A/N: It's freaking hot. It's my birthday, I have a Political Science exam in approximately two hours, and I'm here posting Chapter One. Hugs and kisses to the darlings who reviewed my prologue, most notably ranchan-akari, a recurring reviewer whose comments always make me smile, and Always a Bookworm, whose reaction to the new story alert notice in her inbox was probably as nice as my reaction to getting the review alert in mine, but also all the others. You guys totally rock.

This chapter is for someone special. :)

Btw, just as a side note, I'm getting the crazy urge to write an Ouran/Death Note crossover. Someone please stop me before I actually do!

Laughs are ahead (hopefully; my sense of humor fails me as always). If you guys can find the time, can you tell me which is the funniest exchange you've ever read in any of my stories? What was the one that made you guys go 'Awwww!'? Which scenes did you guys hate? Authors need feedback to improve on their writing skills, so if you guys want better stories in the future, hit that review button and tell me!

Getting too long, so without further ado, Chapter One.

Chapter One: Factors Beyond Calculation

It was halfway through the fateful club session after 'the new Kaoru' had been appointed, and Haruhi had finally gotten up from her chair to head to Kyouya.

"You know, sempai, you should go over there and stop them," she said, blowing out an exasperated breath that made her bangs flutter.

"Me?" said Kyouya, his lips twitching. "Why don't you, Haruhi, since you seem so concerned?"

She let out a frustrated groan. "Kaoru, talk some sense into him! Tamaki-sempai's two steps away from making you an only child!"

"But it's entertaining," Kaoru complained. He gestured at some of the clients with them, who were ogling the scene as well, giggling. "The girls like it too. You can sit down and join us. Popcorn?"

"Have you been sitting there just watching them these last few minutes?"

"Well… yeah, actually. It's fun."

Kyouya had refused point-blank to allow the older Hitachiin to dye Tamaki's hair orange, bully him into conning anyone out of their week's allowance, or do anything Kaoru-ish at all (Kyouya did, however, state that Tamaki was free to hit Hikaru as much as Kaoru did, but at that Hikaru was the one who warned him that retaliation would be swift and brutal). "Tamaki's ratings are fine; yours aren't. So just sit with him and try to act as you are, Hikaru," the Shadow King had said. Besides that, Hikaru quickly learned that there was no point in getting Tamaki to say things in unison with him. The sophomore always failed. Especially when whatever it was that they were supposed to be saying together happened to be something a little bit risqué; Tamaki would blush and stammer and finally wail that he "HADN'T RAISED HIS SON TO BE LIKE THIS AT ALL!" So finally Hikaru caved.

But Hikaru had a very low sap tolerance to begin with, and as far as he concerned, what little he had was already spent enduring Kaoru and Kyouya's displays of affection. So when it came to club activities and Tamaki was unloading his usual syrupy words on the girls, he couldn't resist adding a little spice to the dialogue. And by the time Haruhi had marched up to the Shadow King to try to convince him to stop the redheaded devil, Tamaki had started to wish that he'd just complied with Hikaru's wishes and dyed his hair and maybe had plastic surgery to become the new Kaoru.

"Dearest princess, you are the only one—"

"Yeah, just like the last thirty 'only ones' he's been spouting this drivel to," Hikaru said, propping his feet up on the table and leaning back in his chair before the girl could reply with the usual, "Ohhh, Tamaki-sama!". By now he'd gotten the hang of Tamaki's routines, and his banter was getting funnier and funnier with each new client. The audience certainly seemed to think so; all the other hosts were munching on popcorn and watching along with their customers. A few were actually arguing about which retorts were the best, and others were betting on how much longer it would take before Tamaki cracked and pummeled Hikaru.

Not long, from the looks of the muscle jumping in the host king's jaw.

The ones who had bet on that particular time were disappointed as Tamaki merely shot his newfound partner a dark look before bravely plowing on, trying to ignore the crowd of spectators and the heckler at his side. "Your dewy eyes, your moist lips, you are like a rain goddess—"

"Dry up, milord. Why don't you make it short and just say that she's all wet?"

"I would swim the seven seas for your beauty—"

"Great idea; go jump in the lake."

"His timing is getting much better," Renge said approvingly, video camera in hand.

Something snapped in the older boy's purple eyes, but before he could strangle Hikaru, the client stood up with a little sigh. "I'm so sorry, Tamaki-sama. You're as sweet as ever, but this… this just isn't working out. I'll just designate you another day."

Tamaki sighed. "I deeply apologize, my princess… I shall pine the whole time we are separated." He knelt at her feet and kissed her hand. She gave him a little smile, showing that she wasn't completely annoyed, and walked away. It was the fifth customer already who had decided to simply leave, although all of them had been polite enough about it (well, except for the two who'd run away after Hikaru had reduced them to tears with a few well-placed cracks about their waistlines; Kyouya had nearly stopped him then, but was restrained by Kaoru and the girls).

"Aw, show's over," Hunny complained, his precious Usa-chan in hand.

Haruhi blinked. "Not you too, sempai!" She peeked at Mori and groaned when she saw that he'd been focused on them too.

"You have to admit that it's quite funny," Kyouya said with a shrug.

"Will it still be funny when the world will have one less redheaded devil to take care of?" Tamaki hissed, grabbing Hikaru by the collar and slamming him against the nearest wall. The girls squealed—the prince had gone into wild mode!

"No murder, Tamaki," the Shadow King said almost lazily, still not bothering to get up from his spot on the couch as Hikaru struggled against the older boy pinning him. Tamaki turned out to be surprisingly strong, but Hikaru chalked it up to adrenaline.

"Okay, okay, it's obvious that this isn't working out," Kaoru said, finally settling down (Tamaki looked close to tearing out his hair—or Hikaru's neck).

"Please, please, get him away already," Tamaki moaned. "He's ruining the spirit of being a host!"

Hikaru shrugged. "Look. I get enough goo from watching my brother make eyes at your creepy best friend, okay? I don't want to throw up every time I'm designated."

Now that Kaoru had gotten serious, it seemed that Kyouya had as well. He got to his feet and pried his best friend's fingers off the redhead. Hikaru almost fell to his knees, massaging his windpipe. "All right. We'll work out a compromise… Tamaki, you can stop grinding your teeth now."

"If the girls still walk away next time, it's either him or me," the other boy threatened.

An amused glint suddenly entered the Shadow King's eyes. "Stop being so melodramatic," Kyouya said. "I assure you, Tamaki, that by the next session, the girls will be after you two in droves."

Striking a deal with a devil is never a good idea, no matter how desperate you are and how harmless he made his proposition sound. Really, Tamaki should have known better by now, but he tended to have poor memory when it came to Kyouya.

It had been great, at first. Tamaki had just sat down with his first customer for the day, and Hikaru was nowhere in sight. "My lady, at long last, I can be alone with you," he breathed, taking her hand. Roses seemed to bloom in his background out of nowhere. "I was so grieved to be away from you, you who are my light, my everything!"

"Oh, Tamaki-sama," she squealed. "You move me to tears!"

"Oh, don't let tears stain those lovely cheeks," he replied, clasping her hand to his cheek. "I am but your humble knight."

"Really now?" The hairs on Tamaki's neck stood up at the sound of that familiar, mischievous voice coming from directly behind them.

"Hikaru," he mumbled, turning around to face his partner. The customer looked up at them in apprehension—not surprising, considering yesterday's debacle. Tamaki shot a panicked look at Kyouya, but the Shadow King just smiled blandly back at him.

"W-why don't you sit down then?" Tamaki offered grudgingly.

But instead of flopping down on a seat with them and interjecting with another sharp-tongued comment, Hikaru continued standing behind Tamaki, one hand idly sliding to the older boy's shoulders, trailing down to his chest. "So here I come in and find the knight professing his love for the princess. And what if that humble white knight gets… detained… by a certain dark lord, hmm?" He flashed a smile at the girl, predatory and calculating. "I'm afraid the poor princess may have to wait a little… I'm not sure I'd like to hand over this knight in shining armor to her anytime soon."

"Hi-hi-Hikaru, what on earth are you—ah!" Tamaki flushed as Hikaru leaned in close to his face… close enough to kiss him. Haruhi, who'd already been poised to ask Kyouya to intervene, froze in her tracks and watched them along with everyone else, slack-jawed.

"What's the matter, milord?" purred the Hitachiin, a wicked laugh dancing in his eyes. Tamaki tried to turn away, but the other boy grabbed his chin and forced their gazes to meet. Tamaki had to stare up at him, half-hypnotized. "Cat got your tongue? I'm afraid I can't allow that… your tongue is reserved exclusively for me."

"Wow, this is even more entertaining than yesterday," Kaoru snickered. The rest of the girls were watching with hearts in their eyes as Renge let out a high-pitched squeal and whipped out her video camera. "How did you get Hikaru to agree, sempai?"

"Please. This is the equivalent of a prank to him. Just look at that smirk on his face." Kyouya scribbled some notes on the new pair in his notebook. He didn't even flinch when Kaoru wrapped his arms around him and peeked at the top part of the pages. He trusted him enough by now to let him have the occasional glimpse of the sacred notebook. "He's not even a fraction as manipulative as you are, but he has his own sadistic tendencies. He likes seeing Tamaki squirm." He shrugged. "When it comes down to it, we all do."

The host king took a shuddery breath and told himself to focus. Tamaki seemed to think that ignoring Hikaru was the only route to take. Unfortunately, Hikaru didn't like being ignored—and the redhead never made it easy to begin with. "Princess, rest assured that I would never let any foul enemy tear me from your side—ack! Hikaru, hands—hands in weird places! Get off me!" A few girls actually collapsed foaming at the mouth as his voice went up nearly an entire octave higher, making Hikaru smirk even more.

"Persuade me," Hikaru said cheekily. "And in case you can't come up with anything, I can think of quite a few ways you can try."

Tamaki's eyes widened, eyes starting to water from the pressure the other boy's hands were now exerting on him, pressed flush against his neck and collarbone. "Ow… Hi—Hikaru…"

The younger boy grinned. "You know, milord… I like it when you cry."

"KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

"The… the moe…" Renge was lit up like a Christmas tree, frantically taping and trying to write plotlines for a new fanfic at the same time.

The younger Hitachiin's brow furrowed. "Did you coach him on this?" Kaoru asked Kyouya suspiciously. "This doesn't sound one hundred percent like Hikaru."

Kyouya chuckled. "What's the matter, Kaoru? Afraid that I'm actually hiding some bad hobbies from you?"

Kaoru grinned. "Oh really… sounds like fun. Count me in if you ever decide to tell me about them." Kyouya just smirked and reached for the redhead, pulling him on his lap.

"Later," he whispered into his ear, and Kaoru couldn't tell whether he was joking or not. Kyouya's smirk widened at the expression he'd just put on his boyfriend's face.

"That was a huge gamble, sempai," Haruhi joined in, stopping over from refilling the teapot for some of her customers, who were busy ogling the spectacle. "I mean sure, most of the clients like it, but what if Tamaki-sempai's girls don't? I mean, he's the prince type…"

Kyouya raised an eyebrow with an elegance that most people would have had to practice in front of the mirror to get right; his came naturally. "I don't gamble, Haruhi. I only deal with certainties."

And from the way the girl had passed out with a creepy smile and a nosebleed, she definitely couldn't argue. Kyouya wasn't the type to say 'I told you so'—he never needed to—but she caught the self-satisfied gleam in his eyes just before the light flashed off his glasses, obscuring his expression. He continued watching the pair as a new customer was ushered in to take the other girl's place. "I foresee a flood of requests for this newfound partnership."

"Besides, Haru-chan, can we really still call Tama-chan the prince type?" Hunny asked. "Considering that the girls have seen a lot of his…"He paused, as through looking for the right way to phrase it.

"Stupidity?" the blunt cross-dresser filled in.

"Cruel as ever, Haruhi," Kaoru said with a grin. "And the best part is that you don't even know it."

"It was mostly your fault, Haruhi," Kyouya told her. "Tamaki may have been an idiot since birth, but he only really started showing off his ridiculous nature when you came along. Trying to get your attention and fussing over you in the most childish manner imaginable… honestly."

"Huh?" She cocked her head to one side. "Why would he want to get my attention?"

Even Mori couldn't resist joining in this time as he smiled fondly at his girlfriend. "The best part really is that you don't know it, Haruhi."

"W-w-what the hell was that?" Tamaki spluttered, shivering, as Mori escorted their last customers out. His cheeks were splotched with pink, and his hair was mussed from Hikaru molesting him for the last twenty or so customers. "Kyouya, I demand an explanation!"

Kyouya didn't even look up from where he was tallying up their earnings for the day. He was so efficient and so used to it that he could complete the task in less than half an hour now. "Your ratings were tripled today, Tamaki. Aren't you pleased?"

"Pleased?" Tamaki echoed, going from pink to purple. He grabbed the papers Kyouya had been writing on, earning a glare from his best friend which he ignored even though he knew that it would mean a lot of pain for him later on. No one interrupted the Shadow King in the middle of his work without suffering. "I've just been groped to within half an inch of my life! Mother, how can you let your son be so wicked and wayward?"

"He must take after his father."

Hikaru gave them a mock-salute. "What can I say? I'm no mama's boy." He wiggled his eyebrows. "Hey milord, up for some special 'father-son bonding'?"

It was the last straw. The blonde let out a howl of anguish.

"KKK-YYYYYYYY-OOOOOOOOO-UUUUUUUU-YYYYYYYYYYY-AAAAAAAAAAAA!"

The Shadow King finally slammed his hands on the table, making everyone jump. He hated it when Tamaki dragged his name out like that. Especially since the whole campus (and everyone in a sixty-mile radius) had probably heard him. "I don't see what you have to complain about, Tamaki. He's stopped disrupting your routine—if anything, he enhances it. You're more popular than ever. You can hardly say that he's 'ruining the spirit of being a host'."

Tamaki turned glistening eyes at him. "So it doesn't matter to you in the least that your best friend is being molested? I can't believe that you don't care about me!"

"I don't," Kyouya said flatly, setting off a fresh batch of wails and tears. If there was one thing he'd learned from Haruhi, it was that being cruelly honest with Tamaki was sometimes too tempting to resist.

Kaoru rolled his eyes. "Lighten up, milord. It's no different from what he did with me and you never heard me whining, did you?"

"Whining… somehow it captures the tone but not his movement. What do you think is the best word for what Tamaki-sempai is doing?" Haruhi whispered to Hunny as the two of them plus Mori watched from the sidelines.

"I think… 'flailing'," Hunny whispered back, giggling into his stuffed bunny.

"B-b-but… okay, so that was wrong too!" Tamaki said, reddening.

Kyouya raised an eyebrow. "As I recall, Tamaki, you were the one who suggested that they use brotherly love as their selling point—and you were quite correct; it was profitable. Then again, you have always been acknowledged as the club's resident pervert…"

"What?! I'm not!"

"Remember all the things you tried to do to Haru-chan back in Karuizawa?" Hunny piped up.

"Oh yeah. The blindfold and everything," Hikaru said, grinning.

"Hmph. Like father, like son, Hikaru," said Kaoru.

"You're my twin. You're his son too." The older redhead propped his feet up on the table, ignoring the death-glare the action earned him. "You realize that you're carrying on with our mom over there, yeah?" he asked, jerking his head over at Kyouya.

"Well, if our dad wasn't such an idiot, maybe mom wouldn't have strayed," snorted Kaoru.

"Can't argue with you there."

Tamaki glared at them as they continued bantering, then turned back to Kyouya. "Just change it already! I don't want to have anything to do with this! We're both boys! It's weird and I don't like it!"

There was a moment of silence as the joking hushed before Mori shook his head. "Tamaki. Think before you talk."

The dark-haired sophomore shut his notebook with an ominous slam. "I know you're entitled to your opinions, Tamaki, but I find that there is nothing weird about two people of the same gender being in love."

Comprehension dawned on the other boy's face, all his protests dying on his lips. Kaoru slipped from his position beside Hikaru to stand next to his boyfriend, golden eyes fastened on Tamaki all the while. "Oh… oh no, Kyouya… I didn't mean it like that. I'm sorry—"

Kaoru whispered a few words to Kyouya, seemingly placating him. Kyouya just shrugged in response, still annoyed, but he nodded. "Never mind, milord, we know you say stupid stuff all the time without meaning to," Kaoru said with a brittle smile, his look and tone conveying so many things: unhappiness, anger, understanding, and ultimately, absolution. It almost hurt to look at that expression. Now they knew what Hikaru had meant when he'd said that Kaoru could kill a person just with his face. Of course, it was to be expected from someone who had The Bambi Eyes. "We're kind of used to it. And it's not easy to adjust to having a gay best friend anyway."

"I'm… I'm really…"

"And they call me insensitive?" Hikaru wondered out loud.

When fingers callused by making clothes continued to stroke his wrist, the Shadow King finally caved. "In any case, Tamaki, let's pretend this never happened. And I don't see why we have to change anything," Kyouya said, his expression unreadable behind his glasses. "The girls enjoy it, and they would be disappointed if we didn't present it when school resumes after the weekend. Besides, you're not in love. It shouldn't matter. He won't go too far." The or else was implied.

Hikaru nodded. "Yeah, I won't… much," he said, unable to resist adding a last jab. Both his brother and the Shadow King shot him warning looks, and he held up his hands in surrender. After what had just happened, even he wasn't stupid enough to push them. "Okay, okay."

Suddenly the trademark smirk was back on Kyouya's face. "Well then. I suggest the two of you should practice, right? Let's get this absolutely perfect." He exchanged a glance with Kaoru; they did that infuriating mental conversation thing that they seemed to have down to an art, and suddenly the younger twin's golden eyes were gleaming.

"That's right," he chimed in. "You two will meet over the weekend to rehearse."

"But—"

"I was going to play that new—"

"What was that?" Kyouya asked, tone dripping icicles.

"Nothing," muttered the other two.

Kaoru clapped his hands gleefully. "Aren't you glad? Just like you said, Hikaru—some special 'father and son' bonding!"

"Oh, milord. Why don't you come in? Don't just stand there gawping like an idiot." It was already noon, but Hikaru was still lounging in bed wearing nothing but boxers, a sight that had made Tamaki screech something about innocence and chastity and "MY EYES ARE BURNING, HIKARU, BURNING!" Hikaru had ignored him, yanked him inside, and hadn't bothered to throw anything else on. The maids had shown Tamaki up to his room, and Tamaki was beginning to wish he'd insisted that they just leave him in the living room. Then again, Kyouya and Kaoru were down there, doing some 'tutoring' (though Tamaki had no idea when tutoring had begun involving so much hand-holding and things which made Kaoru gasp in ways that made Kyouya laugh like that).

"Hikaru, aren't you scared?" Tamaki blurted out.

The redhead stretched, cat-like, still drowsy. They'd always said that there was something distinctly feline about the Hitachiin twins: finicky, temperamental, and graceful. "Of what?"

"Kyouya and Kaoru were a little too… weird," the Host King elaborated, keeping eyes screwed firmly upward instead of gawking at the other boy's chest. It made Hikaru smirk; as though they weren't both boys? "I mean, at the end of yesterday's meeting."

Hikaru shrugged. "Obviously plotting something. And your monster of a best friend was the one who came up with whatever it is that they're going to do. But I don't see why that would involve me—you're the one who insulted them like that."

Tamaki shot him a wounded look. "I didn't mean it that way! Anyway, you always complain about the two of them, and no one ever says anything!"

"Please. I'm the older brother character trying to save his pure, adorable little twin from being corrupted from a demon. I'm the hero. I'm not against him being gay, just being with… that." His eyes narrowed briefly before he looked back at Tamaki. "And you, on the other hand, are just the big-mouthed airhead who made the wrong comment at the wrong time. Way different."

"I didn't mean to," Tamaki said, pouting. "I don't mean it like that…"

Hikaru considered teasing Tamaki some more, but decided that his room wasn't equipped to deal with the waterworks that would inevitably ensue. "Yeah, yeah, Kaoru had a point when he said we all know how stupid you can be, so don't worry about it too much."

"But still…" Tamaki said.

Hikaru snorted, grabbing his controllers and flopping down on his carpet to play his latest blood-and-guts game. Blowing up bad guys was way more important than listening to Tamaki. "Tell me why I should be worried. It's just you, anyway."

"Because they suddenly brought up us practicing this weekend," the blonde pointed out. "If it was just me, they would have done something else."

Hikaru pondered that for a moment as he gunned down an enemy onscreen. "You might have a something there," he acknowledged. "So whatever they're thinking up has got me in mind too. I don't know why though. I haven't done anything that would piss them off."

"You made two girls cry in the club, Hikaru."

"All I did was gently recommend that they diet…"

The blonde sat down on his bed, looking as though he was afraid that the over-stuffed mattress would bite him. "Hikaru, I wouldn't call what you said to them gentle."

Hikaru snorted. "Fat people are fat."

"You told her, 'Hey porky, spandex is a privilege, not a right'!"

"And I'm one hundred percent correct about that." Hikaru rolled his eyes. "Okay, so maybe I was a little too honest, but that doesn't exactly warrant—"

"Well, there was that time when you tried to kill Kyouya last Tuesday—"

"Hey, that was an accident!"

Tamaki raised an eyebrow. "Five flowerpots dropping where he was standing? How far do you think the dumb blonde stereotype goes?"

Hikaru swore under his breath. "Okay, fine, but Kaoru already beat me senseless for that one. And it's not like his bodyguards didn't throw him clear."

"What about when you leaked all that ink on his club costume on Friday?"

"Well, he already charged me for that… and Kaoru managed to fix it, damn it. He's already an expert on fabrics and design." Kaoru had already far outstripped him in his knowledge of fashion, and it grated on him a little.

"And you did superglue his notebook to the table two days ago. Kyouya was really angry about that."

Hikaru's character got a bullet in the side when he turned his head to glare at Tamaki. "That wasn't me!"

"Kyouya did a DNA scan on it."

"Well, maybe it was Kaoru. We do have the same DNA."

Tamaki gave him a look that even Haruhi would have been proud of.

"Okay, fine, it wasn't Kaoru, then." Hikaru groaned, finally hitting the pause button. If what Tamaki said was right, he was better off strategizing in the real world than the 2D one. "So you're saying they're after the both of us."

The older boy nodded, frowning, then lit up. "That's it! They think that I'm going to kick up a fuss and we'll both make each other completely miserable!"

He pondered on it. Kaoru knew him better than anyone, and he also knew that one of the few people who could well and truly get on his nerves was Tamaki. The fact that the sophomore didn't even mean to just made things worse. "Simple… but believable. They were probably too busy flirting to come up with something better anyway." Hikaru scowled at the thought.

"So what do you think we should do?"

A grin unfurled on the other boy's mouth. "Why not let them think it backfired, hmm?"

"Backfired?"

"Yes… and in the most amusing way possible."

"Hunny-sempai… please pinch me. OW!"

The blonde look up at her repentantly. "Sorry, Haru-chan. You asked."

"I just forgot how strong you were, that's all," she mumbled, rubbing at the sting on her arm. Mori gently stroked it with his thumb. "I had to make sure that I wasn't dreaming."

"You're not," Hunny said, shaking his head.

"Well, that's what a dream would say, now wouldn't it?"

Kaoru rolled his eyes at their conversation. "It's real, Haruhi. If Hunny-sempai's pinch wasn't enough, I can always bop you on the head."

"…I'm starting to think that Hikaru's right and you're secretly a sadist."

Kaoru grinned. "What do you mean 'secretly'?"

Tamaki was sitting on Hikaru's lap.

Hikaru was running a hand along Tamaki's spine, making the blonde shiver. Tamaki was still talking to the girls, but every once in a while he would turn his eyes to Hikaru and blush, and stammer and… well, he acted like one of Mori's customers when they were making a confession to the stoic senior. But Hikaru was no Mori, and his smirk grew wider and wider and his comments even more daring as the day went on. They got so bad that Mori even covered Hunny's ears after some point.

"I'm sorry, but what happened over the weekend?" Haruhi demanded. "I thought Tamaki-sempai was on the 'oh-no-this-isn't-happening' train of thought."

Mori just looked at Kaoru, who shrugged, all innocence. "Seriously, nothing. No tricks, I swear. This time it isn't one of mine, or sempai's. They're doing this on their own. They spent the whole Saturday and Sunday together holed up in Hikaru's room."

"And you don't know what they were up to?" Haruhi frowned. "For all you knew Hikaru was using Tamaki-sempai as a human dartboard the whole time!"

Kaoru shrugged again. "Look, Haruhi. I respect my brother's boundaries and he respects mi—hey, last time I checked he barged in on me and sempai all the time." He scowled before Hunny cleared his throat, shaking him out of his annoyed thoughts. "Well, anyway, sempai and I were a little preoccupied at the time, so I didn't really check. I figured they were just killing each other anyway, no big deal."

"Preoccupied how?" Haruhi asked.

They paused.

"Ne, Kyou-chan, you're the mom, right? So you should tell your daughter all about the birds and the bees before it's too late," Hunny piped up. "She's at that age already." Kyouya chuckled before continuing to scribble furiously in his notebook.

"Better yet, get Mori-sempai to give you a demo, Haruhi," Kaoru whispered in her ear, causing her to redden.

"I already know all about sex!" she yelped, causing heads to turn in their direction.

"Wow, Haruhi, so young and already an expert… now that's what we call a precocious child," the redhead said slyly, laughing at the look on her face.

"Looks like they're falling for it," Tamaki whispered to Hikaru. "Er… Hikaru, don't touch me there."

"Still not used to it?" the younger boy whispered back. To everyone else it looked like they were murmuring words of endearment to each other. "Jeez. Think of it like undergoing a medical exam. It's just your body."

"My body is chaste, Hikaru," hissed the host king.

"Yeah, yeah, you do know that none of us buy that whole innocent act, right? We all know you're a pervert." Hikaru rolled his eyes. He really didn't get all that fuss about 'saving yourself for the right person' or whatever. A body was a body. His just happened to be better than most.

It wasn't until the end of club activities that Kyouya spoke up. "Tamaki, Hikaru…" he cleared his throat. "Well done." There was an odd inflection in his words, however, that made the two sit up and pay attention; you could only hear it if you listened closely and knew Kyouya well. "Just don't get overly carried away, all right?"

"Sorry but… it's a little late for that," Hikaru said with a cocky grin.

Haruhi's brow furrowed. "What?"

Blushing, Tamaki allowed lithe arms to wrap around his neck. "We've already gotten carried away."

Hunny gasped. "You mean the two of you are together? Really, Tama-chan?"

Tamaki nodded. "It just happened," he said, smiling. Inside he wanted to laugh, and he quickly turned to look at the expression on Kyouya's face. To his disappointment, the light was glinting off his glasses, making it impossible to tell what the Shadow King was thinking. Kaoru didn't have anything to hide behind, so at least the new pair could tell that he was biting something back, as though there was something he wanted to say or do but was barely controlling himself. Hikaru smirked. Obviously his brother was totally shocked.

"I don't believe it," Haruhi said flatly. "No way. Nice try, Hikaru. How did you con Tamaki-sempai into going along with this?"

"I'm so hurt, Haruhi. You'd actually dismiss our feelings like this," Hikaru said, clasping a hand to his heart.

"Given past experience, always doubt what Hikaru says," she said. "You're a consummate liar."

He grabbed Tamaki and spun him around. "You want proof?"

And the French boy's eyes widened as Hikaru placed his lips firmly on his. Oh God oh God what the hell is Hikaru doing? He was dimly aware of a hand sliding through his hair and his eyelids closing somehow, but other than that he didn't remember much.

The others watched in silence for a while, stunned, before Kaoru remarked, "You guys have to come up for air eventually, Hikaru. Milord looks like he's about to pass out."

The older twin drew back. "Sorry. We're still… you know."

"Adjusting," Haruhi supplied, flushed. She wasn't a fangirl, sure, but it was kind of impossible not to react to two insanely handsome men making out in front of her.

"I'll get better with practice," Hikaru said with a shrug.

"Doesn't look like Tama-chan's complaining, though," Hunny noted. The sophomore was still standing there completely shell-shocked, heat rising in his cheeks.

Hikaru slung an arm around Tamaki's shoulders, smirking. "Of course not. I'm a natural." Then finally he couldn't take it anymore and burst out laughing. "You should have seen the looks on your faces!"

Haruhi let out a relieved breath. "You idiot. Don't play pranks like that." The others laughed, except Kyouya, whose brow was furrowed slightly.

"No harm, no foul, Haruhi," Hikaru said with a little grin.

The Shadow King sighed. "Only if there really is no harm, Hikaru."

The others were already leaving, laughing and chatting. Kyouya paused at the doorway while waiting for Kaoru to finish putting away his books to call out, "Tamaki, are you leaving yet?" That was when Hikaru noticed that the Host Club king was still frozen in one spot, eyes huge. He was like some overly flashy statue standing in the center of the room.

Kyouya let a moment pass—Tamaki still wasn't moving, answering and by all indications, just barely breathing. He glared at Hikaru. He may have been overly patient (by his standards, anyway) with the older Hitachiin for his boyfriend's sake, but Tamaki was still his best friend.

He would not tolerate anyone (else) messing with his head like that.

"Sorry about that," Kaoru said, still unable to rid himself of the habit of apologizing for whatever Hikaru did wrong. "My brother's an idiot, you know."

"Rectify this," Kyouya ordered before taking Kaoru's hand and leading him out. Haruhi, Hunny and Mori seemed to think that it was only fair that he take the consequences of pulling that prank on them, and so left him alone with the blonde.

"Hello? Milord? Are you still alive?" Hikaru poked him. "I have some great pictures of Haruhi in a naughty librarian outfit…"

"WHAT?! How dare you besmirch my daughter's purity with such—"

"I was lying." They were only Photoshopped, and he had never shown them to anyone, not even Kaoru. "Looks like you're back with the living. I was that good, huh?"

"You—you stole my first kiss!" Tamaki spluttered.

Hikaru raised an eyebrow. "That was your first? Somehow I thought, you know, being European and all, you'd have way more experience."

The blonde shot him a withering look. "You don't understand! I was saving myself for the one I love, okay?"

Of course he had no idea that he had already once pounced on Kyouya while he was drunk, and that everyone in the club knew except him and Hikaru.

"You sound like some girl wailing that I deflowered you."Hikaru sighed. He hated messy emotional scenes. Anger was okay, he didn't mind dealing with a punch or two, especially since he could give as good as he got. But this was another thing entirely. He didn't know how to handle someone who wasn't hitting him; what was he supposed to do, screech back? He wished that Kaoru hadn't left and contemplated making his own getaway. The thought of Kyouya exacting quick revenge on him for not following orders, however, kept him rooted in place. Instead, he tried reason. "Okay, I'm sorry. But Haruhi was onto us. I did the best I could under the circumstances—you didn't do jack to help out with the prank, you know. You're a really bad Kaoru substitute. Besides, I like to think I'm not a bad kisser, so it can't have been that traumatizing, right?"

Tamaki slumped into a sitting position on the floor and cradled his head in his hands. "I think I'm going to be sick."

"Wow. Real flattering, milord."

"You've probably had lots of practice, right?" Tamaki groaned.

"No, that was my first kiss too," Hikaru said. "If you don't count Kaoru when we were kids and didn't know what we were doing."

Tamaki raised his head. "I'm your first kiss?"

"Well. Yeah. And I'm yours. It's not really that big a deal to me. I mean, it feels good, sure, but does it really matter?"

"It felt good?"

Hikaru almost reddened at that, but instead he replied, "Well, you don't hear me whining about wanting to throw up, do you? I'm not that much of a crybaby."

"I'm not a crybaby! I just… I'm a romantic," Tamaki shot back.

"Well, you've already lost your lip virginity and no matter how big your collection of Harlequin romance novels is that's not going to change, so what does it matter now?"

"I didn't want to lose it like that," Tamaki wailed. "It's so unfair! I didn't hear any fireworks or sparks and the world didn't stop and—"

Hikaru rolled his eyes. "Would you like violins with that?"

"YES!"

The freshman snorted. "And I thought I was the younger one. Why do I always end up with the most problematic ukes? First it was incest with my sadistic little brother, then it was a crossdresser who happens to be dating a guy who could beat me up with both hands tied behind his back, and now I have a whiner who can't get over one little kiss." He patted Tamaki's head. "Stop fussing, milord. You're a man. Forget about it."

"How am I just supposed to forget about it?" Tamaki wailed.

Kyouya looked ready to bean him with a pillow—and probably would have if his father hadn't been in the next room. While most of his family was already used to him 'roughhousing' with Tamaki (beginning with the first time Fuyumi had walked in on him atop the other boy, half-killing him and continuing to just last week when the host king was bound, gagged, and left in a room for two hours for accidentally hitting Kaoru when he was excitedly babbling something about commoner outings), he was careful never to do it in front of his father. "Tamaki, you're too loud… and you're cutting in on valuable date time."

He and Kaoru were sitting side by side on the couch, books and tea spread out in front of them; but really, it was impossible to study together while the blonde assaulted their ears with all that noise. Kyouya had had enough practice to be able to tune out his best friend, but holding a conversation with his other half over the noise was another thing entirely. And as everyone already knew, disturbing Kyouya and Kaoru was never good for one's health.

"But Kyouya, this is all your fault! If you and that devilish twin hadn't tried to make us drive each other crazy like that…" The French boy's lower lip quivered, a fresh onslaught of tears looming on the horizon. "Now mother must deal with daddy being upset! Isn't mom sad in the least that dad's first kiss was stolen?"

Kyouya's eyebrow twitched. "How did we get kids if you've never even kissed?"

"Kyouya, everyone knows that the stork delivers kids down the chimney!"

Kaoru glanced at Kyouya, amused. "Should we tell him?"

"What, the facts of life? I don't know… it's more amusing to leave him this ignorant. Besides, it's all an act. He's the pervert king, remember?"

The younger boy stifled a laugh. "No, I mean…" He raised an eyebrow.

"We may as well," the Shadow King said, clearly exasperated. "That is, if he can be quiet for the half second it will take you to say it."Tamaki pouted but shut up.

"Milord, our plan of counterattack wasn't to make you two argue at all," the redhead said, golden eyes twinkling. "We already figured that you guys would think that. The real plan was to make you two idiots try to turn it against us, and of course Hikaru picked exactly the way I thought he would." He smirked. "Well, we are twins. I can almost hear him thinking. I bet you guys didn't think that right after your stupid crack about homosexuality I was already telling sempai that we should do something to get back at you both."

Tamaki's jaw dropped open as he processed what the younger Hitachiin had just said.

Kaoru observed him carefully as he snuggled close to Kyouya. "Wait for it… wait for it…"

"You… you MONSTERS!"

"Oh no. You can't really blame us. All we did was anticipate your futile attempts at scheming. It's your own fault and besides, I told you two not to get carried away," Kyouya said. "I can't help it if you two never listen to me."

Besides, his eyes seemed to say, did you really think that you and Hikaru could ever one-up us? Haruhi had already muttered something about 'the Manipulative Pair', with the way she said the words making it obvious that it had to be in capitals. The rest of the club members had immediately taken up the newfound title and occasionally referred to them using it—in fact, the two were actually a little proud of it.

Of course, the girls had no idea that they were that evil. They all seemed to think that Kaoru was some innocent little angel now that he was apart from his wilder twin brother and well, they acknowledged that Kyouya did have a bit of a scary streak but according to Renge that was what made him so damn hot.

That line made the hosts unanimously state that girls were crazy (even Haruhi agreed—and Kyouya).

"You think maybe he'd handle it better if we told him that you were actually his first kiss?" Kaoru whispered to Kyouya, making his partner choke on a gulp of Earl Gray.

The Shadow King shot him a black look over the tops of his eyeglasses. "Kaoru, light of my life… over my dead body. Besides, do you really think that he'll be thrilled that he… as your brother would put it, 'jumped me'?"

"Okay, good point. Him being assaulted versus him doing the assaulting, the pain versus the guilt… tough call."

"Why don't you go pester Hikaru about this instead of bothering us?" Kyouya asked Tamaki.

Tamaki sat up. "Hey… yeah, you're right, mom! Why didn't I think of that?"

The Shadow King exchanged a glance with Kaoru. Usually Kyouya could foresee all possible outcomes, but even he couldn't perfectly predict certain wild cards. And Tamaki's weird thought process happened to be one of those things. "Erm, milord?" Kaoru ventured, sounding a little like he was approaching a wild animal. "What are you…?"

"Kyouya, I should have thought of it myself!" Tamaki was nodding furiously. Wheels seemed to be turning in his (empty) head. "I don't really like it, but now… I see I have no alternative." He bolted out he door, calling out his thanks over his shoulder.

"Why do I feel like we're in for something insane at club tomorrow?" Kaoru muttered.

Kyouya took a sip of his already-cold tea and made a face. "Club is always insane," he pointed out.

"Yes, but I bet you milord will do something so outrageous that at least half the girls will faint," Kaoru said with a wicked grin.

"I know better than to bet against that," Kyouya mused. His mind was already racing, going through as many possible outcomes as it could. That was how the Shadow King's mind operated: he tried to foresee any situation, and he was usually successful. With Tamaki in the works, however, he had to get creative. Nothing was too outrageous for his best friend. "I think half is underestimating him, given how we don't know what on earth he's talking about."

"Three-quarters?"

"I'm estimating eighty percent," Kyouya decided, pushing his glasses up. "At least."

The next day, Kyouya, Kaoru, the rest of the Host Club and all of its customers were treated to the sight of Tamaki marching up to Hikaru, spinning him around and saying (very loudly), "Take responsibility!" before he pulled the other boy in for a kiss.

A/N: And... DONE! Stupid Tamaki. :) Liked it? Hated it? I'd love to hear either. Again, if you guys have any requests, you can include them in a review or PM me. Remember, more reviews, faster updates. If I get a certain number of updates (I have the number fixed in my mind but I can't tell you guys what it is yet) I'll post the next chapter immediately. Thanks for reading and have a fantastic summer.