Thursday, 9th July, 1981

Hyde's boots felt heavy and again he was struggling to breathe. He felt a tug on his arm, directing him to make his way out of the pew, but those fuckin' heavy boots made it impossible for him to move. It was all a dream. It had to be a dream. Eric, Kelso, Fez and Cassidy's brother were not standing in front of him holding a tiny white casket. His little baby was not lying motionless inside the casket. It couldn't be real.

It had to be a dream.

And he wanted to wake the fuck up.

"Hyde come on," Cassidy said pulling on his hand. He looked down at her tear stained face, and watched as her bottom lip trembled, but he couldn't move let alone comfort her.

A familiar song suddenly filled the church, the lyrics spinning round Hyde's already scrambled head and putting his mind into overdrive.

There are places I'll remember

All my life, though some have changed

Some forever, not for better

Some have gone, and some remain

All these places have their moments

With lovers and friends I can still recall

Some are dead and some are living

In my life, I've loved them all

The Beatles. The fucking Beatles.

That song of all songs they had to go and chose, forever etching it in Hyde's brain as the song his three best friends carried his son out of the church to. Why couldn't they have picked one that he'd never hear again? A hymn or something? He never came to church so the chances of hearing a hymn again were slim to none. But the Beatles...well, he fucking loved the Beatles.

And those words...in my life, I've loved them all, had always made him think. Hyde had only truly loved two people in his life; one of them he was burying today, and the other one he had been forced to give up in order to be a part of his son's life.

He had looked for her today. When Mrs Forman had read her eulogy all about how Johnny must've been needed as a special angel in heaven, Hyde had discretely scanned the packed church to see if she had come.

She hadn't.

If she had of Hyde knew she would've sat right at the back, protecting herself from Cassidy and the glares that would've been thrown her way. But she wasn't there and her absence hurt. She must've known what had happened by now; Donna surely would've rung her. Maybe she just didn't care anymore. Maybe she had finally decided enough was enough. He closed his stinging eyes and imagined that the hand currently holding his was hers and he squeezed it a little. The hand squeezed back and just for a moment he felt calm and allowed a small smile to creep across his face. But he was all too quickly dragged back into reality by the sound of Cassidy's voice.

"They're waiting for us, come on Hyde."

He opened his eyes and glanced at the pallbearers patiently standing, each with a hand clasping a silver handle on the small casket. They were all focused on the door leading out to the carpark and the waiting hearse. He had to go. He had to move his feet and get this over with.

Red lowered his head so it was right next to Hyde's ear and quietly encouraged him. "You can do this son."

The old man's words provided Hyde with the strength he needed and he slowly followed Kelso and Fez behind the casket. Kitty clung to his right arm, openly sobbing, while Red, W.B, Bob and Donna walked directly behind them. He was surrounded by people who cared about him, but he no longer had the two people he loved more than life and it was killing him inside.

But of all these friends and lovers

There is no one compares with you

And these memories lose their meaning

When I think of love as something new

Though I know I'll never lose affection

For people and things that went before

I know I'll often stop and think about them

In my life, I love you more

Hyde did, or had, loved his son more than anybody else in the entire world. The honour once reserved for a certain brunette cheerleader was bestowed on Johnny the moment the screaming little bundle entered the world. His piercing blue eyes, his chubby little thighs, the smattering of white blonde hair on his head, were enough incentives for Hyde to finally let go of the girl who had owned his heart. It hadn't been easy letting go of her, and a couple of times he'd questioned his decision, but every time Johnny smiled, or cooed, or laughed Hyde had been reassured that what he'd done was for the best.

But now Johnny was gone. He had become a memory.

A painful one.

Dropping Cassidy's hand, Hyde watched as his friends guided the casket into the back of the hearse and he tugged on his shirt collar. He was doing that a lot lately. Why couldn't he fucking breathe? It was as if the hot summer air was smothering him slowly and if that was the plan he wished it'd just get it over with quickly, he didn't want a long drawn out process. He undid the top button of his shirt and loosened his tie a little as Eric, Kelso and Fez made their way over to him.

"You okay?" Eric asked as he shoved his hands in his pocket.

"Yeah I'm okay" Hyde lied.

Kelso slapped Hyde's back playfully, trying hard in his goofy, adolescent way to lighten the mood. He winked. "You wanna ride with us to the cemetery?"

Hyde smiled. He knew exactly what Kelso had in mind but while circle time had been a godsend yesterday his brain knew it couldn't handle it today. "Nah man, I'll drive Cass, meet you guys there."

The boys nodded and made their way to the Cruiser while Hyde unlocked the El Camino. He hopped inside and leaned over to the passenger door, unlocking it for Cassidy. It was the first time they'd been alone together since their baby had died and the smothering feeling Hyde was becoming accustomed to was returning in full force.

He wound the window down before starting the engine. "God it's hot."

Cassidy wiped her eyes and checked her reflection in the rear view mirror. "Yeah it is," she said as she wound her window down as well. "It was a lovely service don't you think? He would've liked it."

Hyde shrugged. "I guess it was okay. Dunno that a three month old would've 'liked it' though."

"You know what I mean Hyde. As far as funeral's go, it was nice."

Hyde drove the short distance to the cemetery avoiding making eye contact with his passenger. The Beatle's song was bugging him and although he new it could be the start of an argument he had to bring it up with her. "What was with that fuckin' song at the end man? Who chose that? Talk about ruin a great song."

Cassidy glared at him. "My mother did actually-"

"Should've known."

"My mother chose it because you were M.I.A all bloody night! You should've chosen the song like I asked you to. But no, our son dies and you go off with your stupid friends and leave me and my family to do all the work." Cassidy was huddled up next to the car door screaming at Hyde as he focused on the road. "Why won't you even look at me?"

He said nothing, and not because he didn't want to but because he actually didn't know what to say. He didn't know why he couldn't look at her.

"Hyde," her voice was calmer now as they entered the cemetery gates, "Are you coming home with me tonight?"

He parked the car and sighed. He was an asshole, that he knew, but he figured she deserved some honesty. "Probably not," he answered, both hands still gripping the wheel.

Cassidy let out a little sob before placing her hand on the door handle. "Where will you be?"

"Where I was last night...where I belong, in the Forman's basement."

...

Jackie pulled her Ford Pinto in behind a large station wagon and put the car into park. She was far enough away from the funeral to go unnoticed but close enough to see the sadness which seemed to darken Hyde's face. He was walking back to the line of cars with Donna at his side and a tear fell from Jackie's eye as she watched Donna slide her arm around Hyde's and lay her head on his shoulder. For a second Jackie contemplated running to him, to offer him her shoulder to cry on. Just the thought of him in her arms caused her heartbeat to accelerate but she pushed aside her own selfish feelings. Today wasn't about her needs. Today was about parents grieving for their son, neither of whom wanted her anywhere near them.

As Hyde and Donna reached the black Camino Jackie studied every movement her ex-boyfriend made. The way he placed his forehead onto the roof of the car and covered his head with his hands was something she'd never seen him do before. Her Steven had never suffered despair such as this. Her Steven was the one leaning against the car, thumbs in belt loops, smirk on face. He wasn't the guy hiding his face as a sobbing Donna gently rubbed his back and whispered consoling words in his ear. Jackie wiped the tears from her eyes as she realised that this Steven wasn't her Steven. This was Steven the dad. The Steven she never knew.

Not because she never wanted to know him, but because she wasn't allowed to know him anymore.

Jackie's wet eyes darted around the cemetery in search of the cause of her pain. Once she found her, cradled in the arms of her mother, Jackie didn't shift her gaze. Cassidy Wilson, the girl who'd finally ended the rollercoaster that was Jackie and Hyde. Some may argue she did it accidently, but Jackie knew Cassidy's motives had always been clear. The short blonde with the big boobs had wanted Hyde from the moment she'd moved to Point Place in the 10th grade. Unlucky for her though he had never noticed her, much preferring the company of the older, more sophisticated Jackie Burkhart. However, as Jackie had come to find out, Cassidy never gave up on landing Hyde and only needed one drunken night with him to get herself knocked up with his baby.

You bitch.

She felt bad cussing out a woman so obviously upset but Jackie couldn't help it, she hated the skank, and the feeling was mutual. It wasn't enough for Cassidy to ruin any hope of Jackie and Hyde having their happy ever after, but she'd gone so far as to destroy any remnants of friendship between the two. Hence why Jackie was sat crying in a stifling hot car in the middle of summer stalking a funeral.

Her wide eyes narrowed as she watched Cassidy approach Hyde and put her arm around him, shoving Donna out of the way in the process.

God Donna grow a backbone!

Hyde didn't turn around to embrace his girlfriend and Jackie wasn't at all surprised. She knew deep down how he felt about Cassidy.

Lost in her own thoughts and stalking Jackie never noticed Kelso at her passenger window until he was banging his fist on the glass. She scowled as she leaned over and unlocked the door for him to get in.

"Geez Jackie why are you parked all the way over here," he asked as he closed the door and wound down the window. "Aren't you hot, it's like an oven in this car!"

Jackie rolled her eyes before locking them again on Hyde. "I'm watching from a distance Michael, so as not to upset anybody." There was a crowd around Hyde and Cassidy now and Jackie was struggling to see him.

"You should've just come to the funeral, you know he would've wanted to see you."

"No he wouldn't, he made that clear to me the last time we saw each other," Jackie said sadly as she watched Hyde turn around and hug Kitty. The love Kitty had for Steven always warmed Jackie's heart and she felt a small smile creep over her face.

At least he has her...

Kelso took his blue tie off and began to roll it up. "Hey, why don't you come to the Forman's for the food and drinking bit -"

"It's called a wake," Jackie interrupted.

"Wake...food, drink, whatever. Why don't you just come? Everyone wants to see you."

"She won't want to see me. You know that, I know that, Steven knows that. I want to be there for him Michael, more than anything in the world...but I can't do it. He left me for her -"

"For him."

Jackie looked at Kelso and noticed the tears forming in his eyes. Bringing her thumb to his face she wiped the small drops of moisture away and smiled. Michael always was a big softy, it was something she had always loved about him. The cheating thing was what she hated.

"He left me for them, and I have to respect that...even now. So Michael, you can't tell him you saw me okay? Promise me."

Kelso held her hand and brought it up to his lips. Kissing it he said, "I promise I won't say anything Jackie. But if you aren't gonna come to the Forman's then you really shouldn't stay sitting in here, it's like 200 degrees in this freaking car, you'll start melting soon."

"Thank you Michael," Jackie smiled. As the tall man winked and went to open the car door Jackie quickly grabbed his arm stopping him from exiting. "Wait," she said with wide eyes. "Tell me how he is."

Kelso sat back down in his seat and looked over at their friends by the Camino. "He's not good Jackie, our boys not good," he started, "he won't talk about Johnny, he won't talk about anything. He just sits there, saying nothing, staring off into space. We went to the water tower yesterday - had to get him outta the house y'know - we had a circle, drank some beers, and he didn't say a thing. It was weird man...it's like he's just given up..." Kelso's voice trailed off as Jackie's eyes left his face and settled on Hyde. She knew he'd be like this but had hoped against hope that he was at least trying to cope. She didn't want him to completely give up.

She put a hand on Kelso's shoulder. "Look after him for me," she whispered.

"We'll try Jackie."

As Kelso ran back over to the gang Jackie started the car and made a U-turn. Focusing on the road ahead she desperately tried to not look back at him. She had to leave him behind. She couldn't try to save him.

Could she?