Craig awoke slowly, stretching his limbs under the warmth of the duvet. For a moment he was wrapped in the blissful ignorance of semi-consciousness and then the memories returned, and the all too familiar wrench of grief tore at his chest. Rubbing at his eyes Craig at least felt rested. He hadn't slept properly, if at all, since he had learned of his mother's death. In fact he hadn't slept well since he first left Chester, but somehow the comfort of John Paul's arms had given him the peace he needed.
Raising himself in the bed Craig noticed he was alone and wondered how long John Paul had been gone. Climbing from the bed Craig pulled on his trousers and, leaving on the t-shirt he had slept in, he went in search of that blue-eyed boy.
John Paul had woken a couple of hours earlier and lain motionless for some time happy to watch Craig sleep. Having Craig in his arms again felt like a dream but John Paul knew it was far from that; if anything it was closer to a nightmare. But as Craig slept, his features relaxed and content and so far removed from the anguished young man of the previous day, John Paul felt himself falling in love all over again. And he wished with every fibre of his being that he wasn't.
Carefully slipping his arm from under Craig's body John Paul crept quietly from his bed and quickly dressed in the first pair of jeans he could find before tiptoeing from the room. Just before he closed his bedroom door John Paul threw a last glance at the sleeping figure in his bed and quickly wiped away the tear that tumbled down his cheek.
"Morning John Paul," Linda chirped happily.
"Morning," John Paul replied less enthusiastically as he took a seat at the kitchen bench that also doubled as a table.
"I heard voices in your room last night," Linda said with a grin.
"It's was Craig…"
"Oh are you and he…?" Linda took a seat next to John Paul and tilted her head to listen.
John Paul smiled. He had been sharing the house with Linda and another friend for around a year now and considered the pretty, chubby blonde a good friend. In fact a few month's earlier they had spent a drunken night in each other's company that had ended in John Paul telling her all about Craig before crying in her arms until he fell asleep. That night had strengthened their friendship and John Paul was grateful for that fact, as he needed someone to confide in right now.
"Nah he just needed a friend," John Paul said with regret.
"You sure that's all it was?"
"That's all it can be…"
"But that's not all you want?"
John Paul sighed and rested his head in his hands. "You know how I feel about Craig but…"
"But?"
"We tried already… and we failed… besides he's only back coz of what happened to his mum… it's not like he came back for me is it Lin? We hadn't even spoken before yesterday…"
Linda covered John Paul's hand with her own. She hated seeing her friend like this. John Paul McQueen was the most sensitive, gentle and genuine man she had ever known and, if the truth were told, she cursed the gods every day that he was gay. Seeing him suffering broke her heart. The last time she had seen that pain in his eyes had been after three bottle of red wine and an outpouring about is doomed relationship with Craig Dean.
"So talk to him eh?" Linda encouraged.
"And say what Lin? Hey Craig, sorry you mum's dead… how about a quickie before you get off back to Dublin." John Paul's voice dripped with sarcasm and Linda snatched back her hand.
"I was only trying to help," she said in a hurt tone.
"I'm sorry," John Paul grabbed Linda's hand, his blue eyes shining with remorse, "I don't know what I'm saying… it's just… Craig… him being here… it messes with my head."
"Seriously John Paul… talk to him… have you ever thought this is just as hard for him… more so even… he's lost his mum and the only person he seems to be able to turn to is you… what does that tell you?"
"I love him Lin," John Paul said with a sigh.
"I know that," Linda replied slipping from her stool and wrapping her arms around John Paul as she leant into his back. "But does he?" Pressing a kiss to John Paul's cheek Linda left the room and left John Paul to think.
---
Craig stood in the doorway of the kitchen silently observing his old friend, his old lover. John Paul was still sat where Linda had left him some time ago and his hands were huddled around a mug of tea.
Craig let his eyes roam over John Paul. That man always raised so many mixed emotions in him. Since leaving for Dublin Craig had loved and hated John Paul in equal measure. And now? And now he just needed him.
John Paul's head snapped around as he felt himself being watched.
"Craig!" John Paul felt a flush rise to his cheeks and he jumped down from his stool, rushing to the kettle to hide it. "Tea?"
"Yeah… great…"
John Paul made himself busy preparing the drink as Linda's words churned around in his head… "talk to him…"
"Look Craig," John Paul turned back into the room and was startled to see Craig stood close behind him.
"John Paul…" Craig was so close John Paul could feel the heat from his breath and it made his heart race. "Thanks for yesterday," Craig carried on, touching a hand to John Paul's arm, "I couldn't have got through it without you…"
"I'm always here for you Craig," John Paul replied watching the hand that gently stroked his arm, "You know that…"
"I miss you." Craig took a step forward.
"Craig don't." John Paul tried to retreat but the kitchen surface prevented him.
"We had something good once…" Craig took another step forward, leaving little room between his body and John Paul's.
"Had Craig… past tense…"
"It doesn't have to be…"
"Craig stop… please… if you don't mean this please stop…"
Craig hesitated. In his head it had seemed so simple. He needed John Paul; he needed the warmth and the comfort of another human body. He needed to feel alive again. What he didn't need was to hurt John Paul or himself any more.
"I'm sorry." Craig's eyes filled with tears as he stepped back.
"It's OK," John Paul reassured him, "It's just the grief, I understand… really I do."
John Paul pulled Craig into his arms and held him close as Craig's body shook with fresh sobs.
"Everything will be OK," John Paul whispered into the weeping man's hair, "I promise… everything will be OK."
---
John Paul was curled on the sofa sobbing into his arms when Linda entered the room. She raced to the man's side immediately, kneeling on the floor beside him.
"John Paul, what is it? What's happened?"
"I can't do it Lin… I tried and I can't…"
"John Paul tell me… what?"
John Paul lifted his face from his arms, his eyes were red and blood shot and Linda could tell he had been crying for some time.
"What's happened?" She asked again gently.
"I can't just be his friend… I want to… I want to be able to support him and comfort him and be there for him… really I do… but it hurts too much… it hurts too much…"
"Oh John Paul… you knew this wasn't gonna be easy…"
"But I didn't know it would be this hard," John Paul fought back fresh sobs as he looked at his friend, "Lin he… he…"
"What? Tell me John Paul… please tell me…"
"For a minute… just for a minute he wanted me again… like he used to… and god Lin it felt so good… for that spilt second it was us again like it used to be… and I could have..."
"But you didn't?"
John Paul shook his head. "No… coz it wasn't me he wanted… not really… he just wanted someone… I could have been anyone…"
"I'm sure that's not true…"
"No? So how come he backed off the second I called him on it eh?" John Paul rubbed his hands roughly over his face. "God Lin I'm such a shit…"
"Don't say that John Paul… of course you're not."
"Then what I am eh? My best friend… the best friend I have ever known in my whole life is devastated coz his mum's just died and what am I doing… I'm sat here feeling sorry for myself coz he doesn't want me anymore…"
"John Paul…" Linda slipped her arm around the blonde man's neck and hugged him, "What Craig is going through is awful… we all know that… but it doesn't mean that your feelings stop mattering… it doesn't mean what you feel is any less important…"
"I can't…" John Paul got to his feet, "I've gotta get out of here…"
"You can't leave him here."
"He's exhausted, he's sleeping… tell him… tell him I had something I needed to do…"
"John Paul!"
"I'm sorry Lin… I can't handle it… it's too much… I can't stand how much I still love him… I can't be what he needs… I can't…"
John Paul grabbed his jacket as he raced from the house.
He didn't hear Linda trying to call him back.
He didn't hear his bedroom door quietly close.
He didn't hear the stifled sob coming from his room.
---
Craig hadn't meant to listen in to John Paul's conversation but the voices had invaded his fitful sleep and once he realised what he was listening to he couldn't stop.
With one hand pressed on the cool wood of the doorframe Craig stood listening to the voices from another room.
John Paul's words were heavy, coming between anguished sobs and the girls voice, Linda's voice, rang with sympathy for her friend's pain.
"Oh John Paul…" Craig whispered as John Paul retold their encounter in the kitchen earlier.
John Paul had seemed so strong when he had held Craig earlier, when he had promised everything was going to be OK. Craig hadn't even guessed at the pain that he was hiding. He hadn't realised how hard his being around would be for John Paul. Craig needed a friend and it had seemed obvious that that friend should be John Paul. But they hadn't been just friends for a long time. They hadn't been anything for a long time. Craig realised how selfish he was being by pushing himself back in John Paul's life like this. His grief had clouded his judgement but he could see clearly now. John Paul had given him the strength to see clearly. He had no right to crash back into John Paul's world, to hold him and want him when they both knew it couldn't be. When they both knew that soon Craig would be gone again.
"I can't stand how much I still love him…" John Paul's words cut into Craig's soul. Pushing the bedroom door closed fresh tears fell from Craig's eyes in a hushed sob.
Dropping the t-shirt he had been wearing onto the bed Craig pulled on his shirt from the previous day and, after searching for a pen and paper, he composed a short note to John Paul.
"Dear John Paul
Words cannot say how much it means that you were there for me yesterday. After everything we went through to know that you are still there when I need you most, to know that you would care enough to come when Jake called, I thank you so much for that John Paul, you'll never know how much.
But it's best that I get back to Dublin now, I can't miss too much of my studies and being here, being with you, it's gonna make it harder and harder to go back… that I got into Trinity meant so much to mum, I can't let her down… I won't let her down.
I know I should stay to say goodbye but I can't. The last time we said goodbye was hard and I'm not strong enough to go through that again.
But there is one thing I need you to know. One thing that I need you to understand about this morning.
I still love you John Paul. For every hour of every day since I left Chester I have never stopped loving you. And what I did this morning, you were right, it was born out of grief more than anything, but that need, the need to be held and to be loved, that need was for you… only for you.
You were right to stop me though, whatever we might feel I think we both know that what we had is gone and to put ourselves through it again, to open ourselves up to that again, I don't think either of us need that.
Thank you John Paul, thank you for everything… thank you for caring.
Love always
Craig"
Craig folded the paper and wrote John Paul's name on the front. Taking one last look around the room, he rested the note against the picture of two old school friends and then he walked away.