Propulsion

by 2shy the Shippy

This is the story of a woman who knows everything and a guy who knows one thing and what it takes for them to finally create something. With a dash of self-reflection, a hint of past transgressions, and a sprinkle of actual discussion, Harvey and Donna tackle hurdles that has stood in the way for years.

2. The Worn Path

Hope you all enjoy it :)...

"She is taking down her thoughts, reflecting,

Expecting…

She is musing on her autumn, her dreams,

Her dreams

She is making up her mind, expecting,

Expecting…"

-"Expecting", Minnie Riperton

After (Part II)

2 hrs

Hot water beat against Donna's skin as she lathered her hair with shampoo. With firm fingers, she rubbed her scalp as she thought about former boss.

As if it were a fragile object that could be broken, Donna carefully examined her relationship with Harvey and the complex history that shaped them. She turned the memories over in her head as she replayed the highs and the lows as she sifted through all that defined them—both the important and unimportant moments of their world.

Rome wasn't built in a day and neither were Harvey and Donna.

It was a reference fitting of both their professional and personal relationship.

Their world was carefully built; words carefully chosen, behavior carefully thought out, next decision carefully mapped out. Double speak was their language and avoidance was their dance. They were unconventional and co-dependent, which neither directly acknowledged, but managed to thrive because of it. Their relationship consisted of layers and unexplored areas and methodically drawn lines that shone in vibrant colors.

This was their design.

And like a strand of thread that was exposed, it caught and slowly unraveled.

Where content once resided, restlessness now dwelled.

It wasn't enough and, if Donna was honest with herself, it was never enough.

For a long time, she had been very good at pretending. Pretending that she was okay with the status quo of their relationship; pretending that she was content being Harvey's Girl Friday; and pretending that she wasn't in love with him.

Back when Donna had finally defined her evolved feelings for Harvey, which eluded her for months, she groaned at the cliché. She was in love with Harvey. You honestly couldn't get anymore cliché than that, she believed. It was years after they left the D.A.'s office. She'd cancelled a date to help him burn the midnight oil at work simply because he asked.

If Harvey had known she had a date, he wouldn't have asked, but he didn't know and so he did. Although Donna could've easily gotten out of it if she'd mentioned that she was going out; and really, Harvey didn't need to stay late, he just wanted to in order to get ahead on his work. She slightly grinned at him and agreed as she sat by his side and went over files with him. In her mind, staying up late and working on cases with Harvey appealed more to her than going on a date with a guy who she knew that, despite him being hot and them having fun, it'd go nowhere. They'd either go on a few dates and Donna would eventually lose interest in him or they'd date for a while and the relationship wouldn't feel right to Donna.

Thirty minutes before her date, Donna called him and told him she had to cancel—her boss asked her to stay at the last minute and she couldn't say no. And, no, they couldn't reschedule; a huge case just landed in the firm's lap and they needed all hands on deck until the case was over, which she couldn't even say when that'd be. It just wasn't a good time for her dating wise, but she loved her job and wouldn't change it for the world.

And that night, as they ate Thai food and conversed more than they worked, Donna realized that she was in love with Harvey.

At the realization, her heart loudly pounded in her chest as she inwardly groaned.

When she agreed to work for him again, Donna thought she'd be over him by now. Hell, she thought that she'd be a famous actress by now. But there she was: cancelling a date and working as a legal secretary as she ate Thai food with a guy whose longest committed relationship was his job.

And yet, there was nowhere else she wanted to be.

There were many paths that led her to that exact moment.

Donna supposed there were various angles to examine; angles that she's thought about at length and others she didn't want to entertain the meaning of.

But, still, here she was.

"Why?"

"You know why," Harvey, stated.

Confused, Donna slowly shook her head no.

"You know I love you, Donna."

It took Donna a moment to comprehend what Harvey said, but once she did, it felt as if a semi-truck had hit her.

It wasn't just Harvey admitting that he loved her out loud, it was the fact that it was stated with such certainty—like a fact he's known it for a while, one that he assumed she knew. Although he was correct in his belief, it was only partially. Donna had known, but she was unaware that he was self-aware, which completely changed the dynamics of their relationship as well as posed a few questions, such as: how long has he known?

Did he know when he dated Scottie?

Did he know when she pushed him to pursue Scottie?

Did he know when she was with Stephen?

Did he know when she was badgered on the stand during the mock trial?

When he asked her to come work for him after they slept together?

Donna felt as if she knew nothing. She may have known most people better than they knew themselves, but she knew Harvey the best. Or, so she assumed. The fact that she didn't know that little fact about him was a huge oversight on her part.

The other part that bothered Donna was that she wouldn't have ever found out if Harvey hadn't misunderstood her question. Harvey believed that she was asking why was shedifferent when she was really asking why was heleaving, which isn't the same thing. They were having two different conversations when Harvey admitted what she thought he never knew.

But, he knew.

And if she knew that he knew, things would be drastically different.

The thought made her throat tighten.

Even if Harvey hadn't misunderstood her question, what did she expect him to say?

Did she expect him to be honest?

Donna could picture how it would've gone if Harvey had understood her question:

The air is laced with vulnerability and want is as palpable as the couch beneath Donna and Harvey while they gaze at one another longingly. Desire hangs in the balance as they toe territory that hasn't been touched in over a decade.

Just as Harvey is about to get lost in the moment and allow himself to be with Donna in a way that he hasn't been since before they joined Pearson and Hardman, he realizes what's about to happen and says:

"I should go." Slowly, Harvey stands up, and then quickly gathers his things as he prepares to bolt out of the door.

An air of tiredness envelops Donna. It's not a physical tiredness, but rather, an emotional one as well as frustration with Harvey for being hell bent on fighting his feelings. It was quite clear that he felt something for her, both emotionally and sexually, and refused to acknowledge it.

Donna stands to confront him and inquires, "Why?"

"Donna," he warns.

"What," she shrugs. "Tell me why you should go."

"You know why," he says vaguely, as he drapes his jacket over his arm.

But, she doesn't. Donna knows many things, but his insistence on denying himself happiness perplexes her. Sure, she could speculate as to why Harvey refuses to be with her in any capacity that doesn't relate to work, which she doesn't understand. She's tired of filling in his emotional blanks when it comes to her—she's tired of being his emotional fluffer. Unconsciously, she nods her head no.

"Because if something happens, it'll be a mistake and you know it," he explains, as if it was an agreed upon conclusion.

Donna looks at Harvey as if she has been slapped. "No, I don't. What I do know is that something was about to happen and now you're trying to run away."

"Because it'd be mistake if I stayed," Harvey repeats, as his voice gets an octave higher.

"Why?" Donna asks angrily, and then looks at Harvey for him to elaborate. "Harvey, why would it be a mistake?"

Harvey sighs and looks to the ground as he holds tightly onto his jackets.

"That's what I thought: you either can't answer or you won't, which is bullshit because obviously you don't just look at me as your secretary, you're capable of looking at me as a something more, but you don't want to let those worlds collide because you're afraid to risk anything."

"Because we have everything!" In fury, Harvey drops his jackets on the armchair and approaches Donna. It's clear that he wants to explain to her that their relationship is fine as is.

"No, Harvey, you have everything," Donna contradicts, and runs her fingers through her hair before throwing him a look of annoyance. She doesn't understand how he could make decisions on their relationship—whatever that was—and not even consult her.

"So, you're saying you want everything," Harvey says softly as his voice drops. His tone stops Donna in her tracks; it's laced with a hint of hope and, dare she say: risk. That…he'd be willing to risk their relationship. All she had to do is say the word.

At the swift change in mood and expectations, Donna is unsure as to what she wants. It was all so clear moments ago and now, she's more confused than ever. Just as she's about to vocalize this to Harvey, she looks at him and realizes that if she doesn't seize this moment now, there might not be another one for a long time, if ever.

"I…" Her words falter as she feels the rays of Harvey's intensity beat against her skin. Abruptly, Donna yanks Harvey's tie forward and their lips collide. Her right hand holds on tightly to his tie as her left hand grabs the back of Harvey's head and pulls him closer.

For a nanosecond, Harvey hesitates, but then wraps his right arm around Donna's waist and deepens their kiss. His free hand runs through her hair as he moans into her mouth.

Reluctantly, Donna breaks the kiss and stares at Harvey. "I want everything," she admits against his chest. "With you. I want everything you with," she repeats. Tears pool in her eyes as she finally vocalizes what's been in her heart for years.

Since that night, Donna wondered how much of a difference it would've made, if any, had Harvey understood what was being asked. Would his response been different or would he'd run away even quicker?

Although her optimism and her own wants and desires could easily be blamed, Donna didn't think her fantasy or, better yet, alternate ending was all that off base. Harvey would've fought her on challenging his feelings either way, BUT his demeanor changed at idea of her wanting everything with him. A man who is afraid of risking everything wouldn't back down from his stance just because another person expressed interest in more. Because, despite Harvey's own fears and insecurities, his response to the implication behind Donna challenging his M.O. regarding them proved his stance could be swayed.

Consequently, Donna questioned everything she thought she knew about Harvey—everything she thought she knew about them.

If she got this very crucial thing about Harvey wrong, which the very core of their dynamic was based around, her whole outlook on their relationship was wrong. Or, at least, she had to reassess it.

She had to readdress it.

Harvey's words weren't devastating because he said it; they were devastating because he was certain of them.

To have a man tells you that he loves with no expectation of acting on it almost seems worse than loving a man who doesn't love you at all.

Or, maybe it wasn't.

But, Donna didn't know how to feel because Harvey's awareness made her confront her own lack of awareness.

For years, Donna operated under the belief she needed to guide Harvey emotionally; she needed to tell him how to feel and react because he refused to open himself up. But, really, Harvey had opened himself up and it was to her. Although it might have not been in the traditionally accepted way, Harvey allowed Donna to see his vulnerabilities. He outwardly rejected having them, but he listened to her and let her operate as his conscience. He cared about her opinions and let her act on his behalf because he knew she had his best interests at heart. Besides Marcus, Harvey didn't let anyone that close to him, especially his emotional side. Even then, Donna doubted that Marcus had the emotional access Harvey gave to her unresistingly.

And, he listened to her—really listened to her.

As frustratingly stubborn as Harvey was, the likelihood of him following her advice was very high. He may verbally dismiss it, but in the end, he modified his behavior according to whatever she told him and it wasn't because he was in love with her. It was because he trusted and respected her.

Although Donna chastised Harvey fear of taking risks, she now knew she didn't have much room to talk: Harvey was honest about his feelings and expectations concerning their relationship, she wasn't. Harvey knew he loved her, but would rather love her from a distance because the fear of losing her crippled him. And for a man, who change usually always meant the worst besides his personality makeover, he'd cling to the status quo, which had never failed him in all his years post high school.

But, again, his demeanor changed at the idea of her wanting everything with him.

Harvey was fearful of losing her, but if she was in, then he was in.

And there's the rub.

Donna rationalized to herself throughout the years that Harvey wasn't ready for a relationship; she denied her feelings to him, to others; she'd broken rules for other men that she wouldn't break for Harvey; she'd been dishonest to Harvey, but it was all under the belief that he wasn't ready when really, she wasn't.

Donna refused to shoulder most of the blame for their romantic stalemate, but her own actions played a part as to how they ended up where they did. Harvey was willing to risk everything with her if she'd given him a sign of wanting more. Regardless of if he believed she felt the same, she showed no interest of pursuing anything with him—so he believed.

Whenever Harvey inquired about her feelings for him, she denied him and/or became appalled at such a suggestion. Most of her behavior pointed to: DO NOT PURSUE, and Harvey respected what he believed to be her wishes.

For a moment, Donna put herself in Harvey's shoes and tried to see things from his perspective. Back at the D.A.'s office, he showed interest in her and she turned him down—told him about her policy about not getting involved with co-workers; years later, she broke that rule for a guy she barely knew. On various occasions, he'd ask her about her feelings for him or attempt to talk about it in his own Harvey way and she'd shut him down. She'd have him admit to jealousy, but never expect anything more to come out of it. Occasionally, she'd get possessive of him, and then push him towards other women—it was confusing and Donna wouldn't blame him one bit for having whiplash.

Harvey valued loyalty because loyalty meant security, which was why, even if he couldn't exactly understand his feelings himself, he listened to her. In the past, Donna told him to make nice with Louis, ease up on Mike, and give Scottie a chance and every time he did. She challenged his 'lack' of feelings and forced him to acknowledge them and, without even telling her, he acknowledged and embraced his feelings for her.

Donna wondered when that happened.

Once Harvey told her, "I've never had to tell you anything, you've always just known."

But, she hadn't known this.

She hadn't.

Harvey took her for granted, but Donna was in the same boat as he; they took one another for granted: Harvey expected her to know everything and Donna expected him to fix everything. She was the words and he was the action. Together, they were a powerful team—an enviable team, but they didn't utilized their talents when it came to matters of the heart. There was silence and non-action regarding their deepest desires and it led them to a point of no return. They couldn't go back: either the dealt with their feelings, their issues or go their separate ways.

Although friendship was an option, it wasn't a plausible one. There was just too much…history and expectations and trigger points. It was complicated and simple.

It was heartbreaking.

Donna ran her fingers through her hair, as she looked herself in the mirror. She felt different, she felt aged.

There was nothing freeing about leaving Harvey, a man who's held her heart longer than she can fathom. He'd been her perfect other: their similarities and differences complemented each other. Their compatibility was off of the charts. They were supposed to fit, but the pieces weren't falling into place. They weren't falling into place.

Tightly, Donna closed her eyes and swallowed the lump in her throat.

Were they even apart of the same puzzle?

Or, was it that they'd lost a few pieces along the way?

Could a puzzle truly be complete if all the pieces weren't there?

But, Donna felt complete when she was with Harvey. She felt complete when she they'd have late night drinks in his office and discuss life. She felt complete when his eyes would soften at the sight of her and relax his posture. She felt complete when he'd do that little sideways grin when she said something to amuse and befuddle him.

It was just when the moments were over that Donna felt a sense of lacking—she felt incomplete.

To combat the feeling, she dated more—it was nothing serious, but her family wondered. Donna casually dated every since she was in high school, but in no time, she always ended up in committed relationships. Whenever Donna was ever single for long periods of time, it was because she didn't have any interest in dating. She was never in the market for long when she made herself available, but within the last few years, her relationships became shorter and shorter. For a few months, she was dated Sam; a few weeks it was Victor; and months later, she'd went on a couple dates with Grant. But, they never stuck around. It didn't matter how much she liked them or how in love these men were with her, it never lasted.

The Paulsen clan was baffled.

The lone exception was Donna's ex-boyfriend Marco who she dated for over a year. Donna said he couldn't handle the work hours of her job after they broke up, but Marco was supportive of Donna's job, he was only critical of her boss. The Paulsen's didn't know what to make of it: they'd only met Harvey a handful of times, but he seemed like a nice guy…a bit arrogant, but nice and Donna spoke highly of him. After Marco, Donna went back into her sporadic dating habits.

Finally, they asked her what was the deal and Donna couldn't explain it. They said she was an intelligent, beautiful woman who was city wise, well travelled, and had a nice job—why wasn't she married with kids yet? Were the men not bringing enough to the table or was Donna asking too much?

Donna explained that, although she wished to be married and have kids, her life was fulfilling as it was. Although she believed what she told them, secretly, she was curious as well.

Why was she still single?

After Donna lathered her body with lotion, she slid on some yoga pants and threw on a sweater. For a while, she channeled surfed, but was wholly dissatisfied with her options. Usually she went out on Friday nights, whether those were dates, with friends, or to see her family, but not tonight. After she informed Harvey of her decision, she sat in the bathroom stall and quietly cried.

She'd left Harvey.

Once Donna composed herself—both mentally and physically—she completed her tasks for what was her last day as Harvey's secretary.

Briefly, Donna listened to music before she settled on finishing her re-read of the book 'Remains of the Day' by Kazuo Ishiguro.

Her ex boyfriend, Ben, from college introduced Dona to the book. He was an English major and said the book was beautifully written and stunningly heartbreaking to which she whole heartedly agreed. And, now that she was in a similar heartbreak of her own, completely related to passages that were simply just wonderfully crafted words. Despite her own heartbreak, she couldn't help but to flip to passages she bookmarked years before.

"But then, I suppose, when with the benefit of hindsight one begins to search one's past for such 'turning points', one is apt to start seeing them everywhere."

Is that what she was doing? Looking for 'turning points?'

Perhaps turning points weren't monumental moments, but rather, a series of decisions that shape the paths that was and will be travelled. Nothing just happened—everything had a cause and effect, but people believed that they'd know when the switch would flip for them. They believed themselves to be aware of how and when their feelings will change. The signs were signs, but they weren't everyone and, even then, signs informed and gave directions—they didn't provide answers.

But, Donna's problem wasn't that she saw signs everywhere, it was that she ignored them as she projected onto Harvey.

"One is not struck by the truth until prompted quite accidentally by some external event."

From the beginning, Donna was loyal to Harvey, which gave him the security to let his guard down.

But, despite his fear of losing her, Harvey wanted it all with her because he felt secure with her—he felt secure that he could be vulnerable and explore a meaningful relationship with her. There was a risk that everything could go wrong, but if Donna wanted to be with him, he was open and willing to take the risk. Harvey was willing to put aside his insecurities and hang ups about dating if she'd been willing.

This whole time, Harvey was simply following her lead.

Although Harvey wasn't experienced at committed relationships, he was unafraid to give it a try with her.

And despite Donna's experience in relationships, she wasn't ready to be with Harvey; she wasn't ready to emerge herself in a relationship that could change everything—for better or for worse, which she criticized Harvey for. She entered into relationships with men who could make her happy, but she'd never fully give herself to them. She'd prioritized Harvey over boyfriends and fiancés, yet; she'd never allow herself to be with him.

She wanted him, but refused to have him.

It made her think of that one Madonna song where she said, 'You're to have, not to hold.'

It was a truth Donna wouldn't have ever known if her subconscious hadn't been influencing her behavior.

The event that occurred at her apartment had been kicked into motion earlier that week—specifically, the day Donna went to Harvey to comfort her. In retrospect, Donna realized that the comfort that she was looking for was of the sexual variety. She could lie to herself and say that she really wanted to hear encouraging words from Harvey, but that was the furthest from the truth. Louis' words should've been enough, but they weren't. She was scared shitless and, in occasions that involve major stressors in a person's life, many look to sex to reaffirm their life, their freedom.

Donna could've easily picked up a guy in a bar, but she didn't want any random man, she wanted Harvey Reginald Specter.

She wanted to feel his cock slide in her as he reassured her that he'd take care of it. Nothing was going to happen to her, he'd promised as his sweat covered body moved against hers. Whispers and feather light kisses would be exchanged and, for the moment, her doubts about the case are non-existent; she was safe and secure.

Gently, Donna sat the book on her lap as Harvey's words echoed in her ear.

You know why.

You know why.

You knowwhy

In thought, Donna bit her lip.

Of course, she knew, but she expected him to say something like 'you know I care about you', 'you know you're important to me', or 'you know you mean a lot to me.' But, love—that was a different ballgame.

But, the question was: did Harvey know that she loved him?

Donna couldn't recall the exact moment she fell in love with Harvey, but she recalled the day she realized it. She couldn't recall the exact moment her feelings for him changed, but she recalled the moment she entertained dating him. She couldn't recall the exact moment Harvey became the most important person in her world, but she recalled the moment that Harvey wasn't just another guy.

Tenderly, Harvey removed the hair from her face.

In fascination, his finger gently traced one eyebrow, then the other; he slid a finger down the arch of her nose, and then brushed her soft, swollen lips. Harvey's expression was serious as he stared at her, and then a radiant smile spread across his face. As always, his smile was infectious and Donna smiled back at him. She felt her body begin to chill as the sweat dried. Affectionately, Harvey kissed her and she grabbed his head with both of her hands and deepened the kiss.

Reluctantly, Harvey tore his mouth away from Donna's. In protest, she groaned.

"You're right," he said, as he dipped his head and stole a kiss. "I don't want to share you."

Donna laughed against his mouth, and then said, "Told ya so." She then bit his lip and grabbed his head so he wouldn't break the kiss again. Harvey stuffed his tongue far into her mouth as Donna happily gasped at the intrusion. After a few moments, Harvey broke away again.

"No one likes a know it all," he remarked.

"Oh please," she grinned. "You worship the ground I walk on."

Harvey pretended to think about remark, and then eagerly nodded at its validity.

"Oh, so you aren't going to deny that statement," she said.

"Gosh Donna, I gotta put up a little fight to prove I'm not easy every once and a while," he said in faux outrage. "But, when you're right, you're right."

This time Donna laughed louder.

Without warning, he slipped a hand between her legs firmly rubbed the sensitive flesh.

"Harvey," she moaned as one hand softly grabbed his shoulder

Into her ear, he mumbled, "You like that?"

Slowly, Donna nodded her head. "Yea," she whimpered. Reflexively, her hips arched upwards to take his hand deeper. Harvey grinned at this as he pushed her hips back on the bed.

"More?" Harvey gently rubbed Donna's hair with one hand as the other stoked her between the legs and he intently stared her in the eyes. She could even feel his hard-on pressed against her side.

She nodded again. "Yea," she forced out.

Involuntarily, Donna's eyes snapped shut as she tried to steady her breathing. With wanton desire, she opened her legs and gave Harvey permission to do as he pleased. Perhaps if Harvey hadn't intentionally fostered such a response, Donna would be ashamed of her grunts and groans. But, there Harvey was, in her ear whispering about how much her noises made his cock swell. Every time she seemed to get a grip on herself, Harvey would do something that made her breathing hitch. Eventually she caught on that he was doing it on purpose. In frustration, Donna glared at him.

"You're an asshole, HA—R...veee…" she gasped again as she clutched the pillow.

"Huh," he grinned. "What did you say?"

"I said, you're an ass—ass…. hole," she bit out as her fingers dug into his bicep.

"That's not nice," he chuckled, as he held her legs open, and then rested his hips between them. As if it was second nature, he hurriedly rolled a condom on his cock, and then slid into Donna. "Fuck," he grunted, and then looked at Donna to check on her. "You okay," he asked as concern filled his voice.

"Yea," she confirmed. "I'm fine."

Harvey cupped her face, and then rested his head on hers. They lay that way for a moment before Harvey kissed her forehead, and then rhythmically thrust into her. Carefully, he lifted Donna's leg and put it over his shoulder.

"Fuck, Harvey," she gasped, as she tightly closed her eyes.

"No," he disapproved as his hand cradled her face. "Open your eyes."

Donna's eyes fluttered open as her hand involuntarily grabbed Harvey's wrist.

"Look at me," he softly demanded. Donna's eyes carefully met his as Harvey grabbed her hands and placed them on the pillow with each hand on the opposite sides of her head, and then intertwined their fingers. He slightly leaned forward and slowed his pace as his thrusts became more and more deliberate. "Look at me," he repeated again.

Donna held his gaze as an indescribable feeling washed over her. A knot formed in her stomach that, with each passing second, tightened. For a moment, she held a breath as she tried to understand the undefined, foreign feeling. It was then she knew. Donna didn't believe in true love, the one, or any of that predestined bullshit, but she knew that Harvey was unlike any other man she'd ever date or eventually marry. She knew that this wasn't just about sex for him (and them), but they weren't making love. It was something else—something between like and love. Donna didn't know how long Harvey would be in her life, but she knew he'd be unforgettable.

Lightly, she grabbed his face and pulled him into a kiss. Harvey returned the kiss with equal fervor as he pulled them into a sitting position and held onto her tightly. The new position brought Harvey's cook deeper into her, which in response, Donna groaned into his mouth. Firmly, Donna grabbed his shoulders as se rocked her hips. Wet, sloppy kisses were placed against her collarbone as Harvey's fingers dug into her back. They maneuvered on the bed so Harvey could lie on his back as Donna rode him

An undetermined time later, they shared a spoon and ate ice cream out of the carton. Silently, they sat in bed as they alternated eating a spoonful of chucky monkey with fudge. Eventually, Harvey became disinterested in the dessert and focused his attention on the redheaded woman.

"Harvey," Donna warned, as she tried to swat his hand away.

"What," he said absentmindedly, as he feathered kisses on her lower back and his hand slid along her inner thigh towards her vagina.

Donna grinned as she ran her fingers through her hair. "Harvey, we've had sex two times already, you've worn me out!" She laughed at Harvey's stamina as she grabbed his pesky hand. "Can we take a fifteen minute break?"

"We've already taken fifteen," he protested.

Donna playfully rolled her eyes. "Can I have another fifteen?"

Harvey dramatically sighed, "Fine." He sat up on the bed, and then leaned forward and peppered kisses on the back of her neck. "But, I reserve the right to cut into your time if I see fit."

"Fine," she grinned.

Harvey then kissed her on the mouth, which Donna eagerly returned as she slid her tongue into his mouth. Their kissing got out of hand and, before Donna knew it, Harvey had her on her back again. As she grinded herself against his hand, she half-heartedly complained, "You don't play fair."

"Oh no, Donna," he began. "I'm very fair."

Harvey proceeded to place light kisses between her breasts, down her abdomen, and then below her panty line as his head eventually disappeared between her legs.

Before Donna's mind drifted to oblivion, she thought, 'Yes, he's very fair.'

Honestly speaking, Donna didn't know what she was expecting the night she made dinner for Harvey after he saved her from going to prison. She cooked an elaborate meal, set the table, lit candles, and brought out the good wine.

At the time, it seemed perfectly fine to put that much effort into a dinner for her boss and friend.

But, had she been setting a mood? Trying to lower Harvey's guard in order to get him to give into his desires? It wasn't her intention, but how else could she explain the effort? And when it clicked to Donna that, subconsciously, she wanted to share her bed with Harvey again, she accepted defeat. For years, she was in a long, hard fought battle against her feelings—what was one night? Although she wanted more, at that moment, she just wanted Harvey.

Intently, she listened to Harvey as he allowed himself to be vulnerable and his faith in her gave him security to voice his feelings. Immediately, Donna felt the charged atmosphere as Harvey's latent desire became blatant. But, what was even more blatant was that Harvey wanted more than sex from her; he wanted to make love to her. And Donna knew she just knew that Harvey was unable to understand, let alone, articulate those feelings.

Or, so she thought.

The thought bothered Donna and it wasn't just because she was unsure as to how long Harvey knew he was in love with her or that fact she didn't know he was aware. They were one another's emotional fluffers: they emotionally supported one another as if they were in a relationship without actually being in a relationship. To make matters even worse, they used other people as relationship fluffers in a way: Harvey was more direct about simply wanting a sexual component, but Donna dated men she had no intention of committing to or marrying. The other people they'd never truly emotional commit to, where as they refused to cross the sexual line (again) with each other.

And that's why she had to leave; she had to learn how to think clearly without him around—without Harvey crowding her thoughts and invading her senses.

Was it Harvey's entire fault?

No.

This was 50/50.

When she really thought about it, it was some fucked up shit. No wonder Marco gave her the ultimatum. It wasn't just about her being in love with her; it was about her not truly investing in them because she was involved in some weird emotional affair with Harvey. Or, was she having an affair with Marco?

Guys didn't last because she didn't want them to—they were there for sex and to do normal couple things while she was away from work. But, at work, they didn't exist—they weren't allowed there because she didn't want them to interfere in her and Harvey's world.

Donna picked the book off of her lap and turned to another passage, with a whisper, she read:

"In any case, while it is all very well to talk of 'turning points', one can surely only recognise such moments in retrospect. Naturally, when one looks back to such instances today, they may indeed take the appearance of being crucial, precious moments in one's life; but of course, at the time, this was not the impression one had. Rather, it was as though one had available a never-ending number of days, months, years in which to sort out the vagaries of one's relationship with Miss Kenton; an infinite number of further opportunities in which to remedy the effect of this or that misunderstanding. There was surely nothing to indicate at the time that such evidently small incidents would render whole dreams forever irredeemable."

Slowly, she flipped the page as she searched for another of her favorite quotes.

"Naturally—and why should I not admit this—I have occasionally wondered to myself how things might have turned out in the long run... I only speculate this now because in the light of subsequent events, it could well be argued that in making my decision...I was perhaps not entirely aware of the full implications of what I was doing. Indeed, it might even be said that this small decision of mine constituted something of a key turning point; that that decision set things on an inevitable course towards what eventually happened."

She flipped back to one she read earlier.

"But then, I suppose, when with the benefit of hindsight one begins to search one's past for such 'turning points', one is apt to start seeing them everywhere... What would have transpired, one may ask, had one responded slightly differently...? And perhaps—occurring as it did around the same time as these events?"

And finally:

"Its was one of those events which at a crucial stage in one's development arrive to challenge and stretch one to the limit of one's ability and beyond, so that thereafter one has a new standard by which to judge oneself."

Donna's throat tightened and her eyes watered.

She didn't want her life to be filled with regrets and an obsession with 'what if'. She and Harvey both made mistakes—they both took another for granted and relied too heavily on what they've always done, instead of, modifying their behavior to what they needed to do.

The moment she decided to leave Harvey was make or break for their relationship, both general and romantic. She had to be more than she was before—she couldn't look at them from just her perspective like she used to. Because they did need a new standard and if they couldn't find one, she needed to move on. Either way, Donna needed to do what was best for her. She loved Harvey, she truly did, and Donna knew for a fact that she'd never love a man more than him, but she was done being stuck in relationship limbo. She was done getting the emotional side of him rather than all of him.

Donna didn't want to be his token of affection, she wanted to be his girl; she wanted him to take a chance on her like he did Zoe or actually give them an honest shot like he did Scottie. She wanted to be more than the secretary he bought expensive pursues for, wrote blank checks to, gave extended vacations to, and occasionally took to extravagant restaurants. Because Harvey was open to being with her, but he let her off too easily; Harvey should've demanded the truth out of her like she did out of him. Harvey should've known how she felt.

He should've…

He should've…

Donna felt herself getting worked up and took a deep breath. She wasn't about to cry again over Harvey. She wasn't working for him anymore, but that didn't mean they were over—whatever they were. But, again, she doubted that they could be friends after this. Donna wanted to be with Harvey, but she honestly didn't know how he'd react on Monday. Would he surprise her and understand? Would there be a shouting match?

No, no, he'd give her the cold shoulder.

He'd pretend that she'd been disloyal to him because, in his mind, she had been.

Donna picked her phone up off of the table and dialed a number.

The phone rang three times before someone picked up.

"Donna," her mom greeted, as she yawned. "Is something wrong?"

"No, I just wanted to talk to you," Donna denied.

"One in the morning," her mother questioned, as humor laced her voice.

Donna looked at the clocked.

"Oh, I'm sorry," the younger woman apologized. "I didn't realize how late it was. I just thought of you and called."

"How sweet." Donna could hear the appreciation in her mother's voice. "What did you want to talk about?"

"No, mom," Donna said. "You got to sleep; you're right, it's late."

"Donna, you've already woken me up," the older woman reminded.

"Well…I don't know what I want to talk about," she admitted. "I just wanted to talk."

"You didn't think this through, did you?" Donna chuckled at her mom.

"Tell me a story," she then said. "Any story."

"All right, did I ever tell you the story of how…"

65 hrs

Since Norma only passed away last week and Harvey wasn't at work, no one thought anything of Donna assisting Louis on Monday. Honestly, once people pieced together that she left Harvey, she knew that the rumor mill would be in full swing and water cooler talk wouldn't let up for a while, especially depending on how they find it.

Worriedly, she looked in the direction of his office as she put some papers in a manila folder.

Harvey rarely missed work. He may come in late from time to time, but he never missed a full day. Jessica didn't ask about him or didn't seem to be worried, so Donna knew Harvey called her. Jessica was also giving her pointed stares and speaking in a deliberate manner, which meant only one thing: she knew.

Again, people were bound to find out, but Jessica somewhat intimidated Donna. Harvey was Jessica's protégé: they had a special bond and she did put him through law school. Although Harvey occasionally acted out against her and she let him learn his own lessons, the older woman was protective towards him.

Mike approached Donna as he looked into Louis' office, and then over his shoulders.

"Hey Donna," he called for her attention. Donna looked away from her computer towards him.

"Yes, Mike," she replied as she turned her attention back to the monitor.

"Where's Harvey," he asked.

Without looking at him, she said, "Out."

Mike smacked his lips. "No shit. I mean, where is he literally."

"If you want to know so bad, call him," she suggested. Donna wanted to know, but she was afraid that he'd either ignore her or he'd scream at her.

"I did—he's not answering," Mike said.

"I don't know what to tell you," she raised her eyebrows as if to say 'deal with it.'

Mike whined, "Donna."

"If Harvey wanted you to know where he was, he would've told you," she remarked. "Now, leave me alone, Mike." Hurriedly, she shooed him away as she focused on composing her email.

Although Donna had no reason to worry about Harvey, she did.

Where was he?

It was a good thing that Jessica at least spoke to Harvey, but Harvey hadn't spoke to anyone else—not even boy wonder. At the same time, thought that wasn't necessarily a bad thing because, if Harvey spoke to Mike, then Mike would speak to Rachel. Donna loved Rachel, but she didn't want to talk about Harvey; she didn't want to get into what happened and why she did it.

84 hrs

No one thought anything of the first day that Harvey was absent, but the second day there was chatter. Harvey Specter…missing two days in a row. It had to be the end of the world—even then, that didn't explain his absence.

"Come on, Donna, tell me where he is," Mike begged.

All day, Mike bothered her about Harvey's whereabouts and Donna had had enough. The kid couldn't take no or leave me alone as an answer.

"Not here, apparently," Donna said in a curt tone.

"Donna," Mike said, as he literally stomped his foot.

Donna gave Mike a pointed stare at his mini temper tantrum

"Mike, if you don't leave me alone," Donna warned. "You're not going to like where my foot will be."

Mike looked as if he was going to argue some more, but heard Louis coming down the hallway and went the other way.

"Thank God," Donna mumbled under her breath.

Louis stood in front of Donna's desk and waited for her to acknowledge him.

"Yes Louis," she said, after looking away from her computer.

"Here you are, madam." Louis sat a cup of coffee and a pastry on her desk as he bowed. Clearly pleased with himself, Louis widely grinned as he stuffed his hands in his pockets. "I bet Harvey never did that." His head nodded to the drink and pastry on her desk.

Donna laughed to herself as she picked up the coffee and sipped it.

"Umm," she groaned. "How did you know how I like my coffee, Louis?"

"Because I appreciate you," he said sincerely. "See what it's like to work for a boss who appreciates a beautiful creature such as yourself?"

Donna furrowed her eyebrows. "Louis, although it's a nice gesture, it wasn't Harvey's job to get me coffee," she explained.

Louis smiled faltered a bit, and then widened again as he said, "Donna, you're relationship with Harvey is kind of like a victim suffering from Stockholm Syndrome—you've been with him so long, that you try to rationalize his behavior."

"Just stop right there, Louis," Donna interrupted.

"Donna—Donna," Louis argued over her. "You clearly came to me for a reason. If Harvey treated you so great, you wouldn't be with me, now would you?"

"Louis," Donna said, in an authoritative tone as she looked to see if anyone was near. "If you say another word, I will pack my things and go right back to my former desk," she threatened.

A panic look crossed Louis' face.

"I better not ever hear you summarize, demean, or undercut my relationship with Harvey in such a way ever again." As Donna spoke, she ticked off the points on her fingers. "Do you understand?"

Although Donna was unsure that Harvey would welcome her back with open arms, Louis didn't know that. Even so, there were still other people interested in her services.

"I understand," Louis nodded as he looked like a kid who was yelled at by his mother.

Inwardly, Donna sighed as she said, "Look, I know that you've wanted me to work for you for years and you're happy that I've finally said yes, but don't bring Harvey into this, okay?"

"Fine," Louis said, dismissively. "I just thought you might appreciate a nice gesture; I notice all of the hard work you do."

"And Harvey did too," Donna added, and then laughed. "If you think take out coffee and a fancy doughnut is your way of showing you appreciate me more than Harvey, so far, you've been unsuccessful." Louis' face dropped. "Harvey took me to places like Nougatine and regularly bought me Marni bags—if you really want to put yourself in competition with Harvey, you've got to do a lot better than that. Hell, one year Harvey bought me tickets to go to see Hamlet because one of my favorite stage actors performed in it, and then I got to meet him afterwards."

Louis was flat out frowning now. After Donna finished, he wordlessly went to his office.

Donna didn't mean to make him feel bad, but Louis brought that on himself.

She didn't understand why Louis felt the need to constantly be in competition with someone he craved the approval of. Professionally speaking, Louis wanted everything Harvey had: he wanted his reputation, his respect, his secretary, his protégé, and his relationship with Jessica. He accomplished the name partner part, but Louis didn't understand that he'd never be able to duplicate Harvey's life. One minute he adorned Harvey and wanted to be him and the next he believed he was superior to Harvey and wanted the younger man to suffer. Louis truly had a complex.

"What," Rachel said as she stared insecurely at Donna.

"Nothing," Donna shrugged. She poured a few M&M's in her hand and kept smiling at Rachel.

"Donna," Rachel said, "You are seriously weirding me out.

For a moment, Donna chewed her candy, as her smile remained plastered on her face. "So, you aren't going to tell me, huh?"

"Tell you what," Rachel asked. She looked truly baffled.

"That you're engaged." Donna made a circular gesture near her head as if to say 'what else would I be talking about?'

Rachel's eyes widened. "How did you know?"

"I'm Donna," the redhead said in a tone that sounded slightly like she was offended. "I just know."

Between spending most of her life-observing people and the predictable behavior of women recently engaged, spotting engaged women was nothing for Donna.

"Donna, sorry I didn't tell you, it's just—it's all so new and takes some getting used to," Rachel confided. "And I was happy at first, well, I'm still happy, but now I'm thinking about wedding dates and if we'll tie the know while I'm in law school or after I graduate. And the way Mike's career has been going, he'll build his name up way before then and I just don't want to be known as Mrs. Mike Ross, you know? I have my own career aspirations and it's one thing to date a really good lawyer and another to be married to one."

"Whoa, whoa…Rachel calm down," Donna advised. "Take a deep breath."

"Okay," Rachel nodded, and then breathed deeply.

"Don't worry about any of that stuff. Just take it one day at a time; you and Mike aren't getting married tomorrow."

"You're right," Rachel agreed. "This is just a huge thing and I'm nervous—don't get me wrong, I love Mike, but I also want to be known for my own merit."

"You don't have to explain yourself to me," Donna said reassuringly. "Just don't stress over the little stuff okay? This is minor, believe me."

"Yeah." Rachel smiled excitedly. "I'm getting married."

"You're getting married," Donna repeated as she smiled at the brunette. "Congratulations, sweetheart."

"Thank you." Rachel reached across the desk and squeezed Donna's hand.

"Besides me, who else knows?" Donna went back to eating her candy.

"Just you," Rachel admitted. "I'm going to tell my parents tomorrow during lunch. I was going to do it during the weekend, but I think it'll upset them that I waited so long. Mike hasn't told anyone yet either. He wants to tell Harvey, but Harvey hasn't been here and isn't answering his phone."

"Rachel," Donna warned.

"What," the younger woman shrugged.

"No." Donna wagged her finger at the other woman. "I know what you're doing, I perfected that technique—the backhanded question—and I'm not falling for it. Mike told you to ask me, didn't he?"

"Yes," Rachel admitted. "But, it's weird that Harvey isn't here. He's never missed two consecutive days of work. I mean, it's not a big deal, but it's still odd.

"If Harvey wanted Mike to know, he would've told him." Rachel reluctantly accepted this as an answer. "It's not like Harvey took off and is never coming back."

At least she didn't think so.

"You wanted to see me, Louis," Donna said, as she stood in front of Louis' desk.

Excitedly, Louis stood up and walked around his desk to pull out a chair for Donna.

"Sit down," he said. Donna did as told as he then perched on his desk next to her.

"I know we have to sit down one day and fully work out the terms of your contract, but how do you feel about this as a starting salary," Louis said, as he pulled a sheet of paper out of his pocket and handed it to Donna. At the figure, Donna slightly frowned. She grabbed a pen from Louis' desk and wrote a new figure, and then handed it back to her new boss.

"Ha ha," Louis said. "You've always had a great sense of humor."

Donna looked at him in confusion. "I'm not joking."

"Oh," he chuckled. "I see we're trying to play hardball."

"I'm not trying to play hardball either."

"Donna, as I told you earlier, I appreciate all of the hard work you do," he began. "With that being said, legal secretaries don't get paid that type of money. What I'm offering you not only matched what Harvey was paying you, but I added a little something as well and they'll be better incentives too."

At this, Donna frowned. "Louis, the figure I wrote is what Harvey was paying me."

"You've got to be shitting me," Louis exclaimed in a high-pitched voice.

"No, that was how much I made before I quit."

"No favorites, my ass," Louis grumbled under his breath as he walked to the door and exited. Donna got up and followed Louis as he made his way to Jessica's office. Louis let himself in as he knocked on the door.

With a tight grin, Jessica said, "How may I help you, Louis?"

"Louis, don't," Donna quietly begged.

"No, no," Louis dismissed. "I need some answers."

Louis sat the piece of paper on her desk and pointed at it. "What is this?"

Perplexed, Jessica analyzed the numbers on the paper, and then shrugged. "I have no idea what this means, Louis, but I have feeling you're going to tell me."

"You're damn right I am, Jessica," Louis spat. "I asked for Norma to be paid slightly more than average and you told me no, but Donna was being paid that." Louis pointed at the piece of paper as if it was a vile creature. "You said no to me, but yes to Harvey. You allow Harvey to do whatever he wants and shut down everything I ask for."

"I know you believe that to be true, Louis, but it isn't," Jessica denied. "And Donna isn't being paid that."

"According to her she is," Louis refuted, as he pointed to Donna.

"Either Donna is trying to strong arm you or she really is being paid that," Jessica replied. "But, it isn't by the firm."

"Cut the bullshit, Jessica," Louis said in a tone just below yelling. "The firm cuts her check, how else would she be getting paid?"

"Louis," Jessica stressed his name. "The firm does cut Donna's check, but not for that amount."

"So, you're saying Donna is lying to me?" Louis looked at Jessica, then Donna, then back at Jessica.

"No, I'm saying it's possible she gets paid that amount, but a portion of it isn't from the firm."

Louis wrinkled his face in confusion.

"Then how else would she get it?"

Donna's face dropped in realization.

"What did I tell you when you asked to increase Norma's salary?"

"That if I wanted to pay her more I'd have to pay out of pocket," he answered.

"Bingo."

Donna looked at Jessica. "Harvey's been paying me out of pocket?"

Jessica pointed to her fellow named partner. "That's what I just told Louis."

"For how long?"

Jessica leaned back into her chair and held a neutral expression as she said, "Since the beginning."

112 hrs

Weeks in advance, Donna had scheduled a half-day for Wednesday. She had a doctor's appointment to go to and needed to run some errands before going to work. After she took care of her personal business, she walked into work around one.

As Donna made her way to her desk, she heard snippets of gossip. She heard Harvey's name a few times, but didn't pay it any mind until she heard someone say he fired a temp.

Harvey was back?

Rather than put her things down, Donna went directly to Harvey's office. As she approached, her heart skipped a beat at the sight of his back. When he turned around, she gasped. Harvey wore days worth of facial hair and had a cast on his right arm that was in a sling.

Contemplatively, Harvey paced his office as he spoke to some man. That couldn't have been his secretary. Wasn't he just fired? Harvey never allowed them to stay around long—even to chat. But, who'd want to?

Lightly, Donna knocked on his door and entered.

"Hey Harvey," she greeted.

Harvey looked at her, and then the file in his hand before he proceeded to rattle off his thoughts to the guy.

Donna bit her lip and mentally swore at herself as she felt herself tearing up.

She wasn't going to cry.

"So, you're just going to ignore me," she questioned.

"What do you want, Donna," Harvey asked. "For me to congratulate you on the new job, well, congrats. Now leave me alone."

Donna shook her head. "I knew that you'd react like this," she said, "Like—like I'd abandoned you or something." Slowly, she approached Harvey as Harvey moved to the other side of the room as if she repelled him.

"But, you left anyway," he retorted. "And you did abandon me."

Just as Donna was about to respond, she remembered that another person was in the room. "Can you give us some privacy?"

"No, Bernie, you're fine where you are," Harvey told the man.

"That's how you want to play it, Harvey?"

"That's how I want to play it," he repeated, as he sat in his chair.

"Harvey," Donna said, as she threw a glance at the guy apparently named Bernie. "It's not personal: I didn't leave because of you, I left for me."

"I'm sorry, it just doesn't fucking compute for me," Harvey said as he pointed his thumb at his chest. "Because, from where I sit, the only major change in your job is your boss, which says I definitely played a part in why you left."

"Harvey…" Donna objected.

"So, either you cut the bullshit or you can leave my office right now," he said.

Donna tightened her grip on her purse strap. "Harvey, as I just told you, I left for me."

"And as I told you, I don't fucking know what that means," he said dismissively. "I can understand you leaving to take some time off; I can understand you leaving to try something new career wise; I can even understand you working for another law firm, but what I can't understand is you leaving me to work for Louis. It's the same fucking job at the same fucking place and if you're going to sit here in lie in my fucking face you can get out my goddamn office."

"You know what, you're being a real jackass right now," Donna said.

"Wait, are you giving me one of the reasons why you left?" Harvey leaned back into his chair and wore an indifferent expression, but she could see him taking in her outfit. She didn't pay any mind to what she was wearing until his expression hardened. It was then that Donna realized she was wearing his favorite outfit. Harvey was a man who played many things close to his chest, but that particular outfit was one of the few occasions where he flat out said he liked it when she wore it. In a kidding tone, he said it was his favorite, but they both knew he was telling the truth.

To be honest, Donna didn't give much thought to it when she put it on.

"Harvey, why are you being a jackass to me," Donna questioned. "I've always been in your corner and I've done nothing to prove anything to the contrary."

"Except when you left Friday," he provided.

Donna snapped her finger and pointed at him. "I didn't leave because were a jackass, but it sure as hell would keep me from changing my mind if I ever decided to."

"Well, I can nip those thoughts in the bud right now, Donna," Harvey said, "Because I'd never rehire you if you ever wanted to come back."

"Oh really," Donna said sarcastically.

"Yeah," he nodded his head. "I don't reward disloyalty."

Something snapped in Donna. "You know what, fuck you, Harvey."

"No, fuck you, now get out of my goddamn office before I call security."

"Go to hell," she spat.

"If only you promise I won't see you there," he said back in equal fervor.

Donna wanted to scream—she wanted to yell and pound Harvey in the head until he stopped being so damn stubborn. She looked to her left and noticed people staring into the office. It was then she realized that they had been yelling. Embarrassedly, heat warmed her face at the fact.

She then looked to her right and saw Bernie looking at Harvey then her.

"What the hell are you looking at," she said.

"How about you leave Bernie alone and get the fuck out since you wanted to leave so bad in the first place?"

Whatever retort Donna had for Harvey got stuck in her throat. Wordlessly, she exited his office and walked passed Pearson, Specter, and Litt workers without seeing them.

"Donna," Louis said in concerned, as he gently grabbed her arm. "What's wrong? I've been calling your name."

"I…um, I'm not feeling well. I need to go home," she lied.

Louis could tell that Donna wasn't being entirely honest, but it was clear that she was upset and very shaken.

"Okay, I'll call you later to check on you," he promised. "Hope you feel better."

When Donna threw one last look at the direction of Harvey's office, the pieces fell into place. He knew.

Donna read his face.

"Don't Louis," she mumbled. "Don't."

"Like I said, he didn't deserve you," Louis said resolutely.

Donna sniffled as she walked away.

In the taxi, tears streamed down her face at her blow up with Harvey.

Were they done for good?

She wiped her nose with her hand as she continued to sniffle. The driver gave her a sympathetic look.

Donna jumped slightly as her phone rang. She was tempted to ignore it because she believed it was Louis, but it turned out her mother was calling

"Hey mom," Donna said, as her voice cracked.

"Donna, what's wrong," he mother's voice was filled with concern.

"Nothing," Donna lied.

"Donna, what's wrong," her mother persisted. "It sounds like you're crying."

As much as Donna tried to speak, the words about her falling out with Harvey refused to come out. "Mom, I messed everything up," she confessed. As she thought about the words exchanged a few minutes earlier, Donna's face crumbled and heart-wrecking sobs filled her mother's ears.

Over twelve years of friendship and love and it only took one day—one decision to ruin everything.

Donna's heart was breaking not just because of the love and the dissolution of the most important, significant relationship she's ever had. It was everything: the ups and the downs—the good and the bad; it was their work together and how they were a formidable team; it was that Harvey was her best friend; it the years.

It was the hours.

They've been in each other's lives for over 104,832 hours and in 112 hours all of that meant nothing.

Choked sobs continued to fill the car.