okay someone asked for a crack hurk/vella lmao

Vella was not a patient woman. She didn't wait, stay back, or make adjustments for anyone else besides herself; if she wasn't getting what she wanted, she was going to do something about it. Regardless of all the consequences. Everyone remembers the day when Gallagher kept whining about not getting any trout like he had asked of the other mercenaries, so Vella made a short trip down the Ignacht and came back an hour later with a fish in her hand. Gallagher didn't even speak before Vella backhanded him with the flopping creature and then shoved it in his mouth.

Flash forward to now, with her cartwheeling out of the way of Lakoria's tail, as the giant reptile reared its frilled head and screeched again, before coughing up some of its stagnant poison spit. A couple paces away, their little tyke of a mercenary Lynn suddenly burst into a fit as the thick, viscous fluid showered her entire frame, to be quickly dragged away by Evie and a few potions. Her veins were thick with pulsing blood, and she honestly didn't know why she was knee-deep in mud and snake shit when it was her four-month anniversary with her beloved.

Vella ground her teeth and gripped her chainblades tighter, her bright eyes poised directly at the greatsword wielder.

"Vella, look out!," Lynn screamed, and everyone looked up to see the giant jade-colored viper rear its head and bare its fangs. Its jeweled eyes glared at the seamistress, who stood underneath its mercy. Hurk, whose attention was finally diverted from the snake, spotted the red-haired woman standing underneath the giant snake's fangs, and before he could realize it, he had dropped his greatsword and was running full sprint at his girlfriend.

Vella stood paralyzed by the viper's stare, and everyone stood frozen as Hurk made a break for her trance as the muscular giant crashed into her, right as her surroundings were engulfed in darkness. In an instant, the remaining seven watched in awe as the giant snake swallowed the two warriors in one fell swoop.

The redhead groaned at the feeling of the larger man on top of her body. Not that she wasn't familiar with that feeling of his weight on her body- she was –but in this case it wasn't the pleasant feeling she was used to. As the both of them slowly sat up, they gradually came to the realization that they were ass-deep in something very funky and very, very sticky.

The seamistress' face contorted in horror as she lifted her arm and the translucent, dull-yellow liquid slid off of her skin and fell to the floor with a plop.

"…Augh…disgusting…!"

Hurk grunted and picked himself up, ignoring the gunk on his coat. "Vella, are you alrigh- oof!"

The taller man's cheek stung from the force of the seamistress' slap. "Yer such a fucking idiot! Do ya even have any idea what day it is?"

"…Yeah. It's our anniversary." The tall man simply replied. He cringed at the sound of her voice, as she slowly started to revert back to her island accent.

"Then why are we inside Lakoria's stomach?! What in the bloody hell!" Yet, even as Vella was mouthing off, covered in stomach acids and other junk, she still managed to look…attractive. Just, the red tint on her cheeks from her anger, and the purse of her plump, red lips…

"What the hell are you looking at?! Are ya even listenin' to me- oof!" Vella's eyes widened as the taller man clamped his lips on her's. After a few seconds, she shoved him off and glared at him. "…What are you doing? I'm still pissed."

"Exactly. You look so hot when you're angry…" Hurk's eyes narrowed and Vella knew that look anywhere; he was getting into the mood. There's no stopping the berserker when he's in the mood.

"H-Hold up, I'm still angry- mmmph! H-Hurk…mmm…!" Those strong arms wrapped around her slender body and his kiss failed to relent, only pulling her deeper. "H-Hurk…p-please…"

"…Do you think they're okay in there?," Arisha questioned, watching from the side as the giant snake violently turned, throwing Karok into the air.

"Beats me," said a gruff voice. The archer, Kai, stretched his drawstring back before launching an arrow into the snake's forehead.

"Less talk, more fight," Fiona replied, dashing along the two of them with her shield raised. She held her hammer ready before leaping into the air and smashing the heavy bludgeon into the snake's side. It let out a hiss and violently turned once more, this time pushing Lynn back into a puddle of mud. Her shrieking made Arisha wince.

"…I guess I'll keep fighting," the witch muttered, setting her weapon down and conjuring a glyph on the jungle floor.

"…Hurk, I swear to Morrighan if you don't take me now…" The seamistress moaned as the muscular warrior placed kisses down her neck.

"Vella, I…" Hurk opened his eyes and stared at her, but noticed a slight hint of movement out of the corner of his eye. Turning his head, he found themselves faced with a horde of jellies, slowly gathering in front of them with their translucent, lime-green bodies. Their membranes shimmered with juices, making the greatsword wielder's stomach turn. "…I think they're watching."

"I like it when people watch," Vella breathed.

"They're not even people…"

"Shut up and kiss me."

"Has it spit out the two of them?"

"Not that I'm aware of."

Lann sighed and crossed his arms, watching from her afar as Arisha threw her focus at the snake and it erupted into a swirl of lavender, ticking the side of the giant monster. Karok groaned and leaned against his pillar, panting and wiping the sweat off of his forehead.

"Well, it ain't going to spit 'em out if we just stand here watching."

"…Right."

The both of them ran back into the fray, with the giant, dark-skinned man charging straight into the snake's side pillar-first, while the dual-wielder dashed in and slashed at the viridian scales in front of him.

It didn't take that long for the greatsword wielder to have his girlfriend propped up against the slimy inner walls of the snake with her tiny shorts and undergarments halfway down her thighs. Vella mewled as he meticulously caressed her core, squealing as he slipped a finger inside her. Suddenly, those fingers were removed and she heard that all-too familiar sound of his pants coming down and a loud gasp escaped her lips as the warrior pushed inside her.

"Oh god, Hurk…!"

The warrior grunted and smirked to himself, holding her by the hips as he started to thrust into her heat. "V-Vella…oh…!" Hurk moaned and drove deep into her, before turning his head to the side and noticing the jellies once more. They jiggled one by one until they were all vibrating in unison. Their bright green membranes slowly started to change colors.

"Um…Vella?"

"Normally it would have spit them out by now..."

"Do you think it's going to poop them out?" Lynn groaned inwardly as she wrung out her sleeves, watching the water drip from the fabric.

"No, it's not going to poop them out, Lynn. Let's just be patient…though they are taking an awfully long time inside there." Evie rubbed her chin and stared at the snake as it reared up once more.

"Whatever. As long as I don't get my dress all messed up again. I'll be all good." The little girl humphed and crossed her arms, right as the snake reared up behind her.

The mage's eyes widened and she was about to tell the glaive wielder to move out the way, but Lakoria had already opened its mouth, and a deluge of dull-green fluids drenched Lynn, also depositing the two missing warriors.

Lynn's eyes grew to the size of plates and she burst into a cringe-inducing shriek, before running off into the jungle with tears in her eyes. In the aftermath of the vomit lay Hurk and Vella, with the both of them still connected by the groin and their pants halfway down their legs. Vella's face turned beet red while Hurk made eye contact with the other six warriors on the field, simply staring at the two of them in middle of the giant puke puddle.

"…I-I can explain," he stuttered.

l m a o

i dedicate this to my underclassmen vindi friends, who have to put up with my bs in our group chats 3