Soft, gentle hands closed around mine, and I knew the warmth of a mother. Thor was always lucky. I loved Frigga like she was my own mother, but I never wanted to intrude on the royal family. Still, I could not deny the years that they raised me before Aaldir took me in. While Odin never rejected me, he never accepted me as one of his own either. There was a fear I felt in him whenever he looked at me, like my existence disturbed him in some way. However, Frigga accepted and embraced me as if I was her daughter. Even when Aaldir took me into his home, Frigga would often make visits to the outskirts of Asgard to visit, and she would always invite me to the palace. She trained me in the art of magic. However, the one thing I appreciated her most for was her love for...him. She loved him and trained him just as she trained me. She was my queen and the closest thing I ever had to a mother. I loved her unconditionally because she loved him unconditionally. And then there were my personal trials, moments of insecurity and fear when she stood by my side and kept each of my secrets locked away.
As her hands closed around mine, I felt the tears well up in my eyes, "my precious, precious child, there is so much pain in your heart. I wish for nothing more than to take it all away, but I cannot. How have you been feeling?" she asked as we stood in her private chambers. She had seen me fall before, like when he came home and the subsequent decisions I needed to make.
"I wish not to trouble you with my sorrows, my queen," I explained, feeling the warmth surround me for the first time in over a week. I hadn't even dared to go back home. Instead, I opted to stay the nights in the forest, singing to the animals and trees. When I could, I slept beneath the tree I always had. I felt guilty for not reaching out to Aaldir, the only father I ever knew. He lost the man he came to call his son, and I did nothing to ease his pain. I could not see him. I could not see those haunting eyes and know that I could've done something more to save Hjalmar. The guilt weighed me down and kept me away from my home. I could not help but think that it should have been me instead.
As if she could hear my thoughts, Frigga squeezed my hands firmly, "I am your mother before I am your queen. I raised you like you were my own. While you were not in the palace for long, you never left my heart, and I made sure I saw you every day. I cannot help but worry about you," she trembled. Her outburst left me speechless, so she placed her hand on the small of my back and led me to the balcony. It overlooked the Rainbow Bridge and the Bifrost. I felt my stomach lurch violently when I remembered all I had lost on that bridge.
Him.
She sat down on the railing of the balcony and urged me to do the same. I could not disobey her. I sat down and stared out at the beautiful city below the palace. I could feel the life and the joy. Just because my life felt like it stopped for the time being, all life went on around me, "this place is our home for only a time. There comes a day when we all pass on, but we never truly die as long as we live on in the hearts of those who still tell our stories. Hjalmar will never truly be dead until you allow him to die. The day you forget the joy and laughter he brought into your life is the day he will die. You have lost so much in your life, my young lady, but you must always remember that death is no respecter of persons. Death comes to each one of us. It has come for some of the people I have loved the most, but I know that it's my job to live my life in a way that would make them proud. You cannot dishonor his life and memory by allowing his death to break you down into nothing," she insisted in that soft and gentle tone.
I shook my head, tears welling up in my eyes, "it should have been me," I murmured as a lone tear streamed down my cheek, "it should have been me, but it wasn't. I should have protected him, but I didn't. I just want him back!"
"Oh, sweetheart. No, no, no," she breathed out, wrapping her arms around me in a warm embrace. I could finally feel the sorrow washing away little by little. Her arms always felt like a second home, but his were my first one. As I buried my head into her shoulder, she stroked my hair, combing her fingers through it. As soon as I managed to pull myself together, she tilted my head up. She brushed the tears from my cheeks, and her blue eyes pierced my green ones, "I want you to listen to what I'm about to tell you. You lived. You may not believe you were worthy to live, but you are. Be still and listen for a moment," she implored before falling silent herself.
Where the birds had once been singing their sweetest songs, it was quiet. There was nothing. The breeze did not sing to me. The voices of the people below on the streets of Asgard were not filled with the same life as they once were. When she motioned over to the plants on her balcony, I saw that the-once beautiful-flowers had wilted and turned black. I furrowed my eyebrows and glanced back over at her. She stood up but motioned for me to stay where I was. She walked over to the flowers, and I followed her with my eyes. As she plucked one of the wilted and blackened flowers from the vine, she spoke, "you still cannot see how life changes around you, how everything in your presence thrives when you are happy. You have not come to understand that you are unique in that you do not depend on life...life depends on you. Death is a part of this journey. Close your eyes," she urged after sitting down with me once more. I did as she said. She grabbed my hands in hers and placed the wilted flower in my palms before speaking again, "ever since there was life, there was death. Where there is hatred, there is love. Where there is sorrow, there is happiness. The most important thing is to find that balance. Feel his presence with you. Know that nothing truly dies, it simply retires for a little while only to return again when we need it most. Feel his energy that still surrounds you. Feel the balance," she murmured.
I silenced the doubts and the guilt in my heart. I silenced the voice that told me it should've been me who fell on Vanaheim. I listened to that small voice that I knew so well, the voice that belonged to the man who never left my side. My chest heaved, and my eyes shot open only to see Hjalmar. He stood before me, as glowing as ever. Long hair flowed in waves to the top of his waist. Hair as rich as the color of the farmland turned into golden strands at the tips. The thick facial hair couldn't cover up the grin on his full lips, and those grey eyes were warmer than ever before. I shook my head in disbelief that I could see him, but before I could make any remarks, he spoke, "I told you that nothing-not even death-could keep me away from you. I haven't lied to you before, so why would I start now?" he asked, reminding me of the promise he made me when we were still children.
Without hesitation, I threw my arms around his waist as I always had. I held him close, breathing him in, "am I dead?" I asked, pressing my cheek to his chest.
"No, but you are tapping into something extraordinary that not even you can understand. I have seen your sorrow, and I have watched you grieve. You think that this would have been easier if you were the one to fall in battle instead of me, but you have not seen what I have. I know that this was meant to be. I know that you are meant for something more," he assured me, tilting my head up to catch my gaze, "you have so much left to do, Eva. Besides, I wouldn't have been strong enough to go on without you, but you can live without me."
I shook my head, "I don't know if I can. I miss you so much!" I cried, tears falling from my eyes once more. They were slow and steady, and it was one of the very few times I ever allowed myself to shed tears in front of him. He was the closest thing to a brother I had, and you didn't cry in front of your brother unless you wanted him to try to beat up the youngest Prince of Asgard. Hence the reason why I cried so little in front of him.
He smirked, the sides of his eyes crinkling, "you should never miss me, Eva because I'm never far away. I've been by your side this entire time. You cannot see me, but when you feel the wind in your hair, when you feel the warm sunshine on your skin, when you hear the birds singing, know that I'm right by your side. I am a part of you just as you were a part of me, and just because one chapter ends doesn't mean the story is complete. You need to continue writing it until you come to a happy ending. But I haven't left you, Eva. I never will," he promised.
"I love you," I reminded him.
He smiled, pressing his lips to the top of my head before losing his height to rest his forehead against my own. My eyes squeezed shut as I swallowed the lump in my throat, "I love you even more. Now, open your eyes, Eva,"
When I did, I was back on the balcony with Frigga. I glanced down into my hands to see a pure white flower where the black one had once been. I glanced over at the vines on the palace to see white flowers where they had once been just like the one in my hand-black and dead. I could hear the birds singing again, and I could feel life's energy flowing through me once more. I felt renewed, but it wasn't without the weight of the loss still upon my shoulders. I was learning to make room for it, and while I could dwell on the sorrow death could bring, happiness came when I embraced the life around me. She smiled down at me, "you are the balance this world needs, Eva"
"I have voiced these concerns once before, my King," I pressed, frustrated that I had to do this all over again. I fought and bled for the throne, but it was as if he refused to see the sacrifices I made to protect the Nine Realms. I would continue to make the offer for as long as I was able. I glanced over at Thor and Frigga, who remained silent on either sides of Odin, "he has the potential to be dangerous, and his actions on Midgard were proof of how big a threat he can be. I feel that putting him in a cell surrounded by individuals with similar ideals is a recipe for disaster. It's just giving him time to think of a way out, and that anger he feels is fueled by the other angry individuals around him. As he has no contact with those of us who want the best for him, he doesn't have any positive energy surrounding him."
He leaned back on the throne, "what do you suggest we do?" he asked.
"What I've always suggested. Release him into my custody," I insisted.
"Absolutely not!" Odin boomed in a voice that echoed throughout the entire throne room, "do you even understand what you are asking? You are asking me to release an enemy of Asgard into the care of-"
I cut him off, which was something so few people had the nerve to do, but I was already overstepping the boundaries. Why not take it a hundred steps further? I spoke over him, "into the care of one of your best warriors!" I exclaimed, not wanting my voice to fall on deaf ears once again. I had brought up this issue a dozen times before, and I was going to get my way this time around. When the throne room fell absolutely silent, I sighed, "I know what I'm asking you to do. I know that I'm asking you to trust me, but you've placed a higher level of trust on me before, and I did not disappoint you. I have proven myself worthy of taking on a responsibility such as this. I've practiced magic with my queen, I've fought against Sif and Thor in the training grounds, and I helped bring him to justice once before. I have proven myself a strong warrior and a capable sorceress. If he were released into my custody, I believe I could truly change the path he's on, but I need you to have that same belief in my abilities," I stated.
"And what if he fought you?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.
I shrugged off his concern, impressed that I had made it this far without having me escorted out of the throne room. Often times, he would stand up and leave, but today, he was listening to me. I collected myself and answered him, "then, I would win."
"What if you didn't win?" he asked, imploring me to think of the possible scenarios.
I shook my head, an involuntary grin forming on my lips, "I don't lose," I answered, sure of myself and my abilities. I had fought him once before, and I won. What could stop me from doing it again?
"You don't lose, but neither does Loki. One of the only reasons why he did not fight you to the best of his ability is because-" he trailed off, knowing that it was still a sensitive spot for me. I knew why the God of Mischief didn't fight me like he could have. I knew why he refused to kill me when he had the chance, when the dagger was against my throat. I knew why he didn't kill me, and it was the same reason why I didn't hurt him. Instead of bringing it up, Odin continued, "Thor couldn't even stop Loki alone. It took a team of talented individuals to save Midgard, and you think that you-alone-could keep Loki under control?"
"Thor made the mistake of trusting him because he loves him. Thor refused to fight him because of his feelings. If you ask anyone, you'll know that I had no problem fighting him," I lied, remembering that day clearly, "I don't trust anyone anymore, and I don't love anyone anymore-not like I used to. I believe in life, and he poses a threat to the fabric of life itself. If you think that I trust him with the one thing I hold dear, you are very wrong. That's why I'm begging you to reconsider his sentence. If he is not shown a different path, he will get out of that cell, and he will avenge his mistreatment," I explained, trying to make him see that the prisoner in question would be a threat to life no matter what, but he would wreak more havoc if left in the dungeons than if he were released into my custody and shown a different way of life.
"I appreciate your concern for the safety of the nine realms, and I realize how prepared you are to take on this significant task. However, I cannot-in good conscience-surrender Loki into your care. While I have seen your skills in battle and with magic, I cannot underestimate Loki. He will stay in the dungeons for the rest of his days!" He exclaimed, not budging at all on his sentence. I wondered how many times I would have to bring it up before he would finally crack.
My heart seemed to plunge into my stomach as I felt defeated. There was little that I wanted more than to see him, to bring back the man he had once been. I glanced back up at my King, "then...at least let me see him," I tried to bargain.
He sighed, and I noticed Thor looking away with sorrow in his eyes. We both knew what was about to come. Odin spoke, "I admire your compassion for all living things, Lady Eva, and I will be forever grateful for the music that turns the landscape into gold. The forest, the gardens, and life itself are thriving like never before, and I owe that to you. You are kind and compassionate and willing to forgive, but Loki is not at all deserving of that. He has killed and maimed on Midgard, and his solitude is only a part of his sentencing. He deserves none of the goodness in this world or in your heart, and allowing you to visit him would show him that there are no true consequences for his actions," he explained, and I grimaced, "you look upon me like I am a monster for locking him up, but I have shown him mercy by-"
I cut him off, "you have shown him no mercy!" I snapped in a booming voice before turning on my heel. Before I walked away from the throne, I glanced over my shoulder at the stunned king, "and by keeping me from him, you have shown me no mercy either," I growled.
I stormed out of the throne room before he could say another word. He sat in a stunned silence as I walked away, unsure of whether or not I had just disrespected him. I did. I was angry, and I lashed out at the King of Asgard, the Allfather, the father of my best friend. I could've been exiled for that kind of behavior, but in the moment, I didn't care. It seemed far better than the alternative, which was just sitting around and waiting for something that would never happen. While I knew that what I was asking for was a lot of trust, I believed I deserved it. I earned more than enough trust from Odin to take him into my care. Besides, we would be under the ever-watchful eye of the King himself, so he didn't need to worry about him poisoning my judgement. I fought Odin's battles, and I lost so much of myself during them. I had killed, and I had felt the brush of death's fingertips against my own soul. I bled for the throne, and Odin refused to place any trust in me when I asked him to. He only did so when it was convenient for him.
I walked with purpose until I reached the entrance to the garden that sat directly across from the entrance to Thor's chambers. When I thought of the countless nights I had spent in the company of the God of Thunder, my breathing steadied. Whenever we weren't in the forest, we were in the garden or in his chambers. Nothing intimate ever happened between us because he knew that there was only one person who held my heart. That was why it rocked him to his core when he saw how easily and unapologetically that same person destroyed it. I walked down the stone steps and into the garden. The most beautiful flowers grew there. I reached out and stroked one of the petals, feeling the velvety soft texture beneath my skin. My eyes fluttered closed, and I could feel the life within the flower. I inhaled the smell of the flowers, and I noticed the vibration of someone behind me. Frigga. I turned around, glancing at my queen as she spoke, "you know, my husband banned everyone from visiting Loki, and that includes me," she stated.
I lowered my eyes, unable to gaze into those understanding and empathetic ones that she always wore. I felt so guilty for putting her in a situation like the one I did. I was just one of his friends of the past, but she still considered him her son. I behaved as if my needs were the only ones that were not being met, and I was wrong to ignore the feelings and needs of my queen, "I am aware, and I apologize for overstepping my boundaries, my queen," I apologized.
She chuckled, "you didn't, my little princess," she murmured, cupping my face in her hands and catching my gaze with her eyes, "you care-you truly care-about my son, and you are looking out for both his best interests and the best interests of the realm. If you don't think I share your same concerns, you are deeply mistaken. I have spoken to my husband time and time again about the dangers of keeping Loki in the dungeons, but he refuses to listen. He cannot understand because he cannot bring himself to love Loki anymore, but I still do...you still do," she noted, a twinkle in her eyes that hadn't been there since the day she had caught me braiding his hair in the forest. There was only one other time that I had gotten a glimpse of that look, and it was after she came out of her chambers with him. They had been in there for quite some time, and after he came out and stood by my side, she had tears in her eyes and spoke with a lump in her throat. He told me that they were talking about me. When I questioned him as to what he said, all he told me was that he was laying out some plans with Frigga. I didn't know what he meant then, nor did I care much of it now.
I opened my mouth to argue against what she said, but she spoke before I could, "look me in the eyes and tell me that you do not harbor feelings for him anymore. Tell me that you do not think of him every waking moment of your life, just as you do her. Convince me that your reasons for bringing him out of the dungeons is solely because you want to protect the realm and not to see if you can also rescue the man you once knew and loved. Tell me that you do not still love him, Eva, but you cannot lie to me, and you cannot continue lying to yourself. You may be able to fool Odin and cause him to believe that there is no love or trust left within you, but that has not died. It never will," she said before giving me a chance to speak. I could not bring myself to lie to her. While I tried to convince myself for so long that I harbored only ill-will toward him, I could not believe the lie any longer. I still wanted my friend back. I wanted to endure the pain that came with seeing his broken mind because it meant I got to be close to him. Tears welled up in my eyes, but I blinked them away as quickly as they had come. Frigga continued, not allowing me too much time to feel the sorrow of the situation, "now, I say that my husband-and our king-also banned me from visiting Loki, but it doesn't mean I've always listened," she smirked.
I furrowed my eyebrows, "what do you mean?" I asked, confused as to what she could be insinuating. She wouldn't always have to follow the orders of the King because she was the Queen. If she told the guards to keep quiet about her visiting him, I was almost certain they would listen. She was respected and loved. I-on the other hand-was not the queen. Still, Thor told me that I had a silver tongue, so if convincing needed to be done to see him, I was sure I could get past a few sets of guards.
She grinned even wider before stepping closer to me,"you have grown to be a very powerful sorceress, one who could hold her own against Loki if need be, one who could-but doesn't-play the same tricks that he used to. I have complete and utter faith that you could subdue him if need be," she complimented my abilities, ones which would not have been possible without her guidance. She taught me how to control my powers and taught me new ones as time went on. When I was afraid of what I could do, she taught me to take the fear and turn it into compassion. She taught to my strengths, and I became stronger for it. Now, she saw me as the warrior I was, "even if you can't break him out of his cell, there is a loophole. You can still visit him...as an illusion," she remarked.
My jaw dropped, "so, you're telling me to disobey the orders of my king?" I asked
She pressed a gentle kiss to my forehead, an unspoken promise of love and support. She had been there to support me during some of my darkest moments, and living my life without him was no different. I knew that she would never stop loving me, no matter how many reasons I could give her not to. When she pulled away, she continued to gaze steadily into my eyes, "all I'm telling you to do is follow your heart no matter what it takes and no matter where it leads you."
It was the very last place I thought I would find myself. A cell in the dungeons. Going against the laws of my King-and with the help and guidance of my queen-I was closer to him than I had been in so long. I could reach out and touch him. He faced away from the center of the room where I stood, and he didn't even notice the sudden change. Perhaps, he was still overcome by the noise and hatred that filled the dungeons, or maybe his mind was still clouded with the voices I heard when I saw him on Midgard. Usually, he would feel my presence from worlds away, but when I stood in his cell, he seemed none the wiser. I swallowed hard, and for the first time since Midgard, I said it. I spoke his name, "Loki?" I murmured in a trembling voice as my knees quaked beneath me.
His shoulders tensed, but he didn't turn to look at me. He continued to stare at the cell wall, not wanting to give me the satisfaction of his reaction to my presence. I could feel it, however, no matter how hard he tried to suppress his surprise and sudden glimmer of happiness. Almost as soon as I sensed his joy, he shoved it down, and I felt his anger, "leave!" he snarled like an animal.
I chuckled as I walked over to his side. There was not much left he could say to me that would hurt my feelings, and I hadn't been expecting him to welcome me with open arms, either. The last time he saw me, I handed him over to the guards that escorted him back to the palace. I had walked behind him with Thor, and I cried the entire way. I knew that he wouldn't want to see me, so I tried to remind myself that this reaction was to be expected, "well, hello to you, too," I smiled, lowering myself to the floor with him. I faced the opposite direction, not wanting to see the filth of the dungeons. While I had a love for all things living, so many of the creatures within the dungeons ripped life apart for the fun of it. That was why I opted to gaze into the face of the man I had missed for so long.
He still didn't look at me, "I don't want to see you," he insisted, narrowing his eyes at nothing in particular. The glare was meant for me, but just like I could never bring myself to speak his name before now, he could not bring himself to look at me. He pushed himself up off the floor, and turned his back on me again. This was different, though. I could feel the conflict within him. It was the man who tried to break me on Midgard, the man who tried me to convince me that my best friend was dead. I saw that side of Loki. I could also see the scared little boy I used to play with, the man who was more afraid of himself than the ones who abused him, the man who felt unworthy of everything good in this world.
I stood up, filled with so much passion. I finally saw a fragment of the man I knew before all of this madness. I finally saw a hint of the man who would spend hours gazing up at the stars with me, the man who would sing me to sleep when I was restless and filled with theories of my parents, the man who cared so little for himself but so much for the world around him. I shrugged my shoulders, "you don't want to see me. I get it. I'd be lying if I said I wanted nothing more than to be down here, but we can't always get what we want. I'm here."
"No, you're not!" he hollered, turning quickly and throwing one of his books at me. It phased through my chest, and no harm was done. That was when his eyes finally met mine, and I saw the pain and anger in them. I was unsure if it was all directed at me or if he was still reeling from what happened after his fall from the Bifrost and up to the moment he was brought back to Asgard. He glared at me, hatred in his eyes for the woman who once felt...so much for him, but it wasn't enough to make him stay. Tears of anger and rage filled his eyes, "you're nothing but a stupid illusion! As if you would actually risk your reputation and disobey Odin's orders to come down here to see a monster like me! As if your pristine reputation wasn't tarnished enough all the years you stood by me, you're soiling it even more by being down here. Can't you see that this is where I belong?" he asked, his voice growing louder and louder each passing moment.
"YOU BELONG WITH ME!" I snapped, my voice cracking as I felt the long-suppressed emotions rising in my chest. He stared at me in a stunned silence, completely taken aback by what I had just said. I wasn't ready to dig any deeper than that, but it was true. I couldn't bare seeing him in a place like this. I just wanted to take him away from the pain and suffering. Odin couldn't feel the pain Loki felt, but I did. Every ounce of suffering Loki went through, it was shared, and every ounce of happiness he ever felt in his life, it was shared. I didn't understand why, and I didn't understand how it worked, but it did. I could feel a hole in my chest where my heart was meant to be whenever he was gone. I could feel the abuse he received when he was being corrupted. While he did unspeakable things on Midgard, he deserved a moment of peace, and he was being tortured down here. I tried to close the space between us, but for every step I took toward him, he took an even bigger step back, "now, would you shut up and just listen for once? You can be so annoying sometimes," I exclaimed.
He cocked his eyebrow, "is that what you came here to tell me? That I'm annoying?" he asked, impatient to learn what I was truly doing down there.
I lowered my eyes, ashamed that I still felt anything for him at all. I knew that no matter how I answered the question, I couldn't bring myself to lie to him. I still cared about him, and I still wanted him to be taken care of. I swallowed hard, "I came down here to see you because...I was worried," I answered, gazing up at him.
Our eyes locked, and it was like the oceans meeting the land. His lips parted as disbelief washed over him. I knew that he never expected me to admit that I was worried about him, especially after all he had done on Midgard. I believed that he half-expected me to hate him for what he had done, and a piece of me wished I could, but...I couldn't. I hated what he had done, but I couldn't hate him. He cleared his throat, "what?" he asked as if he didn't hear me correctly.
"I wanted to make sure you were being taken care of, that no one was...hurting you down here. I was worried that you were being mistreated, and I wanted to see you" I confessed, not wanting to tell him the biggest reason why I wanted to see him. I couldn't tell him that it was because I missed him or that I wanted to see if there was still a glimmer of the man I once knew. There was no way I would tell him those things, no way I would tell him how weak he made me. A light smile tugged at the sides of my lips, "I've been making my case to Odin that you should be released," I said, filling him in on what I had been busy doing. While there wasn't much I had accomplished, he needed to know that I still cared.
His eyes brightened as shock and amazement flashed across his features, "you have?"
I nodded my head, "it would be into my care, but it would-"
He cut me off, crossing his arms over his chest like he used to when we were children, "I'd rather rot in this cell for the rest of my days," he snarled
"Why do you do that? Why do you try to hurt my feelings? I mean, you suck at it, but why try to do that? What have I ever done to you other than show you all the kindness I can?" I asked, tired of all the pain he put me through. I was tired of having to deal with the constant push and pull that I went through when I was with him. I just wanted things to be normal again, like they were before the fall. Was it so wrong for me to want my best friend back? I didn't believe I deserved much, but after all I had been through-all I lost-I was convinced that I deserved something good. He remained silent, seeing the frustration and despair in my eyes. I stepped closer, and he didn't step away from me, "when we were children and Thor ran off to spend the days with his friends, who sat with you in the garden all day? When we were practicing with Frigga, and you told her that you didn't feel like you were good enough, who took the time to teach you the things you just weren't grasping? When people called you names for playing innocent tricks, when people alienated and isolated you for being different, who stood up to them and got beaten and abused for you? Of all the people you've pushed away time and time again, who comes back each and every time? Me. It has always been me!" I yelled, trying to make him understand that no matter how hard he pushed me away, I wasn't leaving him. He was right that so many others had done that to him, but he wasn't going to be right about me. I wasn't leaving.
He towered over me as the anger and fury burned like a fire in his blue eyes, "you had no one else. You were abandoned by the ones who were supposed to love you. You've always been alone, so why wouldn't you come back to me each and every time I pushed you away? You had no one else to run to because everyone left you to rot...just like I'm being left to rot in this cell," he hissed.
As we stood in silence, I searched his eyes to find any conflict within them. I found none. He wanted to hurt me with those words. The man he used to be was gone in that moment. He wanted to tear me apart, to show me that I was making a mistake for believing in him and for showing him mercy. I sighed, fighting back the tears in my eyes. Even if I wanted to cry, I wouldn't because he didn't deserve to see me like that. I only wanted to bring him peace, not sorrow. I reached out to him and rested my hand on his cheek. I closed my eyes and focused all my energy on feeling him. Suddenly, there was a warmth beneath my hand. His skin. I could feel the smooth skin beneath the tips of my fingers as I had so many times before. When I opened my eyes, I saw that his eyes had fluttered closed, and he leaned into my touch, but when I pulled my hand away, they opened, and I saw his pain once again, "that's the difference between you and I, Loki. You let your past determine your future. You don't look at the bad things and say, "you know what, these are really terrible circumstances, but I'll make it through, and it'll just be something bad in my past." You hold onto all the times you've felt alone and abandoned and allow them to shape you, but you refuse to see the times when you've been loved and embraced. You refuse to see the times when I've met your pain and sorrow with love and support," I reminded him.
"I was abandoned by my parents-the people who were supposed to love me no matter what. I'll never know their names or faces. I've been taunted and alienated. I've felt alone. Do you want to know something, though? All of that negativity was what built me into the person I am today. I acknowledge it and tell myself that it was just a bad memory of my past. I don't let it live with me. I don't let it control me, and I certainly don't let it control my ability to feel compassion and love because life is too beautiful to allow the ugly things to shape you," I murmured, biting my quivering bottom lip to stop the tears that filled my eyes, "I am sorry I couldn't stop you from being hurt. I tried to protect you from everyone, including yourself, but I failed, and I live with that every day. I will never forgive myself for the way they hurt you. I should've been there to protect you every step of the way, but I let you push me away at one point. I lay in bed most nights, thinking of what I could've done differently. I think of the times you needed me most, and I wasn't there. I think of what you went through when you fell, and I hate myself for losing sight of you," I trembled, my knees shaking as I pushed back my emotions further and further. His eyes filled with sorrow as I continued to speak, "if you truly hate me, if you don't want to see me, I understand. You have no idea how much I've fought for you. You have no idea the sacrifices I've made for you, but I made them because I still care about you after all you've done. I have tried to make up for the times I couldn't be there for you, and you treat me like the dirt under your feet. Someday, the way you treat me will be just another bad memory from my past, but for today, it hurts. You've broken my heart so many times, but you've never left it."
As I stepped away from him, he stepped forward, reaching out to me. Finally, there was a hint of compassion and empathy in his eyes. Still, it was too late for that. He tried to grab me, his hand phasing through my wrist, "Eva, I didn't-"
I cut him off, not giving him a chance to say another word before I disappeared, "goodbye, Loki."