"Something more rigorous?" Jack's mouth curved with a predatory grin. "I think I can accommodate your request."

Starving for his touch, she kissed him with a savagery that shocked her. He was still for only a moment before surrendering, grabbing her face and pressing a desperate kiss to her lips, short and hungry. She found herself biting at his lips, and he bit back, rough and piercing, in a struggle that was as much an attack on each other as a kiss. But then he softened, changing it to something deep and passionate, personal. The kiss ended when they both came up for some much needed air. Rebecca couldn't remember how she ended up on his lap with her arms around his neck, but she didn't move away, and he didn't seem to mind as his eyes fixed on her face.

"You're staring at me," she said, but he didn't respond. "What do you see?"

He took a breath to ease the growing tightness in his chest. "The way you perceive the truth in the world around you. Did you know your eyes crinkle when you smell the blood of an adversary?"

"Please. I'm not that vicious," she scoffed.

"You're every bit as ferocious and possessive as a varren on a fresh kill."

Her eyes opened wide, and a sound somewhere between a laugh and a snort came from her. "Ah, you're referring to my comment about Matriarch Trellani the other day."

"A willing participant presented at an opportune moment," he said, waving a hand, dismissing the information as irrelevant. "She had no false impressions of what our relationship was about." He finished what was left of his drink and, gently extracting himself from her embrace, got up to pour another, all without sparing her another glance.

Why was he defending his actions? Harsh judgments and scrutiny were everyday occurrences, and he didn't give a shit about what other people thought of him. Her opinion of his character mattered though. He liked her, respected her, as a woman, as a lover, as Commander of the Normandy, and more importantly, as a person who held similar thoughts about humanity retaining its galactic control above all other species.

"At least she didn't suck your brain dry." She poked his arm playfully as he sat down. "There's no need to feel defensive, Jack. I know how difficult life can be for a playboy."

He growled at the epithet. "Trellani was fascinating. Hypnotic and dangerous, but certainly nothing I couldn't handle."

"Uh huh." Men were so pathetically predictable, ready to roar and beat their chests to prove their masculinity.

"She was a marvelous lay."

She shimmied out of his arms, pretending she wasn't the least bit jealous at the thought of him with another woman. She had no claim on Jack, nor what he did with his life, not when they'd met and not now. It was stupid. She was stupid. The uneasy feeling intensified. "So how do I compare?" He grabbed her hand and guided it lower until she was left with no doubt as to his response. Her smile turned into more of a smirk by the second. "You're not the only one to take advantage of unexpected opportunities, you know."

"Give me some credit, Rebecca. You have no interest in an alien liaison," he said. "Massani is too weathered for you and Jacob is too honorable. Unless…." His expression went flat and then coolly challenging, but the look was gone before she could savor it, covered up behind his careful gaze.

"What was that look all about?"

"Are you thinking of branching out? Embracing eternity with a curvy Asari? If that's the case, I won't dissuade you."

"You'd just love a threesome, wouldn't you?" Asshole.

"Are you offering?"

"No such luck. Stick with those Terra Firma twins you're so fond of."

"Fondness was not part of that equation."

"Well it couldn't have been the intellectual conversations. Between the two of them can they even put a sentence together?"

"We didn't speak much," he said. Her face flushed, her whole body tensing, and he watched her for a few seconds before leaning back on the sofa and spreading his arms out. "They were simply a fleeting moment and I was gone long before the sun came up."

Son of a bitch, throwing that in my face…. She was repulsed by his arrogance and smug satisfaction, and at the same time, she wanted him to make love to her until she forgot the rigid code she had imposed on herself, a code that now seemed ridiculous in the face of possible death. "The sun will be up in five hours. Well, at least on Earth. Plenty of time, right?"

"I could take my shuttle back right now." He wrapped an arm around her waist and yanked her toward him, pressing her hard against his chest.

"I'd be very put out, not to mention frustrated. And so would you."

His gaze drifted to her bed and then back to her. "Speaking of frustrated, we should-"

She put a finger on his lips. "What did you say to me about patience earlier?" She wriggled away and dropped to her knees, smiling at his weary sigh. "Nice shoes. These alone can fund a mission." Taking his feet in her hands, she slipped off the shoes and tossed them over her shoulder. "You can always pawn your pricey suits for some extra creds too."

"Perhaps I exaggerated when I said I couldn't afford to bring you back from the dead again."

Her eyes rolled dramatically. "Really, Jack?" She pressed her fingertips into the soles of his feet, squeezed and pinched his toes, expertly massaging his ankle with gentle rotations. Her fingers ran along his calf muscles, and she felt the outline of a knife sheath. A low groan escaped him, and she smiled but said nothing as she slowly rolled the sock down, revealing the sheathed knife. "Going old school, huh?" She pulled the blade out and examined it carefully, admiring the intricately carved handle. "Were you worried I'd try to kill you?"

"Of course not," he said as she put the knife on the table, although the thought had crossed his mind. "But members of your team see me as a fanatical and ruthless opportunist."

"And they're right. They probably see me that way too."

"Not quite. The Drell and the Turian both despise me. They'd protect you with their lives."

"Yes, they would. Loyal to a fault," she agreed. "And they have their own code of conduct, but no one else in my crew would hurt you without my okay."

"Well, I can think of at least one other person who blames me for her own… instabilities." His muscles tensed as she continued to run her hands up and down his leg.

"If I was her I'd blame you too. But we're not going to have an argument about the Teltin facility again." She looked at him thoughtfully. "For all her bluster, our Subject Zero wouldn't do anything to jeopardize the mission. You might want to keep your distance once the Collectors are out of the way though."

"You won't protect me?"

She barked a laugh. "You're more than capable, Jack. I don't worry about your ability to defend yourself, whatever the means."

He looked away from her, a small frown on his lips. "What do you worry about, Rebecca? Do you ever worry at all?"

She shrugged. "Not too often." She reflected on the question as she caressed him. The first eighteen years of her life had been nothing but worry, and she thought she'd used up her lifetime quota, more or less. She lost sleep from time to time now, but the events and people on her mind were important only to her. "If I said I worried about you would you believe me?"

"No man is worth your sanity."

"You're right, but you do spend too much time investigating tech that can harm you and the people around you."

He took a deep breath and tilted his head. "If what you say is true, I'm flattered by your concern. But worry is not preparation," he said, keeping his voice low and serious. "It gives the illusion you are preparing yourself when, in fact, the only thing thoughts of fear prepare you for is panic."

"Fuck you, Jack. I never panic." She dropped his leg and downed the rest of her drink, the alcohol lighting a fire in her veins. "Christ, I thought we were past these ridiculously oblique conversations anyway."

He laughed a smooth chuckle, like he'd expected that response from her. "Maybe the control chip wasn't such a terrible idea after all."

"You wouldn't be here now if you'd gone along with Miranda's idea."

"True." He grabbed her arms and pulled her back onto the couch, positioning her so she was lying flat on her back while he hovered right above her. "Your reactions are far more entertaining than any I could have prompted with the push of a button."

She pulled him closer, her hand moving down his lower back in an exploratory way that had him smiling. His hand stroked her face and hair, caressing her gently, and she responded with a soft moan as his fingertips traced her face.

"Tell me what you're thinking," she said, moving up to listen for his answer and quickly added, "Lie to me if you have to."

Something strange crossed his face, a mix of thought and emotion and challenge. An empathetic sigh came from his lips. Slowly he bent forward to whisper in her ear. "I won't lie to you, considering it's a suicide mission you're about to embark on. A little honesty is the least I can offer as this comes down to the end."

The risk involved in the mission was tremendous. How could he be so blasé? Shocked by his casual remark, her hands pushed against his shoulders until they were both sitting upright, face to face.

"What is it, Rebecca?"

"You said 'the end'? You think we won't make it out?"

"Odds are not everyone will make it out alive, but you will. You will because I'm telling you to."

"Oh, I… I misunderstood what you meant." He touched her cheek with his hand and she leaned toward him, a sensual, feminine, and spontaneous movement. "You're still a cocky bastard," she said with a weak elbow to his ribs. His admission of what he honestly wanted touched her in unquantifiable ways. She curled around him and rested her head on his chest, claiming her place beside him. "I should kill you on principle."

"Go ahead and try." He pressed a kiss to the top of her head, and she felt his broad smile. "After the mission."

"Jack," she said, somewhat hesitantly, "after everything we've been through, everything we've done... has anything changed? Have we changed?"

"You haven't," he said, squeezing her. "But over time the way I view you has changed."

Not really the answer she was looking for, but he wasn't about to get into a psychological evaluation of cause and effect. How far could she push him before he shut down? Before he shut her down?

"And how do you view me now? Not as an equal or a partner, that much I know. You may respect and trust in my judgment, desire me when the mood strikes, but that's about where it ends, isn't it?"

"Rebecca, what you're asking for, what you want, is something I can't give to you. Maybe years ago it would have been different, but not now."

"Right. All those pesky things in the way. The Collectors, the Reapers, and more importantly," she paused to take a breath and build up a dramatic air, "our rightful place in the galaxy."

"That is precisely correct." Leaning back with a stern a gaze, she flushed with the intensity of his stare, her theatrics not amusing him. "A white picket fence and children playing in the yard are not in the cards. What exactly do you want from me?"

"Nothing," she said between gritted teeth. "Nothing beyond a good fuck and some time to forget all the other bullshit." God damn him, he was right; it wasn't like she had any ambitious hopes for a happily ever after. Still, her anger continued to flare at his presumption and callousness. "But that doesn't mean I can't wallow in a little self-pity when the mood strikes. Are you so hardened that you can't understand that?"

"What I understand is that a comfortable life is not for people like you and me."

"I get it, Jack. I just want to forget sometimes. And you don't exactly make it easy for me to forget either. You make me so damn… so goddamn... ach!" she said, punching the couch.

"Miserable? Violent?" He raised his eyebrows. "Horny?"

She had to laugh then. "All of the above, yes." But her laughter was tempered by other thoughts, dreams of a life she would never have, wrapped in his arms and forgetting her purpose. Fuck that. Let whatever happens happen. In a whisper of a voice, she answered. "You make me happy sometimes, you know? And I hope I've made you happy too."

He was not expecting to hear her speak so plainly, and with such warmth. He prided himself on being able to handle any situation that came along, but this threw him. "I'm not saying what we have is insignificant or misguided. There are times when I'm… distracted by you, when I feel like I did years ago, before…."

He looked away from her, to a distant past only he could see, and there was a melancholy about him that made her heart flutter with a vague dread.

"Before what? Shanxi? Tell me, Jack. Does this have anything to do with your exposure to the Prothean artifact?"

"It's a moot point, one I won't discuss with you right now. At any rate, I am no longer that man."

"But you are," she said, turning his head around with a gentle finger on his chin. "You are with me."

"You're delusional, Rebecca. I've been your advocate, your protector, and I've listened to you when no one else would, but I've done so only to further the interests of humanity. You only see who you want me to be, not who I am."

"Bullshit!" Damn his ability to turn it off, to forget what made them human in the first place. He wouldn't get away with it this time. "I know you well enough, Jack. Our relationship is fucked up, no question, but you came here tonight because you think it might be the last time you ever see me. That speaks volumes."

"You are the best and brightest humanity has to offer," he said glibly. "Of course I want to spend time with the great Commander Shepard."

"Don't patronize me, Jack." She leapt from the couch and almost tripped on her own feet as she scrambled to move away from him. "You can reject me and tell me to go to hell, but don't you dare patronize me." The bitter tone in her voice was not one she used often with him, but he was being too slick, too inflammatory. Too distant.

"You're right," he said quietly. "That was uncalled for. We're both on edge about the mission."

"The mission has nothing to do with it."

"You're wrong." He motioned for her to sit beside him, but she folded her arms across her chest and looked away. "Come here and sit down. I'm not trying to push you away."

"I know you're not. You're manipulating the conversation and placing blame on anything but yourself. You're predictable that way."

"I am not predictable."

"Yes, you are. And transparent." She was about to launch into some sort of diatribe about his communication skills and he knew it. The look on his face was priceless. "The suit you're wearing… you wore it because you know it's my favorite. The cologne, too. You only wear Bay Rum when you're with me. Because I like it." She paced the floor, her fingers pawing at her hair until she stopped to yell at him. "And beyond that, I've seen your smile when you think I'm not looking, I've felt your hands on me, Jack. All those things meant to tell me what you can't say to my face. So don't tell me I'm imaging things or suffering from some sort of Stockholm Syndrome. I know how you feel about me." She pinned him with a cold, almost hate-filled gaze, one he'd come to expect. "I'll never think otherwise."

His glass hit the table with a hollow clunk and he scratched his forehead before standing up. As he tried to embrace her, she pulled away, tears trickling from the corners of her eyes. "Come on, Rebecca, don't do this."

"Tonight was a mistake," she said, hardly believing her own ears. It seemed her gamble wouldn't pay off after all. Damn it! Her head felt about to explode. Just looking at him filled her with a mixture of excitement and anticipation, but also peace, shelter, knowing anywhere with him was a place where she could lay everything down for a while and just let him explain all the sadness and regret away. "I want you to leave." She turned her back to him and held her breath as he moved away. Still she didn't look at him, afraid if she did, she would turn around, run to him, and hurl herself into his arms. "And I'm not asking you to go, I'm telling you to."

"I'm not going anywhere," he said, and poured himself another drink, then raised it to her in toast as her jaw dropped. "To you, Rebecca. Now stop being childish." His patronizing smirk sent her over the edge.

"I fucking hate you!" she screamed, and threw her empty glass at him. As he easily dodged it, she ran at him swinging wildly. All she wanted to do was beat his face and chest with her fists, but a sense of self-preservation kept her from injuring him. Or maybe it was the half-amused, half-hurt expression on his face when he grabbed hold of her and held her tightly. She struggled to tear herself away from him, without her usual strength, all the while muttering every profanity that came to mind. After a long minute, she weakened in the embrace of the man who, despite everything, still excited her, still tempted her.

"You don't hate me." She glared up at him, her look one of utter confusion. Then he took her mouth in a raw, savage kiss, stealing her breath and robbing her of rational thought. "You can't hate me no matter how much you try."

"You are so goddamn arrogant," she said. "If I could hate you, I'd sleep much better at night."

"I could say the same." His gaze locked with hers, intense now as he took her hands in his. "Now do me a favor and indulge me for a minute, keeping your comments to yourself while I speak."

"Why bother trying to smooth things over? This is going nowhere and nothing you can say-"

"Please, Rebecca. What I have to say is important."

Something that had once amused her softened his appearance; a hint of vulnerability, an almost innocent charm that didn't fit into the world of Cerberus and galactic domination. She watched him as he smoothed some hair back and straightened his collar, a rare moment of restlessness for the Illusive Man. Whatever he had to say was significant enough for him to permit a clear view into his heart, albeit through the smallest of windows. Holding back a sigh, she nodded, allowing him this one demand, hoping to hear something meaningful, anything to give her hope.

"You might as well have a smoke, too." His eyebrows formed a skeptical arch. "I know you want it, Jack."

With a slight smile, he took the case out from inside his jacket and offered her a cigarette. "Ready to take up smoking yet?" She shook her head. "Good for you. It's a terrible habit." He took a deep drag, held the smoke, then blew it slowly up over his head.

They stared at each other for a long moment as she waited for him to speak, the silence heightening the tension in the room. Her thoughts jumbled, panic rising in her gut now. Maybe it wasn't vulnerability she saw but finality. What could he say to her? That he was scared because of the strength and depth of the emotions he was feeling? No, that was her problem, not his. He was going to tell her it was over, that whatever they shared was ultimately doomed and she should forget him. Impossible. Her heart rate picked up, her pulse pounding in her ears so loudly she couldn't hear her own thoughts. Her vision began to waver as he opened his mouth to speak, and then her consciousness dimmed. Her last memory was of the firmness of his chest against her cheek and strong arms preventing her fall, only half-conscious of him leading her to the couch. Seconds went by, maybe minutes before she felt his hand on her face.

"Rebecca? Are you all right? You left me for a minute."

"Yeah. Just…." She took a deep breath and sipped from the glass of water he offered. "I haven't eaten much today."

"Are you sure there's no other reason for you to feel faint?" The concern in his voice made her stiffen on the couch as he pulled out an energy bar from his pocket. "Here."

"You're always prepared, aren't you?" She gave him a lopsided smile, then took a bite. "I'm fine, really. Thanks." She rolled her head from one shoulder to the other trying to release some of the tension as she spoke. "So you were going to say something. Lay it on me then," she said, and braced herself for whatever the revelation was hanging between them.

A/N: Thanks to Biff McLaughlin for the great beta job and for keeping my Shepard in line. Any mistakes here are my fault for messing with this afterward. Almost there, Zute! Next chapter will have all the smut.