Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha. I do not profit from this story.

Happiness

The Tale of an Unstoppable Force and an Immoveable Object

Chapter Two: Bang Bang

If you think my life gets any better after this, you are so sadly mistaken.

"Inuyasha...I don't feel so good," Miroku muttered, clenching his mouth tightly together and closing his eyes.

"Serves you right you bastard," I snapped back, throwing a plastic bucket his way that came from my kitchen cupboard. "Do you remember anything from last night?"

"Uh, a lot of tequila... Uh..." Suddenly, Miroku jerked to the side of the couch, bucket tucked by his face as he emptied his stomach.

"Aw, that's fucking disgusting," I grumbled, walking towards my couch. I swear, if he got any of his rotten shit on my sofa, so help me god–

"I really don't feel so good." Miroku placed the bucket down and rolled onto his back. "I think I may die here."

"Please. Don't die here. Die somewhere else – a street corner, a tunnel, the sewer, hell a fucking strip club. Just don't leave your rotting corpse here in my room."

I loved my friends. I really did. Actually, that was a really girly thing to say so I take it back. Redo.

My friends suck. They should all rot in hell.

Miroku, my financial planner, was no exception. Do you know what he did this morning? He stumbled out of bed, still half-drunk from the night before. He crossed the street, almost getting hit by five cars. He got in the elevator, heaving his contents there. He took it to the very top, the thirty-second floor. And then he walked into my room and lied on my couch.

And then he slept for two hours.

And now, he was awake. Throwing up again. Still half-drunk.

Oh, the wonderful joys of life.

"Get in the fucking bathroom and flush your shit down the toilet," I yelled at him, trying to avoid the smell that was starting to stink up my place. "I'm not your fucking maid."

"I'd certainly hope not. I like getting my maids undressed and dirty."

I rolled my eyes. "Isn't that the opposite of what they should be doing?"

Miroku would've answered me if he hadn't thrown up again.

"Miroku, get your ass in the bathroom!"

"Inuyasha! Thank god you're still here!" Sango yelled, bursting through my front door. I shouldn't even bother locking my door. I was stupid enough to give them both my keys. "I need to talk to you about an interview. Affair Magazine – Oh fuck, Miroku, what the hell?"

Miroku winced. "As much as I love your melodic voice, my dearest, right now silence is golden."

"DO YOU HAVE A HEADACHE? FROM DRINKING? THE HORROR!" Sango screamed, pointedly trying to make his life miserable.

And mine. How the fuck did I end up with these two for friends?

"Sango, please, have mercy," Miroku whimpered, trying to sit up. He wobbled a bit, steadied and then reached down for his bucket of crap. "I'm going to be in the bathroom if anyone needs me."

"Take a shower while you're in there," Sango said, making a face. "You smell like whore."

"Pleasure pleasers," Miroku responded, trying to sound dignified. "They prefer the term pleasure pleasers."

"I'm sure," I mumbled, shaking my head and going over to inspect my poor couch. It looked normal, but I should probably get all of the cushions dry cleaned just in case. "We can get the covers cleaned right?"

Sango looked at the couch disdainfully. "Of course. I'll strip them later and bring them to the cleaners. But I was saying: Affair Magazine wants to have an interview with you. They've labelled you the number one bachelor to catch."

I smirked. "Yes I am."

"Modest bitch."

"Sango, you swear far too much." I gave her a pointed look, watching as her expression darkened. She opened her mouth and then shut it. I expect she was going to swear at me again.

Eventually she sighed and pulled out her Blackberry. "They want to do this upcoming Saturday – two days from now. What time?"

"Ten-thirty?" I shrugged. "Not like I really have plans until the night."

"Right," Sango replied. "You and Miroku's club night. How could I forget?"

"Want to come? Maybe you can keep an eye on Miroku," I suggested, knowing that she would think about it, want to do it and then say no because she didn't want to admit how much she hated Miroku with other women. She played it off real well, but one drunken night after too many bottles of wine she admitted the truth.

She swore that she'd castrate me if I ever told him.

I take her threats very seriously. If there was a woman out there not to mess with, she was it.

"Oh, and I almost forgot. The breeder called, he says you can pick Bang up whenever you'd like, as long as it's after one," Sango mentioned, scrolling through her Blackberry.

"Bang's finished already?" I asked, a smirk crossing my face. Like someone wise once said, like master, like dog. "Wow, he moves on pretty fast."

"Your hound can get as many bitches as he likes, but if his little swimmers don't make it, it means shit," Sango said, giving a smile of her own. "And Bang? Well. I'd like to think he's similar to you. He can talk a good game but when it gets down to the important final seconds, it's so not worth it."

Hahahahaha. What?

"I'm sorry, can you repeat that?" I asked, frowning. "How the fuck would you know anything about my sex life? And that's so not true."

Sango's smile grew to a wicked grin and she waved as she headed for the door. "You're not the only one who deals with Miroku when he's drunk."

Right. Because Miroku is a very reliable source for my sex life.

He's not, by the way.

And I'm fucking amazing in bed.

That's what all the women say.

And there are a lot of women.

Maybe two out of one-hundred were unhappy, but even that's a stretch. Ninety-eight percent is pretty damn amazing considering a lot of guys can't even last a minute...

Sango's making up total bullshit to piss me off.

Or to bother me.

Well, it doesn't bother me, because I know what the women say and they say I'm a sex god.

...Could they have been sarcastic?

No.

Not even.

I am a sex god and we should just leave it at that.

...

But what if I'm wrong? Do they, like, seek out Miroku or something to spite me? Have sex with him and then tell him how much better he is?

No.

It can't be.

Miroku talks a big game, but his game is really small.

Well, I wouldn't actually know.

Ew.

I can't believe I just went there.

But I am a sex god.

Without a doubt.

For sure.

...

I'm going to fucking kill that bastard.

To Do:

#5: Kill Miroku and throw his body in a ditch.

Miroku was lucky. He decided that throwing up would best be done in the guest bathroom and not my personal bathroom. Had things been the other way around, number five on my To Do list would've been already completed. "Fucking asshole!" I yelled, making sure that Miroku was scared, even though he didn't think he had a reason to be. He'd see. Sango would see too.

I really should've completed number four (fire and then kill my personal assistant and my financial planner) on my list yesterday because then, this would've never happened.

Ugh. Why the hell would Sango say that? I don't go around and say, "Hey buddy! Look, I know you want to fuck her, and you think she wants to fuck you, but really, she's a prude. She'll punch your face off if your hands go under her shirt. It's not worth it."

No. I'm a good friend. I avoid the matter completely.

I walked straight to the sink and turned the water on, feeling the cool water splash across my hands. I covered my face and neck, making sure that I was practically dripping before towelling dry. Wow, I still looked like shit. I definitely needed to sleep more and party less.

My long black hair had definitely seen better days. It was sticking out everywhere, and that was being nice. I had bags under my brown eyes too, which made me look slightly like a psychopath. Long, uncut hair and massive bags under my eyes... It's like people don't even need a response when they ask what I'm doing.

Murdering innocent victims is obviously the answer.

Speaking of my appearance... I stripped my shirt and tossed it to the ground, examining myself in the mirror. Hmm... I need to go to the gym again. Patting my stomach, I noticed that I potentially gained a percentage of body fat.

I'd definitely have to go back to the gym. Girls like washboard abs, not washboard abs with laundry on it.

"Inuyasha!" Miroku yelled. He sounded like he was dying a slow death.

"Bite me," I snapped, shaking my head and continuing to examine myself in the mirror. See, I was still attractive at least. Well, not right now with my bird nest hair and all–

Suddenly, I heard a loud bang crack through the air and a gust whooshed by. I jumped back, body planted tight against the wall and wondering what the fuck was going on.

And then I looked down. I should've known.

There was Miroku, lying flat on my door.

Yes. Lying flat. Yes. My door was on the floor.

Number five on my To Do list – complete as of three seconds from now.

Actually, it would've been complete, if he wasn't unconscious. What the fuck happened? Cautiously I kicked him in the side, nudging him with my foot. This was...unusual to say the least. What the hell did he get so worked up about that he ran into my door and knocked it down off its hinges? And then he passed out?

My life was so messed up.

So I threw my shirt back on and made my way out the door, carefully checking the apartment. Okay... So no one was here. No mass murderers chilling around. No crazies with chainsaws or machetes. All of that means...Miroku's on crack?

Nah. He likes his tequila too much for that shit.

Without any reason for Miroku's random outburst, I walked to my bedroom and changed, putting on the last pair of clean jeans and some stupid polo shirt every woman seems to drool over. I don't particularly know why, it just has some vertical blue strips on a white collared shirt. But, apparently, I look hot.

Well, I already knew that, but sometimes it's nice to hear.

When I was ready, I checked on Miroku one last time before deciding he was probably dead and left. I texted Sango to check on Miroku, only because I didn't want the stench of death in my "bachelor pad". Locking my place, I headed towards the elevator and took it to the underground basement. My lovely BMW Z4 convertible was waiting for me, all shiny and tantalizing with its sleek black finish and massive chrome rims. I quickly grabbed the seat cover out of the trunk, threw it on the passenger seat and then peeled out, wasting no time in the twenty minutes it took to get there.

And by "there" I mean Myoga Ogata's home; this annoying old man who breeds dogs. I got sucked into this whole breeding business when I bought my dog Bang from him. Obviously Bang was the best looking dog there, and Myoga gave me a discount on the twenty-two hundred dollar pup as long as I didn't get him fixed and allowed him to "do the dirty" every few months.

And what kind of owner would I be to a) cut off my dog's balls (ouch much? That must be some sort of guy code anyways) and b) stop him from laying bitches (every man needs a bitch to lay). Bang left with Myoga less than a week ago, and now I got to pick up the huge monster. Huge monster? Well, Bang is a Great Dane. From paw to shoulder he's three and half feet (yes, not including the neck and head of the massive thing) and standing on two paws...well, he's taller than me I hate to admit.

Lucky bastard.

I pulled into the roundabout driveway, shutting off the car and stepping out.

"ATTACK!"

Shit.

All of a sudden, Myoga's beady eyes peered from the doorway and out bounded this pure black, massive creature, galloping towards me so fast I had to run on the grass to make sure when I fell – not if – he didn't break my head open. Like I expected, Bang toppled into my legs and I flew forwards, landing on the grass with a curse.

And then, lickkkkkkkkk.

"Aw, Bang, that's nasty dude," I choked out, trying not to open my mouth. I turned over onto my back and started to pet him, scratching behind his ears and making growling noises.

Moments later, two shoe-covered feet approached my head and I tilted back, seeing the wide and somewhat creepy grin of Myoga. "Well, hello Master Inuyasha."

Please don't ask why he calls me that. Probably because I'm rich, drive nice cars, get girls with the snap of my fingers and own the coolest dog in the world. Unfortunately with Myoga, you never know. Honestly, I don't ever want to.

"Hey Myoga. What's up with Bang?"

The older gentleman sighed. "Nothing, as per usual. He eats like horse, he's the size of a horse and he managed to get the job done faster than I expected."

"Good boy Bang," I said, not cooing like most ridiculous people do but talking to him. Bang is a man (in dog form) and he deserves to be talked to as such. He doesn't deserve cooing and babying like a tool. No, my dog is a beast...a proud animal... Baby-talk is below him.

The only problem with Bang is he doesn't particularly like people. Sure, he likes me and yeah, he kind of likes Myoga (I personally don't think anyone can get used to his beady little bug eyes) but Sango and Miroku? He barks, gives a distasteful snort and goes to his bed. If they call him, he ignores them. If they pet him, he growls and saunters away. He would never bite or attack, but if a dog the size of a horse growls at you?

You learn to keep your hands to yourself.

"You, Master Inuyasha, would think that's good."

I'm not sure if he was insinuating that I was a man-whore or not, but I chose to ignore him. Getting up from the ground, I thanked Myoga and got into the driver's side, watching as Bang merely gave a small jump over the door and onto the passenger seat. This was part of the reason I drove a convertible, because a manly dog like my dog wouldn't want anyone to hold the door for him.

He's a man.

We drove off, Bang leaning against the seat with a goofy look on his massive face. His large tongue was lolling in and out as the wind flew at us. My hair was sure to be an even bigger bird nest than before, but there was no helping that.

"Hey Bang. Do you want to go to the park?"

Bang looked at me, looking ridiculous by tilting his head with his tongue still flying to the side. I took that as a yes and made the first U-turn possible, heading towards City Park. It was only a couple minutes away and soon we were in the small paved parking lot that led to a large grassy field. To the far left was a playground area for children. Paths winded around this and that for joggers and walkers and small wooden benches lined the trails facing both in and out, taking in every view.

I popped the trunk and took out a two tennis balls that I usually left in there. It wasn't because I was the ever-so-always prepared master. It was more because we used them one day, put them in the trunk and I was just far too lazy to take them out.

"Are you ready big guy?" I asked, showing him the tennis ball. I tapped him on the nose with it a couple times before winding up and throwing it as far into the open field as I could. Bang, all glossy black coat and hulk-like legs flew off, pointed ears flat to his head as he sped away into the distance. I ran towards him, ending up somewhere near the middle of the field before Bang came back, dropping the tennis ball at my feet. His tail wagged eagerly and his ears were facing my way. The other tennis ball still in my hand, I launched it into the air while cheering on Bang, watching him run faster and faster. The ball bounced a couple times, but Bang managed to catch it in his mouth and head back.

I already had the first tennis ball in my hand, and the moment he dropped the one in his mouth, I took a random swing and threw it into the air. I picked up the slob-covered green ball on the ground, taking a moment to watch the second ball fall back down to the grass. Bang was bounding dangerously close to some poor girl on a bench...

Shit.

I ran towards the bench, yelling "duck" at a woman taking pictures on a professional camera. For a second, I swear she was focusing the lens on me, but that was probably my ego talking. Bang started barking but it was far too late.

"Ow!" the woman yelled, hand rising to smooth what would probably be a very large bump on her head. She looked around to see the tennis ball I had thrown, Bang instantly spotting it as well and picking it up.

"Hello you," the woman said, and I noticed that she had really pretty black hair. It almost reached the wooden bench she was sitting on. I couldn't see her face because she was facing my dog instead of me, but I swear I've heard the voice before. "Well aren't you a good doggy?"

Oh no. Another reason I don't talk to Bang like a newborn baby is because he hates it. He starts growling and snorting and glaring and...

Bang dropped the tennis ball and licked her outstretched hand.

...

Pardon me?

"Hey you!" I yelled, almost at the bench. "Bang, get over here, please."

Bang tilted his head towards me before returning his gaze to the woman, licking her hand and bounding towards me. He stopped just at my feet, sitting down and staring at the tennis ball in my hand like it was gold. Well, I guess in Dog World it would be like bacon or something. Who knows? He was mesmerized to say the least and I shook my head at him. "Where's your ball?"

Bang barked at me before jogging over to the woman on the bench, her camera aimed at him. He didn't seem to notice her attention as he got the ball and came back. Without waiting until he dropped it, I launched another in the opposite direction of the bench.

"It would be you that threw a tennis ball at me."

I frowned, picking up the one Bang dropped before raising my head and noticing...her. Mystery Woman. The thought was almost hot enough to turn me on. I jogged towards her, flashing a smirk because all the women love that.

"Hey. I met you on the balcony right? Sango's friend?" I tried to play Mr. Cool, like I hadn't been thinking about her all of yesterday night. "Sorry about hitting you."

Mystery Woman gave a small smile before lifting the camera to her face again and taking shots of Bang coming back. I couldn't be sure, but I was positive she was laughing at something.

"Be careful. He's not fond of other people," I said, completely forgetting the fact that my dog had already betrayed me by licking her hand.

She lowered the camera. "Really? I didn't get that impression."

Yeah, of course you wouldn't, idiot. He licked your hand already because he's turning against me.

Bang suddenly nudged against my legs, ball at my feet and I wasted no time in throwing another one into the air.

"Well, apparently he likes you then," I stated, trying to sound offhand about the matter. Like, whatever. You already proved me wrong in about the first five seconds that I meet you again and bam, I already look like a tool. Thus, my ego has been deflated to a big puddle of mush that was once heroic pride and self-confidence.

It's okay though. My good looks win me over all the time.

Despite my recent lack of self-confidence.

"So," I started, not wanting to end the conversation being an awkward dork. "How do you know Sango?" That was kind of on my To Do list, was it not? I was supposed to ask my numbskull friends but whatever. Same shit. Different pile.

"I've known her since university," Mystery Woman answered. "We were roommates."

"And Miroku?"

She gave me a pointed look. "Well, through Sango, obviously."

Obviously. Wow. Didn't I look dumb?

"You don't have to be rude about it," I quipped, throwing another ball for Bang.

I watched her features from my peripherals, and she seemed somewhat taken aback by what I said. SCORE: Inuyasha, one. Mystery Woman, two.

Aw, fuck it.

"Sorry," she murmured; her deep brown eyes looking into mine. "I didn't mean to sound that way, if that's what you thought."

I shrugged. "Whatever. What's your name? Sango didn't mention it last night."

The girl laughed, startling me and halting me mid-throw. Bang whined impatiently, but I ignored him. What the hell was so funny?

"Probably because she thinks you're a man-whore."

Ouch. Mystery Woman, three.

Or does that count as a random Sango point?

I scoffed, throwing the ball again. "Right, because Sango knows anything about my love life. Seriously, do you actually know a thing about me?" I turned to her, crossing my arms and watching as she gazed up with big eyes.

Wow. She was really, really hot. I mean like...smoking. A smoke show!

Ha. Good one. I'd have to tell Miroku.

"No, I don't." She patted the bench beside her and scooted over. "What's your dog's name?"

I had a feeling that she just skipped over something that was important to me, but I couldn't really remember what it was because I was sitting down beside her.

Yes. Her boobs were definitely bigger up close. Probably a C with that cleavage...

"Hello?"

"Sorry," I mumbled, shaking my head. "Bang. His name is Bang."

"You named your dog Bang?" she asked sceptically and I smirked.

"BANG!" The dog came rushing over, faster than he was before. He sat down right in front of me, dropping the gooey tennis ball with his tongue lolling out. His big dark eyes looked at me and then her. "Lay down Bang," I ordered, and instantly he moved his front paws forward until his large belly touched the grass. "Roll over." He rolled over, partially getting stuck on his back because he was such a big dog it was hard to propel himself with any real force.

"Can I try?" Mystery Woman asked; full lips in a big smile.

I shook my head, trying not to bend down and kiss her. "Um, no. He doesn't listen to other–"

"Stay," she commanded, interrupting me mid-sentence before grabbing a tennis ball and throwing it in the field. Bang didn't move, just merely watched it fly through the sky. "Go get it boy!" Mystery Woman yelled and Bang shot off like bullet, speeding towards the ball and getting it.

I'm positive my mouth was hanging open, not going to lie there. Bang doesn't even go near other people. He doesn't let people scratch him behind the ears no matter how much they talk to him like a man. But no. This...woman...was baby-talking and cooing all over the place, ordering him around and he listened, the bastard.

"I thought you said he didn't listen to other people."

I grunted, trying not to be overly impressed with the fucking goddess beside me. I mean really? Hot beyond all hotness meters. Sexy voice. Shrouded in lustful mystery.

And my dog loves her.

"As I said before, he seems to like you." I couldn't really say anything else on the matter.

She nodded, a small smile playing on her lips. "So you never answered my question: why name him Bang?"

Because it's awesome, I thought, though I figured that wouldn't really be an appropriate, smooth answer. "Watch this." I gave her a sly smile and waited until Bang was at my feet again, sitting properly.

Suddenly, I turned both my hands into fake guns. "Bang bang!" I shouted, snapping my wrists to be more realistic. Instantly, Bang started to howl, whining lowly until he tilted to the grassy earth, put a paw over his massive nuzzle and closed his eyes.

Yes. I have the manliest dog in the fucking world.

Mystery Woman burst out laughing, reaching down and petting him. "You are such a good boy! Yes you are," she cooed and Bang shot up, eating up her attention like he ate up his occasional steak dinner I fed him. He was licking her and rubbing against her and dear lord, could he have made me look like an even bigger idiot? Why her, of all women? God only knows how many chicks have come to my apartment and ran into my room screaming because my dog almost ate their hand off.

I was looking at Bang, hardly paying any attention to the woman beside me. Quietly, I hear her whisper my name and I look at her, face serious because a) she whispered my name and that was fucking hot and b) well she's fucking hot anyways. Suddenly, I hear click click click and before I know it, she's snapped a good couple pictures of my deadpanned face.

Hell, she's going to laugh when she looks at those because I probably look stupid as hell. I'm not even smirking, which would be better because when she looked at the photo she would think attractive and not moron.

Well, it was obviously too late to fix anything because she was standing up and patting my dog. "Bye Bang, you awesome, massive doggy you!" Again, with the cooing... Ugh.

She gave me a small smile, held up her camera in a salute and then started walking away. I watched her go, particularly noticing the entrancing sway of her ass–

"Oh," she said as she turned around, still moving away from me. "And my name is Kagome. Kagome Higurashi. It's nice to meet you."

SCORE: Inuyasha, one-hundred. Mystery Woman (named Kagome, YES!), two. Sango, one.

To Do:

#6: Throw a tennis ball in the air, and hope to hell it hits her in the head again.

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