Scott Pilgrim
About to fight some guy
Scott is greeted by a Ups person, carrying two cardboard boxes. The man looked about 19, with scrawny limbs and curly red hair poking out from the sides of his hat. He was dressed in shorts and a short sleeved shirt, all with the Ups logo plastered over them. "Mr. Scott Pilgrim?" the Ups guy asks, his voice high pitched and slightly nasally. Scott nodded. "Sign here sir." He said, handing Scott a clipboard and a simple black pen. Scott skimmed the papers, saw the sender was UAA and signed on the dotted line. The guy put the clipboard away and handed Scott the first box. "Here is your official UAA kit. Complete with a license to kill, a UAA credit card, a free t-shirt and mouse pad, an electronic map, and a complementary 1 up."
"Awesome... what's in the second box?" he asks, pointing to the delivery man's second box (nick cage face), still tucked under his arm.
"Oh this box?" the guy says, holding the box out in front of him. Scott nodded. "Oh, nothing really. just... YOUR DEATH!" He screamed, tearing open the top and reaching in with one hand, while flipping his hat backwards with the other. His expression changes from creepy smile to awkward leer as he digs through the box "Uh, yeah. this is actually your box... that one I gave you is kinda the... yeah... musta mislabeled them..." He drops the box to the ground and the t-shirt and a few bubble wrapped baggies fall out. He takes the box Scott is dumbly holding and removes the top. He whips out two pistols from the box and aims right at Scott's chest.
Scott screams a totally manly war cry while pulling a daring tactical retreat, running back into the house and sliding behind the counter as the unbelievably inaccurate gunfire misses by mere inches, slamming into the walls and floor around him. The ups man curses as his guns click empty. He tears open his shirt, revealing a black combat Jacket with ammunition pouches, grenades, and knives. "WHAT THE HELL DUDE?! MY LANDLORD IS GONNA FREAK! JUST WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!" Scott shreiks, peeking his head out from aroud the kitchen counter.
"Relax dude, this game doesn't have destructive environment, remember?" the ups ,man says, motioning to the unscuffed floor and walls. Scott gave a short "heh." and raised his eyebrows befor the man spoke again. "and if you read my hat you'd know that I am 'DEATH DELIVERY', the 8 greatest assassin in the world and runner up for Ups Toronto employee of the month!" He raised his guns again and fired. Scott yelped and retreated, drawing the "Power of Understanding" (read the graphic novel) from his inventory. The guns clicked empty again and Scott jumped up from his hiding spot and charged... out the back door and into the yard. Death Delivery (DD for short now, because I'm lazy) sighed and chased after him, shoulder bashing through the screen door before it closed.
Scott tried to vault over the shoulder high wood fence, but slammed face first into the invisible wall, falling back into his yard. "DAMN YOU DEVELOPERS! DAMN YOU AND YOUR DEUS EX MACHINAS!" He roared before turning around to see DD frowning, pointing his guns at him.
"C'mon man, your the number 7 assassin, fight me for god sakes! stop being such a pussy and just throw a hit!" He whined,
"You have GUNS!" Scott shouted back, running to the other side of the yard.
"You have a sword!" replied DD, firing another volley. Scott rolled out of the way of the barrage, but caught a stray in the abdomen. Blood splattered out of the... now mysteriously closed wound.
"OW! THAT REALLY... Kinda hurt? Huh, I thought getting shot would be a little more painful... huh. I guess I was being KIND of a drama queen." Scott rubbed where the bullet had hit, without even a scratch on him. He then turned his attention to DD, who cracked a smile while reloading his guns. Scott charged him, sword drawn, head first. just as DD cocked the hammer back Scott slammed his sword into the middle of DD's bullet proof vest, slamming him back against the wall and cutting a deep gash in the black Kevlar. Scott swung a hard haymaker at DD and sent him flying into the corner of the yard, rolling twice before bashing into the wooden fence. Scott charged him again and swung hard right with his sword, but was blocked by DD's expertly timed knife. DD proceeded to kick Scott back before sheathing the knife and pulling his guns back out.
Scott hopped to his knees and raised his sword as the bullets came at him. (WARNING! DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME!) He expertly swung and swatted the rounds out of the air, the hot lead skipping and bouncing on the grass behind him as they were deflected off Scott's blade. When DD's guns ran empty a fourth time (It's a video game... novel... story... thing. Repetition is needed to give fairness to the player!) Scott planted his sword in the ground and ran at him bare handed, a wicked smile growing on him. He punched DD across the face before combo-ing a few hits to the gut, and finishing with a roundhouse that sent him flying across the yard and slammed him into the back wall of Scott's house. He wheezed as he tried to stand, drawing a combat knife from his vest.
Scott cared not for knives! He was consumed by a feeling of... euphoria! His eyes dilated and his heart beat like a revving motor as he charged into battle. DD swung at Scott with the knife, but whiffed clean over him as Scott ducked and head butted him, smashing him back into the wall. DD swung down hard but Scott sidestepped and landed a hard blow to the back of his head, knocking his hat off and exposing his curly red hair. DD attempted to pimp slap Scott away, just to catch his breath a bit, but Scott wasn't having any of that! He caught his wrist mid flight and slammed his other palm into DD's elbow, nearly breaking his arm backwards and causing him to yelp in pain.
Scott's eyes glowed red as he chucked his human punching bag across the lawn, landing him right next to Scott's massive sword. Scott Strode over triumphantly and pulled his sword out of the ground, while DD got to his knee's and scramble for his gun. Scott cackled and swung down, the sword tearing through the Kevlar, skin, muscle, and bone like it was tissue paper, cutting down though his shoulder, into his chest, and all the way down to his belt buckle.
Death Delivery screamed in pure agony, and Scott's smile faded, his eyes returned to normal, and he was left with a puzzled expression as blood spewed onto his face and a red puddle formed on the grass. Scott was now screaming too, his eyes filled with horror at what he had done. "WHY?! WHY SCOTT?! COULDN'T YOU KILL ME IN ANY LESS PAINFUL WAY AUAUAGHHHH?!" DD screamed, trembling in pain as blood continued to pour out of him.
Scott stumbled back, falling onto his arse as he let go of the sword, still fully embedded into his enemies ribcage. "I DUNNO! SOMETHING CAME OVER ME! WHY HAVEN'T YOU EXPLODED INTO COINS YET!"
"AUAUAGH! WHY THE FUCK WOULD I TURN INTO COINS?! WHAT CRAZY FAIRY TALE WORLD DO YOU LIVE IN?! AAAAGHGH!" He shakily brought his hand up and tore the pin out of the grenade on his vest. With a gasp he flicked the spoon off. Scott gave a great "NOO-!" before the resulting explosion catapulted him backwards and through the screen door in a blast of fire, gore, and grass (What? all environments can be destroyed in a cut scene.) Scott cough and moaned, getting to his feet as the dust settled. His face turned green and bile welled up in his throat as he looked at the yard. DD's Lower body was still on it's knees, blood dropping out slowly in fat streams. his upper body was scattered in pieces around the yard, piles of it everywhere. Scott's sword was embedded into the wall a good foot. Lastly, with a dull thud, DD's head landed at Scott's feet, his eyes still wide with shock and his mouth still agape, silently letting out his last scream.
Scott turned away, tears welling up in his eyes. "Oh God" he thought "I killed him... and... I kinda liked it... oh.." he opened up his eyes and saw feet, well, more specifically well made Italian loafers, with feet (presumably) inside them. Scott raised his head and saw three men.
The fancy shoe man was thin, well dressed, had thin spindly limbs and a long thin face, a well maintained mustache and comb over, and lastly a blood red handkerchief in his breast pocket. The other two men were bigger, burlier, and carried weird pack on their backs and vacuum-y things in their hands. The suited man spoke first, with a devilish French accent "Ah, good show Monsieur Pilgrim! You have defeated your first adversary and defended your rank! I must say, I am a wee bit surprised as you really don't seem the killer type. BUT, zee's results speak for zemself, ah?"
Scott gazed dumbly as the two other guys strode passed him into the back yard. "Uh, hi. Who are you?" Scott asked.
"Gasp, where have my manners gone! I apologize profusely Monsieur Pilgrim. I am René Chauvin, vice president of the Canadian branch of zee UAA. I always come firsthand when high up UAA battles are being waged, so naturally I followed Mr. Devlin to here and now, here I be!" He said, lighting a cigarette that Scott hadn't even notice him drawing or putting in his mouth. "So Monsieur Pilgrim, When shall I schedule zee next fight?"
Scott didn't think for more than a second when he replied "Never. I'm not going to do this anymore."
Chauvin nearly broke out laughing, but managed to hold it in and merely chuckle a bit. "Silly Scott-y! You cannot just up and LEAVE zis game! You have to fight! You have to win! Now zen, when will it be? I promise, I'll even throw in a discount for being a good sport." he said, pinching Scott's cheek. Scott Swatted René's hand away, making René give a slight harrumph. The two men passed Scott again and walked out the door. "Fine zen. But be warned monsieur Pilgrim, Zey shall come for you, and shall keep coming for you until you are dead and zey have your rank. With zat, I bid you, adue ." He said venomously, giving a slight box before leaving through the front door, closing it behind him.
Ramona walked into the room, headphones in at full volume. She pulled them out when she noticed Scott "Hey, what's u- OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPEND TO THE DOOR!" she said, just noticing the screen door was lying crumpled up in the missle of the floor.