Author's Note: Well, the people have spoken, and apparently they want more butchering of the beloved Blood + series. So who am I to refuse? Here's the next of the bunch. I'll have to say I'll update about every two weeks, but I'll probably update about once a week, if I'm lucky and have the time. Two weeks is just my safety, since the school year is starting to wind down and I'll have more assignments from my professors. I'm glad that you all like this series! Thanks! Review, please!
Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +.
Blood -
Episode 2
Magical Incantation
"Alright," the strange man said once he pulled away from Saya. "Now I can explain to the audience about the Hitomi jokes." He arose and faced the camera. "You see, Hitomi Kanzaki, from the anime 'Escaflowne', is a young girl on the track team who is plagued by horribly violent visions, and-"
"We don't have time for that!" Saya interrupted, shoving him aside. "Kai is in trouble!"
Indeed, he was. The chiropteran had turned from Saya and the mysterious stranger and was closing in on the normal human brother with absolutely no super powers and therefore no chance of surviving an attack, roaring hungrily. It raised its arm to strike at Kai, who screamed like a girl scout and flinched away. After several long seconds of tense waiting, he cracked open an eye and peeked at the monster.
"Psych! Ha ha!" The chiropteran chuckled cruelly. "You really thought I was going to mercilessly disembowel you and eat your innards! You shoulda seen the look on your face! You just got punk'd!" Kai gaped at the monster for a moment, then whipped his flashlight at its head.
"That wasn't funny!"
"Saya, that monster…" the strange man whispered in her ear, "…just called you…flat-chest."
"WHAT?!" Saya roared, enraged. Her eyes immediately turned blood red and she snatched the sword from the strange man's grasp. "I'll have you know my bust-size is average! Average!"
"Oh, eff." The chiropteran had noticed Saya's rage and knew it had about ten more seconds to live. Oh, the irony.
"I haven't been taking Tai-bo classes for nothing!" Saya hissed, unsheathing the blade. "Thanks, Billy Blanks!" Slicing a finger on the blade's razor edge, she charged the creature and began shearing through it with one long, immensely drawn-out swing. "Haaaaa- hey, you're pretty fat, huh? Yaaaaaaah!" Finally she cut through the entire creature, sending the top half flying while the bottom half stood there stupidly, like it didn't have a head or something. Oh, yeah, wait. It doesn't. Never mind.
Blood spurted up in a geyser for the severed torso of the monster, drenching Saya in the crimson liquid.
"Well, that's lovely," she growled in disgust.
"I have to say," the stranger commented, "all that red blood really brings out the highlights in your hair, and makes your pale skin stand out beautifully!"
"Will you tell me who you are already?!" Saya demanded. At her feet, the top half of the chiropteran crystallized, becoming hard and brittle, like, well, crystals.
"Hey, Saya," Kai said as he ran up to her side, "just wanted to say that I totally could have taken care of that thing if I wanted to, and- why do you look like you've committed double homicide?"
"Why do you think?!" Saya retorted. "I'm the main character, of course I'm covered in blood after the first episode! It's like a-"
"Yeah, yeah, a requirement," Kai interrupted impatiently. "Now let's go home."
"Alright," Saya sighed, then glanced at the strange man. "Heel, boy!"
"Woof, woof!" The stranger panted and trotted to Saya's side like a faithful puppy. Suddenly, the churning of helicopter blades could be heard, and a searchlight swept over the windows.
"Oh, bleeps!" Kai cursed, ducking out of the beam's way. "It's the cops! You guys gotta hide me! I got warrants!" He dashed off down the hall, and Saya, after rolling her eyes, followed soon after with the stranger.
Once the main characters had beat a hasty retreat, the helicopter hovered over the school grounds and dropped off several soldiers in SWAT uniforms, who snuck into the building toting firearms. They peeked into every classroom, glancing around for anything suspicious.
"Ha, ha!" One soldier chuckled as he glanced at a paper. "This kid got a D! What a dumbass!"
"Get back to work, Johnson!" The superior of the group snapped.
"Yes, sir." The solider put down Kai's paper and went back to scouting the area.
-Elsewhere-
"A school?" The Frenchman asked, raising his French eyebrow. "Vhat vould Zherry want to go to a school for, he's a mouse!"
"Maybe it wanted to learn long division- I don't know!" The important-looking General scowled. Once again the two important-looking men were having an important-sounding conversation. "We just know the 'mouse' is there, and we're looking for it now."
"Sir, the 'mouse' is dead," a soldier reported over the radio. The SWAT team had found the crystallized chiropteran in the science lab. The Frenchman gasped, eyes widening and filling with tears.
"Zherry?" He whispered. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
"They don't pay me enough for this…" The important-looking General sighed, rubbing his temples.
A short ways from the school, Saya, Kai, and the strange man were on their way home. Halfway there, Saya fainted for no apparent reason, and the stranger mysteriously disappeared, leaving Kai having to haul her ass the rest of the way home by himself.
"Gaah! So…damn…heavy!" Kai gasped, heaving Saya into his arms and staggering down the street.
"Hmm…I don't know why…" Saya thought as she dreamed, "but I think I'll kick Kai's butt when I wake up…"
-Later, at the Hospital-
Saya lay, safe and sound, in a white hospital bed, Kai sitting on a stool at her side, and Julia rummaging around with a few doctory things in the background.
"Kai," Julia asked, turning around, "how does my chest look with this new push-up bra?"
"Um, big?"
"Hey, Julia!" George banged open the nearby door and barged in, a parcel in his hand. "You corrupting my innocent children with your socially indecent clothing again? Of course you are!" He went on before she could answer. "How's Saya?"
"She's fine," Kai answered from his seat. "She's asleep now, and- is that a hickey on your neck?"
"What? No!" George quickly clapped a hand over the mark on his neck and looked flustered. "You should be grateful that I get food on the table, boy, and not question how it gets there!" Kai made a face and smartly chose to shut up.
"He carried Saya in," Julia told George, "who was soaked in blood!"
"Really?!" George gasped, eyes alight with interest. "You…you mean daddy's little girl finally killed someone today?! I'm so…proud!" He leapt toward Saya and hugged her unconscious body. "Who's a good main character? You are! You are!"
"Dad, stop it!" Kai shouted.
"I'll dispose of her uniform," Julia said with an air of disgust, picking up Saya's blood-drenched clothes with only her thumb and forefinger.
"You kiddin' me?!" George snatched the clothes away, hugging them tightly against his body. "We're mountin' this bitch on the wall! And there'll be a gold plaque under it that says, "Saya, my precious daughter who slaughtered someone!". Ooh, just wait until I tell the guys at work! They'll be so jealous!"
"You need help, dad…" Kai sighed. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to beat my head against the wall because of my shameful uselessness."
"Alright, have fun!" George waved him away. "It won't make you any dumber, anyway!"
-The Next Day-
Riku stood at the stove, a pink, flowery apron wrapped around his front and a spatula in his hands, in the middle of cooking breakfast. Or planning world domination. You never know with that kid. Suddenly Kai burst into the room, a red fire extinguisher clutched in his hands.
"Oh, GOD! What's burning?!" He demanded, pointing the nozzle straight at Riku. "I'll save you, Riku!"
"Kai, d-" Riku started to protest before Kai hit the switch and sprayed him and the stove with white cream. "…Everything was fine, Kai."
"Oh, well." Kai shrugged and dropped the extinguisher. "With your cooking, it'll be an improvement. You can always say it's whipped cream. Now let's see what's on the tube." He snatched up the remote and flicked the television on. A female reporter stood before their school, obviously giving a…report of some kind.
"Last night," the reporter reported, "an assailant, named Pat Mah' Groin, was arrested at the school." The picture of a poorly-drawn stick-figure man appeared on screen, supposedly meant to be this Mah' Groin character.
"What?!" Kai barked, outraged. "That doesn't even look anything like the hairless gorilla monster I saw last night! Who are they trying to fool?"
"The assailant broke into the school late last night," the reporter went on, "killed one of the teachers, and…ate him. Alive." She paused. "They…they do that sometimes. It's perfectly believable."
"Wow…that's serious," Riku commented. "What do you think, Kai?" He looked at his brother.
"I bet school will be canceled!" Kai said with excitement. "Sweeet!"
"Get to school, Kai!" Riku said firmly.
"You suck!"
-Later, at the School-
Kai stood before the school, glaring at the building of learning. School SO should have been canceled, I mean, someone died in it the night before! Didn't that violate some sort of health code or something? It certainly seemed to constitute-
Suddenly arms shot out of nowhere, wrapping around his neck like a boa constrictor suffocating its prey.
"Aaaaugh! Hi-yaaaah!" Kai let his instincts kick in and grabbed the offending arms, twisting the attacker up, over his head and slamming them into the pavement in front of him.
"Gyaaagh! What the hell are you doing, Kai?!" An attractive young girl in school uniform gasped out.
"Oh, it's just you," Kai muttered, then glanced at the camera. "This is my crazy psycho girlfriend, Mao."
"Aren't you sorry?!" Mao demanded from the ground.
"…No, not really," Kai answered truthfully.
"Remind me why I go out with you!" Mao growled, picking herself up from the crater she'd created and dusting her skirt off.
"Hell, I don't know," Kai grunted. "Why DO you go out with me?" He turned on his heel and walked away.
"Get back here!" Mao snarled, storming after him.
-Elsewhere-
Back with Frenchie, his precious 'mouse', Jerry, was on a lab table, surrounded by scientists with pointy objects who obviously wanted to cut him up good.
"Oh, I can't look!" The Frenchman sobbed, averting his eyes. "Ve ave to urry and find zhe ozher mousie, or my new treadmill vill be useless!" He glared at the camera. "I vill find whoevah did zhis to Zherry, and I vill make zhem PAY!"
-Back at the Hospital-
Saya slowly opened her eyes and blinked. The first thing she was her father's face, not an inch from hers.
"Surprise!" George yelled.
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaugh!" Saya threw herself backwards and fell off the bed. "Dad?! What's going on?"
"How's my lil' murderer doin'?" George asked sweetly. "Here's some treats to stave off the blood lust!" He held out the parcel, which was full with many different kinds of junk food.
"Yay!" Saya happily accepted the present, tearing the packages open and getting' down to business. A knock came from the door, and David peeked in. He blinked in confusion and studied Saya as she ate.
"Is that what 'eating' is?" He asked after a moment. "I've…never seen it before."
"Yeah, no kidding," George grunted, looking David's skeletal frame up and down.
"We need to talk," David said firmly, looking George in the eye.
"Well, gee, I didn't know we had such a deep relationship-" George began to say before David growled and dragged him through the door.
-With Kai-
Mao was still annoying Kai with her unending chatter, and he was five seconds away from smackin' a bitch.
"And so then I told that whore she could take her baby daddy, and-" Mao stopped talking and stared at Kai. "Hey, you aren't even listening!"
"Of course I'm not," Kai replied. "As a matter of fact, why the hell am I even here? Later." He hopped onto his crappy motorcycle and took off.
"Kai, you a-hole!" Mao shouted after him. "I'm only gonna give you thirty-eight more chances!"
-Aaaand Back to the Hospital Again-
"So, you found out who Saya killed?" George asked with interest, leaning closer to David. "Oh, goodie! Tell me, tell me!"
"She killed a chiropteran," David said, "so it doesn't count as killing someone."
"Awww!" George's face fell and he punched his leg. "Dammit!"
Upstairs, Saya had finished off the last of the junk food and gotten out of bed to change back into normal clothes. The funny robe thing with the open back had been waaay to revealing for her liking. Once dressed, she glanced at her reflection in the mirror and smiled.
"Whoo! I am hot! Tsss!" She licked her finger and tapped her hip. Suddenly horrific, bloody visions of the previous night sprang to her mind, and when she looked down at her hands, they were covered in red liquid. "Aww, man!" Saya complained. "I got ketchup all over me from the French-fries! Daaaaddy!" She went silent, and cocked her head, as if listening to someone. "Huh, what's that?" She asked. "Go downstairs and eavesdrop on their conversation? Well, alright!" She skipped out of the room and down the stairs, where she peeked around the corner and saw her father and David conversing in the lobby.
"You don't want to give her up because you have feelings for her!" David growled.
"It's no surprise!" George shot back. "My dog had just died, and I needed something to pet and feed! Saya's my daughter, and I won't let you take her!"
"She's a main character," David argued, "which means she'll soon leave this place and go on a journey to fight a terrible and unseen evil for the good of all mankind! You know that!"
"No! I still won't let you take her away!" George crossed his arms and looked stubborn.
"…I'll throw in fifty bucks," David said after a moment.
"…Cash?"
"Cash." David nodded. "And a coupon for Walmart, as well."
"Oh, alright!" George threw his arms up in defeat. "I'll talk to her." David, now satisfied, stood up and left, leaving George to also stand and wander over to the stairway. His eyes caught a half-open door, as well as a sign which read, 'So totally not the way Saya went after overhearing your conversation!'. "Oh, shiz-nit!"
"What's wrong, dad?" Kai asked, coming into the hospital through the front door.
"Kai!" George spun around and grabbed hold of his son. "Saya's gone! You have to help me find her!"
"Alright." Kai shrugged and flipped open his phone, dialing home.
"Hello?" Riku asked, answering the phone. "No, Saya isn't here, but I cooked you some-"
Click!
"Saya's not there," Kai sighed, snapping his phone closed. "But I think I might know where she went…"
"Kai," George said firmly, "she's NOT at the strip club."
"I wasn't-" Kai sputtered.
"Or the arcade."
"I didn't think-"
"And not at the Pizzaria, either!" George finished.
"Okay, fine!" Kai growled in frustration. "I'll go check at the beach! Geez!"
-At the Beach-
Saya, indeed, was not at the strip club, arcade, or Pizzaria, but at the beach. She huddled on the soft sand as the sun sank into the horizon. A little girl ran behind her, giggling and laughing.
"Shut up!" Saya snapped at her. "You're ruining my brooding moment of inner turmoil! Ya dumb brat!"
"Daaaaaddy!" The little girl ran sobbing to her father, who glanced at Saya and muttered something about how moody main characters were these days.
"Stupid people with no names…" Saya growled, turning back to stare at the ocean. Suddenly, she began hearing "Superstitious", by Stevie Wonder, being played on a cello. Why, it was the strange cello-man from the night before! He sat on some steps behind Saya, playing the song to ease her weary mind.
"There is superstitious…" Saya sang along, "…writin' on the wall…" She stood up after a moment and approached the strange young man. "Hey, you know me, right? Please, tell me about my past! Everything!"
"Oh, don't worry about your past. I have a feeling we have a long time before we get into any of that." The stranger stared at the camera meaningfully. "About fifty more episodes, I'd say."
"Crap, really?" Saya sighed. "You couldn't just give me, you know, a hint?"
"Well…" The stranger paused in his playing and looked thoughtful. "Okay, I'll give you one. The truth it, you're really-"
"Stoooooooooooooop!" Kai came barreling down the road on his motorcycle at top speed, then lost control and nearly hit Saya with the bike as he went flying off it. "Get…away…from my sister!" He growled, staggering to his feet and glaring at the stranger.
"Dammit, Kai! You ruined it!" Saya cried. "He was going to tell me everything!"
"You're the main character!" Kai shot back. "You should wait to hear the answers! Now it's time for an ass-whuppin'!" He hurled himself at the stranger, and the beat-down of a lifetime ensued.
…Of Kai.
"Oww!" Kai gurgled, clutching his bloody nose and twitching on the ground. "I'll…press charges!"
"Stop it!" Saya intervened, shielding Kai with her body. "Kai's a weakling! A child could beat him!" She turned and kneeled down next to her brother. "Are you alright, Kai?" She glared up at the man again. "You didn't have to be so- huh?" Saya blinked. The man was gone. How did he…?
"Hey, he stole my bike!"
-Later-
Saya and Kai sat side-by-side in the cool evening breeze, listening to the crash of the ocean waves and gazing at the sparkling stars.
"What's happening to me?" Saya asked softly, hugging her knees. "Why is my body changing like this?"
"It's called puberty, Saya," Kai said matter-of-factly. "Strange and wonderful things are happening to your body."
"Shut up!" Saya snapped. "Be serious!"
"Alright, listen," Kai sighed and stood up, staring out at the night sky. "You're my sister, and…I'll always be by your side, okay? We're…family."
"Kai…" Saya was at a loss for words.
"Here's a magical incantation you can say when things start going bad," Kai suggested, turning back to her. "Just say, 'Shit happens', alright?"
"…Shit happens…" Saya said slowly, then smiled. "I like it! Thanks, Kai!" The two shared a moment of sibling affection in the soft night breeze.
Whee-oooop!
The same police cruiser from before rolled to a stop a few feet from them, and the officer popped open the door and sauntered over.
"Alright, I'm ticketing you two this time," he said dangerously.
"Great, what did we do now?" Kai groaned.
"You kiddin' me?" The officer raised his eyebrows over his dark shades. "Moonlit night? A secluded beach? A heart-to-heart talk?" He gave Saya and Kai dubious looks. "You two are brother and sister, here. Don't push it." He quickly wrote the ticket and slapped it onto Kai's forehead, then got back into his car and roared away, spitting up furrows of sand.
"…Was he insinuating…?" Saya began.
"It's best we end the scene here, Saya," Kai said firmly.
-Elsewhere-
David sat in his car, staring with disturbing intensity at an old, black and white photograph of a young girl and man. Why, they looked almost exactly like Saya and the cello-stranger! But how could that be? There was a knock on the window, and David looked up to see a large black man with sunglasses standing next to his car. He cautiously opened the window a crack and stared at the man.
"…I don't have any quarters," he said finally.
"I work for you." The black man stated. "Louis, remember?"
"Oh. OH!" David quickly rolled the window down the rest of the way. "What's the news?"
"There's another 'mouse' still on the loose," Louis reported. "We have to find it before the military does."
"Alright, hop in." David motioned for Louis to get in the car. What happened next was about five minutes of Louis attempting to open the door while David simultaneously tried to unlock it for him. "Don't…wait…stop it…let me just…DON'T TOUCH THE BLEEPING HANDLE!!! GET AWAY FROM THE CAR, AND LET ME UNLOCK IT!"
-At Home-
"Hey, Saya!" George cried happily as his daughter and son came through the front door. "Eat up!" On the table was a feast, cooked just for her!
"Wow, thanks I-" Saya screeched to a halt and eyed the food. "Uh, Riku didn't cook any of this, did he?"
"Nope, it was all me!" George said proudly, while Riku, tied to one of the dining table's chairs, glared at him. The phone rang, and George quickly answered it. "Hey, boo! You miss me?"
"What's your favorite scary movie?" A sinister voice asked from the other end of the line.
"The one where I find out who you are and kick your ass," George answered, then slammed the phone back onto the hook. "Wrong number! Let's eat!"
Far away, a man huddled in a phone booth, eyes wide and bloodshot, body quaking under a robe. I would say he's a crack-head, but the whole 'monster-hands' kinda throws it off. The weirdo reached forward and killed a dog for some reason.
"Hey!" An ASPCA member barked, banging on the glass of the telephone booth. "That is animal cruelty, and I can have you-"
Glare!
"Never mind!" The ASPCA member quickly backed off and dashed away. "See you next time, everyone!"
-Episode 2 End-
Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +.
Author's Note: Whew! That was fun! Sorry, but the next update will probably be in two weeks. I was an idiot and forgot the power cord for my own computer, so I have to use my sister's crappy one, plus an eight-page paper is due soon in my English class. I'll try to see what I can do, though. Thanks for reading, and review, please! Bye!