Disclaimer – I don't own any of the characters that appear from the Gravitation series. Nor do I own Sophie cause she wont lemme keep her (Yes Soph is based on a real character 3) Anyway Maki Murakami owns them unfortunately.

Summary – Yuki abused and cheated on Shuichi in the past. And now its up to Hiro to show Shu that he is loved and wanted in this world (Bad Summary) WARNING: Mature themes. Yushu, Shiro, Yuma, hints of Kiro. Please R&R!

Again I find myself drumming my artistic fingers along the wooden coffee table in my friend's lounge, staring vacantly into space thinking about nothing and yet at the same time everything. I think it's been a week since I've begun my hopefully permanent stay here at Hiro's new apartment near Nittle Grasper Studios. He said he bought it so I could have my own room and my own special bed. Something I didn't have back at the institute. Yet still every night when I'm visited by horrific nightmares, I find my self tiptoeing as silently as possible in to the guitarist's room and cuddling up to the sleeping figure, mesmerized by the gentle heartbeat. Then returning to my bed quickly before he wakes up.

Again I drum my fingers along the table. A vain attempt to keep my hands preoccupied and to not let them try and find something to part my skin and allow rivers of blood to flow through the wounds but theirs nothing to do, absolutely nothing. I'm not allowed out incase I run away, not that I would want to and Hiro hasn't managed to buy a new television yet since he moved-in in a hurry not thinking that I would really come and live with him. I've already had numerous showers today and its only 2pm, it sooths me a little but not really that much. The shower is like the rain pattering against the windowpane, just like it has done incessantly for the past few days. Damn I'm bored! So very bored. I mean I'd be bored at the institute but that's a different story all together.

Hiro's cooking our lunch now… I want to help, but cooking involves knives and other sharp objects and Hiro's under strict orders not to let me near anything like that. I want to be more use then just sitting around, and then possibly my life would return to normal.

I stand slowly, stretching and wincing as my joints pop noisily from the additional exercise that they've been having lately, instead of sitting around in my little corner. I walk over to the balcony window and rest my forehead against the cold damp pane of glass. The latch to the door locked and bolted. I thought about it once, but I can only speculate why it hasn't even been unlocked since I've been here. Perhaps he's lost the key or as crazy as it might sound, he didn't want me to jump from his sixth floor balcony. Maybe he does really care, or maybe he just doesn't want to feel accountable if anything suspicious happens to me… no that's ridiculous. It's these stupid miniature emerald pills that are stopping me from thinking straight, turning my mind to a cherry slushy. The institute said I have to take them every 6 hours, I think their anti-depressants or something, and they make me ramble like I'm doing now. Hiro doesn't seem to mind though. He just smiles and pretends that nothings wrong because I used to do that even when I wasn't 'insane'.

I feel a warm hand slipping around my waist, supporting me and enveloping my skinny figure in much needed warmth and love and I find myself leaning back against it and smiling as I listened to his gentle heartbeat. It's amazing how silent he has become lately. How could I not hear him walking around?

I manage to sneak a glance at the guitarists wristwatch as the other arm slipped around my other side holding me tightly against his chest. I frowned reading the dial, now it was 2:30. Damn! At 3 o'clock every other day some weird doctor comes along from the institute to assess my state of mind and making sure that I'm mentally stable, not dangerous to anyone (especially Hiro) and that I'm all right. Can't say that she's been impressed, so far I've refused to talk to her and even when she's here I'll only talk to Hiro. Sometimes just nodding or shaking my head. Our sessions are 50 minutes long but I still find it meaningless and pathetic. I don't need regular reminding as to why I can't be left to do anything on my own. Though I'm not complaining about having to shower and bathe with Hiro.

I know I'm going to get better if Hiro just stays with me for as long as he can. Just being with me makes me feel like I could perhaps continue to exist in this malicious and twisted world that captures and enslaves humanity.

I sighed and turned within Hiro's arms looking up into his sad brown eyes, as I then gripped his shirt weakly. I don't know how long we stood there. I wish I could have stayed there for an eternity but that damn woman knocked on the door and showed no sign of letting up and buggering off to do something useful instead of wanting to talk to me.

My grip on my friend's shirt tightened slightly as a forlorn tear trailed down my face. No one could understand how I felt, even Hiro. Especially Hiro. I'd never talk to him about anything I thought about, I'd never want to upset it and I hate it when he's sad. I blinked slowly and smiled desolately as he reached down covering my own lips in his sugary own in a brief gentle kiss before letting me go and walked off towards the door.

He looked back once before opening the door and laughed at my pouting, apparently adorable face as I crossed my arms and stood there, half glaring at him as he turned to the woman in the door way. I shifted towards the sofa and sat cross-legged in my regular place in the middle. Knowing full well that this was my last chance to prove that I am / will get better, if not I would be sent back to that limitless white padded pit or endeavor to commit suicide once more.

I closed my eyes and took in a slow shaky breath, opening them to the world before me when I felt Hiro sit beside me and holding my hand and slowly tracing slow circles over my skin with his thumb. The woman sat before me, in the opposite armchair. I think her name was Sophie Lamb or something; well that's what I think she told me her name was. Her short jet-black hair was tied back in a small ponytail, matching her black attire, her polo-jumper and cord jeans. Her deep hazel eyes hidden behind matching black-rimmed glasses. She seems nice, well she is. I don't have a problem with her… I just don't like doctors. I can almost count down in my head to when she will say that same annoying phrase, which I know she has been trained to say.

"Hi there Shindou-Kun! How are you feeling today?"

Damn there it is! What the hell does she expect of me? What am I supposed to say? That I'm feeling on top of the world and as happy as can be, which is a blatant and obvious lie. Or that I feel depressed and suicidal but I cant really say that either, not if I wanted to be locked up again. So what is there left for me to say? Apart from "I'm fine…" in my quiet un-Shuichi like melancholy voice.

"Have you been taking your medication?"

I nod. Damn, did I hate those pills.

"Do you like living here with Nakano-Kun?"

I nod again and looked down at Hiro's interlocked fingers, and mine receiving a light squeeze.

She just sighed and jotted something down on her notebook. "Is there anything you want to say Nakano-kun?"

This time I squeezed at the bigger, stronger hand and looked up into his eyes and achieved a small sad smile from him before he turned back to Sophie and shook his head.

"Right then…" Her gaze turned back to me as she read over some notes from our four previous sessions. "Is there a reason you don't want to talk to me Shindou-Kun?"

I dropped my head and bit my bottom lip hard enough to draw my deep crimson blood. I hate these situations, they're so complicated, and I never know what to say so that I don't sound like some self-harming freak on anti-depressant medication. I can sense Hiro and her exchange a silent conversation. She pity's me… I know it but it's not my fault. I never thought I'd end up like this when I was little but when I was little I would have never known that Yuki Eiri Uesugi would enter my life and turn it upside down. I would never have known that I would realize that I loved my best friend too; I don't think he knows how much he truly does mean to me.

I felt the brunette squeeze my hand again and I looked up at him. "Shu-chan?" Before I could say anything I felt those soft familiar lips press against mine. His free hand coming up to stroke my face "At least try Shu…" And I turned away back to Sophie.

Try? What the hell? I am trying… I've spent this last week trying to not smash a window and bring the broken glass shards against my already marred skin. I sigh and try to relax. Its not Hiro's fault, its my own for not talking about this with him. I should do… I know I should… its just so hard to. I spent ages telling Yuki to say his feelings out loud and yet I never realized how tricky that it actually is.

"Shindou-Kun… You know that if you don't make some progress soon then they'll want you back… They didn't want to release you in the first place… They wouldn't if that crazed blonde American with the guns hadn't come along, then they wouldn't have…" I grinned and looked at Hiro who gave me a sheepish innocent smile. "If you don't like me or if its something else I can arrange for someone else to see you if you want but you can't get out of it, not if you want to stay here with Nakano-Kun…"

I swallowed quickly and looked back at her as Hiro squeezed my hand encouragingly. "Its nothing personal… I just really don't like doctors…"

Sophie looked at me and blinked. "What about someone that wants to help you because she wants to… not as a doctor? Please…" She gave me a hopeful genuine smile and I found my self smiling and nodding, though I still couldn't shake the fact that no matter what we said to each other or how we acted then in the end, it was still her verdict and she had to report to the head honchos, whether or not I could actually stay here. She'd always be analyzing me, but I guess this was a start. A hopeful start and I'd do anything to stay here with Hiro until the end of time.

WOO Yay Sophie :) Sophie is a friend of mine nod nod so yay you're finally in it babe. All that bribery paid off. BUT your only in this chapter me thinks. Anyhew, I hoped you liked. I kind of put some of my own personal experiences in this chapter. E.g. those damn bloody questions! R&R Pwease!