She looked at the grave that was suddenly vacant of spectators her heart breaking in two, the words Ashley spoke hauntingly passing through her mind; "I sometimes wonder if I would of fought so hard, if I had known that it would eventually hurt so much" She knew the anger that filled her wife, she had seen it nearly every night for the past month. Those rants however were always when the beautiful brunette was drunk and part of her had hoped that when the girl was sober she wouldn't feel so angry still.
The grave looked well maintained, she knew her mother would, she felt such pain for them all, her parents had lost two children within a few years of each other, and it seemed terribly unfair. They seemed to be coping better than Ashley, she was beginning to hide it better though, getting herself dressed smiling at appropriate times, Spencer was the one who cleaned the house ever morning still, when Ashley seemed too drunk to cope with it, and she couldn't help feeling that perhaps now she was doing more harm than good by sticking by her wife's side.
She had been in this place for two years now, this place of death, the time frame for her was a little fuzzy since her death, at first it had been snapshots of existence, moments since her death her funeral, the screaming and crying from her family, then her first anniversary. She was attached to them couldn't move about freely, it was like a dream she could not control, she stayed in that state for a while, slowly being able to control things more and more, but it was not until the first anniversary of her death where she could control herself entirely. She had found it hard to adjust to existing day-by-day being close to those she loved but never a true part of their lives. Initially she had found it hard to be with them every day, as they were still consumed with their grief but she found she could not be away for too long, missing them to much, so after two months of milling around everyone she had returned to the place she had called home for five years to the women she had called home for that time, to be with her and protect her like she had before.
She remembered how the place had looked, bottles and take out cartons littered her old pristine apartment, Ashley seemed broken, passed out, a bottle griped in her hand her hair unkempt, and she seemed so thin, almost gaunt. It was then she discovered she could touch things, only in such an early hour, she had brushed Ashley's bangs from her eyes and kissed her forehead, and whispered "I love you" Ashley had smiled and Spencer stood back with shock, when she tried to do it again though, she wasn't able to and she cursed. Looking out of the window, she saw the sunrise glinting through the large windows; it was not until the next dawn that she could test her theory.
She had thought she had made things easier for her wife, she over heard Kyla saying she smiled more now, perhaps the brunette could sense her being there and felt a little less lonely. Now though she wasn't so sure, with the heart breaking confession that fell from Ashley's lips she wondered if she was making it worse for her wife, perhaps she needed to leave to let Ashley move on. She watched the car drive away out of the cemetery taking her heart with it, tears fell from her eyes "forgive me" she turned around walked away, leaving her wife to morn.
Ashley decided to walk the stairs up to her apartment; now days she never seemed to get much exercise I suppose that is what you get for spending all your time with a computer. She admitted to herself, if no one else that she was turning a little agoraphobic, but she couldn't help it, her house seemed so comforting like she was not quite so alone when she was there.
She unlocked the door stepping in, and suddenly the coldness of it hit her, she was momentarily confused, her apartment was always warm when she entered, Spencer had always… she stopped her wife had always made sure the heating had been on when she got home. She went over to the timer realising that she had never adjusted it herself but I am sure for the past year at least it has been on when I have been out she shuck her head, thinking maybe they had just had a milder winter than usual the past year, and turned it on.
She tried to remember whether or not the apartment had been warm or not the first year without Spencer but she couldn't be sure much of anything back then, it was a numbing blur of pain and depression, and she wondered not for the first time if it hadn't been for Spencer's family and Kyla if she would of come out of the other side, she concluded she probably wouldn't have.
She walked over to her computer turning it on; she looked around her apartment something felt out of place as if something that was there yesterday that was missing today. She shrugged her shoulders nothing seemed out of place, it was the same, perhaps it had been spending a day with other people. She looked over to the fridge, knowing that she had a bottle of wine left over from the previous day, she knew she shouldn't she had had a good day comparatively with how it could of gone, Glen and Arthur had been pleased to see her and she had enjoyed spending time with them, but she felt so alone now, the apartment not offering the comfort it usually did, and she though one glass of wine may help her relax. She walked over took a glass from the cupboard, which was on the other side of the kitchen to the fridge, it hadn't changed position since nearly four years ago:
"SPENCER!" Ashley moved around her kitchen trying to find where the glasses were, when she had left for the studio that morning, they had been next to the fridge, in the eight hours she had been away someone seemed to have moved them and she had a feeling she knew who. "What?" she turned around seeing Spencer smiling at her from the other side of the kitchen counter her head tilted to the side, in one of her more adorable positions while clothed. "Where are the glasses?" Spencer walked around opening the cupboard on the far side and taking out a glass and passing it to Ashley. "Why is it there?" Spencer smiled and kissed the brunette loving on the lips
"I thought I would sort this place out, I mean it is just our place now" Ashley nodded squinting her eyes suspiciously at her girlfriend "Yes it is. So you thought you would make this clear by hiding my glasses"
"No, of course not, but it makes more sense for them to be over there, they are next to all the other cups" Ashley looked around the kitchen assessing that that was indeed true "Yes, but they are for Coffee, which is over there, glasses are for juice which is over here" she tilted her head in the direction of the fridge and Spencer looked down sheepishly, Ashley started to feel a little guilty for pointing this out, she had never known guilt quite like that of when she hurt Spencer, from the major things to little things like this, she worried sometimes that she would do anything to waylay this feeling and make that girl smile adoringly, so she gave in. "I see your point though, keeping them all together makes sense, at least I will know where to put them when I have finished washing up" Spencer laughed knowingly "What?" one eye brow raised questioningly at Ashley "You haven't washed up once since I have been living here" Ashley scoffed at the accusation "I have too" Spencer rolled her eyes and began to walk away "The first week does not count, and I am still sure that was mostly Kyla covering for you" Ashley crumbled to herself then turned around fixing herself a drink "Not washed up. HA. I wash up all the time, moving my glasses…Hey" she was hit squarely on the back of the head by something soft and cloth like, she looked at the offending material and realised it was a top, she looked up at Spencer who was standing there in only her underwear "Are you going to stand there grumbling all day or are you going to show me how much you missed me" Ashley gulped her juice and ran over to her girlfriend.
She smiled at the memory Spencer had always known how to cheer her up, she looked around her apartment realising she hadn't felt this alone in quite sometime, she put the glass down and made her way out of the apartment. She needed company tonight.