tersely.
"You are referring to Joker correct?" Hackett prompted.
"Yes, sir. I am".
The flight deck was in chaos. Crew were running in all directions some heading to make their way to crew deck. Kaidan had just come up from the elevators and knew that one side of the stair case was completely collapsed with live electrical wires hanging precariously exposed. Whoever had attacked had made quick work of the Normandy.
"Emergency protocols in effect! Crew members are to evacuate directly to flight deck escape pods!" He shouted over the confusion at the crew. Grabbing the shoulder of one crew member setting off to the crew deck and physically shoving her in the direction of the pods. "Abandon stations! NOW!"
His order snapped the few crew left into co-ordinated action and they began running to the pods. All across the flight deck consoles overloaded or sparked angrily. To his dismay he could see at least two stations where the attending crew member lay splayed out on the ground with unseeing eyes.
Of the three pods on this level, two were ready for loading and crew members were moving to fill them quickly. Joker was still seated in his pilot chair and showed no signs of leaving his station, his hands flying out across the pilot controls quicker than what Kaidan could register what exactly he was doing. At least he had the sense to put on a breather helmet.
"Joker we've got to evacuate now!" Kaidan yelled jogging over to the pilot chair.
"No, the Normandy can still be saved we just have to hold on! I'm not giving up on her!" Joker yelled over the groaning of the ship as he tried to force her broken limbs resisted Joker's insistent controls, forcing the ship to her limits.
"Joker…" Kaidan began to argue, interrupted by the screeching of steel and sudden whoosh of a vacuum breech. To his horror he saw the roof above the Galaxy map peel back off the ship, the breech a sucking a straggling crew member into the void beyond. Kaidan hadn't even been able to even get a good look at who the poor soul was before they were lost. The barrier to the cockpit flew into effect and in synchronisation the two filled pods clamped shut, launching into the surface of the planet below.
"Joker!" Kaidan yelled across to the pilot.
"I'm not going Kaidan! Get the crew out of here!" Joker yelled back in response, the pilot was going nowhere.
Kaidan knew the protocol. If Joker refused Kaidan had to move on and evacuate as many crew as possible.
"Where's Shepard?" He yelled over the sound of a further explosion, this time it was the backup Navigation console. Joker was officially flying practically blind.
"She's still fixing the distress beacon for launch." Joker responded quickly.
Kaidan gently grasped the pilots shoulder, aware of how brittle the man could be, and set off immediately across the flight deck. Grateful that he had been able to fully suit up beforehand.
"And that is when you went to find Shepard. How many requests did you make to Joker to evacuate?" Hackett probed.
"There was the initial evacuation order and then I personally addressed him twice." Kaidan responded. "As stated in my report sir". He could hear the bitterness in his own voice as he recounted that encounter with Joker. He had replayed it to himself a dozen times over in the last month. How he could have just picked the man up physically, or even with biotics and forced him into the escape pod. Or even how he could have just forgotten to report it to Shepard. Either would have meant that possibly she would still be alive.
"And what happened when you found Shepard on the crew deck?" Hackett asked.
"She finished with the distress beacon and ordered me to finish evacuating the crew. She was going to try one last time to get Joker to evacuate." Kaidan reported.
"Did you try and sway her from that course?" Hackett asked
"Kaidan go!" Shepard's tone left no room for argument. He did not want to leave her to deal with Joker alone, not with the flight deck in crumbling pieces. But they had promised to keep their relationship separate from their duties. This was the first time though that his feelings kept him from fulfilling that promise.
"I'm not leaving!" He retorted, spraying the fire that was interfering with the beacons launch. To his relief it went out quickly and the beacons launch sequence lit up green, beginning its cycle to automatic take off.
"That's an order Kaidan!" Shepard snatched the extinguisher from his hands and turned back to the beacon, using the manual overrides to ignore preparation sequences and launch immediately. "Now go!"
She had pulled rank on him, he was angry at her for doing so but she had reminded him that duty was supposed to come first.
"Aye, aye.. ma'am" He responded officially and turned his focus to the crew. It was Shepard after all, she had survived worse. He needed to trust her and she had never let him down.
"We argued briefly but she had given an official order and I was expected to see it through." Kaidan advised Hackett.
"I doubt she would have listened anyway Kaidan. She was always single minded, even up to the very end it would seem." Hackett assured Kaidan, he spoke of Shepard with familiarity and amusement. The way a parent would reminisce on the antics of a beloved child. For his part though Kaidan did not respond, choosing to stare at his clasped hands resting on the tabletop. In all his military career that was the only order that had ever truly caused him regret.
A blizzard had set in on the planet surface making visibility near impossible as Kaidan and Garrus trudged their way through the soft powder. They were within 100 metres of where the final escape pod had landed. They had left Liara and Chakwas behind to see to the crew. Wrex had dragged a majority of the pods together to make a makeshift ring of shelters. He may have been assisted by Liara's biotics, but there were definite advantages to having Krogan muscle as part of the team.
Garrus's Omni tool signalled frantically and he pointed in the direction they needed to go. Kaidan simply nodded. Even with their suit to suit communicators there was no point talking over the loud howling wind.
The blizzard obscured the pod to the last minute, Kaidan and Garrus had to stop suddenly to prevent running head first into it. Thankfully it had landed right side up, the door unobstructed. Signalling the door release with his Omni tool and typing the codes with a frantic, frozen fingers, Kaidan felt the nervous pound of his heart beat through his chest. He just needed to know that Naomi was safe. Garrus all but dived through the door as it slid open, Kaidan following quickly. The door locking closed behind him.
Joker was sitting on the chair closest to where they had entered from, he did not look up at them as they entered. His head hung was low, cradled in his hands, obscuring his face. Somewhere in the back of his mind Kaidan registered the slight shake to the man's shoulders. He was distracted though, other than the three of them, the pod was empty.
Shepard was gone.
"When we arrived on the planet surface I co-ordinated the pod retrievals with Garrus and tried to raise Shepard on the communicator. We couldn't raise her or Joker, but given the blizzard it wasn't unusual for a communications drop out." Kaidan hoped that Hackett did not register the thickness of his voice, praying that he wasn't exposing how deeply affected he was by her loss.
"What the hell happened Joker?!" Kaidan knew he was yelling, he registered that Joker was obviously distraught. He knew all this, he just didn't care.
"Kaidan….I…. she's gone Kaidan!" Joker looked up to Kaidan from where he sat. His eyes bloodshot, swollen with tears. Grief and anger prominent on his face. "SHE'S GONE!" Joker yelled anguished. His voice echoing throughout the pod.
She was gone.
"Kaidan…." Garrus warned sympathetically placing a hand on Kaidan's shoulder.
Kaidan shook free of the Turian and removed the pack from his back. Throwing down carelessly down on the seat next Joker his share of the food rations for the night and medigel. Before turning to squarely to face Garrus.
"No, Garrus! He said "SHE" is gone." Kaidan was shaking with anger, it was all he could do to restrain his biotics from charging " I doubt he is as upset about Shepard as you think! It was the Normandy he cared about. The only "SHE" he cared about!" Kaidan spat the words out in a venomous hiss.
Joker stared at him speechless, as if Kaidan's words had physically wounded him. Garrus was silent, his arms tightly folded across his chest, considering the pair of Humans, before sighing loudly.
"I'll try and raise base camp" He declared sparing Kaidan and Joker a final glance before putting his helmet back, picking up the signal booster they had bought. "It's going to be a long night.." he muttered exiting the pod.
Kaidan paid neither of them any further thought, instead moving to the furthest side of the pod to settle in for the night. He knew he was in shock, that part of him still thought that Shepard would walk through the pod door with that sly smirk on her face. That she would cheat death one more time, just like back on the Citadel…. But then the uninvited image of her floating lifelessly out in space came into his mind… the grief that image caused was his undoing.
If he had to spend the night here he wanted as much distance between himself and Joker as possible.
"Going through your report and the transcript of your testimony at Joker's court marshalling you were particularly harsh towards him" Hackett absentmindedly tapped the data pad. "It doesn't take much to safely assume that you blame him for Shepard's loss, but you conceded that he was an excellent pilot so you doubted that there was more that he could have done to avoid the Normandy destruction, correct?"
"That would be a fair assessment sir" Kaidan responded stoically.
"Do you feel that is particularly fair though? To lay the blame for Shepard's death solely on Joker?" Hackett probed.
"Yeah I do" Kaidan answered defiantly. If this was the reason Hackett had called Kaidan in for, he was sadly mistaken to think that Kaidan would be swayed to adopt a softer stance towards Joker.
"Why is that?" Hackett asked.
"Joker ignored the evacuation order of his superior officer, he ignored myself when I approached him and he ignored protocol. It was clearly evident that Normandy was lost." Kaidan paused remembering Shepard's final order to him, he had wished that he had seen her face one more time, in person, the vision Shepard didn't count. "If he had followed the evacuation order when he was supposed to, Shepard would not have needed to go up to the bridge or still be on the Normandy when it was finally destroyed". Kaidan finished, silently challenging the Admiral to say differently.
"If that's your final word Lieutenant" Hackett replied remorsefully "It's a shame, I saw what Joker could do in the battle against Saren. I had hoped that if you were willing to soften your stance on the matter the Admirals would be swayed to be a little more lenient in their ruling at the hearing tomorrow".
"I'm sorry you were mistaken sir" Kaidan advised Hackett simply.
"Well it is shame, the Alliance will be losing its best pilot" Hackett stated grimly. Picking up his dress hat, putting it back on as he stood from his chair.
"Yeah well, Shepard was the Alliance's best" Kaidan retorted angrily.
Hackett paused picking up the data pad and tucking it underneath his arm, considering Kaidan intently. "We all regret Shepard's loss Lieutenant. Women like her are one in a million."
Striding to the door Hackett paused before turning back to Kaidan.
"Lieutenant, following the leadership that you showed during this incident I will be requesting a promotion to Staff Commander. However, consider yourself on shore leave. Report back here in one months time for reassignment. Dismissed"
Bewildered Kaidan rose from his chair and saluted the Admiral. Hackett nodded in acknowledgement before leaving Kaidan alone again.
"That went well" Shepard was back leaning against the mirror gazing at the door. "You're being a bit harsh on Joker though."
Kaidan angrily looked up to her, she was just a mirage, he didn't need her judgement. Joker, despite whatever his intent may have been, caused Shepard's death.
"Kaidan…." Shepard sighed deeply, her voice softening. "I choose to go up there. It was my duty, you above anyone else understand that."
She was right, Kaidan did understand. It didn't make her loss any less painful. Dying for duty or no, Kaidan had counted Naomi to be part of his future and now he had been robbed of that.
He felt as though he had been dragged through the emotional wringer. Now Hackett was going to recommend a promotion? Shepard's death had been suddenly reduced to a case study for recruits and a clinical examination of his own actions and whether they were promotion worthy.
"You're a good leader Kaidan. A perfect choice for a Commander, you know I would have been proud of you."
She was using past tense. Kaidan was surprised by how much hearing that from her seemed to emphasise his grief.
"Oh Shepard." Kaidan groaned collapsing into the chair, his head in his hands.
He allowed himself to feel for the first time since finding the escape pod the emptiness that she had left in his life. One minute of grief was allowed and then he would leave the room.