Pansy cursed, loudly, turning the heads of several people around them.
"Is this a joke?"
"No," Draco said. "This most certainly isn't."
"I'm actually speechless." She stared at Draco in disbelief. "Why… why would you... this is… NO!"
"Come on, Pans." He stared straight back at her, "It'll be something different. I'm sure that we'll all enjoy it."
"Enjoy it?" She spluttered. "Enjoy it? What the hell is wrong with you? There is no possible way we'll enjoy it. It will be awkward and uncomfortable, and we'll see things that we'll never be able to unsee." She shook her head and shuddered, "And when it's over, we'll have to drown ourselves in more alcohol than there is on the planet to forget it ever happened!"
Draco snorted and watched as Pansy's face screwed up in disgust. He didn't blame her, the scene in front of them was abysmal.
They'd rounded the entrance to the wedding venue only to freeze in shock. The thought of the old industrial warehouse in Bermondsey had conjured images that had made Pansy shudder, but nothing could prepare any of them for what they'd found when they arrived.
Large shamrock arrangements arched over the door, interwoven with sprigs of lavender and pink roses. The combination gave off the same smell as the invitations had, and Draco found himself trying not to gag from the overwhelming stench invading his nostrils.
Inside, the room was littered with low benches and piles of pillows all in the same gaudy colours of green, lavender, and shocking pink. At one end of the room, a rainbow wedding arch stood, a pot of gold at each end with 'You're my pot of gold' written across it. The letters were enchanted to shimmer between pink and green, creating a ripple effect that induced nausea if looked at for too long.
Pansy was right, there was not enough alcohol on the planet to unsee the disaster that this wedding was going to be.
"Oh this is just - what were they thinking?!" Ginny stepped into the room gingerly, surveying the spectacle before her. "It looks worse than a cheap brothel."
Draco felt a hand on his back and turned just in time to see Hermione's jaw drop to the floor. He raised an eyebrow at her, barely holding back a smirk.
"Well, I should've expected it from the invitation, but only Lavender could have imagined this!" Hermione's eyes bulged as she noticed the tiny shamrocks, raining down on them from the enchanted ceiling.
"I need more vodka to survive this." Pansy said as she stalked off towards the bar.
"Not interested in hiring Lavender as an event planner for our next party, then?" Draco laughed at the look of horror on Hermione's face. "C'mon, let's go get a drink. Pansy's right, we're going to need a lot more alcohol to get through this. I heard whispers of Irish dancing."
Many of the guests had much the same reaction as they filtered through the door. Trying to settle themselves into the seating however proved difficult, with many finding they ended up practically lying down, struggling to preserve their modesty. And the closeness of whomever they were seated next to proved to be yet another level of discomfort.
Pansy was currently swearing like a sailor, as she found herself basically lying on top of Dean Thomas, the pillow arrangement rolling them both into the centre.
Draco was grateful that he and Hermione had found a two-seater bench on which to sit, thus keeping them away from Lavender's and Seamus' questionable relatives. Harry and Ginny had remained standing; Harry's disgusted refusal to 'sit on the fucking floor' had Draco chuckling.
"Wow, I didn't actually think it could get worse…" Hermione whispered to Draco, nudging him in the ribs as she nodded towards the door.
The Irish band in the corner had started up and people were rolling off pillows and scrambling to stand as Lavender entered the room, reclined on a chaise, carried by six men dressed as leprechauns. She waved to the guests as if she was the Queen as she passed. Draco had to stuff his fist against his mouth to stop a bark of laughter as he looked over to see Pansy throw her hand over her face in revulsion.
Lavender's procession led its way to Seamus who was dressed in an emerald morning suit, complete with top hat, beaming at his bride from under the arch.
As Lavender was lowered to the floor and clumsily stood, she paused for a moment to let the room take in her dress. She wore a baby blue, boat neck, princess ball gown that had a ruffle frill over the back, accentuating her large arse. The bust of the dress featured gemstones in the pattern of a 'L' and 'S' monogrammed in the centre.
This was quite possibly the tackiest wedding Draco had ever witnessed. Seamus and Lavender had literally taken almost every Irish stereotype and squashed it into their wedding, twisting it with Lavender's favourite colours of pink and purple. It made his eyes hurt.
A nervous silence descended as Lavender took her place next to Seamus, their hands joining, and a look of what no one could deny was anything but salaciousness exchanged between the two.
"I hope they wait for us all to leave before they rip their clothes off." Draco whispered in Hermione's ear as they seated themselves back on their bench. She slapped his arm but he could see her laughing behind her hand and chuckled.
"Oh, for fuck's sake," Harry muttered from behind them, and they both refused to turn to look at him for fear they would burst into fits of laughter.
The officiant had stepped out from behind the large floral display that was serving as a backdrop to the hideous rainbow. And he, like the men who had carried Lavender into the room, was also dressed as a leprechaun - buckled boots, short pants, red beard, and all.
"Top o' the evening to ye'," The accent that emanated from him was thicker than Seamus' and Draco wasn't the only one in the room who cringed. "Let's get yers married."
"Do you think he's going to get through this without any… issues?" Ginny leaned over and whispered to them both. "He's enjoying Lavender's boobs a little too much, I think."
Hermione shook her head; Ginny was right. As if this farce couldn't get any worse, the officiant was staring directly at Lavender's chest, and those short pants were a little too tight to hide what he was really thinking.
And their vows were equally as farcical.
"I, Seamus, take you Lavender, to be me wife. You really put the ring in purring and so I promise to love you in all ways, to cherish your mind and worship yer body." Seamus smirked, clearly thinking he was the funniest man on the planet as he slid the ring onto her finger.
"I, Lavender, take you Seamus to be my husband. I promise to adore you every day, to honour your soul and devour your body, 'til debt us do part." She smiled coyly up at him, licking her lips as she, too, slid her ring for him onto his hand.
"I now pronounce ye, husband and wife. Boyo, kiss yer bride!" The officiant clapped his hands together, still grinning at Lavender's boobs.
Seamus took his new wife, bent her back and thrust his tongue directly into her mouth. At the moment their lips met, the pots at the end of the rainbow arch began shooting gold confetti over the couple.
The scattered groans around the room were barely concealed as the kiss went on and on. Hermione had to bury her face in Draco's shoulder at Ginny's louder than appropriate curse, as Seamus' hand gave Lavender's breast a firm squeeze.
Only the bride and groom's mothers seemed oblivious to the horror show in front of them. Tears of joy were streaming down each of their faces as Seamus' mother declared that Lavender was the 'definition of pure radiance,' at the same moment Lavender's mother pronounced that Seamus was the 'gentleman her daughter so deserved.'
"For the love of Merlin, get off!"
Draco looked over to see that Dean had fallen on top of Pansy in his attempt to stand and was now being rather harshly kicked off her. He went over and helped the Gryffindor to his feet before extending a hand to Pansy. "Come on, before you start drawing all the attention."
"Hah! As if that could happen in the middle of this mess. Who does Lavender think she's kidding wearing blue? In Irish tradition, it symbolises purity - that girl hasn't been pure since fourth year when I caught Weasley plowing into her in the girl's bathroom on the second floor. I could hear Myrtle screeching from down the corridor, stuck my head in to see what was going on, and then… Ugh, I need another drink. What's stronger than vodka?"
If they all had thought the ceremony was bad, they were in for a shock when the reception got started.
The traditional Irish band had long ago fled the scene, and in its place a DJ had set up and was pumping out bassy tracks that left the dance floor glaringly empty. The bride and groom were conspicuously absent; the guests who had decided it would be impolite to leave so early occupied themselves with the free bar, trying not to think about it.
Suddenly, the music fell silent and the lights dimmed.
"Oh, Merlin, now what?" Draco was growing impatient with this travesty of a wedding. It was like being trapped in a circus.
Bright spotlights centred on the dance floor, highlighting Padma and Parvati. The two bridesmaids were still dressed in their evergreen dresses, textured pink roses covering —
"Oh god, Gin, the lights. Look at what it's doing to their dresses." Hermione nudged her friend, biting her lip to stem the laughter.
The girls' dresses had turned translucent with the bright lights shining on them, their modesty only protected by the roses that wrapped around their body in what Hermione saw was strategic placement.
A beat started thumping and the twins began wiggling their hips in time to the music. The lights moving in time to the music created a cheap nightclub atmosphere. As the tempo built, the girls began moving towards the guests, gathering them around the dance floor in a semi circle.
The music stopped again and the room plunged into darkness.
"The party don't start 'til I walk in," Lavender's screeching voice came out over the speakers.
Hermione couldn't help the loud laugh that escaped. "It's a Muggle song… Oh this is going to be brilliant!"
A green spotlight lit up the middle of the dance floor, and Seamus was there, sitting on a chair. His shirt had several buttons missing, his jacket was apparently lost, and his hair was sticking up in all directions. He even had lipstick smeared all over his neck.
A remixed version of Kesha's 'Tik Tok' began playing, and the other end of the semi circle lit up in purple and pink lights.
Lavender was swaying her hips, still in her wedding dress, eyes locked with Seamus.
'Trying to get a little bit tipsy'
Lavender's head lolled in a circle Hermione assumed was supposed to be sexy, before she ripped the skirt of her dress off, throwing it towards Seamus.
"Oh Merlin…" Harry put his hands over his eyes as Dean Thomas let out a loud "Whoop" from the other side of the room.
Lavender was now standing in the top half of her dress and a deep green mini skirt, decorated with the same textured roses as the bridesmaids' dresses. She began strutting towards Seamus, trying to sashay her hips as she licked her lips in the same manner as a dog licks its dinner from its nose.
She reached Seamus' chair and thrust her foot between his legs, bending over, revealing her lack of underwear to half the guests, whilst the other half got an eyeful of her boobs.
'Boys trying to touch my junk, junk'
Lavender spun around and ground her arse into Seamus' crotch.
"Awh yeah, Lav! Give it t'me!" Seamus gleefully shouted as he grabbed her arse, giving it a little smack as she walked away. He shuffled in his seat, rubbing his crotch with his hand as he did so.
'Don't stop, make it pop'
The remaining top part of Lavender's wedding dress flew off and landed on Anthony Goldstein's face. Dean made a grab for it, sniffing the garment as he did so. Hermione felt bile rise in her throat.
Lavender was left standing in a strapless leprechaun costume, the silk material stretching across her chest, clearly too small and making her breasts practically spill out. The buttons down the front were charmed, glittering shamrocks spinning in separate directions making Hermione sway slightly if she looked too long.
'You got me now'
Lavender suddenly dropped down into a deep squat and spread her legs, baring herself to them all.
"RIGHT! THAT'S IT - I'M OUT!" Pansy shouted before practically running out the door, with Draco, Hermione, Harry, Ginny and a long line of guests hot on her heels.
"Did that really happen?"
Hermione and Draco were at Blaise's pub, sitting at the bar, both looking stunned as they retold Blaise the events of the evening.
"If I see another fake leprechaun ever again, it'll be too soon," Draco said with a shake of his head. "A real leprechaun wouldn't have touched that fiasco with a hobbit foot."
"I'm not sure why you're both so shocked," Blaise poured two more drinks and placed them in front of his shell-shocked friends. "You're aware of whose wedding invite you accepted."
Draco downed the scotch in one go and shuddered. "We're well aware. However, none of us expected to see as much of Lavender as she was willing to show us."
Blaise paused as he refilled Draco's glass. "What?"
"Oh, it was quite the show she gave us," Hermione chimed in. "Quite. The. Show."
"So, it was the worst wedding of the year?"
Hermione spun around, immediately recognising the voice.
"Charlie?" She stood and engulfed him. "What are you doing here?"
He returned her hug, "Oh, I hear this is the place to be seen, so I thought I'd give it a shot."
He nodded at Blaise and then shook Draco's hand, the pair exchanging a look that Hermione didn't miss.
"Oh, you're here to talk about work, aren't you?" She resumed her spot at the bar and rolled her eyes. "Dragon scales or blood?"
"Neither," Charlie said with a laugh. "I came back to see a friend, that's all, and was told all about this place. So I thought I'd take a look."
Draco sat back down and Charlie took the empty barstool on the other side of her.
"No work talk, I promise," Draco kissed her cheek. "Although, Charlie did recently catch a Peruvian Vipertooth…"
Hermione spun on her seat to stare at Charlie. "How… When… How?"
"Six weeks ago. And it took a fair amount of luck," Charlie told her, and thanked Blaise for his drink. "I'm surprised Draco didn't tell you sooner."
She turned on Draco, who had narrowed his eyes at Charlie. "You knew?"
"I make potions, remember? I need to know if rare ingredients become available."
"Charlie doesn't kill dragons." She said pointedly making Charlie laugh.
"Well aware. But this one had just shed scales, and Charlie managed to draw some blood from it."
"Shed scales?" Hermione could barely keep her excitement in check. "So it's a juvenile vipertooth then?"
"You're too smart, darlin'." Charlie winked at her and grinned.
Draco's fingers found the back of her neck, and a shiver ran down her spine. The shift was subtle, but Charlie's innocuous gesture had Draco's possessive side rearing its head. She leaned back into him, silently reassuring him that her schoolgirl crush on Charlie was just that; a crush.
Draco finished his drink and placed the glass heavily back on the bar — a clear indication that he was annoyed.
"Sorry to cut this short, but…" his fingers pressed firmly against her skin. "Are you ready?"
Hermione nodded and stood. "Good night, Charlie."
He grinned, looking past her to Draco, "I'm hoping it is."
She missed the smirk that crossed Draco's face, and looked at Charlie in confusion when he followed them up the stairs.
"Are you staying here, Charlie?"
"Possibly." He said with a short nod.
"What—?"
Draco stopped at the door that read B3 — the best room, Blaise had told them — and pulled her to him. "Hermione, you told me you didn't think you were adventurous, and you somehow believe that you're less because you think you haven't had any out of the ordinary sex." He cupped her face and kissed her. "You asked me if I'd ever been with two women at once…"
Hermione's eyes grew wide as comprehension dawned on her. She turned her head slowly to look over her shoulder at Charlie, who was leaning against the wall with his hands in his pockets.
"You have a decision to make," Draco turned her around to face Charlie and slipped his arms around her waist. "You and I can go in there — just the two of us — and as always, I will devour you." He kissed the side of her neck. "Or we can invite Charlie to join us, and you can experience your every fantasy."
Her fingers dug into Draco's arm. "Why didn't you tell me before we got here?"
Draco chuckled against her shoulder. "Because you would have spent too many hours over-analysing why you should or shouldn't do this."
Hermione stared at Charlie, who pushed away from the wall and moved to stand in front of her.
"Draco's right," Charlie lifted his hand to cup her jaw and ran his thumb across her lip. "You would have talked yourself out of this. But you can still say no, and I'll walk away. No hard feelings."
She felt her heartbeat quicken at the thought of them both. Her schoolgirl crush on Charlie still had life it seemed, and the thought of seeing them both naked and devouring her was enough to convince herself that she definitely wanted to invite Charlie into their room.
"Draco, are you sure?"
"Hmm," he hummed against her shoulder. "Am I sure I want to watch you shatter on both of us, filled completely? Absolutely, I am. I want to hear your pleasure as I give you this."
Charlie stepped closer, his mouth hovering close to her ear. "It's been my dream to taste you since the first time I saw you." His fingers ran down her arm. "What do you say Hermione? Will you let me be a part of your fantasy?"