Until It's Gone
by Tina

- - -

"So, how's it going living with Chandler?" Rachel asked best friend Monica as they made their way out of Central Perk and towards their building.

"Good, pretty good."

"So what did you decide to do with my room after all?"

"What do you think?"

Rachel smiled, knowing her friend too well.

"Guest room, I guess."

"Yeah, baby!"

Rachel laughed.

"Hey, what about you? Is it too weird living with Joey?"

"Oh no, it's been wonderful. You know how supportive he's been the past year or so... Plus, with Joey I don't have to worry about leaving crumbs around the apartment or staining the couch!"

"No wonder we never hang out at your place."

Rachel shot her a playful look. They reached the entrance and walked in.

"Let me just check the mail, God knows Joey always forgets it and hell, we've got bills to pay."

"Sure." Monica stood by as Rachel emptied her mailbox. "Hey, wanna come over and hang out for a while? I've got leftover from the restaurant and Chandler's busy tonight. We could watch a movie and make it a girl's night."

Rachel smiled at her.

"Sure."

They started walking towards the stairs as Rachel checked the letters. Bills, bills, bills... Some stuff for Joey and- Rachel held her breath. His handwriting. Her sole name written on a white envelope. Rachel looked up at an oblivious Monica and then back down at the paper. Maybe it was her duty as the best friend to notify it to her, but... Things had been so messed up lately, she didn't want to involve her friend yet again in their little drama. The gang had been bothered enough by it as it was. Rachel took a deep breath, anxious to know what was inside it.

"You know what, honey? I'm not feeling very well, I think I'm just gonna call it a night."

"What's wrong?"

Rachel knew she must've been looking pretty bad, she was very shaken up. She couldn't help it.

"Nothing's wrong, I'm just a little tired. Hm, and a headache just hit me now."

"OK. You sure though? 'Cause you could take something and we could skip the movie, I'd could still make us dinner..."

"Sorry, honey, I... I just wanna go to bed now, I'm not really hungry. Thank you, though."

"Well, OK." They reached their floor and stood between both doors. "I'll talk to you tomorrow then."

Rachel nodded.

Once in her room, Rachel threw everything onto the bed and took a seat herself. She looked at the letter, this time somehow afraid. She set it down and searched for a shoe box underneath her bed. She picked it up and opened it. It was her "Ross box", filled with items that brought up many memories of the guy she once thought would make her the happiest woman in the world. The happiest fiancee, the happiest wife and, someday maybe, the happiest mother. From inside, she pulled out the letter which had arrived just the week before. Slowly, she opened it and sulked into the words yet again. She felt the need to relive it yet again before she could read the new one.

Just as the second letter, it was stuffed into a plain white envelope, her name written outside in black ink, left inside her mailbox. It was five pages long, front and back - not nearly as big as Rachel's letter to him at the beach house, but it was still worth the mention in his, on a desperate attempt to lighten up the mood of such a heavy load of words. She unfolded them and stared at the tear stained paper - a contribution from both her and Ross. She ran her eyes through it again, as she had done so everyday since its arrival - sometimes up to five times a day.

His sorry, heartfelt words. The regret, the pain, the illusions. She had thought about calling him, but she was way too scared. She had hurt too badly to simply forget all about it. But then again... She shook her head, it just wasn't his fault. What hurt her the most wasn't him, it was herself. It was the regret of not handling their relationship properly, of taking him for granted. She had been so immature after their break up. She figured some of it was excusable, she was allowed to mourn the end of their romance, after all. But, after the beach house, whatever she did to him was inexcusable. The long letter had only been the beginning of a series of mistakes she deeply wished she could take back.

She wiped her tears again after finishing reading the letter again. She was now ready for the new one.

It was lighter than the first. She pulled a single page out of it and unfolded it.

"Is it too soon?"

She wiped more tears away and folded it again. With shaky hands, she placed it back into the envelope and gave herself some time to cry.

The past year had been a nightmare. Never before in her life had Rachel had to deal with the feeling of insecurity. She had been his dream for such a long time. They had lived so many beautiful moments together - or, well, or so she had believed, anyway. Every second they had spent together, whether as friends, whether as lovers, had always meant the world to her. He had meant the world to her, probably even more than the rest of the gang combined. And yet, he never believed that. It hurt her that he never believed it when she said she loved him, that she didn't want anybody out there but him. That he had nothing to worry about with Mark because she already had the one man she would ever want.

His insane jealousy told her, he didn't believe any of it. It used to infuriate her, but after Emily... It just...

Rachel sighed.

Emily. Maybe a curse, maybe a blessing, who could tell? After her arrival everything had changed, ignorance had lifted.

Only a few weeks together and she already was Ross' bride. Not only that, he had agreed to have Rachel out of his life simply to suit her, when he'd known her for ridiculously small period of time. It really hurt to know that in those short few months he already loved her more than he had ever loved Rachel, who had years in advantage. So, what she thought that had been absolutely heavenly, hadn't been all that to him, after all. If he was willing to trade it for someone he hardly knew, it was clear it never meant to him all the much it had meant to her.

The memories she used to think that were adored by both parts were now, apparently, only hers to cherish. It took away half the beauty of it, for it hurt too much for her to think about it in these conditions.

Shaken up by the turn of events, Rachel had taken a long time to recover. Her friends had played a very important part, giving her space when she needed and comfort when she was ready to welcome it. At first, she dove into work to try and forget her troubles, only to come home at late nights and cry herself to sleep. She couldn't accept the fact that the one person whose feelings for her she had never doubted - even through the whole mess with Chloe - had given her up. It gave her a huge sense of instability, one that Monica, Phoebe, Joey and Chandler were still working on mending.

But if that was the way he really felt, she couldn't blame him. That's how life goes, right? She couldn't blame him for following his heart. She just had to accept her defeat, she couldn't win all the time.

She looked at the first letter and took a deep breath.

"...I never meant to hurt you, Rachel, please believe me. You've always been one of the most important people in my life. The past year has been the hardest I've ever had to endure, I can't live knowing you're so mad at me..."

It had been a whole year ago. She was in a much better place now, she was finally - honestly - happy again. Yet, she felt like she still had too much of this to deal with. She had pushed it all aside at some point, thinking it wasn't the time for it just yet. There was only so much she could deal with at the time, by herself. Maybe the right time had come. It was time to face the final demons and get closure from this awful feeling. She grabbed her cellphone and dialed the number she had once secretly copied from Monica's address book.

"Hello." Came his voice from the other side.

Rachel went silent for a while.

"Hey, Ross."

He went silent himself.

"Rachel?" He asked softly.

"Yeah, hi."

"Hey, I- I take it that you've got my letters."

"Yes..."

Small silence.

"So, is it? Too soon, I mean?"

She looked down, uneasy.

"I don't know..."

"Can you meet me for dinner tomorrow at Nadine's? We should talk, in person." He suggested.

"Sure, OK."

"Meet you there at eight?"

"Alright."

"Thank you, Rachel." He said, meaningfully.

She went silent, not knowing what to say, but not wanting to hang up just yet.

"Hm, OK, I'll see you there, bye."

She hung up before he could say anything else.

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Hm. It's way shorter than I expected, but I didn't want to get to their dinner just yet. Now, the most important thing in this story will be the dialogues between Ross and Rachel, which explains why I haven't developed their feelings so much or told you exactly what has happened to them over the year just yet. They're gonna have to catch up sometime, so then they'll explain and I won't bore you saying something you already know. And I want it to come from them, not from "me". If that makes any sense to you ;) Anyway... I loved the reviews from the first chapters, thanks for those who took the time :) However, they weren't many, so that made me a little sad...! Just wanna know what you think of this so far, it encourages me to continue - or not. So please take the time, it means the world to me, OK? Thank you and see you next chapter, hopefully very soon:)