Hey, sorry for the long wait! I know I should've done this earlier, but I think you've noticed that this fic is heavily based on the up-to-date events happening in USA. Many of the things said and done here have been actually said and done (Eren's speeches contain Trump's lines with a few alterations, Hillary's 'sigh' part in this chapter is true, and we all may know the classic slogans of very passionate feminists). Please enjoy and let me know if there are any errors! :D
"...and I will remove the federal prohibition on Marijuana", declared candidate Pixis.
And all lines of hippies with bongs applauded and whistled in tears (probably from smoking).
"Did I freaking hear 'Maria Juana'?!", asked Eren imagining a female titan shaking maracas while stomping on houses as he was close to arriving with his carriage. „Damn, I'm late"
As he got off, he tried to make his way in through the crowd, but a few rude attendees kept pushing some people away trying to prevent them from joining the event. They were yelling weird stuff like 'Your privilege is not welcome here' and 'Take your privilege somewhere else', which was weird considering that some of those people missed an arm or a leg or they had their houses destroyed and their relatives killed because of the war. There was so much confusion in the audience even the staff members were stopped at the entrance by protesters who thought they were Yeager supporters because they were white cishumans. Eventually, Eren's three 'fans' caught up with him and Jean bulldozed his way through the crowd to open a path. While Eren and whoever wanted to attend the event and was stopped followed him, Sasha grabbed a few protester hands apologetically and said "I'm still with you" and stayed.
Then, the moderator came back on the stage and continued
"Thank you very much, Dot Pixis. Now, please welcome candidate Hange Zoe!"
The TV channel that was broadcasting live wrote under her name 'Crooked Ex Titan Murderer, Current Innocent People Murderer'
As she was going to grab the mic she bathed in the applause of many topless women, who looked like toxic frogs from having so many odd bright colors in their hair, and transtitans.
"So tell us, Ms. Zoe, why should you be elected for president?"
"Well, first of all, doesn't the thought of having a female president for the first time in history thrill you at all?", she giggled. "And if you vote for me, Yeager won't become president, do you need any more reasons than that?"
The TV channel quoted her 'Women should feel empowered as I will SMASH patriarchy!'
"What do you think of the world in which we live today and can you make it better?"
"I think the world has gone mad. It's very titanphobic, you can see The Survey Corps and The Garrison oppressing innocent titans every single day, they're probably killing them right now as we speak. These defenceless creatures are treated with such cruelty and this needs to stop. It's OUR fault that we built these walls and took away their habitat and even if they still have an entire planet to roam, unlike us, it's still not enough. I feel like the military is corrupting the young people in general by promoting recruitment 'to fight for humanity', which disconsiders the precious lives of our friends –the titans. The quality of our lives decreased because we focus too much on fighting wars and hating on others. If I become the next president I will make sure that humans and titans will live in peace and we will even pay retribution for the titan lives that we've taken away unjustifiedly. Sigh!"
And once again she was applauded at by the same audience of supremacists and special treatment seekers.
"Hold up, did she freaking read 'sigh'? She was supposed to literally sigh, what the ..!", complained Levi as he had to hold a sign with the text of Hange's speech.
"Thank you, Ms Zoe! Now it's time for our last candidate, please welcome Eren Yeager!"
The TV channel that was broadcasting live wrote under Eren's name 'Head N!gga at Yeager Organization'
Boos mixed with cheering filled the air the moment Eren stepped in, but he kept his smug look regardless. Levi, who was uninterested at first by political fiascos, had his attention drawn to the scene raising an eyebrow. He thought the candidate was kinda cute.
"Mr. Yeager, you have decided to run for president though many of your views are considered controversial, do you think you can win if you hurt the delicate feelings of others?"
As soon as he opened his mouth to speak he was temporarily silenced by bogus words
"Titanophobe! Titan hater! You're a joke!"
"Listen! I think the biggest problem here is that we are too politically correct"
The TV channel quoted him ' I'm politically incorrect as a motherf*cker '
"I've been challenged by so many people, I don't have time for political correctness"
The TV channel quoted him 'Ain't got time for your bullsh*t'
"And honestly, this nation doesn't have time either"
The TV channel quoted him 'Honestly, f*ck your questions'
"Humanity is in big trouble, we don't win anymore, we lose to titans, we lose to terrorists"
The TV channel quoted him 'Titans and activists can suck my d*ck!'
"What I say is what I say and if you don't like it, I'm sorry. I've been nice to you although I probably shouldn't based on how you have treated me, but I wouldn't do that"
The TV channel quoted him 'I give 0 f*cks about what you think'
"We need. To build. A wall! And I will have titans stuck in that wall. We need to keep these deadly creatures OUT OUT OUT! Titans are eating people, titans are destroying homes, titans will ruin this nation and this is going to happen whether you like it or not!"
"Booo! Boooo!", exclaimed the transtitans and many Pixis supporters who were just so high they had no idea what they were doing, yet the camera focused on them anyway and added the text 'Yeager – the most bigoted candidate in history'
Levi started looking admiratively at the young candidate, he even blushed. He had a new political crush apparently. Being so intrigued by the power in Eren's words he wanted to switch sides, but he was kind of afraid for his life. It was a dangerous world for a cis white male human and the only reason he was still up was because he lived under the ideological protection of Hange and the likes of her.
"And did you know that Hange used to work in The Survey Co-"
Hange ran back on the stage to take the mic from Eren's hand
"I refuse to stay with my arms crossed as I am insulted by a bigot. He is male-"
"Well aren't you quick to make assumptions on my gender?", Eren mocked her quietly.
"-he is white -"
"I'm actually half brown...". But what he had to say couldn't be heard since didn't have the mic.
"-he is cishuman-"
"I'm actually a titan shifter...". But the same problem occurred.
"-so of course he has all the reasons to be titanphobic, sexist, ableist, racist..", and a long list of words like those continued. "I really don't appreciate your patronizing tone as you're trying to interrupt a woman..."
"Though you ran on the stage to literally pull my mic as I was talking...", he pointed out as he tried to get his mic back.
The moderator tried to remove Hange from the stage despite her yelling that they're silencing women who deserve in fact more platform to express themselves. Arguing and screaming among the audience were getting louder and louder as three distinct parties have been contoured and the speech part of the event had to be cut short by the staff for safety reasons. Also, people have been asked to vote on the spot the two finalists who were going to compete later for the leader role of humanity.
As Hange was passing by Levi, he held his head down in shame and white male human-guilt and followed her from behind. He was tired of feeling like a cuck and he kept thinking about Alpha Eren, the only one who would stand up for him and wouldn't make cruel assumptions based on his identity. Deep inside, he was hoping that this fine young man would become the voice of the vulnerable like him and will fix the relationships between unnecessarily segregated groups.
Meanwhile the group of hippies were surrounding Pixis with mystic smoking objects hoping that he will win and make humanity dank again.
And Eren returned to his trusty frat boys who retrieved Sasha from the fem-cultists. He suddenly received a phone call from Mikasa and answered it
"Eren! How could you be so awful? If I knew you were going to embarrass yourself like that I wouldn't have let you leave the house. How am I supposed to show my face in public ever again?", she went hysterical.
"What do you mean? What did I do so bad?"
"I'm sitting here watching the breaking news. 'Yeager tries to grab Zoe's mic in attempt to silence her'? 'Yeager - the most bigoted candidate in history?'. You can't make this up. This is not how mamma raised you"
"Dishonest media! After results I will call them out for their lies", and he had to hang up quick as the moderator was ready to announce the results.
"The two candidates that will run against each other for being president are - Hange Zoe and Eren Yeager!"
"Whoooo! ", screamed Jean as he was bouncing around like a ball of joy.
"B-But how?!", asked Hange mortified that Eren made it. "He had only two supporters with him"
"Who the hell did we vote for?", Marco asked a fellow confused hippy who felt like fainting from an overdose.
And the moderator resumed
"With that being said here ends the first part of the election. Good luck to the candidates, may the best one win! Let us have the leader we deserve!"
Then everyone left the place in frustration and confusion except for Yeager's crew.