Chapter Two

Part 1

Getting to the house alone and being there alone was sort of strange. I had this need to memorize the place even though I had ultimately no right to be there. Without Jess and Malcolm home I would walk the rooms and touch the surfaces and walls. It was like I needed to be a part of her past. I needed to be a part of her life before her powers, before she was really a part of me an integral part.

This house was her only safe place, her only home. That'd been true for years but I'd never known.

I knew now though and to me it made sense. My mom was never loving. Even I took a long time to be nice and to love Jess…

It hurts to think of how I was back then.

I was trapped... Stupid. Brainwashed more like. Only I knew better, even then.

My mother had tried to make me a stupid girl and I just took it all and tried to live the best I could in her world, her version.

Jess stopped her. She always did.

Before her, I had it in me but I couldn't do it alone. I needed her. I've always needed her.

I heard a door and voices downstairs.

"TRRRIIISSSHH?!"

"UP HERE!" I yelled. "BE DOWN IN A SEC!" I was never in a hurry though.

There was never enough time to try and memorize this place. On some days I spent hours just sitting in Jessica's childhood room and trying to imagine her there, the Jess who existed before she was forced to have to meet me.

"Hey."

A lot of times she'd catch me.

"Hey," I said, fixing my hair and trying to act like I hadn't just been meditating on her past.

"You okay?"

"What? Ahhh- yeah," I smiled. "Just tired," I lied.

"Food's downstairs," she said, looking down at my hand and taking it. "Come on."

My heart always jumped when she had me.

I followed behind, feeling hers. It had always been my favorite feeling.

Only thing that could ever trump that feeling was saving her and being her hero. I live for that but I'm not sure if she knows…

When we're both around the table there isn't much talking unless I initiate it. Jess doesn't talk much without a good reason but I try to get her to tell me about her days. Her nights I don't ask about. Those are sometimes spent away from me with people that I don't really want to know exist.

It's been like this since Kilgrave. Before, there were guys… and girls, but Jessica was different. Everything was. No matter what feelings we had for one another we never said anything. She was happier before Kilgrave but neither of us knew what love was outside of one another.

Part 2

Often, in this new place, I get this feeling inside. It's funny because this feeling is old. It's the feeling I used to have when Jess and I were just kids, when we were just beginning to know one another, when we were just beginning to love without knowing why.

The first time I felt it, it was just a comment from her, just a small gesture. I remember it though. I remember it vividly.

My mom had gone away for a weekend and left us alone. We both knew it'd be more than right living without her but neither of us spoke it in the beginning, we just did our little dance around each other, that dance we still do where we both pretend we're not the most important people in each other's lives when we both know the truth.

At the very end of that weekend, right before my mom came home, Jess came and sat on my bed while I was reading. At first I ignored her but then I put my book down to see what it was that brought her in.

"I like it like this," she said, laying back on my bed and ignoring my gaze.

"I know," I said. For the first time ever I saw Jessica's hand and knew I wanted to be holding it more than doing anything else in my world. I don't usually feel like that for people. I still don't. I reached over slowly and took her hand in my own. When she didn't pull-away I squeezed her hand in mind and felt strong. She let me feel strong.

She looked over at me then and smiled, I could tell though that there were happy tears in her eyes. As weak as I was, I could still make her feel.

Butterflies swam inside me for the very first time, real ones, not just small flutters.

I sat up a long while to just be with her, feel her, and hold her hand. I knew at any second my mom would be home and our safe space would be a dangerous one once again.

That was the first time though, the first time I actually felt like telling her, saying it. I heard the words clear as day in my mind but I knew better than to let them come out.

Sitting with her like that all I could think to say was, I love you…

But I held it in. I always did. And it's always been hard.

I'm not like Jess, I can't stand to hold things in, not important things. I'd rather talk myself out of words than have to think about something I should've said but never did.

That feeling, it's back. Not that it ever really left. Before Kilgrave came back again I'd been too careful with her and she hated that. What he'd done to her that first time? It was so wrong. I couldn't think of anything other than how she must've felt, trapped by him, grossly used. I was too caught up with those thoughts. I was drowning in them and she watched and felt sorry for me. That was the worst.

It's no wonder she pushed me out. I was a constant reminder of all she'd experienced.

She didn't want to think about it but it was all I could think.

She had lived these things and I hadn't been one to help her, more one to assume she found something better than me, something worth living for.

When she came back and told me the truth all I felt was that I wasn't good enough, I should've been there, I should've saved her, I should've seen through it all and found a way to get to her. She always saved me. With her I always failed.

"You've been creepily quiet today."

"You going out?"

"No, just..." She paused a beat in the doorway as if scared to cross the line and enter the room. She had her hands in her jacket pockets. Her jacket was zipped up even though she was home and apparently in no rush to leave.

"Come 'ere," I urged, forcing her in. I was relaxed now, reading, resting in my pj's. Malcolm had helped to turn her old room into a space for me. I wondered what she saw when she looked at the space. Did she see me? Did she see her past? What was it? And why did she choose this room if it was going to upset her?

I wondered if there was another room in the house where I could be, a room that would be more inviting to her. I'd live in the garage if it meant she'd be more comfortable staying with me in there.

She walked in and I motioned to take her hand so she gave it. I pulled her to sit, rubbing my thumb over her soft skin and hoping for time.

"What is it?" I asked.

"I'm trying to get used to this place but it's hard to erase."

"Erase?"

She glanced at me. "Kilgrave," she said simply.

"You could've sold it," I reminded.

"No," she said.

I wondered if perhaps she believed in fate.

"Okay," I said, trying to find a way to keep her talking. Sometimes it was impossible though. Soon as things got real she left, that was always her way. "I'm getting sleepy," I said. "You should get in here and protect me."

"Ninja's don't need protecting," she teased. I still didn't know how she really felt about all that training I'd done. She hadn't really said.

"What if I want protecting?"

"You don't," Jess said, knowing it.

"Okay, wrong choice of words," I said. "Just get in here, okay? I can tell you want to." I let go of her hand and pulled the cover up from the bed. I turned to the nightstand and shut off the light. It bothered me that the door was open so I got up and shut it. Then I pulled my shirt off and threw it on the ground. It was hot in the house and my tank would do.

When I came back to the bed Jess was inside it and laying still on her back like a vampire rests stiff in it's coffin.

"What are you even doing?" I laughed. She still had her jacket on and her shoes. She had her jeans on. People didn't sleep like that. I knew that Jess didn't sleep like that. If Jess was going to sleep, I mean really sleep, she'd wear next to nothing and force herself to empty her mind. Her body language showed the exact opposite but she had come to my door for this and I knew that.

"What?"

"Come on," I said, crawling over her and straddling her. I looked down on her in the darkness and saw her. She always seemed so vulnerable to me somehow. That killed me but I loved it too much. It was such a contradiction. She was a contradiction. I was addicted to her, no doubt.

I unzipped her jacket and began to slowly move it off of her. I knew she wasn't going to help me. I also knew she needed to be treated like she was delicate sometimes. Just like she needed to be treated like she was unbreakable. She was perfect that way.

"I know you don't sleep with your clothes on," I said. It was perfectly unnecessary of me to remind her. We'd slept together so many times. The only times she actually slept were the times where she was either naked completely or wearing next to nothing, she knew it as well as I did.

"So," Jess said grumpily. I looked down at her and gave her an exhausted yet condescending look.

When she met me only with silence and that stare I moved my hand to the nightstand drawer and pulled out a crystal glass and a bottle of whiskey. This I kept for nights just like this when I knew she'd come and I knew it'd be my job to settle her mind and body. For as long as I'd known her it seemed it was beginning to take more and more to calm her mind. We had Kilgrave to thank for that. That and Jessica's own stubbornness to actually try and alleviate these things.

A bit angered but mostly glad she was with, I crawled over her to better reach the nightstand. I laid on top of her and let out a sweet sigh. She always felt better than anyone else ever could. I felt her hand on my skin at my back by my hip just above my ass. I felt her thumb slip under my jeans absentmindedly like it used to when we used to do this more often. I closed my eyes to feel it as I took the glass in my hand, poured a small spot of whiskey and gulped it right down.

"Okay. Now you," I said, getting up from off of her and pouring a more generous amount into the glass. I felt myself breathless even from just that small bit of friction between our bodies and our skin.

She watched up at me and waited. I screwed the top back on the bottle and set it down, taking the glass in my hand and motioning her to sit up.

Once she'd done it I handed her the glass and watched as she drank. I leaned down and kissed her forehead.

"Good girl," I said. As if she'd taken medicine, swallowed it down. So much about this felt a fevered routine.

I moved down to her feet and took her shoes away, throwing them to the ground.

Then I moved to her jeans, unbuttoning them. When I moved to pull them off though she stopped me with both of her hands. I could tell she was holding back her strength. She always did that with me. She was always too gentle.

"Fine," I said, knowing well that she always took them off to sleep. I heard her wiggling back down to lay in that flat way on the bed on her back.

I walked to my side of the bed and fell into it, pulling the covers over myself and cuddling up to her, holding her like I was so used to doing. There was nothing better than breathing her in.

"Please sleep," I urged. But I wanted to kiss her. I wanted to kiss her so bad. I just didn't want to scare her off, not again. All the things with Kilgrave set her mind on fire. I wanted to help her get rid of all that. I wasn't sure kissing would do the trick. I wasn't sure I could even help. I'd tried this same thing several times lately and it hadn't worked for long. She'd lay beneath me a while and when she thought I was sleeping she'd get up, put her clothes on and leave. It was near tragic.

"I will," she said, breaking me from my sad thoughts of how she was always leaving me. She moved a hand to hold at my neck and keep me close. I breathed her in and kissed the part of her wrist that was already near my face.

Those words were in me again. I kept them in again, I love you, I love you, I love you…

I wanted to speak.

She shifted and moved so her forehead was against mine. I felt her holding my hand and kissing the back of it before letting out a heavy sigh.

"What?" I asked, opening my eyes to look at her. Her eyes were searching mine. I could feel them on my lips. It made me search her lips too. I missed them, too much. I took my thumb to her lips and rubbed them while biting my own bottom lip and wishing I could know what she was thinking all the time.

She kissed my thumb and I closed my eyes and smiled despite it all.

I moved my body in closer to hers, pulling at her skin above her jeans and bringing her in to hug me full on. I wanted her body as close to mine as it could be. I wanted it to be like when we were young and we first touched. It still felt like that, always.

I needed her head on my chest. I wanted her listening to my heart and how it raced.

"You feel that, right?" I asked.

"I do," she said sweetly, pulling me close using a bit of her strength.

I let out a slight moan. Her strength, when she used it, even a little, it always surprised me.

I felt her breath on my neck, her lips ghosting as her hands grasped to feel the skin of my neck.

She pushed me back, pushed on top of me. I kept my eyes closed. Sometimes I wanted it too much.

"Look at me," she said, her hand at my chin.

I opened my eyes and felt her hand with my own.

I knew she could feel it, how much I wanted her. She let her eyes see my lips again and I waited, wanting her.

"I'm here," I said, since my eyes weren't enough, I had to say it.

"Okay," she said, taking her thumbs beneath my chin, her other fingers behind my neck. She led me up. "Kiss me," she whispered, pulling me in. This was new. She didn't usually speak to me like this, didn't usually give orders. I felt her lift my head up and catch my lips with her own. I felt her lips on mine and her tongue sneaking in. I felt how familiar it was but also how perfect.

Then I felt as her hands led me back down every so soft, her lips never leaving. I felt her kiss deepen, her body move up on mine, sending a shock all through me as I gasped.

We both tasted like whiskey. I'd come to associate the taste of whiskey with kissing Jess. Sometimes I'd drink a little alone though I usually stayed away from it. Just a small taste on my tongue could subdue my cravings for her for just a little while.

Sometimes it felt like we were all or nothing. Other times we were delicate, gentle, soft.

Part 3

Alcohol fueled sleep came after kissing. There was always a sexual tension to our interactions but most of the time it never went there. We sought comfort in each other. It all started when we were nineteen.

We got ahold of two bottles of wine at some event my mom booked me for. It was dumb but we went upstairs to the hotel room we were sharing and cracked one of the bottles open on the balcony railing. Bringing a corkscrew didn't seen quite as important as getting away from my mother so we didn't have one.

I got drunk first but Jess eventually caught up and we collapsed giggling on the concrete, making fun of all the people that we had encountered downstairs. Jessica was my comfort and I was the only person she loved.

She leaned toward me like some old man with a Patsy fettish had at the party but instead of pulling away like I had from the man, I closed the gap and we were kissing. When I thought she would pull away she didn't.

It wasn't my first kiss, nor hers, but it was the first one that made me feel anything. The universe opened up for me that night, starting in my chest. I felt so full of everything that I thought I would burst. It didn't go all the way that night. We stopped at making out because I was too drunk to function.

When I woke I had to wonder if it was just the wine but as soon as I turned over and saw her, it was so clear. She was the cause of it not the alcohol. I changed with those kisses and I know she did too but she wouldn't show it.

We never talk about it. Even though it's happened so many times since then. Not after Kilgrave. That hurt. She just pulled away and I knew why but it still fucked with my heart. I knew where she moved to but even when I tried to visit it wasn't the same. She pushed me so far away that I could hardly feel the connection anymore. She wanted that from me.

Now, after being so close to losing each other we were reconnecting. I dreamed that we were together for real, something I never thought of really. We were what we were and I always assumed that I would find someone and she would find someone but we would always be there for each other even to the detriment of our other relationships.

When I woke it wasn't just our past that I'd seen it was a future and some kind of poisonous hope was inside of me. Deep down I wanted it. Maybe I always had but I just never thought of it as an option. Here in this house where her life had started, where she was once happy, I guess some sense of a real future together had invaded me.

I rolled over, and just like that first night years ago I saw her, and I was whole. She knew me like no one else ever could and I knew her. We could be good. "Jess," I whispered but she didn't wake. Just as well, I needed to feel this out. I might be crazy.