One day after For the Republic: Part 1
There is no emotion; there is peace...There is no passion; there is serenity. She'd been meditating, repeating the Jedi code, since leaving the refresher. The cold stone floor and spartan positioning of her body had left her numb and Serena reeled with vertigo when trying to stand. How many hours had she been there, naked on the floor, punishing herself for losing control? Draining the...the taint of the need ignited by Galen's...Galen's own need for her. It wasn't lust or one of its many variations. It was a hunger for knowledge: of her, of every facet and alcove, every niche and edge. And she had felt it, too; sweeping through her and pulling her closer and closer to him. Even still, she felt compelled to seek him out and answer it.
Sweet Force, what am I going to do? Even with her mind in its proper neutral state, she knew she wouldn't trust herself around him alone. She needed to speak to Zana, tell her exactly what had happened. After so many hours of mental cleansing and emptying, he was still on her mind and a tendril of unease was snaking through her brain, around her carefully placed protections, settling in for a long gestation. She slipped into a robe, left her own chamber, and gently tapped on Zana's door. After a moment's delay, it opened, barely a crack.
"What's going on, Serena? You look like death--"
"I need to talk. Now. Tell Tren to come back later." Zana blushed slightly, but nodded in accession. The door closed. Serena waited the amount of time she estimated it would take a man to pull on his trousers and robes, and then Tren opened the door.
"Um, hi, Serena." Serena grunted a greeting, set on discussing things with Zana and not getting distracted by his antics. She passed through the door, locked it, and sat on the edge of Zana's bunk. Her friend was apparently in the refresher. As she waited in silence, Serena thought about the relationship between her teammates. Surely our masters must be aware of what they're doing. How could they not? More than once, Zana's feelings about Tren had boiled over and been picked up by Serena: her joy, her release. And the jealousy that had surfaced in Serena's mind was reminder enough as to why Jedi weren't supposed to form personal attachments. Jealousy was the temptation of the dark side, deep within her, wanting to be set free. It was the darkness each Jedi faced within themselves, in all its varied guises.
Serena found herself doubting that, now; wondering if Zana's way was a happier path with less temptation and guilt.
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"So, what's so urgent?" When Zana exited the refresher, the look on Serena's face had chilled her. It wasn't her normal contemplative Jedi mask, but a scowl, deeply creasing her features. Her skin was pale and drawn and she looked nearly faint, but in a trance. "Serena, what have you eaten, since we were in the cafe?"
"I haven't."
"Why not?!"
"That guy, Galen...We went to the training room to practice for a while." For half the evening, until neither could lift their lightsaber and they were too exhausted to acknowledge what... "Look, I need to talk to you, Zana. About, um, you and Tren." She was losing her nerve.
"Serena, please, let's not start now."
"You don't understand. Come here." Zana walked over to the bunk and sat next to her friend.
"What's wrong? You're not acting like yourself. Did something happen?" Serena felt the tears start to fall as she realized how ludicrous the whole thing was. Zana took this for confirmation, "Did Galen do something to you? I could get Tren to speak to him--maybe convince him to go out on the plains and get lost in a cave for a few days?" Serena shook her head, no. Force! I'm a Jedi Knight, not a youngling. It was like the time before the Jedi came for her, when her parents were dead and Serena was lost, so lost. She felt lost, now.
"Zana, I have a confession to make. Something I never realized, but I do now, and I want to apologize. All of the times I have tried to turn you away from...your flagrant openness with all people, the way you allow yourself to tangle into their lives and they seem to love you for it…I'm sorry. I never knew what you felt, how hard those feelings might be to turn from and…and I overestimated your control over the situation. How do you do it? I was sitting here thinking, while I waited for you, and I realized I'm jealous: of you and Tren, of you and Kavar—" Zana blushed slightly but held her tongue. "—of your ability to be with people, to share things with others and have them reciprocate. Sometimes I wonder if I can connect with others anymore. My barriers...but last night, with Galen--" Zana was listening, poised on the edge of the bunk. "--Zana, I felt it. His desire...mine. The rush of it through my veins and the emptiness left behind in its wake when it died, unfulfilled." Serena grabbed Zana's nearest hand, seeking strength in the presence of her friend, and fell silent. She was trembling.
Zana squeezed the hand, recognizing the desperation in that act. For all of their friendship, Serena Revan wasn't one to reach out to others for support, and now that she was, Zana wasn't going to be the one to turn her away. "Serena?"
"Help me cleanse it from my mind. As we've done with your mind, help me rebuild my barriers. Please? I can't see him again if I'm unprepared to face this head-on and defeat it. And you know I must face it eventually." Serena forced a grin. "Besides, staying in my room for all eternity isn't the answer." She was trying to lighten the mood, so Zana indulged her with a small smile.
The two sat on the floor, cold stone chilling them through their robes, knees together, and hand-in-hand. They cleared their minds and began building the walls. As they worked, Zana felt the need to ask, "You won't regret this, will you? My own mental blocks fall with my will, but your will is unmatched. Once this is done, do you think it can be undone?"
"I don't want it to be undone. I'll be damned if I'm going to lose control like that again." They built walls into the night, and retired to bed as the first rays of the yellow Dantooine sun filtered into the chamber.
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Pacing the room was doing him no good at all. He strode out onto the plains, to clear his head and make sense of his thoughts.
Until he'd met Serena, Galen had been content: a proper Jedi with proper thoughts and a proper sense of distance from those around him. Today, the stories and histories of the Jedi archive held no truth for him. Food was ash in his mouth. And his mind...it wouldn't be still. He was supposed to be preparing for his appointment to the archives on Coruscant; instead, he closed his eyes and relived the sparring match with Serena. She blocked his every jab and out-maneuvered his most cunning ploys. Her toned muscles tense and flex with measured precision. She moved like a machine, never second guessing or hesitating; fully committed to every feint and parry.
When they could no longer fight, they simply bowed to one another in the traditional fashion and walked away in opposite directions. Not a word had been spoken since they left the cafe, and all desire had died to a dull ember of denial after the strenuous battle. Meditation was the proper course, but it only agitated him and his nerves were wearing thin.
I will go to cafe, eat, and return to my chamber. If I see her, I will ignore her. It was more of a hope than a plan. He began walking back to the cafe, chanting the Jedi Code and considering each line as he spoke it.