I'm Only Four

Greed had just cooked a lavish dinner, full of plump, roast pigs and ham, apples, danishes, and other delicacies that none of the other sins could believe he actually knew how to cook. "You pick some stuff up, after 400 years," Greed said, watching Gluttony stuff an entire pork into his mouth.

"You should have cooked something with less calories for Gluttony," Dante said. "He's on a diet."

"Well, I'm sorry. In 400 years, none of you mentioned that to me at all."
"I'm 400," Envy said, sounding bored. He was ripping apart another pig, imagining it to be Edward Elric, or even better, Hohenheim.

"I'm older than 400," Dante offered, "but by how much is a secret. I will never tell you my exact age- it's a rule, once you're immortal and get past 400."
"I think I'm only 16 or 17," Lust said. "I was created just a little before the Ishbalan Massacre."

"You look like a teenager," Greed pointed out. He turned to Wrath. "How old are you?"

"I'm ten," he said. "I think."

"Gluttony's 400," Dante said. "That leaves only Sloth."

Sloth looked down at her plate. "I'd rather not say."

"Oh, come on," Lust said. "Trisha was the Elrics' mother. You can't be ridiculously old."
"I'm not," Sloth replied, seeming to get more and more downcast with each passing moment. "I'm ridiculously young."

"Out with it, girlfriend!" Greed shouted. "You can't be the only one who keeps this under wraps. We all shared."

"I'm not your girlfriend," Sloth muttered, "and actually, I've been thinking about this a lot. The truth is..."

"Uh-huh..."

"I'm only four."

This produced mad fits of laughter. "That means that Wrath is older than you!" Envy cackled. "Man, that's good!"

Sloth stood. "If you're going to make fun of me," she said, "this four-year-old is going out to play." She walked briskly out of the room, then slammed the door behind her. After another few seconds, they could hear another door slamming.

"I think she left the house," Lust said.

"Well, if she can't handle a joke, then too bad," Envy said. "She's been getting kind of edgy lately."

"Stress," Lust said.

"Depression," Dante added.

"Naw, I think it's just stupidity," Greed said.

"Uncle Greedy, that's mean!" Wrath said. "Someone go get Mommy!"

"I suppose someone should," Dante said with a sigh. "Envy, you're the one who offended her, so get over there and apologize."

Envy groaned."Do I have to?"

"If you want dessert."

Sloth had fled to the one place where she felt at ease: a swing by a lake. She liked it because the swing was made of wood under a tree, and felt strangely comforting, and because a lake was nearby.

This was also where Trisha and Hohenheim met.

She told herself it was just a coincidence she liked to be there and so did Trisha. "It's just because of the lake," she whispered. "It has nothing to do with Trisha's memories."

As she sat there, she wondered whether she should stop some of her habits since she was technically still underage. "Well, that means I can't date Greed," she thought. "Or anyone else for that matter. I guess that also means I can't have any more of the red wine when I come back from work. That stinks- it's kind of needed. Since I'm underage, I also shouldn't be working. And the worst part is... since I'm four... I should be in kindergarten." She shuddered as memories of Trisha in kindergarten flooded her mind. Judging by what Trisha had gone through, it was not a very pleasant place.

She looked up from the serene waters as the butterfly on a flower shimmered and turned into a tall, dashing young man. "What do you want, Envy?"
"I want to apologize," he said. "Sorry. You'll be 400 eventually, so enjoy being young. The older you are, the more you see things in the world that are remarkably stupid. Like humans. And... you start getting so weary, and eventually you start thinking you're remarkably stupid too."
"You feel like that?"

"No. That's Lust's message for you- and she's only sixteen. I wonder how in the world she feels like that already. I thought you were depressed, but it looks like Lust has a more severe case. ANYWAY... I like being old. It's fun! Something to brag about. Lust wants to die so she doesn't have to see too much- I want to see it all! Hurting humans is relaxing."
"Uh-huh. Sure." Sloth stood. "Have you guys had dessert yet?"
"No. Dante said we wouldn't until I fetched you again."

Dessert was strawberry shortcake. "We should have you cook every day, Greed!" Sloth said as she bit into the soft treat.

"Why did you want to learn to cook?" Lust asked. "Because it attracts girls?"

"Well, yes and no. I started cooking for another reason, but it's true that I don't mind the plus of girls who are looking for a man who likes barbeque. I started cooking because I'm greedy- I want everything, and that includes knowledge."

Wrath started jumping up and down in his chair. "Mommy, I think I'm on a sugar rush!" he cried.

"Correction," Greed said. "I want almost everything. There is no way on Amestris I want to babysit that brat."

"That's mean," Sloth said. She turned to Wrath. "Do you want to go to bed, sweetie?"

"No! I'm on a sugar rush! I need to burn energy! Take me to the gym!"

"Wrath, sweetie, the gym is for grown-ups, not for little kids."
"You go to the gym and you're only four!"
"That's different," Dante growled. "Unlike you, Sloth has the memories of an adult. In other words... she's four but she has memories of 30 years of being Trisha Elric..."
"So, technically, that means she's 34," Lust said. "Oh man! That makes me 37! She was 21 when she died."
Dante frowned. "I'm still older than all of you, even if you count your memories. I created the first three of you."

"Yep, she did," Greed said with a sigh. "I don't remember how old he was when he died."

"Does that make you feel better?" Envy said. "Now you're older than Wrath- he died as a newborn."

Wrath jumped up and down in his chair. "Gym gym gym gym!"

"Wrath, if you want to go to the gym, you're going to get a haircut first," Sloth said, using the one tactic that always worked.

"NOOOO! No haircut! Okay, okay, okay! I'll go to bed like a good boy. No gym, no haircut!" He rushed up the stairs.

"For a four-year-old," Lust said, "you sure are a good mother."

Sloth smiled. "34, remember?"

Lust grinned. "How about we head down to the spa and have us a girls' night out? Do you want to come too, Dante?"

Dante shook her head. "No, I have more evil schemes to plan. Why don't you two head down and have a good time, all right? Don't stay out too late."

"So... if I'm 34," Sloth said, "that means I can work, drink my wine, and..." She broke into a huge grin as she realized what being 34 also meant. "I can SKIP KINDERGARTEN!"

"What in Amestris?" Lust asked.

Sloth winked. "It's a long, long, story."