The Petals
Spring. Your presence during that season always seemed to make it my favorite time of year. The rain fell with your passion, making the flowers bloom with your love. You were my favorite part of everyday, even when I didn't always want to see you.
You were stubborn and confident, two qualities I always admired in our youth, but came to realize were cover ups of true feelings as we grew older together. "Oh c'mon Alvin," Simon had said, "maybe you're the reason the team lost." You rolled your eyes, that smirk dancing across your lips. I wanted to slap it off of your face and place my own lips on it at the same time. "Ah," you replied, confidence leaking out of your voice, "that's where you're wrong. I'm never at fault when it comes to sports." But you were this time. I gave you a look, quickly looking away to hide the blush that crawled up my cheeks as you winked at me.
Later that night you were at my door and I was confused. Why did you come? You were anxious and upset, but wouldn't share words with me to help ease your mind. I made tea and you didn't touch yours. "Alvin," I asked, getting your attention quickly. Your expression was soft and vulnerable, a moment I never took for granted, "what's wrong?" You sighed, the hard exterior of your stubbornness building back up again. "Nothing, Britt. I just needed you around me is all." I saw through your smile. I wanted to pull you close, let you rest your head on my chest as you told me your worries.
A few months later. You were late to the lunch table and the space next to me felt cold in your absence. "Where's Alvin?" The others had asked. I felt a bit betrayed not knowing your whereabouts, but I let it go. We were just friends. "Hey guys!" I turned to smile at you, my eyes landing on the girl from our writing course with the pretty blonde hair who touched your arm when you two talked. My heart fell so hard I'm sure Jeanette felt the ground shake. You'd look better next to me. You do look better next to me. I know you could see through me, but I excused myself quickly, skipping class and walking home. That was the moment I realized you were the one. The one I wanted and needed and craved. The one I selfishly never wanted to share.
You came over that night, worry on your brows as I told you I wasn't feeling well. I lied. I was sick from your new blonde friend, not the stomach flu. That night I stared at my ceiling, cursing myself for falling for my best friend. "Just friends." I repeated to myself, placing my favorite photo of us face down in its frame on my dresser.
A few weeks had passed. I angrily threw my water bottle into my bag, not caring that the team had just won. You weren't there to see. Why should I care? It was the biggest routine of my cheer career yet, sending the team to nationals. I shake my competitor's hand, her blonde hair reminding me of why you missed. It was fine, you would still pick me up… Right? I sighed, my mind flashing to the smiles that you probably gave her that used to be just mine. Mine. The precious minutes she spent holding your hand. Did she even appreciate the extra snacks you would bring for me that you now probably share with her? Probably not. Those snacks were probably replaced with her favorites.
An hour. I stood in the rain for an hour, cursing at the grey clouds for deciding to match my mood. My hair stuck to my cheeks as I sat on the cold, metal bench. "Brittany…" Eleanor had said, pulling up in her car. "Did you need a ride? It's… It's really cold and wet outside. You should be celebrating your win." I stared at her blankly, suddenly realizing I didn't have a coat or umbrella. "No," I said flatly, "I need to walk." Eleanor tried to offer me an umbrella, but I turned it down. You always had an umbrella for me. I stood, heading in the direction of my home. I was happy it was raining. Eleanor didn't notice the tears on my cheeks and make me explain why I was so upset.
I don't know how, but I ended up at your door. Soaked and flushed red with anger. *BANG* I rammed my fist against your door, yelling your name. "Alvin!" My fist hit the wood again, your neighbor cracking his door open. I heard rumbling. You must be telling her you'd be right back. You opened the door with a smile, the look faltering as you realized. "Where. Were. You." My words were colder than I had anticipated. Your hand reached out, softly grabbing onto my arm and pulling me in. I wanted you to pull me against you, but I pull away.
"Brittany?" You know why I'm mad. Partly. I would never share the fact that I was mad over the girl I later found out to be your teammate's girlfriend. "Where were you, Alvin?" You flinched at the ice in my words. "I… I fell asleep… I've been exhausted." That would have been enough for me, but I was cold. Wet. And angry. "You missed my routine…" I saw the guilt on your face immediately. I don't know why I wanted you to feel my pain. I felt the tears begin to fall, my breathing a bit shaky as my voice increased in volume. "You… We won and you weren't there to see it. My ride? I walked in the rain, Alvin. I didn't have a coat or an umbrella!" None of this was your fault, but I didn't care. You didn't yell back. I loved your softness. I wanted to melt into you, feel what it felt like to have you as close as possible.
You pulled me in. An unexpected gesture I was too surprised by to fight. My head rested against your chest as I cried. I was tired. Your heart was steady, I could fall asleep to that sound on repeat. It quickened as I buried my face in your chest, a small victory I would never share. You apologized more times than needed, once was enough.
"Another drink, Britt?" You drunkenly slurred at me. I giggled, hiccuping as I turned it down. It was New Year's Eve and we were spending it at a hotel owned by a friend's father. We probably drank too much, me vodka and you tequila. Alcohols that suited us. The others left to dance, but I was too busy wanting you to myself to join them. I looked at you, your eyes meeting mine. "What?" You said playfully. Oh no. You gave me the look that made me weak in my knees when I was sober. Drunk me couldn't resist. "I'm sleepy, Alvin…" I smirked at you. I wasn't sleepy. You were silent, squinting at me to see if you heard right.
We were in the elevator, my lips already on yours. I raked my fingers through your hair as we sloppily made our way down the hall, laughing into the kisses we exchanged. I fumbled in my purse for your room key, joking that I wouldn't be using mine. I opened your door, grabbing your shirt collar to tug you in with me. You cupped my face. My heart melted. My body was hungry for yours, a craving I've had for years. Your hands lifted me, carrying me to the bed.
You leaned over me. "You good?" I could have died right there. I swam in your blue eyes, hoping to drown. I found your lips. "I'm great." But I was better than great. You fit into me like a missing puzzle piece. My nimble fingers unbuttoned your dress shirt, finally brushing the skin I would call home. I replayed the times I've thought of this in my mind as you slipped my top off, your hands on my thighs. My back arched into you, wanting to feel the closeness of your body as your hands explored mine. I breathed your name again and again. My favorite word. "I love you…" I whispered as you looked down on me, words that have been stuck in my throat for years. "I love you too…" You told me. The cloudiness of the alcohol faded. Those words from your mouth could always sober me up.
Mistletoe. It became our new favorite tradition. Jeanette and Eleanor were giddy that night and I was confused. We received gifts from our friends but all I wanted was you. We stood in the doorway, giggling as I kissed your cheek. "Brittany…" I raised an eyebrow, wanting you to say my name again. Something was different. I felt your nerves, heightening my own. Jeanette and Eleanor peaked around the corner, cameras in their hands. I swallowed, fiddling with my thumbs before smiling up at you. Sweat was on your brow. You were always so bad at hiding your nerves. "Yes, Alvin?" I leaned in, expecting a kiss. You moved down. One knee. You were on one knee in front of me asking for my hand. In predictable Brittany fashion, I dramatically cried. I would say yes to you a million times. I leaned down, wanting to seal the deal with a kiss. A million kisses.
And here I am, writing back to you with hopefully as much love as you had put into your words. Alvin, my love, I miss you everyday. I miss the kisses and hugs, I miss being woken up at 2:30 in the morning as you got up to fix the rug in the hall. A weird OCD habit you developed from me. I miss the way my arms wrapped perfectly around your neck, how your height complimented my lack of. I miss the way you said my name when you were frustrated, happy, in the mood. I miss being able to miss you and expect you're return. Oh my love, how I wish we grew more petals, but I'm happy you aren't here to see them fall.