Diary!

I am mortified . Absolutely and completely humiliated ! What was I thinking ? Oh, it was dreadful. Heaven knows I am not one to be embarrassed easily and I've taken lesser humiliation with my chin up and strong strides. Kill me now. I should fling myself from the window. Bury me in a hole somewhere. Good lord. How will I ever face him again? I cannot. I will not! Oh, death, please visit me and take me by the hand before I have to see him again for dinner! No, I cannot go to down for dinner. I shall take it here in my room. Yes, that is best. Our arrangement be damned!

To even think of writing how things transpired after my last entry- it's so hot. I'm sweating through my dress. Oh, my god. I'm drenched. Was I this sweaty in front of him as well? Add more to my chagrin why don't you, Belle. Foolish woman that I am! One moment whilst I remove myself from this infernal, Iron Maiden that is this corset!

That's better. Though freeing myself from the frivolous and lacey confines that I so willingly wore for his liege has done little to quell my shame, I do feel better now that I can breathe properly and I believe I can put it all into words. I might burn these pages later. So, it went like this…

I went down for lunch and ate quite contentedly as I waited for the bastard Searlus to arrive. He's been joining me for more meals than just our arranged dinners and I fully expected him to be there. I knew he was nearby and was disappointed that he did not meet me. So, after I finished my meal, I went to him. Every time I was sure I would catch up to him, I'd catch his cape disappearing around the corner. Was he avoiding me? Purposefully evading? A game, I thought so foolishly. I ran and finally found him ducking into the garden. I pretended to rush past but doubled back silently and searched for him. His goat-like horns were poking out from behind a bush and I stifled a victorious snigger. Carefully, I crept around and pounced on him!

"By the Heaven's, Belle!" He cried out in surprise as I tried unsuccessfully to tackle him to the ground. "You startled me!"

He tore my embrace from his person and stepped away from me as I giggled like a schoolgirl. I want to kill myself. Since when do I act like a schoolgirl ? Giggling like an idiot, more like!

"Did I? But don't you sense my presence as I do yours?" I questioned, still laughing like the stupid fool that I am.

He seemed uncomfortable. "You can sense me? That is new, is it not?" He turned away from me and went straight for the roses.

I realized he had not been playing a game as I had originally thought. This dampened my mood a bit but not as much as it would later, I should tell you! I was almost running in order to keep up with his long strides. Usually, he walked so leisurely in my presence and this was another warning I should have read, but did not, because I'm an idiot. Did I say that already?

"Somewhat new. I feel like I could always tell when you were around but as time passes, my sixth sense has become more precise." I beamed up at him, like a halfwit, and he didn't even spare me a glance.

"Interesting." That was it. That was all he said. He stopped to smell his blooming flowers and I could see his panther-like face relax some.

"Is something wrong?" I asked so innocently. Moron that I am.

"No." He seemed frustrated by the roses and moved on to the Gardenias.

I followed and decided this was as good a time as any to mention his sour moods being connected to my monthly, womanly woes. So, I took a breath, steadied my nerves and just prattled on like a squawking Magpie.

"I've noticed a pattern in regard to your mood swings, Searlus," I quipped. I gave him a chance to react and I was rewarded with a slightly offended expression. "Every month, for a week or sometimes a bit longer, you become more reclusive and your talent for brooding returns with a vengeance."

If he wasn't covered in fur, I would have seen him blanch. With an abrupt about-face, which made his cape billow right into my face, he continued his trudge through the garden. "I don't know what you mean," he practically growled at me with that grave, baritone voice of his.

"Let me elaborate."

"Please don't." He almost sounded like he was begging.

"You see," I ignored him, "I think, and this may be shocking to you, but I have noticed that it coincides with my-"

"Belle, please."

"My Red Tide, as it were." I was gratified when he was suddenly rooted in place and sighed heavily. I walked around and looked up to find him with his eyes shut tight. "You know what I speak of?"

"You insist?" He breathed, his warm, piney breath bathed my face as he visibly fought for patience.

I ignored him again, finding the situation too amusing. "My monthly visitor? My crimson tide ? Yes?"

His eyes finally opened and he stared down at me with his best, bored expression. "Yes, Belle, I understand your meaning quite well, in fact." Then he pushed past me before I could reply.

"I'm sorry," I said without an ounce of apology, "does the subject make you uncomfortable?"

"Yes."

His answer was so curt and resolute that my smile faded instantly. I felt a pang in my midsection. It was so hurtful. Then heat filled my eyes as my rage started to boil. How dare he make me feel inadequate for speaking of something that Mother Nature herself bestowed upon females. Stupid man. Stupid Beast. Stupid me , it turns out. I was so insulted that I ran before him once again and blocked his path.

"I thought you were more mature than this," I spat with as much venom as I could muster. I will admit, maybe my emotions may have taken the helm.

He was instantly shocked and his eyes grew wide. He collected himself and I could see his defence brewing in his look, but I did not let him speak. I stepped closer, I wanted to be nose to nose with him but he is so tall! I barely reach his breast but felt taller at that moment, I will say!

"You think you're so different from your fellow man, but this proves just how much man is still in there!" I poked and angry finger into his black, furry chest with almost every spiteful word. "You misogynistic brute!"

He was clearly and truly offended now. "Is that so?" I could hear a rumbling in his chest. He growled in earnest.

"It is."

He straightened up as if he wasn't already towering over me and puffed out his chest. He pushed forward, forcing me to retreat. "I have treated you as an equal, regardless of your status, sex or gender, of that I am sure! Ungrateful woman."

"HA! There it is again!" I pointed a finger at his nose. "Using 'woman' as if it's some derogatory word!"

Searlus rolled his eyes. "I did not."

"Did too."

He was getting angry and frankly so was I. "I did not ."

"DID TOO!"

A vicious snarl escaped him. "WHY DO YOU CONTINUE TO PESTER ME?!"

I must have dropped my guard completely because his face instantly fell and turned panicky. My hands shot to the pain in my gut. I whipped around and fled, hot tears beginning to build in my eyes.

"Belle, wait!" I heard him scream, concern etched in his voice.

It didn't matter how fast I could run, he caught up and grabbed my arm to stop me. It was the first time he had ever touched me. He had only ever waited for me to initiate any kind closeness or familiarity. Especially when it came to touching. So, of course, this was unexpected and when I gazed angrily at his large paw wrapped around my arm, he released me as if he'd touched a hot iron.

"Please-" he began, but I would not let him finish. I didn't care how wounded he looked, crouched before me in order to look into my eyes.

"I pester you, do I?" I interrupted.

"No, I-"

"That's what you said."

"I didn't mean it. You know that I…" His mouth fell open but no other words came out. He seemed like he'd seen a ghost.

"You what?" I challenged.

"Well, I, uh, I c-care for you, of course. I enjoy your company, very much, you must know that."

"And how am I supposed to know?" I shrugged my shoulder and frowned dramatically.

"You want for nothing, do you not?" He defended. "And-and I grant you everything that you ask!"

" Not. Everything."

He withered visibly and brought a paw to his face. "Please, let us not discuss that again. I cannot let you-"

"Fine. Let us not discuss that but let us discuss this ! Why do you shun me? It was obvious you were trying to evade me and then you say I pester you-"

"I swear, you do not pester me-"

I raised my hand to shut him up and continued my rant. "I thought you were empathic. That you were feeling my distress during this awful time of the month, and that you would be willing to talk about it. I felt bad for you. Blamed myself for your sleepless nights and your misery. When I try to confront and offer you comfort, you shun me! Treat me lesser than because you can't talk about something as natural as menstruation! If you think I would tie myself to such an immature lout now, think again!"

He shrunk into himself even more and seemed to have a war within. He raised both hands to his head and held it as if it were going to explode. I realized too late what I had just said. I implied I was willing to tie myself to him! As if I had ever entertained the idea that I would marry him, not that he'd asked. I suppose we are courting after all- but nevermind that!

"Of course, you are not lesser than," he thankfully interrupted the awkward moment, "and the topic of-of… well, blood or menstruation does not bother me. My mother was very adamant that I receive the highest education possible. I am well versed in biology, in fact. I'm even curious about how you personally experience it."

This time, I rolled my eyes. I crossed my arms and tapped a foot with impatience but I let him continue.

He cleared his throat uncomfortably. "It's just…" he rubbed a clawed paw through his dark mane and seemed very anxious and apologetic. Embarrassed even. "You smell," he mumbled almost to himself.

It was like a blow to my head. "What?" I whispered, utterly stunned.

"I can…" he sighed heavily. "I can smell you."

"Oh." I had no idea what else to say. What could I have said? I was slowly spiralling into the abyss of monumental mortification of the likes no one on this earth has ever experienced! And suddenly it all made sense. His running from me and diving head first into flowers! I. Smell. "Oh."

I vaguely remember excusing myself and no memory at all of how I came to my room. And there it is. There it is. Now, I'm going to bathe and scrub the pungent stench of menstrual blood from my person. Then I'm going to crawl into my bed and stay there until judgement day. That is all. Farewell.

An Utterly Foolish and Smelly Woman,

Belle