Chapter 2.
Jackson Avery: a dumbass.
Jackson Avery: a lonely old fool.
Jackson Avery: never got it right, shit at love.
Yes that was the one. That was definitely what his tombstone would read, forty years from now, when Harriet had to bury him in a lonely cemetery after he died alone in his fancy apartment. She would probably resent him for not giving her brothers or sisters, she had Ruby at least and whoever else the Taylors would get. Point is, he was an Avery through and through, rich, divorced and absolute crap at love.
Funny thing was waking up this morning in her arms, after last night, especially after last night, he would have never predicted how this day would have turned out. They had just gotten to a good place, she had just come around and it had taken some real patience. That was the thing about Maggie he had learnt. He had to let her come around; get to the place he was all on her own. He had thought she would be angry with him when he came back, and she had been, but there had been something else, something worse on her face. He had planned to leave again, but when she asked him if he was, when he saw the look on her face, he wished he could kick himself and he wasn't sure that she would still be here if he left again. Something had already changed between them, something had changed for her, and he felt it every time he was around her. He had seen her at work every day since he had been back, but he could feel the distance they ways in which she was holding back or turned off he wasn't sure which. He saw here every day but he missed her immensely. It was little things, their standing date at the coffee cart every morning, her little trivia texts that she sent him, seeing her in his OR during his surgeries, her just being his, completely.
Then last night had happened. He had gone over to tell her goodnight and all of a sudden she was smiling at him and saying she wanted dinner. And even though Karev and him and Link were supposed to go to Joe's he had forgotten all about them as soon as she had said the word. He had taken her by the hand and they had made the short walk to his place in record time, almost running and she was laughing because the wind messed up her hair and she had tripped over her shoelace. He had barely slammed his door shut before she had grabbed his face and kissed him hard, hands moving over his shoulders and taking his jacket off. And then she was kissing his neck and his licking his ear and they had stumbled to nearest end of the couch, him tearing off her jeans, her unzipping his pants and it had made him smile because it was eerily similar to the first time they did this, from the pink top she was wearing to the way she had pushed him back and climbed on top of him to the way she had moaned his name, head thrown back, fingers digging into his shoulders, completely and utterly falling apart. It was so different from how she had been the past few days with him, restrained and holding back, and he had been ecstatic knowing that they had moved on.
He should have known things would implode. Of course Maggie had left in tears. Of course she wasn't responding to his texts. Of course she had sped off like the road runner after he said all he said. She always had. She was always the hesitant one here. He had always been ready to do this with her, to go there while she had gotten a whole other boyfriend. Chive had been a waste of time and they had both known it. He also knew that if he hadn't gone back to her house and practically seduced her, they would have never happened. No, he would have continued to fall in love with her and then watch her pretend at work like she didn't know it for a fact.
Maggie was...a study of contradictions like that. She was fearless in everything and everyway except when it came to them. He'd never forget that day in the OR, how fierce she had been, how hard she had tried for April, but really for him. He had been sitting there, sure April was gone, and trying to come to terms with the whole thing, just wanting everything to be over and there she was, brilliant, fearless, powerful. He had wanted them to stop shocking April's body, wanting her to have some rest, reprieve, peace after all the horrible things she had been through and Maggie had refused to give up. He had looked up at her then, begged her to stop, a fact he was ashamed of, and she hadn't even looked at him, had refused to listen to anyone's doubts, had ignored everyone, Webber, Owen, just looked at the monitor and commanded them to keep going, pushing, never letting up, never stopping. It blew his mind when he stopped to think about it. The things she had done for him. He had his best friend, Harriet had her mother and Mathew had a wife all because of the love this one woman had for him. Kate had said that he idolized Maggie. Worshipped her and put her on a pedestal. She didn't get it though. How being with her was all new but it felt like coming home. How Maggie had come into his life like a ray of sunshine and changed everything, changed him. How loving her was so easy for him, so natural, it felt like he had been doing it his whole life. Maggie deserved everything he had to give. She deserved the world.
He couldn't decide if she was stubborn or presumptive though. Both actually, but she was more presumptive over stubborn. Yes, she was stubborn because she liked to presume things. Maybe it was because she was a genius so she always thought she was right. She was too, when it came to science, calculus, heart surgery. Definitely not when it came to him though. She had constantly presumed wrong about him. She presumed that April was wrong when she told her about his feelings. She presumed wrong when she assumed that he would laugh the whole thing off like she had. She presumed completely wrong about the whole kiss in a closet situation, the texting with Kate, with April...she was generally wrong in what she thought was going on.
She was probably somewhere making presumptions and assumptions and there was nothing he could do about it. All he could do was sit here drinking and staring into a fire like some pathetic guy out of a country song. He had been doing a lot of that lately, staring into fires, thinking about things, the universe, God, Harriet, her. That was all he had done in the woods really. Thinking about what she would say when he went back, wondering what her silence meant, berating himself for losing focus from why he was really here to sending her pictures of trees just to break the silence.
He sighed. This fight was a long time coming. Strangely, he didn't know how to feel. He hated that she had left crying, hated that she had left at all. It had hurt, her getting up, putting on her coat and walking out. He had asked her to stay, almost begged her too. He had damn near chased her naked after she saw the texts from Kate. And right now, even if his heart screamed at him to text her, to go to her house just to see if she was ok, he refused to do it. Not anymore, not with her. He had done this back and forth with too many women in his life.
In some weird way, it felt as though a weight was lifted off his chest. He could breathe easier, somehow. Something had changed between them after that conversation, he was sure of it. And he was glad. It had been so hard keeping all of this from her. He had spent so many nights holding her in his arms, listening to her breathing, face in her curls trying to figure everything out. And then he'd hear her heart beating, sometimes perfectly in sync with his, creating a harmonious rhythm even when it wasn't and that would lull him to sleep. The nights she wasn't around were hard. He'd be up most of the night, seeing Nisha's face, so many questions in his mind, wondering if April had been right all along, wondering if there was something out there much greater than him, seeing his grandfather's face, Marks face, tossing and turning until he fell into a fitful sleep, the kind of which you woke up from feeling like you'd been run over by a truck. And then he would crash and burn and he needed her, to put his face in her curls, to listen to her heart and his and that was the only way he would ever rest. All he knew this had to be unhealthy somehow, needing someone like this, and so he knew he had to do something, he couldn't keep going like this. And he knew he couldn't go with her, he was too lost in her, and he needed to fix himself to be right for her and Harriet and everyone else who he loved. And so he decided to just leave her with a voicemail while he still had the nerve to actually go.
At least now she knew. Things were better this way. It was painful and messy but better. Life had taught him as much. It was better to just speak your truth, instead of swallowing the words down. Mark had taught him that. He had talked to Kate all night when he met her at that camp. It was funny how easy it was to spill everything to a stranger, to let them know about your deepest truths. Maybe it was because they didn't know you that it was some sort of insurance. You didn't really care about each other. There would be no hurt feelings, no misunderstandings, and no risk of seeing tears running down the face of the woman you loved, of seeing the hurt in her eyes. That was why he had spoken to Kate and had kept sharing with her. It was because ultimately, he didn't care what Kate thought, and that couldn't hurt him.
He hadn't wanted to tell her he was talking to April about this stuff. Not yet. He had just come back and they had just made up and he didn't want to give her a reason to look for an out. She was skittish like that. And he honestly couldn't blame her, given his history with April. Of course she misunderstood. He and April had a long history. They had come from Mercy West and had ended up being the only ones from their group left. After the shooting where Charles and Reed had died and the two of them never really fit in, it was only natural that they had become best friends. Things had been so simple then, with the two of them, just two residents trying to make a name for themselves, trying to get ahead. They had relied on each other, studied together, leaned on each other. And when they had gotten married, he had thought they would be together forever. They had been the best of friends, and didn't everyone say that you should marry your best friend? He had thought it was forever. Despite all the regret about the sex, despite all the arguments about God, religion, money, parenting. It was like the harder things got, the harder he tried. It had to work. Because when he sat to think about what he and April had done to Mathew, what he had done to Stephanie, when he remembered how she wouldn't accept his apology, how she when she spoke to him there was nothing of the warm ambitious girl he had known, just cool acknowledgment of his presence, he knew it had to work. So he had tried his very best to be a good husband, to be supportive, present, attentive, all things he had no idea how to do. It had felt like the more he tried to be there for April, the less she wanted him. He had watched her spiral after Samuel died, the light in her snuffed out and he had never felt more helpless. It wasn't until after she had left that he realized that the light in him was snuffed out too. She had left and with each passing day that he survived without her he grew more and more angry, resentful and by the time she was back he could barely stand the sight of her. There was so much anger, pain, bitterness that only started to dissipate after Harriet was born. And then after things between them became competitive and it wasn't until they had sex after he met his father in Montana that he realized he didn't want to do this anymore. And when she kissed him in the closet, he realized there was nothing of the pain, anger and bitterness left in him. He just wanted April to be ok.
He remembered the day he knew. It had been at the hospital, someone had organized a bridal shower for Jo and one of the kid patients was singing. It had been a surprise for Jo and Alex, finally getting married after dating for what felt like years. He had been with Stephanie when they started dating, he had gotten married and divorced to April, he had lost a child and gotten another and now he was with Maggie. He remembered the way he had been so jealous of Jo and Alex, of having something lasting, something that wouldn't be shaken, something he had never in his life been able to have. Never had he been with a woman long enough to have anniversaries to celebrate, usually things were over or complicated by then. He had seen her then, the back of her head, spotted her curls in the crowd, dressed in red standing alone at the nurses station. He'd thought maybe she was cold; she was sort of hugging herself as she leaned against the desk. So he had walked up to her and put his arm around her shoulders, forgetting that they weren't even officially a thing, not to her at least, all they had were two kisses and a conversation in a bar. She had stiffened at first, briefly and then relaxed into his shoulder laying her head on his chest and snaking her hand across his waist. They had stood there, slightly swaying from side to side as that little kid sang a song he couldn't even remember and all he could recall was the feel of her head on his chest, her arm around his waist, her hair tickling his neck and he had wanted to kiss her so badly but he hadn't known how she would feel about him kissing her in front of all these people but then she'd looked up at him, dark eyes shining, smiling into his eyes and he hadn't been able to look away, but he'd known.
He understood it now. What divorce did to a person. For all his life, he had been surrounded by divorce. It had been his normal. There was barely anyone in his family that had had a lasting relationship. He hadn't even realized the effect it had on him. He had thought that he had fully dealt with that chapter of his life in the two years since it had happened.
Until he realized he was in love with Maggie.
Somehow this came with an overwhelming sadness. Because with everything he felt for Maggie, everything he wanted them to be, he was letting go of a life he could have had with April and Harriet. He had been a completely different person once. When he had stood in that chapel and made his vows to April, he had meant every single word and he had thought they would last forever. And now he had to come to terms with the fact that that part of his life, who he had been and who he had thought he was going to be for the rest of his life was over. April and him had been through so much together, there was so much history there. She was the mother of two of his children. He had never really thought that any other woman could mean so much to him as she had. He had never thought that anyone else would make him want the same things he had wanted with her. Until he had kissed a brown eyed curly haired woman in the foyer of her sister's house and he had seen his future in her eyes.
The guilt was even worse. He'd do anything for Maggie. He'd bring her the moon if she asked. April had begged him to take her back. She would have done anything. Hadn't he loved her enough? He had thought he had loved her as best he could. But here he was, ready to give the world to a woman he had been with for two months. All April had wanted was forgiveness and a second chance. How good a husband had he been that he couldn't and wouldn't give her that? It was a weird place to be. Seeing all that you could have done differently but realizing that you wouldn't give up your present for anything. Maybe he was more like his father than he thought. Maybe this was exactly how everything was supposed to be. Probably.
He just hoped that when Harriet grew up she would understand.
A/N: I tried to get Jacksons perspective realistically which was hard. This will have one more chapter though, please enjoy and review.