No Messes With the Hobbit
The inside of the Necromonger ship wasn't as large as they'd expected, Fíli and Kíli decided. But other than that, Bilbo was pretty right. It was all shades of dark grey and black, hard lines, nothing like Dwarroven ones, though, these were cold and impersonal. There were benches against each wall, hard bare benches with nothing to soften them, just like Bilbo warned.
But he didn't warn them about the soldiers.
The soldiers all looked at the hobbit like he was about to rip their heads off, even as he sat and leant against Kíli, humming. The one that Bilbo called Toal, stood as far away from Bilbo as it was possible to get in the confined space. Kíli, Fíli and Ori exchanged looks and whispered in Khuzdul.
"That one's afraid of our hobbit." Fíli put forward with a glance at Toal, taking care not to mention any names.
"They're all afraid of him." Kíli added.
"What did the man mean when he said he didn't want to go through that again?" Ori asked.
"Why would they have dumped our hobbit somewhere?" asked Kíli.
"And what was, 'this time' about?" asked Fíli.
"How did our hobbit know about the map-table thing?"
"Why would us being Durin's mean anything to them?"
"How do they know about Tharkûn?"
"Why would they find being a burglar funny?"
"How does our hobbit know the lord marshal keeps his word, if you do?"
"How does he know Azog killed someone important to the lord marshal?"
"Forget all that, lads." Thorin lean over. "How does the burglar know about their most sacred laws? You Keep What You Kill. That doesn't sound like something a hobbit would know about, does it?"
The four dwarrow looked at each other and frowned. They had lots of questions, but not a single answer.
After about a half hour and no sign of them landing or changing direction, Bilbo sat up and turned to Toal.
"Toal?" The hobbit's voice was sharp.
"Yes, hobbit?" The man's voice was still cautious.
"Why haven't we landed?"
"Because we haven't reached the Basilica, yet, hobbit. The Lord Marshal had the Armada land further to the east, I wasn't told why… but I heard your people mention Azog?" Bilbo nodded. "Well, it's likely the Lord Marshal would not want the beast to know he is here."
"Hmm… How much longer to the Basilica, then?" Bilbo leant back against Kíli.
Toal looked up towards the door at front end of the compartment and a soldier there went further forward, he returned after a few minutes and addressed them all.
"Flight time to the Basilica is six minutes. Descent in in three minutes."
"All hands prepare for descent." Toal said loudly.
Kíli bent his head and whispered in Bilbo's ear.
"Do we have to do anything, Bilbo?"
"No, Kíli. We just sit and wait, we're passengers, this time."
"This time?" asked Fíli, he's been listening in, just in case.
"Never mind, lads, we've not the time right now for stories."
They watched as the soldiers moved about the compartment and secured objects, ready for landing.
When the bump camp that Bilbo told them signalled a landing, the soldiers were assembled in two groups, one group stood at attention near the craft's drawbridge-like entrance, while the other stood quietly waiting at the forward end of the compartment. When the drawbridge–door fell open, Bilbo stood and moved in the direction or the ramp.
Quickly Kíli and Fíli joined him and within seconds Thorin and the other walked at their backs. Toal walked to one side and his soldiers walked to their rear. Bilbo stepped down off the door's ramp and began striding up a cleared walkway. Kíli looked around and his jaw fell. This was not what he was expecting. The walkway was an avenue made by giant ships, nothing like the one they'd just left, these were tall with slightly curved lines, they had squared off fronts with a beaked area in the upper centre. Looked back behind himself, Kíli took a count, there were 14 of these ships, two rows of seven faced each other, creating an open area between them. At one end of this, sat another ship, it was wider than the others and not as tall, but it was clearly the most important ship there.
As they approached, the front of the ship began to extend. The extension kept moving, stopping one section at a time until there were four flights of steps leading up to a grand set of doors. Two soldiers at the doors pushed them open as the hobbit and his dwarrow crested the last flight of steps, Toal moved in front of Bilbo while Fíli and Kíli walked at his sides, forcing Thorin to follow them.
Through a long corridor, they walked, with each door they passed Fíli and Kíli grew more curious. At each door stood a soldier, all dressed much the same as Toal and like Toal each of them watched the hobbit pass with barely disguised alarm. The brothers exchanged looks over the head of the small being between them, an entire conversation was had without a single word being uttered.
So far, every person they'd seen, in person, was wary of the hobbit, if not actually afraid of him. Why?
Another set of doors and another pair of guards, both glanced at the hobbit and one took a step back, before catching himself, he stepped forward again and hurrying to match the other guard, opened the door.
This room was familiar.
It was the room from the communication box, the giant throne in the centre, as in the last image, the man that Bilbo called the Lord Marshal was sprawled out over the surface, the taller, pale Vaako standing at his side. The pair of dwarf-princes studied the two men and came to one conclusion, these were warriors and they had an air about them made Thorin and Dwalin look positively gentle by comparison.
"Hobbit." The Lord Marshal said in greeting.
"Lord Marshal, Vaako." Bilbo's greeting was just as short as the Lord Marshal's.
The Lord Marshal looked at each member of their party, hard, for a few seconds, his eyes hidden behind coverings. He studied the hobbit longest, ignoring the fidgeting of the dwarrow. Finally he reached a decision, he sat forward on his throne and reaching up one hand, grabbed Vaako by the belt, the paler man looked down at him, he pulled and the other man sighed. Vaako moved where the Lord Marshal wanted and within seconds he sat cross-legged between the Lord Marshal's knees, resting back against one leg, the Lord Marshal's fingers playing with his braids.
"So, hobbit… a gift for me." The rumble of the Lord Marshal's voice sent shivers down the pines of the dwarrow, the man was a predator and he was trying to lure his prey.
"Indeed, Lord Marshal. After all, you seem to enjoy my last gift." There was a smirk in the hobbit's voice. Fíli wanted to hit the hobbit, didn't he hear the hunter in man-skin?
"I do, hobbit, I do. So… You're gifting me, Azog. I didn't know Azog was yours to gift."
"Oh, no, Lord Marshal. I'm not giving him to you… I'm giving you first blade against him." Bilbo's voice changed and his posture shifted, Fíli and Kíli took an unplanned step away. The Lord Marshal wasn't the only predator in the room. "He will die, if not by your hand, then by mine."
"Agreed, hobbit." The Lord Marshal grinned. "Welcome to the Basilica, hobbit."
Bilbo shook himself and stood up straight again.
"Thank you, Riddick."
"Hobbit?" Vaako was nearly purring, having Riddick's hands on him, always soothed him.
"Yes, Vaako?"
"You said, earlier, that if we stayed with you, Azog would come to us, that he was hunting the Durin's."
"Yes."
"Why?"
"Because he revels in pain and destruction, because he can. Who knows what goes through the tiny brain of Azog. But I know why he hunts Thorin in particular."
"Why?"
"Thorin cut his left arm from his body." Bilbo grinned.
Both men sat up in surprise.
"Cut his arm from his body?" The two said as one.
"Azog took the lives of many of Thorin's family before their due time. Thorin's brother was but a child, little more than two thirds of the way to his majority. Needless to say Thorin was not pleased."
"I want him, hobbit. I give you my word," Vaako gasped at what Riddick said, "I will kill the beast that is Azog the Defiler."
"Thank you, Riddick. Vaako? How would you like Azog's spawn, Bolg?" Bilbo asked.
"I would be pleased, hobbit." Both Vaako and Riddick grinned viciously.
"Good, good… That's one problem out of the way."
"You have other problems, hobbit?" Vaako asked.
"When do I not?" Bilbo groaned.
"True, hobbit." The two men grinned.
"Ah, well… You're going to fix my other problem, aren't you Riddick?" Bilbo asked.
"Am I? Why am I?" Riddick didn't appear to like what Bilbo said, he sat forward and tensed ready to strike, Vaako slid from between his knees to his side.
"Because you owe me, that's why."
"I? I owe you? What do I owe you. Why do I owe you?" The Lord Marshal's hand fell to a hilt at his side, his fingers curling around the haft.
"Two words Riddick… Lobelia… Spoons."
The was silence for a few seconds, then Riddick's fingers left the hilt and found Vaako's shoulder, sliding up the ridge until they met skin, curling and splaying around the nape of his neck. Vaako's eyes widened and then fell almost shut, his head tilted in Riddick's direction and his body followed it.
"Point." Riddick said.
"Point to the hobbit." Vaako agreed.
"My point." Bilbo acknowledged.
"So tell me about this problem of yours, hobbit." Riddick sighed.
"Riddick, we're tired, dirty and hungry. I'll give you the extremely short version, now and then I will see to the Company's wellbeing."
"I've already got your rooms being cleared and made suitable for your company, there'll be a meal ready soon and I've had the tech's in adding a dwarf-friendly bathing chamber to your suite. Tell us your problem and we'll let you rest and refresh without interruption." Riddick directed.
"Very well. Thorin hired me as a burglar. He wants me to retrieve a stone."
"Sounds familiar."
"No, not really. Your stone was a data crystal, Thorin's is a rock. That's not the problem, the problem is, where the rock is."
"Where is this rock?"
"It's somewhere in the midst of Smaug's hoard."
"Who is Smaug?"
"Smaug is a what, not a who… Smaug is a dragon, Riddick"
"A dragon?" Vaako sat forward. "A real dragon? Or one of Melkor's Mutants?"
"No, Vaako. Smaug is a real dragon, the last of the great dragons, in fact. And that's where you come in Riddick."
"I keep what I kill." Riddick hummed.
"No, Riddick, not this time. This time, Smaug doesn't have the right to keep what he has."
Riddick blinked.
"Doesn't have the right? What makes you say that, hobbit?"
"It's very simple, Riddick… Smaug didn't kill the King of Erebor, or the King's son or grandson, he simply drove them away by threatening the children." Riddick growled deeply at the hobbit's words.
"So… he's a squatter, then?" Vaako asked.
"Yes, he drove the dwarrow from their home, thousands of children died and Thranduil did nothing to help. Thorin's people were forced to wander, they were degraded and abused, before finally Thorin lead them to a Mountain range far to the west, the Blue Mountains. There they settled and tried to salvage what they could of their lives. Thorin was made their king 140 years ago and now he is trying to reclaim a home for his people." Bilbo had thought carefully on how to word his explanation. "At his side stands his most loyal of friends, his family, cousins and… his nephews."
"And you, hobbit? Do you stand at his side?" There was more to Riddick's question than appeared.
"I stand at Kíli's side and he will stand at mine." Bilbo replied.
"Are you sure, hobbit?" Vaako asked quietly, but Bilbo grinned.
"Oh, yes, Vaako, I am quite sure."
"What do I get out of killing this dragon, Smaug?" Riddick wanted to know.
"You get the body of Smaug, itself."
"What good is that to me?" Riddick sneered.
"Dragon hide, for a cloak or trousers. Dragon scales for armour and dragon fangs for weapons." Vaako answered.
Riddick hummed.
"And don't forget, claws. Dragon claws would make excellent blades, Riddick." Bilbo added.
Riddick continued to hum for a bit, finally he spoke.
"These are Durin's you said."
"Yes."
"Any of them blacksmiths?"
"Yes."
"Any good?"
Bilbo didn't answer Riddick, instead he turned to Kíli.
"Did Thorin make any of your blades, Kíli?"
"Ah… yes." The young prince answered hesitantly.
"Show me? Which ones?"
Kíli pulled a pair of daggers, one from his belt and another from his boot.
Bilbo took them gently, he tested the weight and grinned at Kíli. The young dwarf smiled back, the hobbit's grin promised much.
"May I borrow this one for a few minutes?" he asked, passing one dagger back.
"Sure…"
"Thank you, Kíli."
Bilbo flipped the dagger in his hand, his fingers now holing it be the very sharp tip, he winked at Kíli and at he turned back to the Lord Marshal, his wrist flicked, the blade leaving his hand and heading, not the Lord Marshal, but for Vaako. Kíli expected to see the blade lodge itself in the man's head, but a hand reached out and plucked the balde from the air less than an inch from Vaako's eyes. Vaako blinked as he looked at the blade, if he leant his head forward the blade would pierce his eye. But it was securely held by Riddick, the Lord Marshal made no sound, just lifted the blade and looked at it. He spun it under and over his hand, before setting it spinning on his open palm.
"Well?" asked Bilbo.
"Yes… it's something to think about."
With a flick the blade flew back at Kíli, his eyes' scrunched tight, but there was no impact, he opened one eye cautiously, but all he saw was Bilbo's hand. Opening both eyes, he looked at Bilbo, the hobbit smiled and handed the dagger back, flat on his hand, hilt first.
"I've never killed a dragon before. Tell me more." Riddick purred.
"Later, Riddick." Vaako said. "Give them time to wash, eat and for the medics to see to them." Riddick grunted and nodded.
"Hobbit, you know where your rooms are. Meet us in the map room in two hours."
"Fair enough… Are the kitchens still in the same place?"
"Yes and I warned them this time, they know you're coming." Riddick grinned.
"Try not to kill anyone." Vaako suggested.
"I make no promises." Bilbo grinned.
As the sun began to set a week later, Thorin sat and pondered how his life had changed in the last two months. Now he sat on the battlements of Erebor listening to a hobbit chat with his nephews, one of which had plastered himself against the hobbit. Ever since the hobbit had kissed him, Kíli was never more than a handful of feet from the small male and Fíli had approached and told Thorin that he needed to offer the hobbit a place in Erebor or risk loosing both his nephews. Where Bilbo went, Kíli would go and where Kíli went Fíli would follow. But Thorin didn't have it in him to object, Kíli had found his One and Thorin remembered that it was like, he would not begrudge his nephew happiness.
He forced his mind back to the mountain, the roaring and shaking had stopped minutes ago and now silence reigned, Thorin didn't deal well with silence… well, it was more that he didn't deal well with not knowing what that silence held. Seven days after meeting the Lord Marshal and Vaako, Thorin was still no closer to knowing why the pair trusted the hobbit and why the rest of the Lord Marshal's people feared him.
A sound from inside the mountain pulled his attention back from the puzzle that was the hobbit. Turning he saw Riddick and Vaako ambling out, Riddick's arm was about Vaako's waist and his over the Lord Marshal's shoulder. The two walked stride-for-stride.
As they approached Thorin, Bilbo, Kíli and Fíli joined them.
"You've got another problem, hobbit." Riddick might look at them, but he usually spoke to the hobbit.
"What now?" Bilbo grumbled.
"The gold and shit, that the dragon was sleeping in?"
"Yes?"
"It's infected."
"It's what?!" Bilbo ranted. "After all this-"
Riddick turned to Thorin.
"I'll make you a deal, Thorin, son of Thráin." There was silence.
"What sort of deal?" Bilbo asked.
"Shut up, hobbit." Riddick said.
Thorin looked at the Lord Marshal, thinking quickly. Riddick didn't offer many deals and if you took the deal and welched on it, he hunted you down and made you regret it… for the rest of your very short life.
"What sort of deal, Riddick?" he asked. The Lord Marshal grinned, tossing a pair of dragon claws at his feet.
"You make me a pair of Ulaks with them as the blades and I'll have your Mountain disinfected, from top to bottom and everything in between… no gold sickness for you."
"Deal." Thorin held out a hand to the Lord Marshal and the two men shook hands.
"We've other news for you, too." Vaako put in. "Toal, sent a blip, Azog is about 16 to 18 hours from here. And there's an army of dwarrow coming from the East… I'm assuming they're yours, Thorin?"
"My cousin Daín, I would think. I sent him a raven from the Carrock, he'll be bringing supplies and warriors."
"Yes, from what Toal says, there's roughly 500 dwarrow, being lead by a redhead riding a pig… A pig?"
"Ah… Daín breeds Battle Boars."
"Battle Boars." Riddick turned to Bilbo. "I'll give you this, hobbit. It's never boring around you."
Smaug
Talking Riddick into killing Smaug. Bilbo steels dagger from Thorin without his knowledge, throws at Vaako, Riddick catches it just in front of Vaako's face, weighs and studies blade, throws it back at hobbit, Bilbo catches it same and passes back to Thorin.
This is a sample of Thorin's ?talent?
No one messes with a hobbit's kitchen.
Is the kitchen still in the same place?
Trilogy of nine stories.
1
A gift for the lord marshal
How does the hobbit know the lord marshal and why is toal afraid of him. What happened last time.
2
Smaug no one messes with a hobbit's kitchen
Smaug
Talking Riddick into killing Smaug. Bilbo steels dagger from Thorin without his knowledge, throws at Vaako, Riddick catches it just in front of Vaako's face, weighs and studies blade, throws it back at hobbit, Bilbo catches it same and passes back to Thorin.
This is a sample of Thorin's ?talent?
No one messes with a hobbit's kitchen.
Is the kitchen still in the same place?
3
Battle of no armies, we don't need an army we have Riddick
Azog
Bofa, we don't need an army, we've got Riddick
4
Yes, uncle hobbit
Yes, uncle hobbit
At the end of the day Bilbo says 'boys time for bed' Fíli n Kíli say 'yes uncle Bilbo' and Riddick and Vaako say ' yes uncle hobbit' the two look at each other, Riddick – what just happened. Vaako – he ordered us to bed. Riddick looks at hobbit, looks at Bilbo and says – it's not worth it.
5
Thranduil in hiding
Thranduil in hiding
Legolas wants to know why Thranduil is hiding in his room, refusing to answer the door.
6
Killing scones doesn't mean keeping spoons
Killing scones doesn't mean keeping spoons
Bilbo taking Riddick to Bag End for tea.
Lobelia keeps stealing Bilbo spoons, Riddick objects. Killing scones doesn't mean keeping spoons.
7
What do hellhounds and scones have in common
What do hellhounds and scones have in common?
Kíli want the story behind getting the hellhounds back. How does a hobbit Burgle six hellhounds? Scones. Lemon cake.
8
A pup for Vaako
A pup for Vaako
Ori gives Vaako a warg pup. Bofur says they're good at fetching.
Vaako calls Bilbo what do I feed it on. Bilbo replies goblins, but you don't have any so necro-traitors will do fine.
A year later it's taller than Vaako, calls back how big do they get? And how do I stop it from fetching people when I say their names.
9
Things I do for the lord marshal
The things I do for the lord marshal
Vaako wants to make dinner for lord marshal but can't cook. Wants lessons. Wearing apron, cause Bilbo won't let him in kitchen without it. Things I do for the lord marshal. Have you got one without flowers – are they daisies. Pup knock Vaako off his feet and he's covered in flour. Don't tell anyone. I don't have to, as Bilbo takes picture. Send it to Riddick.
How Riddick met Bilbo
How Vaako meets Bilbo
Why the Necro's are afraid of Bilbo
Crossover between hobbit-getting it right/game thrones based around white walkers
Valerian steel – Mithril