Episode one: SPIIIIIIIRALS
Right, this girl thought she was a guy and she went to some French war with some dude to protect the princess and—LOL WAT.
Loads of generic kids are walking down the street.
"ZOMG school uniforms are so sugoi kawaii desu ka ne"
"my head is wider than my waist"
"Stop touching me there Kozue D:"
Some girl is angsting on a bridge. She has normal coloured hair with no animu technicolour bullshit so she's probably not important.
"how long does it take to put on a pair of fucking of bike shorts ):O"
Then she gets trolled by some random generic chicks who will disappear after this episode.
"wtf r u doing lol"
So naturally she does the SHONEN HERO POSE, "I'm waiting for my boyfriend :D"
"ur boyfriends a girl lol"
"WRRRRRRYYYYY :("
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Then we see the school. There's a big clock tower. More like COCK tower, amirite?
Fuck you, Freud.
Cue some pink-haired chick walking down the hall.
"where is this shiny light coming from lol"
But then a CHALLENGER APPEARS.
TEACHER enters the battle.
TEACHER used SUNGLASS SPARKLE RAY
UTENA used ROSE SPIIIIIIIIIRALS
TEACHER used WRRRRYYYYY
UTENA used READ THE MANUAL FGT
TEACHER was knocked out.
Utena shrugged her shoulders and walked away, figuring because this is animu nobody would mind she pwnt the only other faculty member apart from some pedo and a guy with a mullet. Which, now I think about it, could basically describe the guy with the mullet.
What was he called again?
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Then she went to play some brothers at basketball and SHIT FLOATING ROSE PETALS JESUS FUCKING CHRIST DDDDDD:
The trap is then glomped by a mass of horny schoolgirls, further depleting her HP.
"use my towel so I can smell your sweat ^O^"
"it can b buttsex tiem now plees?"
"but I'm not a lesbian D:"
"yes you are :)"
"plz don't stick it in there XO"
Then some other useless shit happened. See, Utena is a perfectly normal girl, but she wears boy's clothes, wants to be a 'prince' and plays team sports. And rescue princesses.
SRSLY GAIS FUCK YOU SHE'S NOT GAY OKAY SHE'S JUST A PRINCE A PRINCE GODAMMIT I'M GONNA GO WRITE NON-CON AKIO/ANTHY HET NOW
):OOOOOOOOOOOOO
Back on the other side of the fourth wall, everyone's favourite trap is staring out of a window at some indian chick. Some LIKE OMG TTLY HAWT YAOI BISHIE is berating her for some reason. Maybe she was breathing or something. His tea was a centigrade too cold. She let her monkey poop in his bed by accident. Or she posted some of his shitty fangirl love mail on a notice board to start DRAMAS.
Hey, wait a minute.
Anyway, Trap-kun is trying to ignore her arousal like a good vIRGin when BAM! Bishie FALCON PUNCH'D that ho and she goes down quicker than Kozue on Miki (and that's quick, amirite?).
Uterus is shocked, and says so.
"im shocked but im not gonna do anything about it because im all tough and indifferent like a real shonen boy I mean GIRL goddamnit :"
Bishie boy brings his hand back to smack a bitch up but some mysterious red-haired man cockblocks him. Srs dramatic tension is srs. They do some staring and shit. Real intense.
Stop fapping and pay attention to the fic.
Like a million fangirls, Utena's hand is stealthily creeping towards her bikeshorts when she is glomped from behind by the same brown-haired girl from before. Did I say glomped? I meant raped. But it wasn't rape because she wanted it really.
SHE'S NOT FUCKING GAY OKAY NOT GAY
Utena chokes a bit, "damn heffa, have you been eating lard from the bucket again?"
"I threw up an extra time this morning so you would love me :( "
" -_-;"
Thankfully at this point Wakakakakaba spots the two bishies standing outside.
"OMG hawt yaoi bois fap fap fap shlick"
"*gasp* I can't *gasp* fucking *gasp* breathe XO"
The time? Exposition o'clock. O SNAP
"The red-haired one is liek Touga but HE DOESN'T WEAR A TOGA LOLOLOL C WAT I DID THAR? And the other guy is Saionji. They're like on the Seitokaichokawaiidesuka together with some other kid and a lesbian. Saionji is like Touga's vice—lololol! OMG c wat I did thar? I'm so gonna write that into my next mpregWAFFnonconyaoislashfic. But SRSLY they're like my OTP, THEIR LOVE IS SO HAET!!111shift+1. "
Overwhelmed by the stream of fangirl crap flowing from wakawhatsit's mouth Utena feels her last HP points slowly drain away. Since she's all out of Phoenix Down she has no choice but to either cunt-punt the bitch or get her to STFU.
"who's the black girl?"
Wakaba looked at the trap like she'd suggested they recreate 2girls1cup.
"that's Anthy, lol. She's fucking weird. do u liek her?"
"I'm not a lesbian :("
"lol, w/e".
"it hurts when you put it in there D:"
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Elsewhere.
Some guys with amazing technicolour animu hair, so probably the main characters, are stood around on this hueg platform stuck straight out the side of a building. Which is really fucking normal compared to the usual surreal shit that goes on here.
Balloons? A train? WTF. So anyway, they're all stood around.
And OSHIT ROSE SPIIIIIIIIRALS.
The child referenced in the previous paragraph by Shakalakawakaba speaks, but sadly as his balls have not yet dropped and his VA is a chick—I mean—oshit— no one is able to hear him and he is swiftly FALCON PUNCH'D in the face by an angry ginger.
The president ignores this tomfoolery and proceeds to berate Saionji.
"stop hitting the rose bride, fgt"
"but she makes me do it with her passive-aggressive antics :("
"AkioOSHIT I mean EndOfTehWorld will rape, I mean ban your ass"
"I just want her to love me D:"
The president is truly pwnt by this impressive display of manliness and Saionji then takes the opportunity to GTFO.
In the darkness, no one can hear Miki scream.
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A large group of random background characters are checking the school message board, fapping like a bunch of asspie fantards after seeing the Sailor Moon Abridged series for the first time.
"WTF" asks Tenjew-kun. No, wait, maybe she 'states' it. Fuck, I don't know. Maybe she just 'WTFs'. Can you make that into a verb? Shit. Or wait, maybe this is a fanfic and NOONE CARES. GB2 Wikipedia fgt. YES.
Steadfastly ignoring the above rant, some random starts yapping.
"look look gaiz its someone's shitty slashfic like OMG"
"LOLOLOLOL"
"what's a prince Albert?"
Utena gets her angry face on ):E, "i r a wommyn and ur male criticism offends me"
She then reaches her LIMIT BREAK and pwns them like Ruka pwns Shiori (and that's some serious pwnage, amirite?). Sadly, through the mist of entrails and other such fun, she phails to notice that Bukkakeba has gone to bang her head on a tree and write poetry to Linkin Park.
When she eventually finds her she decided to cheer her friend up, "hay, so I saw this anime-may the other day and there were all these catholic schoolgirls and they had yuri buttsex and—"
"STFU"
"well fuck."
Her friend then BAAAWS s'more, "my life is over, I'm gonna QUIT THE INTERNET 4EVA U GAIZ NO JOKE I'M DELETING MY DEVIANTART AND EVERYTHING DDDD:"
Seeing that this business is truly serious, Utena offers her consolation in the true shojo tradition.
"im gonna beat that gimp like a red-haired stepchild"
Somewhere in the distance, Touga cried a little inside.
No wait, that was only in the movie. Disregard that. Then again, continuity's all fucked in this thing anyway. Nemuro anyone? What the fuck was all that about? Actually, don't even get me started. FGDFS ):O
Anyway, the trap sprints off into the sunset, leaving her friend to cry a little more about her general insignificance and about how everyone prefers the other characters to her.
Then she went to fap to Saionji/Touga shotacon and post moar pr0n on the interbuttz.
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Utena finds said gimp in the kendo room, looking all tough and manly and shit.
"nice dress lol"
"STFU"
"did u post my buddy's fanfic on the board?"
"I get a lot of fanfic about me. Most of them make me into some sort of wangsty yaoi-boy uke man slut though. I mean, considering my rather obvious interest in Anthy in the series and the rather less blatant subtext between me and Touga, one might have thought that the proportion of het I feature in would be rather larger."
Utena nodded sagely at this.
"Don't worry about it, you should see the amount of yuri I get featured in. Including me and Juri, which is odd."
"Oh, tell me about it. At least that's verging on canonical, people seem to rampantly ship her and I with no consideration to her sexuality or the compatibility of our personalities. "
A cold breeze went through the room and both reverted to their usual braindead, perverted IC selves. God, this fic is so consistent. I should lay off the beer. And the lucozade. But I won't.
"fight me"
"YES"
Utena left.
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Insert some symbolic shadow-girl psycho-babble here.
'Have you heard, have you heard?
'that we'll be spewing this metaphorical crap all the way through the frigging series instead of just saying stuff like 'don't trust Anthy, she's a manipulative passive-aggressive whore' and 'akio wants to have sex with you?'
'STFU'
'w/e. rulesrulesrulesblahprincegameforestblahaidsfgsdsmulletblahlesbiansubtext blahspiiiiiiiiiirals'
'so basically, rugmucher's getting herself into a whole lot of shit here'
'too fucking right'
'do you know, do you know?'
'that ur mum has a penis?'
'STFU ):O'
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Meanwhile, Utena is being an asshat. Plus la change.
'durr, how do i opened door?' the trap laments, staring up at the scenery. 'so, if the tower is the metaphorical penis of the campus, is this the vagoo?'
When nothing happens she proceeds to bang her head against the door, then notices the handle.
'Well fuck me sideways with a million swords. I wish the stock footage would kick in soon.'
Suddenly a big ass droplet of water magically splashes from the inside of the door and hits her ring finger.
'JESUS FUCKING CHRIST MY FUCKING FINGER OH GOD OH GOD OH-wait, I'm ok. Derp derp derp.'
At this point the rose-gate-thing opens (lol simbolizms) revealing the XBOX HUEG staircase.
'oh, FFS'
Sadly, by the time Utena made it to the top, she'd coughed up a lung and one of her shoes was missing.
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Cue to some weird platform suspended in midair where Anthy and Saionji are patiently waiting. If by waiting you mean 'bitchslapping' and 'making a sammich', respectively.
The trap is however too busy vomiting up organs to participate in this fun, 'I can see my insides D:'
She then looks up and sees the WTF castle.
'that does it, im gunna cuntpunt Wakaba next time that bitch pulls this shit with the date rape drugs :X'
Saionji ceases kicking Anthy in the face to laugh a bit at Tenjew's obvious retardation.
'its jst SPESHUL EFFEKS, fuckin n00b. Besides, dis arena is just sum bullshit Akio illusion anywayz. RTM'
'we're not meant to know that yet D:'
'NO U. Plus, I skipped to episode 39.'
Utena thinks about this for a moment, but as usual phails it.
'Day-um'.
While the cogs grind to dust in our heroine's mind, Saionji pulls Anthy out of her puddle of malevolence and teeth.
'get this shit over with so I can hurt you moar -_-'
'yes Saionji-samadonomasterdesu'
So saying, she—OSHIT ROSE SPIIIIIIIIIIIIIRALS.
'WTF, this isn't Rose of fucking Versailles' Utena bitches. 'Ikuhara, you fgt.'
Anthy shrugs. 'Close enough'.
She sticks Saionji's rose to him a little harder than strictly necessary, causing him to bleed a little from his poor ickle uke wife-beater heart. D'AAAAAAAAW.
Anthy then magically attaches the rose to Utena's jacket in such a way that it won't fall out even when she's running around trying to stop some psycho bisecting her with a katana made of angst and executing barrel rolls and all sorts of shit. She then offers her some wise advice.
'don't die lol'
'thanx?'
'i haet my life and everyone in it ^_^'
'D:'
This charming exchange is sadly cut short by the swift delivery of a dropkick to Anthy's face.
'WTF?' complains Utena, ignoring the fact she didn't give two shits when exactly the same thing happened earlier, lol.
'i r mail, i need no reason. GO ALPHA'
'RAGE'
At this point, the stock footage kicks in. Anthy starts reciting the usual crap.
'Rose of the noble castle. Blah blah blah. Bread, eggs, milk. Dios blah metaphor blah. Tomatoes, asparagus, cantarella. Blah. Fuck you, Freud. Blah master blah…some moar shit about roses…I have to do this shit every fucking episode….blah, come forth and we're done.'
She bends over backwards and Saionji pulls his long hard weapon from Himemiya's hot gaping hole with a loud cry. Lolololol c wat i did thar?
For fuck's sake.
Then the fight began. They hit each other a bit. I don't know. Saionji does some trashtalking.
'dyke lol'
'FUK U ):XXXXX'
Utena's weapon then phails it.
'HOSHIT.' Says the trap, 'durr how do i brought sword to sword fight? XD I'll be fighting with a fucking broom next. I tell you. FGDSF'
Saionji decides to stand around and rap s'more instead of pwning the bitch and getting this chapter over with without any more cheap pen0r jokes or shitty meme insertions.
'give up and I won't be forced to fight you unarmed and potentially stab you'
'no lol'
So saying, Utena gets to her feet and lets loose an impressive RPG battle cry, as does Saionji.
'WAAAAARGH'
'WRRRRYYYYYYYYYY'
'WAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHH'
'WRRRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY'
Then there are some sparkly lights and Saionji's rose dies like Akio's manhood after seeing Kanae naked for the first time.
Anthy sighs.
'I came.'
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Cue a scene change to outside the forest thing. Maybe. On a hill somewhere? I dunno. At any rate, Utena is somewhat confused. Again.
'What a weird day. If weird means mind-fuckingly batshit insane. And how did I get back here? Did I take the stairs again? Oh god it feels like being punched in the ovaries D: BLAAAAARGH'
The trap eventually looks up from a surprise reunion with her lunch to see the injun girl studying her with a look halfway between mildly pissed and aroused.
The sight of her has its usual effect of sending Utena's IQ back down to room temperature. O Anthy u and ur brother r such a nice family lol :) im sure theres nuthin creepy going on thar hur hur hur. Derp derp wat r u talking about Nanami anthys my frend shed never do anything bad to me like lie to my face or stab me in the bak. DUUUUURRRR
'holy shit r u fo realz?' Drools the trap.
'sadly, yes :D'
Significant happenings are significant indeed. While Utena tries in vain to save her last remaining brain cells, Anthy goes in for the kill.
'oh and btw we're engaged now.'
'bt im not gay :('
'and im just a sad oblivious little victim who needs to be redeemed through the power of wuv'
'really?'
Anthy looks at Utena, the excited light of hope in her eyes shedding the tiniest ray of light on her cold and otherwise untouchable heart.
'no, lol'
'D:'