Disclaimer: This is a joint story with a friend, but we own none of the characters stolen here. especially bleach.
A/N: And the fun begins... This chapter's guests should be pretty easy...
As Ichigo and Matsumoto spread the warning about Renji getting new sunglasses, the unexpected solution to their problem was falling from the sky...
"AAAAAAAAAHHHHH! WHAAT THE HELLLLL? WHAT DID YOU DO?"
"I DON'T KNOW, NII-SAN! IT WASN'T MEEEEEE!"
Renji walked out of the "Sunglass Hut," trying unsuccessfully to hide the small box in his hands. Emblazoned on the side of the box was a large letter "O." Renji couldn't be happier. "Oakley! Now that's classy. I spent all of my money for the month, but who cares? They're Oakleys!" Renji walked to a side alley, preparing to put on his new sunglasses, when he heard unidentified screaming from high above him. Looking up, he dropped the box at once. Not only were there two people falling from the sky, they didn't have enough reiatsu to fly, nor did they have parachutes. Essentially, they were UFSOs (Unidentified Flying, Screaming Objects).
Popping a Soul Candy Pill, Renji jumped up to catch them. He immediately noticed something was off, however. One of them was normal enough, if tiny, but the other, huge, person was... not there. He could tell there was a soul, but could that huge suit of armor really be a gigai? He had no time to worry about it, though. He also lacked the intelligence to think and walk at the same time, but that is a different story. He decided to catch the human first, then figure out the quandary of the body that wasn't a body (note: Renji doesn't actually know what the word "quandary" means). They dropped quickly, and Renji was only able to catch the little one ("HEY! WHO ARE YOU CALLING A BEAN SIZED SUPER-MIDGET!") before he saw the midget's ("HEY! I AM NOT AMIDGET YOU GODDAMNED PINEAPPLE!") companion crash into the ground. Right on top of the brand new Oakleys. Renji's heart stopped.
Reaching the ground, he fell to his knees. Whatever the big guy was, he was huge and heavy, and the glasses were pulverized. Shards of "unbreakable lenses plastic" were everywhere, and leaning over, he picked up a bent metal "O."
The short, blonde boy regained his senses first.
"Oi! Where the fuck are we?"
...
"Oi! Can you hear me? ARE WE IN AMESTRIS?"
...
"Oi! Are you deaf or something, pineapple-head-man?
...
Renji's heart started again.
"Shut up, this is all your fault, short-- ack!" Renji's angry comment was cut off as blue lightning flashed, and suddenly the shorty was holding a spear to his throat. It was a human spear. It had no reiatsu to speak of, but there was a hole in the ground next to the boy.
"What. Did. You. Just. Call. Me....!"
"Oh no! Nii-san, you can't just attack him! He saved us!" Renji was shocked to hear such a young voice come from such a huge, armored body.
"Oy, how come your gigai's so weird? And why did you just show up and break my new sunglasses? I spent a month's wages on those, and all the thanks I get is a spear?" As he said these words, Renji reached out and casually snapped said spear, as the armored boy looked crestfallen.
"I broke something? Let me fix it, we're Alchemists! What's broken?"
"Alche-whats? Whatever, they're beyond repair. It's okay."
"Oh, I see them! Here!" The armored boy started rummaging in his loincloth. Renji sweatdropped, and looked away, but that wasn't the end. Using the chalk he had just pulled out, the boy drew a perfect circle, then some other shapes and strange writing. He touched the circle, and Renji watched in amazement as the sunglasses repaired themselves, becoming perfect again.
"No way!" said the short blonde teen, who suddenly somehow seemed older, though still tiny. "Those are dumb! Here, Lemme fix them!"
Renji was expecting more chalk, but instead the teen just clapped his hands, then touched one finger to his sunglasses. Then he ran away, followed by his brother. "Nii-San! That was mean!" "No! It was awesome. They look so much better now!" "Then why are you running away?"
Ignoring their argument, Renji turned to see what they were talking about. Where his brand new Oakleys had been before being destroyed, repaired, and "fixed", were the most hideous things he had ever seen. He supposed they might have been sunglasses, but where his sleek, classy cool Oakleys had been, there now sat... something. Bat wings sprang from the sides, the frames were spiky and hideous, and the nosepiece was dominated by a grinning skull. The colors, originally a shiny black with chrome accents, had changed to a dull grey with black and red. How the boy had done it, Renji wasn't sure. He did know one thing, however. Even he had better taste than that.
For a full five minutes, he froze. Then, with vein-popping, frozen cold rage worthy of Captain Hitsugaya, he turned to where the boys had been. "WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO MY SUNGLASSES?" But the boys were long gone. A brick wall had also mysteriously appered next to Renji in order to prevent him from pursuing them. In his mourning, Renji forgot that he just could have charged through the wall like the eleventh-division-reject he was.
Renji cried for a few more minutes, then gave up. He handed the mangled and deformed sunglasses to Jinta on his way through Urahara Shoten, sighing as he stepped through the Senkaimon. There always had to be something, didn't there?
Poor Renji had no idea how right he was...
OMAKE:
Ururu: Jinta, where did you get your new sunglasses from...?
Jinta: Ha! Like I'll ever tell you!
Ururu: Aww...
Tessai: He got them from Abarai.
Jinta: Tessai...Why did you have to tell her...?
Urahara: Now remember kids, no whining.
Jinta: But-
Urahara: No whining!
Jinta: Bu-
Urahara: No whining!
Jinta: B-
Urahara: No whining!
Jinta: -
Urahara: No whining!
Jinta: Fine!
Yoruichi: Meow
A/N: Don't expect all of our updates to be this quick. We had both Ch.1 and Ch.2 written before adding the story. Plus finals are coming up. AARGH! If anyone has suggestions for what characters we should have ruin Renji's life, please review! We might add them to our idea list, which is already pretty long.