Hello all!!!! so i have decided not to continue in super 1st person haha it is just to hard to write. Just think of it as when Bella matures, her writing matures. Its very late and I would like some sleep. I believe I will update tomorrow because I want to haha. good luck and happy reading!

8 years later

The wind whipped my hair around my sallow face. The lone rain drop fell on my forehead. And as they lowered that final coffin, Edward's coffin, into the earth, my heart gave its last beat and then stilled. It was the most horrible form of irony that a month ago the Cullen's were having a silent joke as Carlisle told them he had purchased their final resting places in the Forks Cemetery. Now here all seven of their graves sat. It had been three months since the trade towers fell and they had never recovered any of the Cullen's remains. I really wasn't surprised, how can you when you're incinerated in a fire ball of airline fuel. They were in a row, lined with pretty flowers and new shiny head stones. The vicar said is last prayer and everyone dispersed. The rain fell more quickly now but, I felt oblivious to it. Jake's mom's funeral was yesterday and now I was glad they were finally over. Today had been worse, the whole town came to the Cullen's funeral and I was sick of hearing fake sobs from people who didn't know them, and so many "comforting" gestures. Our house was stock piled for the next three years with food, mostly casseroles. But food wasn't going to bring the Cullen's back to me. Nothing was. I looked out at the row of graves, the rain stinging my cheek as it fell down on the worst day of my life. Jake came over and grabbed my shoulder.

"You alright Bells?"

"No, of course I'm not. But, I really don't know how to deal with this so come back in a few years and I'll tell you." I said a bit too sarcastically. Jake just gently smiled at me

"I really know how you feel, and I wish I didn't but, I can't change it anymore and I've accepted that. Bells, I think you should too. You've been terrible over these past couple of months. You don't eat or anything. When are you going to accept that they won't come back?"

"Jake," I choked. "I don't honestly think I ever will. Can I-Can I just be alone for a bit?"

"Yeah sure, I'll tell your dad not to wait up." I turned back to the empty graves, to my lost family. The rain picked up even more and as it did the weight on my shoulders pushed down even more and the overwhelming day I had had slammed more pressure down until my first tear since that first day slid down my cheek, warmer than the rain. It was the bittersweet reminder of what I was going through and my façade couldn't keep up with my emotions and I cried. Really cried, the hard sobs racking my broken frame as I yelled up at the sky.

"What did I ever do to you!?! Why all of them? Why him? Why me? Will somebody help me? Anybody?" I screamed up at the luminous clouds. What retched thing had I done in my life to deserve the pain and torture I was feeling? My knees felt weak with exhaustion, and I sunk down on the ground not caring that I was soaking wet and I was getting my dress dirty. All I did was cry and cry and cry. Why me?

I jolted awake from the memory, incoherent and alone and afraid. I didn't know where I was.

"EDWARD!!!" I screamed out. There was a large crash in the other room and large footsteps running towards my room. A great, huge shape filled my doorway and someone ran towards my bed and held me tight as I thrashed in their grip.

"BELLA! Bella, it's me, it's Jake. Come on calm down, it's okay. It's okay." He soothed. The present rushed back to me. We were in the apartment Jake and I shared. The little loft above the art gallery where I worked. Jake was a crab fisherman out on the Chesapeake Bay. His boat, Whistler's Lover, had three other crew members. Paul, Embry, and Quil were our best friends. After we graduated high school Jake and I knew we had too many bad memories in the west and we both decided to run and get away as far as the continent would allow. Which landed us at the University of Maryland. I studied art and art history while Jake studied Biology. Our freshman and sophomore years were tough. We had become inseparable after the attacks and we couldn't stay at each others rooms. My roommate was a horrid selfish girl named Yvonne from New Jersey who had the most annoying voice in the world. Jake lived with a guy named Drake who all through sophomore year developed a huge infatuation with me. When I told him no, he went for Yvonne. They got married our junior year of college. Both dropped out and are now settling for a divorce after four years of marriage. Ironic isn't it.

After sophomore year Jake and I lived in a ghastly apartment 12 blocks from campus. We survived and after graduating college wondered what we were going to do. Jake had met friends on campus and we had gone on a weekend trip to Annapolis, Maryland. I absolutely fell in love with the place. We bought an apartment right on main street with the last money we had and I found a job downstairs. My employer was an elderly man by the name of Mr. Farnsworth. He was a bit grumpy but he meaned well and the local artwork was bought quickly by the tourists that came in. Jake had decided to postpone finding a job in Biology until he was sure he knew what he wanted to do. Paul had bought an old fishing boat from someone and we had spent three fun weeks fixing it up for the guys. I named it Whistler's Lover. Whistler's mother was my favorite painting and I always wanted to see it in the Musee D'orsay in Paris. I gave it the name Lover because I thought it was more suitable, I played with the idea that Whistler, whoever he was, was married to the sea.

I had calmed down long enough to see the tension on Jake's face as he held me. I caused him too much stress. I traced the circles under his eyes softly.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. You look so tired Jake." I strained to get out. It was hard knowing it was my fault.

"Bella, do not be sorry. You can't control what you dream. It will be fine. Don't worry. I'll catch up on my sleep on the boat today." He kissed my forehead, lingering a little. Senior year Jake and I tried being a couple. We really only socialized with each other so why not. What happened was entirely my fault. Whenever we tried to be…intimate…I just thought of Edward and what I couldn't have. And I would cry because of it. And then I would cry even more because I was hurting Jake. So, I gave up. Like with every other aspect of my life.

I could see the sun start to rise through the blinds and I could hear the sea gulls as the markets started to open. I looked over at the clock. 6:22 a.m. I looked back over at Jake apologetically.

"Hey I have to get up in 8 minutes anyway; you're like my personal "damsel in distress" alarm clock. You know I don' mind waking up this way you know. "He grinned mischievously. I punched him in the arm; I never let on but, those statements only reminded me of Edward and what I could still have. Unfortunately I couldn't. Jumped out of my bed and went to his bedroom next door to throw on some work clothes, which consisted of holey jeans and a sweat shirt. I was September 10th. 3 days till I turned 26 and tomorrow was the nine year anniversary of that day. I shuddered at tomorrow. I had asked Mr. Farnsworth if I could have the day off and he agreed, saying it would be slow that day. If only he knew how slowly it would be for me. I got up ready to face the day. My dream had efficiently woke me up and I really didn't want to relive it again today. I had to be at work at nine so I went to the little kitchen to make breakfast. Eggs and bacon. The usual. After that I grabbed my sweatshirt and headed down to the street.

The thing I like most about Annapolis is that old charm. The buildings were colonial, the roads through Main Street were cobblestone and they led up to the courthouse. The shops lining the street had so much class. Every one was different. There were ice cream stores and glass shops and hat stores and antiques. I took my favorite back road walk as I listened to the early morning bustle. It was down a quiet little street where all the houses were so beautifully well kept. My favorite, on the end of the street was magnificent and huge; I always wished I had enough to buy it. But the owners had moved and when the for sale sign went up I just laughed to myself. I was coming up on that huge brick house when I saw a SOLD in bold letters stamped across the side. I deflated, could today get any better? I quickly jogged past that reminder of my broken life.

The store was busy today; the last tourists of the season were quickly buying the cheaper deals on the smaller artworks. I had a lot upstairs, like my own mini gallery. My favorites were of the cows, they could always cheer me up in the store so I bought one for my room. Jake came home early that night and we decided to go out to Castlebay Irish Pub. Paul came to and we all got a little drunk. I was glad for it when tomorrow came around. When we got home Jake threw his shirt on the ground and came up to me.

"Bells, do you promise you won't go into hysterics tomorrow. You're not allowed to watch the T.V tomorrow ok. You know how the memorial service with you went last year." I did remember that, we won't go into it.

"I'll try. Really I will." He smiled and quickly kissed my cheek before shutting his bedroom door. I quickly crawled into bed dreading tomorrow.

Tomorrow came full force in the morning. It had officially been 8 years since I last saw all of them. I realized I couldn't really remember anyone that clearly except for Edward. But even then, he was slowly drifting, only coming really clear in my dreams. I got up and there was a note on my pillow. TRY, it read. I looked sadly at it because I knew I wouldn't. I felt masochistic. I wanted to wallow in sorrow and eat myself alive for everything that happened. It really was my fault for wanting him home that soon. For not accepting the gifts he always tried to give me because then I would be spending eternity with him. But now I didn't even want to know if there was one. I had slowly quit believing. I took my walk again, this time there were moving trucks in that house, but I didn't stay to watch I went right on going. When I got back I fought the urge to turn on the television. I knew it was on right now. The farmers market was out today and I decided instead to try to follow jakes advice and try to keep my mind off it. I walked slowly down the few blocks to wear everyone was crowded around the little stands buying honey and fruits and vegetables. I walked around the tables searching for something interesting when I caught a little jewelry stand. It was titled A & R C Native Jewelry. When I looked closer it was made out of the shells I always found around here. They really were pretty. And pretty cheap too. I found a ring made out of clam shell with a little island painted on it that kind of embodied my solidarity. I instantly connected to it. I pulled out my little wallet and handed the girl the money.

"You make these? They really are very nice." I complimented.

"I know aren't they? But, no I don't make them. They sort of hired me to do this. I'm getting paid pretty well they I just preoccupied at the moment." I nodded my head and said goodbye.

I stuck the little ring on my finger and admired it for a little bit. It fit the way I felt today, bitter and alone, but strangely calm about it all. I think I was starting to accept the fact finally that they were never coming back. I looked up as someone laughed really loud and my eyes went directly to a mop of bronze hair bending down near the breads. That bronze hair that reminded me so much of Edward. It was so messy just like his to. Then an arm came up and tousled it. That arm had the Cullen Crest that was engraved on all of their tombstones. I tripped over someone shocked. I was really becoming delusional because I was seeing things that weren't real. I looked down and tried to shake the tears trying to well up in my eyes. I couldn't lose it in front of all these people. I looked back at that guy who looked so much like Edward when he moved up triumphant. A lavender bag in his hands. That lavender bag was nothing compared to what I was seeing. That chiseled jaw, that straight perfect nose, those eyes. Those wonderful tawny eyes. The body covered in a tight fitting tee that said PRINCETON in bold letters on the front. I gaped because standing not 50 feet away from me was Edward Cullen. Who was supposed to be dead, in the ground. No, no, no, no. The tears were spilling full now. I must be going crazy; I would have to live in the loony hospital. Because it couldn't be possible for him to survive. A gust of salty air blew my hair in my eyes, someone saw me crying and asked if I was alright and as I watched Edward stiffened and whipped his head up. His lips parted, his mouth moved and shaped one word. Bella. Now I knew it wasn't a dream. My bag of apples dropped on the ground and I turned my heel and fled. Fled everything that wasn't real, that couldn't be happening. Not after I just told myself I was accepting it. He was here. Alive. I ran past the square, the crab house, and the store fronts until I reached a secluded spot in an alleyway near the bank. I trembled and tears ran down my face in a torrent. How could that possibly happen? Did he hate me so much he couldn't get on that plane? He faked his own death, his family's death to not be near me anymore. That was the only explanation. How were they here?