Hermione lay in bed, reading her dog eared copy of Hogwarts: A History, for the hundredth time, when she heard a slopping thud against her window. She glanced over her shoulder and peered into the darkness, but saw nothing in the dark night outside the window, and went back to her reading. She was carefully scrutinizing any chapter that mentioned the Sorting Hat. After the passionate night she had spent with him the week before, she wanted to know how the sorting hat had become a sentient being. She relaxed into her pillow, and gave a small sigh as she thought about the hat, and wondered when she might see him once again. It had been over a week since she's seen him, and it was driving her crazy when each day passed without a word from him. Sure, she thought, he's a hat. But what a hat! FLUMP! She heard the noise again. FLUMP! FLUMP! FLUMP! Hermione jumped out of the bed, pulled her robe around herself and walked to the window to investigate. She wondered if it might be Ron's owl, Pigwidgeon, come to deliver her a letter. Or maybe it was Fawkes with the Sorting Hat! No, she thought despondently, No ,Fawkes would have come through the fire place. She sighed, shuffled to the window, and threw it open wide.
"AIIEEEEEE!" She heard a screech erupt from the night. Squinting her eyes, Hermione saw a damp, black crumple of felt falling to the ground. Thinking quickly, she grabbed her wand from the night stand.
"Accio Hat!" The hat flew back towards the window, landing in her hand with a soggy squelch. "Oh, my goodness, what's happened to you? How did you get so soaking wet?"
"Oh, it was that damned Fawkes again!" Moaned the hat, as Hermione performed a drying charm on him. "He said he was tired of me going on and on and on about our night of love," the hat sighed and gazed lovingly up into Hermione's face. "And then he grabbed me and flew me out to the lake, and dropped me in! He said I needed to take a cold shower. When I get my brim around that bird, I swear!"
"Threw you in the lake! That's horrible!" She smoothed out the wrinkles that had formed on the hat, then straightened his tip. "How did you get up to my window? How did you even find it?"
"I've been searching all day, banging on windows. God, most girls just screamed and cursed me back out the window. Thought I was a boggy old bat, and sent me flying. Do you have any idea how hard it is to climb up these towers, when you're a hat? No, how could you, you're not a hat!" The hat slumped down in Hermione's arms, the folds which were supposedly his eyes turned down and he huffed out a small, sad sigh.
"What is all this about? Is this why you haven't come to see me all week? Because you're a hat, and I'm not?" Hermione dropped herself down onto the bed, placed the hat on the pillow beside her, and crossed her hands in her lap. "Well, I'm sorry, but you knew I wasn't a hat when you met me. It shouldn't have come as some great surprise to you that I wouldn't be able to sympathize with the struggle which hats face when it comes to love and locomotion." She tapped her foot on the floor with a sharp rap, and then looked at him testily. "If you have a problem with the way this relationship is going, you shouldn't have started it. You should have known there would be issues. You're a fucking hat!"Hermione leaped out of the bed and began pacing the room.
"No, sweetheart, no! It's not you, its me!"
"Oh, is it then!" Hermione shot a look of contempt at the hat, tears threatening to fall from her eyes.
"Oh, please, don't misunderstand me! It's just, I wish I could please you like a real man should! I'm just a goddamned hat. I'm just good for head sex, and nothing more. I'm pathetic. Pathetic!" The hat drooped over, convulsing with the sobs which overtook his body.
"Is this why you haven't come to see me? Is this what you've been going on and on about all week to Fawkes?" She sat down next to him on the bed, and threw her arms around him. "Well, no wonder he threw you in the damn lake. You should have come to talk to me about it." Hermione traced a finger lazily across the tear that was his mouth. "We could have worked this all out, you know. I enjoyed what we shared together."
"Have you ever been with a man before?"
"Well, no," she admitted, "But what does that matter?"
"Then you don't know what you're missing!" The hat sobbed, "How can I take that away from you!"
"If I've never had it, I can't miss it. Now why don't you jump up on top my head and let's see if we can't turn this night around for the better."
"Oh, baby, you know how to make a hat feel like a man!" The hat joyously exclaimed, then bounded up to her head and began the familiar scrunching and grinding sensation that Hermione remembered from their last meeting.
"Oh, yes, oh Sorting Hat!" She moaned as she struggled to quickly remove her clothes. "You know I love you just as you are, but can't I call you something other than 'hat' all the time?"
"Love, you can call me anything you want," the hat grunted out between thrusts "as long as you're screaming it!"
"Ohhhhh" She cried out in ecstasy, "Oh Gilderoy!"