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Disclaimer: sometime tonight JKRowling will collapse from the date-rape drug i have placed in her drink and I will successfully steal harry potter.

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Snape was pacing around Dumbledore's office, fuming, his face set into a heavy scowl. Dumbledore watched Snape with mild interest from his desk, where he was sitting, and his expression was thoughtful and slightly amused. Snape was mumbling angrily to himself, his words inaudible.

"What was that Severus? Sorry I'm getting a little hard of hearing in my old age." said Dumbledore, calmly.

Snape growled and turned towards Dumbledore, his hands clenched. "I am not becoming a nun." he said, each word spoken slowly and in a determined fashion through Snape's gritted teeth.

"I'm afraid, Severus, that you have no choice in the matter. Every teacher has a role in the new Catholic regime and you are no exception." said Dumbledore patiently.

"Well can't you make me a priest or the person in charge of exorcisms? Why do I have to be a bloody nun?"

"Because I feel that you are perfectly suited to the role-"

"WHY THE FU-"

Dumbledore held up his hand to silence Snape's interruption. "Let me continue. You would be suited to the role of a nun because you have excellent self control. You do not give into temptation just like a real nun. Also..." Dumbledore smirked, "you never engage in sexual intercourse. You are a perfect nun."

Snape huffed angrily at the last comment. "You have no idea what happens in my private life."

"On the contrary Severus, I know quite a fair amount. For example, the last time you had sex was 5years ago to a witch by the name of Rosmerta, the barmaid of The Three Broomsticks. It lasted approximately one minute and ten seconds. Well below average if I might add."

Snape gaped at Dumbledore, shaking with rage and embarrassment.

"Calm down Severus. Your secret is safe with me." Dumbledore paused. "and Minerva , Hagrid , Horace Slughorn , Tom from the Leaky Cauldron , Filch and...Who was it again? Ah, peeves too. Oh, yes, every portrait listening in this room too. But don't worry, they won't tell."

"D-don't w-worry!" Snape almost shouted with fury, "HOW CAN I NOT WORRY!"

"I can assure you that no-one else shall know if you this one little favour for me." Dumbledore gestured to the nun's outfit on the desk. Snape groaned. Dumbledore's blue eyes twinkled.

"FINE!" cried Snape and he snatched the uniform of the desk before storming from the room, slamming the door behind him.

"That went well." said Dumbledore happily. The portrait behind him snorted and the rest broke out into laughter.

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Meanwhile, Minerva McGonagall was sitting in front of a mirror, in the bathroom of her private quarters, scissors in hand.

Dumbledore had appointed her Head Monk.

That's right, she was a monk

How was it that Snape was a nun and she was a monk?

How did that even work?

Dumbledore was a twisted man with a sick mind.

As her first task as an official monk, McGonagall had to remove all her hair from her head.

"At least it's only your head hair" she said to herself in the mirror. She was definitely not removing any other hair with those blunt scissors. McGonagall proceeded to raise the scissors and hesitated. Closing her eyes and wincing, McGonagall snapped off a lock of dull brown and gray-streaked hair. It fell to the floor and tears welled up in her eyes.

She didn't want to be bald.

She'd look like Voldemort. All bald and wrinkly and ugly. A sob escaped McGonagall's throat as the last strand of hair fell to the floor.

She looked like a bald headed eagle.

An egg.

A Chinese hairless dog.

A bowling ball.

A cactus without its thorns.

In short, McGonagall looked hideous.

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Dumbledore sat in his office smiling. The new change was going well. So far there had been one crying bald monk, a furious under sexualised nun and some very amused staff members.

Alas, there was more to come. Dumbledore compiled the list of his staff and crossed Snape and McGonagall as their roles were already assigned.

McGonagall – Head Monk

Snape – Head Nun

Hagrid-?

Dumbledore considered a role for Hagrid before writing his final decision down , feeling satisfied.

Hagrid – Bible Basher

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WWWWOOOO YYYeeehahahahahhaha. Review me? I feel sorry for McGonagall now :( i love her.