Trigger Warning: Self harm and Depression

I'll be trying to update every Wednesday. Hope you enjoy :)

Chapter 1

Mr. Perfect

His dad wanted him to be an athlete. Even a gym teacher, a CEO, or an office worker would be better than a veterinarian. As a veteran of Iraq, he was rather strict and tended to show his anger with fists and his love with hands. A clap on the back was his highest praise, while Lucas had grown quite accustomed to his father slapping his knuckles and back with rulers and wooden spoons as punishment. From his father's eyes, it worked. Lucas was never severely injured, nothing left a mark, and he grew up to be a respectable young man who cared deeply for people. He made straight As, was the only sophomore on the varsity baseball team, and was a starting quarterback on the junior varsity football team.

Lucas did everything other people wanted him to do. He was Mr. Perfect. He held Amelia's hand and supported her, called his father "sir", even when the expectations were simply too much, and came home each day to help his mother get work done around the apartment. Even from Texas, halfway across the country, his father had remarkable power over the young man. Lucas loathed it.

However, he did what he had to do. His grades had never been better, and his self-esteem had never been lower. The blonde beauty who sat across the room from him stopped looking him in the eyes when they passed in the halls. The brunette he once believed he could have loved never made scenes in class and grew considerably more quiet. His genius best friend was a successful student who had been in a committed relationship with Smackle for almost two years. They talked every once in awhile, but it felt forced: fake laughs, a "How are you?" just because it felt like the right thing to ask, maybe a hug if one of them was particularly upset and decided to share. And Zay, who Lucas would have insisted was his best friend for the first 15 years of his life, was just another member of the football team.

As much as it hurt, as he watched his daughter's friend group collapse into dust, all Cory Matthews could do was watch. No one asked for help or acknowledged anything was wrong until everything was gone.

...

October was his busiest month, Lucas decided, as he entered first period almost twenty minutes late. He overslept again, after staying up half the night due to football practice, homework from his two AP classes, and a bloody wrist. He glanced in Maya's direction before sitting next to Amelia, who flashed her beautiful smile and touched his hand.

"Glad you decided to make it, Mr. Friar," Cory observed.

"Sorry Mr. Matthews. I overslept and was running a little late."

"Well, we started the lesson without you. Get the notes from someone else on your on time." He began to discuss where their lesson had stopped the day before: Franklin Roosevelt and the New Deal. Lucas struggled to pay attention and simply hoped that he could maintain his A in the class. Despite Mr. Matthews's insistence that he was an impartial grader, Lucas would be willing to swear on his life that Cory had grown harsher after Lucas broke up with his daughter.

The bell rang, and Amelia turned to look at him. "So that's why you weren't in the cafeteria this morning, sleepyhead." She held his face in her hands and kissed him, not caring that Mr. Matthews and Riley were still in the classroom. The pair stood up and walked to their second class together.

"Yeah, you'd think I'd be used to staying up late with football and homework, but my body just can't handle the five hours of sleep I get each night. And that's if I'm lucky."

Amelia rubbed his back comfortingly. "It'll all pay off Lukie." Lucas tried not to groan at the nickname he resented. It was times like these when he missed Huckleberry, Ranger Rick, and Bucky McBoingboing the most. "When we apply to colleges senior year, you'll get in somewhere great. Then we only have four years till the two of us are off in the real world with wonderful jobs, a nice house, and a good night's sleep."

"Of course, Amelia. I'll push through it. Thanks for keeping me sane," he replied, smiling, hoping it didn't look fake. The two had only been dating for three months, yet she insisted that the pair would get married one day, have kids, and live their entire lives together. While Riley had gotten like that too, it was way back in middle school and right before their freshman year. Besides, that's just who she was. However, when Amelia discussed their future together, it terrified him. He wanted to love her, but he couldn't. There was always something else getting in the way, and he couldn't say he was completely sure what it was.

"Do you have football practice tonight?"

"Nope, I'm all yours." Lucas had been planning on getting some much-needed rest, but he couldn't find the willpower to disappoint his girlfriend.

"Great, come over at seven. It can just be the two of us for once." They hugged and kissed, and Lucas smiled, telling himself that the night would be fun. He could be happy. He really could.

...

He arrived at Amelia's five minutes early and walked in, stopping in to speak to her mother first.

"Lucas," she said, giving him a hug. "How are you?"

"I'm fine, thank you, Mrs. Long." She offered him a homemade cookie, and he took one, thinking of his own mother. One of the perks of dating Amelia was that Mrs. Long was just as kind and caring as his mom. She could actually cook, however, unlike Mrs. Friar, whose healthy desserts and well-balanced meals were decent and filling but left much to be desired.

"That's good to hear. You can just head on up to Amelia's room. You two have a great night."

"We will."

Lucas walked into his girlfriend's room, where she was sitting at her laptop, facing away from the door. He quietly tiptoed over to her and hugged her from behind. "Lukie!" she squealed, kissing him. "What movie should we watch?"

Staring up at her impressive selection of DVDs, he thought for a minute. "Beauty and the Beast. I'm in the mood for a lighthearted Disney film, and that's your favorite."

"That's exactly what I was thinking." Amelia smiled at her boyfriend. "We sure are on the same wavelength today." The two sat on Amelia's bed with their arms around each other, as they began watching the movie on her laptop. By the end of the movie, Lucas had fallen fast asleep, and Amelia was playing with his hands when she noticed something.

"Lucas, Lukie, wake up!" she shrieked.

"Baby, what's wrong?"

"Your arms, they're all covered with scratches! What happened? What's wrong with them?"

Lucas couldn't even think of a good lie. The only thing running through his head was "Shit, shit, I should have worn long sleeves today." He glanced up at his girlfriend, who was now standing, looking extremely concerned. Looking her straight in the eyes, he lied, "I have no idea what happened. Thanks for pointing it out. I'll get a bandage or something for that right away. I'm sure it's fine."

Amelia's expression turned doubtful. "Really? Because it looks like you've been cutting yourself. That's exactly how it looked when Samantha did that, and it turned out she was completely depressed. She had to go to therapy and everything. This isn't some little thing." She began tearing up a little, and Lucas stood up and hugged her.

"Hey, there there, it's okay. If I were at all depressed, you'd be the first person I would tell. Mark my words. You have absolutely nothing to worry about. Maybe I fell during practice or something. It could have been anything."

The girl dried her eyes and tried to smile. "Okay. If I see anything else like that, we're going to one of the guidance counselors."

Lucas nodded. He had some thinking to do.

...

He finished the text and read it over carefully. Amelia, I've known for awhile that things just haven't been right between us. I enjoy spending time with you, but I truly think we'll be better off as friends. These past few months have been wonderful, and I wouldn't change that for the world, but it's time we go our separate ways. See you in school. Your friend, Lucas. Before he could rethink his decision, he pressed Send, hoping that he wouldn't hurt the girl.

It was the night after Amelia saw the cuts and scars, and although he didn't want to hurt her, it was too much of a risk to continue the relationship. As much as he desired to keep everyone happy, he knew he wouldn't be able to stop hurting himself. While a guidance counselor might help, Lucas was hesitant to tell someone his problems. How much he missed being made fun of every day, even as a joke. How much he missed seeing Riley smile at him, even when he couldn't force himself to feel the same way. How one summer, he and Maya spent a few days together on their own while Riley was on vacation. How he spent five hours a day for three days straight being made fun of and discussing his home life with Maya. How he knew all her secrets. How there was nothing he could say that would make the three of them close again. All three of them had the information needed to break each other. Maya could hurt Riley, Riley could crush Lucas, and Lucas could completely destroy Maya.

They broke themselves instead.

In just three hours, Lucas had seven missed calls and 23 texts from Amelia. He didn't have the nerve to call her and discuss the matter, so he just left it as an issue to resolve later, hoping he hadn't hurt the girl too much.

He spent the remainder of his Thursday night crying softly in his room, giving himself 30 new cuts, one for each missed call and text from Amelia. The guilt was unimaginable. It was never his intention to cause any damage.

Finally, he fell asleep with the razor blade in his hand, his wrists losing blood, as he tried to diminish the wounds. As guilty as he felt, being alive was the punishment he deserved and dying would only ruin that.