Dear Granny,
"Shirley" is pregnant! Baby is due on October 23rd. Be sure to come visit. NO, WE DOESN'T WANT GRANNY TO COME, WE HATES GRANNY! We is thinking of naming the baby Harrily Crunchable. What does you think? Sniff, sniff. But Shirley says she doesn't trust us around the baby; she says she is afraid we will eat it. Just because we is sitting in baby's cradle talking about crunchable things is no reason for her to be suspicious. Can we never overcome our cradle robbing past? OF COURSE NOT, YOU STILL LIKES YOUNGER HOBBITS! Not that kind of cradle robbing! Sorry Granny, we has to go, must get ready for our wrestling match.
Love/HATE,
Sméagol
xxx
Hello Sméagol,
We is still hurt that you didn't invite us to the wedding. Did you get our wedding present? It was the unidentifiable blob of sludge and slimy stuff. (It is the 3 week old remains of the dwarf we stabbed with our spectacles and part of an orc arm.) Also, we sent the pink teddy bear with the blue and white ribbon around its neck. It is for Harrily Crunchable. Have "Shirley" eat it, and then it will get to the baby before it is born. Please try not to eat the bear; the unidentifiable sludge is for you. We cannot believe Shirley doesn't trust you; perhaps you should divorce her. No, that would be bad, because then you won't have easy access to a cradle (and what won't be inside it any more). Hey, we has a great idea! You and Shirley can be like Sam and Rosie and have 13 kids (except that they will keep on mysteriously disappearing, especially when Granny comes to visit. Ha ha, you already told us when the baby is due so we will be there 2 weeks early!) Just do not name any of your kids Goldilocks. We's got to go Sméagol. We will be there on Oct. 23!
"Love"(aka hate) Granny (we is still very upset that we doesn't' have a name)
P.S. Exactly how much taller than you is "Shirley"?
xxx
Dear Granny,
You KNOWS we hates dwarves. Nasssty dwarves hits precious with axe in RivenDELL. We knows. We was watching while pretending to be a lawn ornament. Sneak? Us? Noooooo. Granny, we thinks that you doesn't know anything about orcses. It only takes them 2 weeks to be born. How else does you think Saruman could build an army so fast? So you won't have time to visit before it is born. HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! (Except we made that up so you wouldn't come.) NO WE DIDN"T! Yes we did. NO WE DIDN'T!
-"Sméagol"
xxx
Dear Granny Daughter of Great-Granny,
How is you doing? We is doing good. Baby was born, so "Shirley" made us leave cradle today. Unfortunately, "Shirley" took us to fortress of Barad-Dur because we wouldn't tell her what we wanted to call baby. We was thinking somewhere along the lines of "Big ugly monster that looks nothing like us except for the ears," but we don't think "Shirley" would appreciate that very much. "Shirley" has forced us to watch Flipper 300 times. Will remain strong because we thinks "Shirley" might make us watch re-runs of The Faculty if we tell her that we think baby looks like hideous monster (except for ears, of course).
Will write more later,
Sméagol
P.S. Does you want to know how much taller "Shirley" is than us when we is standing up straight or squatting in darkness?
xxx
Dear Sméagol,
We is just writing to let you know that we has a boyfriend now. Is named "Osama" and seems very nice. Lives in nice cave, too. Have moved in with him, even though have only known him a few days. Met him in anger management class. We went because we figures we needs to work out the aggression that is causing our multiple personalities. Osama was there because of something called "terrorism" which made him blow up some Barad-Dur-like buildings. We thinks maybe "terrorism" is another form of multiple personalities.
NO! After moving into cave with Osama, have discovered that he already has 16 wives. We thinks it would be better to leave him before our pent-up aggression caused us to poke some wives eyes out with our spectacles. Met another nice guy in anger management as well. His name is Saddam. Perhaps will give him a call…
Love,
Granny
P.S. Am now living with Saddam. Also lives in cave, much nicer than Osama's. And has no wives that we have seen so far. Enjoys playing poker, especially of the strip variety. However, is always mumbling about death to world leaders and something about a bush, so we doesn't know if this relationship will work out.
xxx
Dear Granny,
#$$ evil methods of torture refined over the millennia. "Shirley" has switched to Faculty re-runs. Cannot cope, but still doesn't want to insult baby. In fact, we wants to eat the baby, but that's another story. Anyway, we shouted out a random name so that we wouldn't have to watch stupid reruns. The good news is "Shirley" stopped torturing us. Bad news is we now has a son named Shirebaggins. We isn't sure we likes having a son. So far has resisted our attempts to eat him, and enjoys jumping on us (we now has several cracked ribs) and yelling at us to give it horsy rides while kicking us, further injuring our hurt ribs.
Say hello to Deagol for us.
Love, (aka Hate,)
Sméagol
P.S. To restrict my access to Shirebaggins, and thus lessen the possibility of me eating him, "Shirley" has decided to send Shirebaggins to the Little Urak-Hai Daycare Center, located in the old fortress of Barad-Dur. Even though it collapsed in the spiffy shock wave thing at the end of the third movie. Sniff, sniff. Can't believe "Shirley" trusts big ugly things with white hand prints on their faces with our son more than its own father. Well, we supposes like appeals to like. Gasp! Does that mean "Shirley" doesn't find us attractive? Must go ponder this while squatting in darkness stroking the precious.
xxx
Dear Granny,
Here is our own special grandsonship test, to find out how much you REALLY knows about us:
1) Which of these does we love best?
a. Granny
b. Master
c. Fish
d. PRECIOUS!
2) Fill in the blank. "My ! BLAAAAAHHHHHHH!
a. Granny
b. Master
c. Fish
d. PRECIOUS!
3) Which of these does Barney Bombadil look through?
a. Granny
b. Master
c. Fish
d. PRECIOUS!
4) Who does Sméagol fall into Mt. Doom holding?
a. Granny
b. Master
c. Fish
d. PRECIOUS!
5) Which of these did Sméagol have a 500-year affair with until Baggins stole it?
a. Granny
b. Master
c. Fish
d. PRECIOUS!
The answer to every question (except for #1, of course) is d. If you did not get all of these right, we doesn't think you knows us very well AND WE WILL COME TO RIVERFOLKTON OR IRAQ OR RIVENDELL OR WHEREVER YOU IS NOW AND give you a hug because we loves you except not as much as fish.
Love (but not in a fishy way),
SMEAGOL
xxx
Dear Sméagol,
Granny told us where to find you so we is headed to Mount Doom right now. Just for a friendly visit, of course. NO, WE MUST KILL SMEAGOL; HE STRANGLED US FOR THE PRECIOUS. No, we loves good Sméagol. HE STOLE THE PRECIOUS FROM YOU! Anyway, we would appreciate it if you would have some fish fresh from the fish tank ready for us when we gets there. Have realized that there is no way to get this letter to you, as Rivendell is the only mail service that goes to Mount Doom and this letter is written on purple paper. Oh well. We will simply make it into a spy journal as practice for when we becomes spiffy master spy.
Have arrived in Mordor. While hiding behind large rock humming "Mission Impossible" tune to self, we has discovered a strange thing. Many small ugly monster type things with white stuff on their faces are playing with rubble while bigger monster things look on. Curious. If our decaying body had chin hair, we would be stroking it. Ooh, have spotted sign on rock. Reads "Little Urak-Hai Daycare Center". Gah, no! We has been spotted by mini scary monster thing! Has tackled us and is yelling in strange language. Sounds something like "Horsy! Horsy!" Cannot cope. Nobody but strange small Urak-Hai hitting on me.
Oh wait, we spoke too soon. Very pretty Urak-Hai thing has come out of rubble and is peeling small Urak-Hai off of us! Is brunette. We has always been partial to brunettes. As far as we can make out from the noises issuing from her mouth, her name is "Shirley" and small thing is her son "Shirebaggins". Strange names these creations of Sauron come up with, eh? Oooh, "Shirley" being very seductive. Says she wants to elope with us. May have to work our charm that has been turned off since we was drowned and decaying in bottom of river for the past 500 years.
Writing in spy journal very difficult while engaged in violent (and we does mean violent in its most literal sense) make out session with orc. Will write more later.
Love/HATE,
Deagol
xxx
Dear Granny,
NO! Nassssssssty Deagol has stolen "Shirley", our one true love, away from us. Caught them making out by Little Urak-Hai Daycare Center when we went to pick up (aka EAT) Shirebaggins yesterday. All the Little Urak-Hais were very impressed. At first thought "Shirley" was only making out with a rotting corpse, but then realized that rotting corpse was actually Deagol! Now they has eloped and left poor Sméagol all alone. On the bright side, they took Shirebaggins with them. Although now we cannot eat him, we is glad, as giving endless horsy rides to thing 5 times bigger than us is very tiring.
Love your lonely grandson who is all alone,
Sméagol
xxx
Dear Deagol,
We is banishing your decomposing body from the "Riverfolk clan" forever. You stole my grandson's wife, "Shirley" and his only child, "Shirebaggins". We doesn't want to see you ever again. WE HATES YOU!
When this stupid "War in Iraq" is over, we will leave Saddam and go home. All your stuff better be gone by then or I will ask my personal friend Saddam to track you down and torture you. And don't think we wouldn't do it; Saddam has been a bad influence on us.
By the way, if you find our lime green loincloth, you better FedEx it to us here:
911 Saddam Lane
Caveville, Iraq, 911
Thank you for your help.
Oh no, they seem to have stumbled upon Saddam Lane.
Boom, boom, haboom, boom, boom.
"Must run, faster now, come on, Saddam. No, forget the cards and poker chips. We can always get more later. We can't ever get another Saddam."
Well, we have arrived at our new hideout. Our new address is:
911 Hell Drive
Caveland, Iraq, 911
Send us our lime green loincloth if you find it. Thank you for your cooperation. Wait, this isn't a business letter. Not thank you. If you find it, GIVE it to us, or we will have Saddam send Osama to kill you. Wait, we might do that anyway. That way "Shirley" and "Shirebaggins" will go back to my beloved Sméagol/Gollum. BUT WE HATES SMEAGOL/GOLLUM!
Love (not like that),
Granny
xxx
Dear Sméagol,
We is just writing to let you know that we is sending odd-looking Urak-Hai to you, as playing "horsy" is making us decompose faster, plus "Shirley" says you would be very sad without your "little baby". We has only one thing to say to this: We hopes he bes the horsy sometimes. We didn't want to write to you. We thinks you might hold some small grudge toward us, because we ran away with your wife. We could hook you up with this very nice dead orc we met in the Dead Marshes. Is a little quiet, but very pretty, if you like pale, decomposing faces that have an invisible wall around them so you can't eat-I mean, uh, kiss them.
"Shirley" wants us to tell you where we are on our "honeymoon", so you can come for a "nice, family visit", but we thinks this might be a bad idea as you might try to kill us (again). Of course, that didn't stop us from stealing your wife right from under your nose, so we doesn't see how killing us again would solve anything.
"Shirley" has given us a new loincloth. It is bright green and has a spare fax machine in the back pocket. She says you found it floating in a river. We is glad for the extra fax machine, as ours is decomposed as a result of spending 500+ years in a river.
"Shirley" is pestering us to quit writing to you so we can play poker. Have told her we doesn't know how, but she says she will show us. Doesn't she mean teach us? Must go. Will write more later.
Well. Now understand what some guy named Gandalf meant when he said there were scarier things than orcs. "Shirley" decided to demonstrate how to play poker with a dead fish. Cannot understand how, sometime during the process, "Shirley's" loincloth "got lost". We thinks you isn't the only cheater around here. However, have decided to forgive her, as do not want her to run back to you and her "little baby boy" who is four feet taller than us even when he is squatting in darkness and we is standing up.
Must go "practice playing poker" with "Shirley" now. She is teaching us exactly how loincloth gets lost during the process of playing. Have fun faxing DEAD fish.
"Love",
Deagol
xxx
NOT dear Granny,
We is hurt, we is. You has absolutely no reason to throw us out. We didn't kill anybody like Sméagol did, but you still likes him. WE HATES YOU! And we isn't speaking to you ever again. We will be by to pick up our old fish bones, etc. whenever WE WANTS! WE DOESN'T CARE WHAT YOU SAYS! And if you throw out our stuff before we get there we will have to FLY TO IRAQ IN OUR NEW AIRPLANE AND POKE YOUR LITTLE EYESES OUT!
And guess what? You would be mean to "poor" Shirebaggins too if you had to play "horsy" and "run around with Mommy's Urak-Hai sword" and "pretend to eat Uncle Deagol twice removed except forget that we is pretending" all the "live-long" day.
Stupid, stupid Granny isn't sympathetic to our problems. SNIFF, SNIFF. WHAT DO YOU SMELL? MANFLESH! Ahh, no, "Shirley"! This is no time to be invading our thoughts and minds. Did we tell you? "Shirley" left us. She decided to go back to Sméagol and her "darling" Shirebaggins. Nassty Sméagol, steals his wife back. Can we sue him? Do rotting corpses have rightses?
Stupid "Shirley", stupid "Sméagol", stupid "Granny" and her stupid "bean dip with raw fish". MUST KILL! I SMELL BLOOD! Wow, we just went Harry Potter there. Anyway, am on flight to Iraq to poke you and Saddam's eyeses out! We believes it will make us feel better. Although our therapist says we should try to keep our "bloodlust" down.
NOT love,
Deagol
xxx
Dear Deagol,
We is sad to hear that "Shirley" left you. NO, WE ISN'T! Nassty, bad, ugly Sméagol. We hates Sméagol. NO, WE LOVES SMEAGOL! Rotting corpses have no rightses, but Saddam says that he will represent you in "court" anyway, but only if you fax him 259 raw and wrrriggling fish to make up for threatening to poke out his eyeses.
Love/hate,
Granny
xxx
Dear "Shirley",
First, we wants you to get it clear in your head that just because we is writing to you doesn't mean that we like you. In fact, we hates you. You has been playing with our dear little grandson who has six teeth's heart by running off with a rotting corpse, then cheating on him by faxing fish, then going back to him. We is just writing to thank you for the red and green striped loincloth you sent us for Hanukah. BUT NOT REALLY. WE ISN'T EVEN JEWISH AND WE HAS NO GREEN AND RED SHOE AND PURSE COMBOS! WHERE IS OUR RECIET?
Also, we is writing to get some advice. The NASSTY, EVIL U.S. forces have found Hell Drive, as you should well know if you reads the Daily Riverfolk. (Oh, wait, you is a female /male /it type orc goblin thing; you wouldn't get that.) So my PRECIOUS Saddam has been captured and forced to watch Flipper and The Faculty until he talks. (Evil forms of torture refined over millennia.) Last we heard, he said something about "Shirebaggins". We would hate to think that our darling great-grandson, NAMELY YOUR SON, had anything to do with my only love being taken away. But…am back living with Osama and giving it another try. At our request, Osama has installed several comfortable couches and given us a whole closet all to ourself to store our loincloths in. They doesn't all fit, so we hopes Osama is as good at poker as Saddam was, so some of them can get mysteriously lost. And have discovered way to deal with excess wives. We just pokes their eyeses our, then pokes them until they starts getting gushy, then throw them out of the cave. We would eat them, but they doesn't taste very good. Anyway, write back to us at:
112 Osama Circle
Some Random Desert, Afghanistan
NO! DON'T WRITE BACK! WE HATES YOU!
Love/hate,
Granny, Daughter of Great-Granny
xxx
Dear Glorfindel,
Today was an exiting day! Arwen sent word that she and Aragorn are going to visit Rivendell, and they are bringing the Heir of Gondor with them. This is good news, as am running low on supply of purple dresses, and she always brings some along. Perhaps I can manage to take one of her tiaras too. Oh, they've arrived. Will write more later.
Arwen's visit not as fun as I thought. She has hidden all of her clothes somewhere, and I can't find them. She has also asked me to baby-sit the Heir of Gondor while she and Aragorn are doing useless stuff like helping rebuild Middle Earth or something. Heir of Gondor not much fun. All he does is lay in his cradle staring at the ceiling and blowing bubbles and gurgling. And he's still cuter than me! Makes me want to kill him, he is so sweet and innocent. So yesterday, while Arwen and Aragorn were at a meeting, I might have accidentally poked him with my sword…a few dozen times. Then bitten off his arm. Aw, crap, now I have to find a replacement Heir of Gondor.
Love,
Elrond
xxx
Dear Daddy,
We is feeling very lost and alone. Mommy said that we was going to go to Mt. Doom to be with Daddy, but right now we is stuck in some post office with "Postage Due" stamped on our forehead. WE DOESN'T WANTS TO BE IN RIVENDELL; WE WANTS TO BE IN MT. DOOM WITH DADDY. WAA! WE WANTS TO PLAY HORSEY! WE WANTS TO PLAY "CHASE DADDY AROUND WITH MOMMY'S URAK-HAI SWORD!" WE WANTS TO PLAY "HIT DADDY ON ROCK LIKE FISH!" WE WANTS TO PLAY "PRETEND TO EAT DADDY EXCEPT FORGET WE'RE PRETENDING!" WE DOESN'T WANT STUPID POINTY-EARED, ONE-EYEBROWED FREAK IN PURPLE DRESS BRIBING US TO PRETEND WE'S HEIR OF GONDOR! WE WANTS TO GO HOME!
The weather here is very bad. It's been sunny every day here. Yurk. We wants it to always be dark like in MT. DOOM!
GOOD NEW IS WE MET SUPER-PERKY URAK-HAI IN PINK UNIFORM YESTERDAY. AND SHE DOESN'T EVEN MAKE US PUT QUOTATION MARKS AROUND HER NAME! WE STILL WANTS TO GO HOME!
Love (and you knows we doesn't mean it THAT way),
SHIREBAGGINS
xxx
Dear our little Shirebagginsies,
YOU IS WAY TOO YOUNG TO HAVE A GIRLFRIEND! BESIDES, IT'S EXTREMELY DISGUSTING TO FREEDOM KISS AN ORC! Please don't be scared, Shirebaggins; Daddy will come save you from the NASSTY ELVSES! We is sending you a Black Speech translation of Lord of the Rings for you to read while we is on our journey to Rivendell. Don't worry, we has edited out the violence so it won't scare you. By the way, we is starting to have second thoughts about letting you back into our house BECAUSE WE HATES YOU! No, we doesn't hates you. Shirebaggins is my friend. YOU DON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS; NOBODY LIKES YOU! Not listening. SHIREBAGGINS IS WICKED, TRICKSY, FALSE! WE PUTS UP 20 FOOT WALL AROUND OUR HOUSE TO KEEP SHIREBAGGINS OUT! That's not really necessary, as long as we slightly modify the rules to "Chase Daddy around the house with Mommy's Urak-Hai sword." We loves you, Shirebaggins (NOT like that!) and we is coming for you!
-Sméagol/GOLLUM
xxx
LOTR, edited by Sméagol GOLLUM Sméagol
Sméagol said "Give us that, Deagol my love." But evil, stupid, nassty Deagol
Translation: Arz grishnakh "Shnerkz kzkh barad-dur." Narz grish zarg shnack Deagol
refused, leaving poor Sméagol with no choice but to STRANGLE HIM!
Translation: ag, rensh zurg kraznikz zronsk no khrinkh RIZ GRANSH!
Then a bunch of stuff happened to stupid hobbitses and elvses that nobody
Translation: Shnark gil rekh shik zut shunk krat zirg girk khris runkh
cares about, and then Sméagol was in the Forbidden Pool. He caught a raw
Translation: cirith ungul shnuk gruk grakh shrunk kignt drak. Shna kakh khra
and wriggling fish AND HIT IT ON A ROCK UNTIL IT'S BLOOD AND
Translation: aznarbutz kronb TRIKH RUNK AZER BAKH NURZ GRIHKT FRUHZ
GUTSES FLIES OUT! Then a bunch of wars and stupid other stuff
Translation: HUGT UZTKH! Zirnk chrishk kran trankc rakh zkrakh zrik
happened and then Sméagol bit off Frodo's finger and danced around and
Translation: kurkh zrak Sméagol kra arz Frodo zenig kegkakh grishka shrink gratkh
then fell into Mt. Doom and started a Bed & Breakfast.
Translation: eth drog klit zark grazt urg sha Bed & Breakfast.
We hopes you likeses the story, Shirebaggins. It's much less boring now. It's also less violent because we knows how much that scareses you. We has bought a book called "Your Child and Violent Play" to see how we should alter rules to "Chase Daddy Around with Mommy's Urak-Hai Sword." We has to go rescue you now, bye!
Your daddy,
Daddy