Blaine knew what he was doing to her. He saw the way she'd look at him when she thought he wasn't looking at her, saw how it broke her heart when he was with Kurt. But he was happy with Kurt, he even loved Kurt. Their relationship was simple and yet complicated, loving and caring and there was no secrets or lies between the two.

Except that big one, the one that Blaine knew would destroy their relationship, their friendship, everything he thought he'd never have-at least, not while he was still in high school in Ohio.

He couldn't even really remember how it started, though he was sure she could tell you down to the minute it took place. The only thing he knew for certain was that he and Kurt had gotten together, and all of a sudden these emotions and feelings overwhelmed him, and like a scared little boy he ran to the first thing that popped in his mind. He wasn't even sure why it was Rachel, he had never figured out why it was her of all girls that he was attracted too, but there was no doubt in his mind that he was. He'd been around Santana and Quinn and all them and never felt anything more than a vague notion of friendship, of solidarity. But when Rachel was around, he couldn't seem to help himself.

It didn't make sense to him, and if he had a friend who he thought he could confide in without repercussions, he would have jumped at the opportunity. But the only friends he really thought of as friends were the two people he was sleeping with, and while Rachel knew of Kurt, Kurt would probably murder him and his whole family if he found out about Rachel. His feelings for Rachel confused him more than anything. He loved her as a friend, and while their encounters outside of the bedroom (or his car) were becoming increasingly awkward, he still thought that they were better off as friends. Friends who couldn't keep their hands off each other when they were alone, but friends nonetheless.

He had always thought that friendship and a mutual attraction was really all you needed to be in a relationship, and in some ways he did still think that. After all, that was what he had with Kurt. He could tell Kurt about anything in the world, and Kurt would listen, his hands usually idly scratching through Blaine's hair. But with Rachel, he didn't necessarily want to date her. He wasn't sure what it was-the fact that dating her openly would mean he'd have to actually address the situation; he'd have to question what was happening in the first place; he knew how much it would hurt Kurt. So instead, Rachel was shunted to the side, left alone until he wanted her enough to give in one more time.

Getting jealous of Finn was ridiculous and a waste of time. Finn was allowed to have Rachel, was allowed to date her without anyone questioning it-too much.

"I just don't see why they need to go through this again," Kurt sighed one night after the four of them had watched a movie, by the end Rachel and Finn were arguing about something.

"How many times have they been together before?" Blaine asked, trying to sound casual. It was stupid, he reminded himself, to get attached just because someone else was interested in her now. He didn't even mind that much when the old lead from Vocal Adrenaline took her to prom, and he liked Finn, so he wasn't sure what the issue was.

"I don't know, I've lost count by now. It feels like it's been about twelve hundred though, and that's the important thing. They just don't work together." Blaine raised his eyebrow, glancing up at his boyfriend.

"But you told her to go back to him," he reminded Kurt.

"Inadvertently! I was trying to show her that the stage was her calling, that Broadway was supposed to be her one true love. The only thing I said about Finn was that she needed to visualize both her options. Her options with Finn are far fewer than being single until we head to New York."

"And…."

Kurt rolled his eyes, sitting down on the bed next to Blaine, looking thoroughly irritated by now. "And that she could always bring him along so he could move heavy things, but I didn't think she'd listen to that part!"

"Well, what are the chances of Finn actually getting into a school in the city?" Blaine asked, and Kurt grimaced.

"Not good. Even if he did, I don't know how we'd afford it."

"Not with your mind set on Parsons, right?" he grinned, and Kurt shoved him playfully. "Well, they're already looking rocky and it's only been a few weeks. Maybe they'll break up soon and we can be over with the drama by the time school starts up again?"

"Maybe. She doesn't seem as interested in him as she used to be, which might be more worrisome because that means there's another guy she's interested in, and that rarely ends up well. I can only hope that Jesse has long since disappeared." Blaine felt his stomach clench at Kurt's words, and he looked down at Kurt's bedspread as he tried to ignore it.

"Hopefully," he said distantly, grabbing Kurt and pulling him towards him-anything for a distraction. Kurt squealed, a noise that Blaine usually laughed at, and their conversation was quickly forgotten.

Blaine had seen Rachel walk past through a crack in the door, and when Kurt was ready to head back downstairs, Blaine said he was going to find some aspirin to head off the hangover he was sure to have. Never having a reason not to trust Blaine, Kurt kissed his cheek before disappearing back downstairs and towards the backyard while Blaine glanced in empty room after empty room.

When he finally found Rachel, she was laying down in the dark, clearly letting her mind run away from her. His heart felt like it was breaking, and while he knew he shouldn't, he couldn't help himself as he crossed the room and fell into bed with her one more time.

It was her turn to leave first now, and he sat quietly as she dressed and disappeared, a word hardly having left her mouth since he walked in the room. Their fling was taking its toll on her, and he could see it probably more than anyone else. Finn assumed she was stressed with getting ready for college visits and interviews and applications, Kurt assumed she was just being more Rachel than normal.

He wandered back down the stairs as well, smiling at Kurt as he ran off the edge of the deck and jumped into the pool, causing the girls still floating around to squeal loudly. Finn jumped in next, followed shortly by Mike and Puck, and Blaine wandered to an empty patch of grass beyond and laid down, staring up at the evening sky. The music was still thumping, some new rap song that Santana was singing obnoxiously loudly too, Brittany chanting beside her completely out of sync.

He turned his head to watch the scene, noting that Rachel was off to the side as well, and after a minute he caught her eye, patting the ground next to him. She shook her head 'no', barely moving at all, just a fraction of an inch so that if anyone else noticed they might think she was just moving naturally. He pressed on, patting the spot once more with what he hoped was a relatively innocent smile. She turned from him, now refusing to allow eye contact. He sighed and sat up, sure that if he called her over and she refused to walk over it would look weirder to the group. "Rachel!" he called, and sure enough Kurt turned and noticed how Rachel was ignoring him.

She seemed to sense this, her shoulders sagging as she headed towards the grass where Blaine was grinning, victorious in his attempt. "What do you want Blaine?" she asked, her voice weary, and his grin quickly faded.

"Sit," he offered.

"I don't want to."

"You don't want to spend time with me?" he asked, hoping he over exaggerated the fake hurt to cover the real pain underneath.

"Blaine, not right now-" he grabbed her hand, pulling her onto the ground with him, and she scowled but sat next to him, staring ahead at the party she clearly didn't want to be at.

"How come you don't want to be around me?" he asked, his voice lowered as he did the same, his gaze focused on where Finn was now yelling about a game of chicken that was sure to end badly.

"It's not that," she sighed after a moment. "I'm just, I'm tired," she lied. He was used to her mannerisms and ticks enough by now that he could just tell these things.

"Rachel," he said sternly, and she looked at him for the first time. She looked guarded, but he could see the hurt that lay beneath the guard, saw the damage he was inflicting because he couldn't stop himself. His own face softened, and he would have leaned over to kiss away the pain, wanted nothing more than to do so, but Kurt's shriek of laughter reminded him of where he was.

"Just, why?" she asked, and he didn't know if she wanted to know why he did this, why he did it with her, to her, or why he couldn't let her go. The answer to all these questions, he was slowly coming to terms with, was all the same.

He looked at her, sincerity coloring his face. "You just, you make me feel not alone," he answered. She bit her lip and nodded, looking down once more.

"But still alone enough that you won't leave Kurt," she replied, and the shot was low but justified.

"It's easy with Kurt," he told her. "I love him. And I can't picture my life without him right now." He was sure he heard a sniffle next to him, and a glance out of the corner of his eyes led him to the sight of her brushing a tear away, causing his heart to break some more. "I don't want to let you go," he finished quietly.

"Well, as happy as I am for you that you don't feel alone with me, I can't remember ever feeling lonelier," she said, her voice quiet and breaking. "So you're going to have to let me go, because I can't do it again. I won't do it again." She stood, brushing grass off her outfit as she walked away, Blaine laying back down to fend off the wave of sadness her words had brought upon him.