Sara checks her hair in a small compact, twisting the thin strands of bangs from her eyes. She runs her hand through the short layers sticking close to her scalp. She still wasn't used to the missing length- she was sure had she worn a larger shirt she could pass for (at best) a feminine male. This comforted her during the take off turbulence, and the thought was heavy on her mind throughout the flight. She knew a transgendered man, his name was Lucas it was now that Sara figured out the intense attraction he lured her with seemed to be nothing more than admiration and jealousy steaming from her inner-demons. But for what, was something she couldn't quite put a finger on.
She sighs and leans back in her seat, watching intently as the Vancouver skyline came into view through her coach seat window. She squirms uncomfortably, her decision to wear men's boxers an instant regret. "How the fuck does Tegan do this?" she whispers under her breath, earning a glance from the middle aged mother beside her. Sara simply smiles and returns her gaze out the window.
"Hello passengers, this is your pilot speaking. We'll be arriving in in Vancouver in roughly five minutes." Sara's heart starts to skip beats. The moments fading away from this are a blur, Sara's mind can hardly comprehend any of the surroundings leading up to Tegan's glowing smile at the concession stands. Sara grasps tightly onto her suitcase, trying her best not to break out into a full sprint. She stops speechless before Tegan.
"Sara," she whispers, her eyes tracing where Sara's long locks used to fall, "You look great." She blushes.
"Yo-you're not so bad your self."Tegan grins, shrugging Sara's playful sarcasm off.
"You're a real comedian. How was your trip? There's a cab outside waiting for us. We can drop your bags off the apartment, I haven't prepared anything. I was thinking I could ta- uh, rather we could go for lunch somewhere. If you're not too tired."
"I'd love that! Well, I mean, it would be nice. I haven't eaten much this morning." This was a lie, but it didn't matter. Sara hadn't eaten for the passed week.
Tegan smile and nods. "Great. Well, this way then."
Sara had always been enthralled with Vancouver. In love with the idea of the ocean, a land mass with so much metaphor that could be found no more than 40 feet from Tegan's downtown apartment. On some nights when she would visit, it wasn't a rare occurrence for Tegan to awake in the middle of the night and find her peculiar twin staring deep into the dark water, trapped in a world of her head.
This wasn't to mention the breath taking skyline of sky scrapers and mountains hanging with desperation on to the horizon. Sara sighs in content, feeling 'at home' for the first time in months. "So how's work?" Tegan asks, cutting the silence. Sara shrugs, tracing lines on the window's condensation.
"It's been, workly," She forces out a laugh, "I got an assistant as part of my promotion. She's a 'real' ball of fun. She dropped out of college in Saskatchewan and ran to Montreal with the little money she had. At first I thought she was a total idiot, before I realized I had done the same." Tegan taps her playfully on the shoulder.
"You didn't have to leave Vancouver, you know." Sara shrugs, Tegan knew full well why she had. She didn't blame her for it either. Still, it hurt her knowing her sisters was 1000 of miles away, especially when she would flee to the California coast with the girl she was trying to convince herself she still loved. "C'est la vie, I suppose. You're always welcome back." Sara smiles.
"Thanks, Teetee."
It's an hour before they find themselves seated at an out door cafe. Tegan had chosen a place not far from her home, it was lovely. There were four or so other people at tables in the front. Sara stuck her fork repeatedly into her salad, having no intention to eat it, or anything else served to her. Food held no appeal to Sara, in fact it disgusted her. She felt fine with the few calories coffee supplied her. She couldn't complain about the ambiguous figure she was creating as her curves slowly sculpted to nothing.
Tegan sips on her soup, grinning as her eyes meet with Sara. She looks away, I have to keep strong through this. She silently reminds herself, looking at young couple walking by. "Do you not like your salad, Sara?" She shrugs, forcing herself to swallow a piece.
"No, it's great, Tegan. Thanks." Tegan watches Sara as she goes back to playing with the leaves, repressing the ever increasing beating of her heart. Her face feels warm, burning with blush. Every so often her foot would graze across Sara's shin, her hand 'accidentally' making it's way on top of Sara's. Tegan couldn't figure out why she was doing it, or why she felt so comfortable with the subtly flattery.
Public affection was always a strange thing for Tegan. She could always proudly hold her girl in public, she was even bold enough to sneak in a kiss here and there when the moment became right. But this didn't meant she was entirely comfortable with it, it always left her with an uncertain taste in her mouth. At this moment she felt calm and collected, had Sara been her girlfriend, she was sure she would have leaned across the table and placed a soft touch to her lips, without second thought about what the people watching had to say.
By now her apatite is gone, the soup nothing but a steaming mess of repulsion. She sighs and leans back in her chair. Sara looks up at her and smiles. "Finished?" Tegan nods, "I think I am, too. Call the waiter, I'll pay for lunch Teetee." Tegan can't help but feel flattered, the consistency of pet names for each other felt like a blessing.
What's happening to you? You've gone over this, Tegan, Stop. You have not the time nor mental stability for this. You're smarter than that. "No, no, I've got it. You already payed flight fare." She places 40$ over the leather bill case, slipping the dinner mints in her pocket. "I was thinking I could show you around downtown. I mean, I know you've seen Vancouver a billion and two times," She's fumbling over her words, "But that was by taxi and buses. I was thinking we could maybe walk. I can take you to some great shops."
Tegan knew Sara wasn't a fan of in-store shopping, but she couldn't stop the aching in her stomach without proudly parading this girl around the city, shopping seemed the only way to do so. Sara wasn't much to objection, as long as she was Tegan she could care less the way the time was spent. So the two girls worked much of the afternoon away stopping in and out of shops, discussing all good times they had shared before life had divided them.
Sara was proud with her composure, keeping her facade up without a single scratch. Even when Tegan had stopped to answer a call from Lindsey later that night, Sara had found the strength to concentrate all her thoughts on the reality lurking below her surface. So that night, while she crawled close to Tegan as the two of them watched a made-for-television movie, she couldn't quiet explain the sadness in her heart.
This was more than she expected, wasn't it? She was sure Tegan would never even think about her again, let alone invite her to her apartment for a week. Why was it that no matter how much she convinced herself that her feelings would never be mutual, she still ached for the soft grace of Tegan. Even if it was just once. Sara could live with it just once, she would die happy. In fact, Sara was sure had Tegan blessed her with it just once, Sara would be sure to kill herself under the ever lasting sadness that seemed to plague her heart. Love was a terminal illness, and Sara was prepared to end it all for just once taste of Tegan's chemo.