Left to his own thoughts, Julian grabbed the black phone from his nightstand and started turning it over and over in his hands. His mind wandered to Logan and his last words. He had said that he needed him to remember. Remember what though? How was he supposed to remember something that had been wiped from his memory without anyone telling him anything? How was he supposed to even remotely know what Logan had meant? It could be anything.
With a quick motion he unlocked the phone's touchscreen and scrolled through his contacts. He paid no attention to the first couple of entries, the first one he found was Derek's number and shortly after that an entry labelled 'Dolce, Mum'. Interesting, he thought, apparently not a number he dialled very often, otherwise he wouldn't have to keep it in his phone because he'd be able to remember it. Julian shrugged, guessing they weren't that close if his mother had sent him to a boarding school across the country.
Scrolling further down, he stopped at Logan's name. He had a hard time making sense of everything that had happened since he woke up.
Julian slowly started listing the things he knew in his head.
"My name is Julian Larson-Armstrong. I'm 17 years old and apparently an actor. Earlier today I woke up from a coma after I was involved in a catastrophe at the boarding school I attend. I know that I have something to do with that but no one explained anything to me. I have two best friends of whom I have no memories. Derek and Logan seem to be genuinely worried about me though, so we have to be kind of close."
Julian paused, wracking his brain for more facts about his life.
"Come on, this can't be everything that is left. There's got to be more…" Frustrated Julian lay back down, staring blankly up at the ceiling. He couldn't even remember the simplest things, nothing. Did he have a nice childhood or were his parents always trying to push him into acting? Was he close with his dad? Did he teach him how to throw a ball? How to climb trees? Did he have brothers and sisters? Or maybe a pet? With a jolt Julian sat back up again. There was something on the tip of his tongue, a name. Something important, something close to his heart. Some…someone to keep him company. "Sonic," he whispered, feeling the name run off his tongue easily. That's got to be something right?
In his haste to discover who exactly Sonic was to him, he dropped his phone twice before sending a quick text to Logan
Julian: Who's Sonic?
Logan: You remembered something.
Julian: Yes. So?
Logan: Out of everything you could've remembered you remembered him? Why couldn't you just remember something about me?
Julian rolled his eyes. Why was Logan making it so easy for him to mock him?
Julian: Huh, I can't see the reason why my brain would ignore anything about you. Tell me.
Logan: He's your pet. Couldn't you remember anything important?
Julian: Ass. If I remembered him that means he's important. What kind of pet?
Logan: Doesn't seem that important if you can't even remember his species.
Julian: Fuck you.
Logan: Eloquent as always.
Julian threw his phone back onto the covers angrily. Why did this guy have to be so frustrating? Taking a few deep breaths he tried to calm himself. A minute later his phone buzzed again.
Logan: He's a hedgehog and yes, he's important to you.
Logan: I'm sorry for being annoying. If it makes you feel better, Derek hit me again.
Julian: You sure have to apologize a lot.
Julian: You deserved being hit. :P
Logan: Yeah, it's a problem. Just…
Julian: Just what Logan? More you're not telling me?
Logan: No
Before Julian could send an angry text back, his phone buzzed again.
Logan: Ok, kind of but it's difficult.
Julian: More difficult than trying to remember your whole life?
Logan: I'm sorry…again…
Julian: Stop apologizing
Julian: Or start telling me stuff.
Logan: I can't…
Logan: At least not like this.
Julian: You realize you're driving me crazy, right? Either tell me or just shut up.
Logan: I know but it's just not the right time nor the best way via text.
Julian: Then get your cute ass back here.
Julian: Ignore the cute.
Logan: I can't. Not today. We'll be back first thing in the morning. Promise.
Julian: Whatever Wright.
Logan: You always call me Wright when you're pissed.
Julian: Huh, something I can add to the list.
Logan: List?
Julian: Stuff I know. Stuff I remembered. But it's a short list. Derek's list of girls he hooked up with is at least ten times longer.
Logan: Add that to the list.
Julian: Huh?
Logan: I'm not sure if he has an actual list but it would be long. So that's something you remembered.
Julian: Yay, something else came back that isn't important in the slightest.
Logan: It'll all come back.
Julian: Whatever
Julian: Got2go. The doc wants to run some tests.
Logan: Ok, text me when you're done.
Logan: I mean, if you want to.
Julian: I will. Bye.
Logan: Bye.
Sighing Julian put the phone back onto the little nightstand and turned to the doctor, forcing a smile on his face.
"Okay, I'm ready to go," Julian said, pulling the covers off himself and shimmying to the edge of the bed, slowly trying to get out of it.
"Oh no," the doctor interjected quickly, holding a hand up to stop Julian from actually getting up. "We've got a wheelchair for you." A blonde nurse appeared in the doorway pushing a wheelchair into the room.
"No freaking way," Julian all but shouted, "I can walk. I won't let you wheel me around like a cripple. I'm fine." Crossing his arms in front of his chest he glared at the doctor who in turn only raised an eyebrow.
"Julian, this isn't up for discussion. You've got severe burns on your leg and it's bandaged up so you can't even bend your knee. So, the wheelchair it is."
Julian stared at the doctor for a few more seconds before sighing dramatically and slowly slipping into the wheelchair that the nurse had pushed right next to his bed.
"Good. We'll just run a few more tests and you'll be back here in no time," the doctor said, patting Julian's shoulder reassuringly.
Almost three hours later Julian was on the verge of sleep, tired out from the tests as well as from the more than difficult and awkward conversation with his mother, when he remembered his promise to Logan.
During the ordeal of the different tests the doctor had decided were needed, his thoughts had kept wandering back to the blond boy. When his mother had turned up just after dinner, he had been relieved to have something else to do than wonder about Logan and what he was hiding.
His mother hadn't been a big help when it came to questions pertaining Logan and Derek. She'd told him a lot about his childhood and his success in Hollywood. But when he had asked about Logan, his mother had only said that they were close. Every other question had seemed idiotic after that because his mother clearly wasn't as involved in his everyday life as "normal" parents. In the end he had decided that it would only lead to more awkwardness if he had asked after his sexual orientation or maybe deeper feelings for anyone else. Logan had told him that he wasn't with anyone, so he was sure that there weren't any other feelings he had forgotten.
All through the conversation with his mother he had tried to wrack his brain for actual pictures and memories of what she was telling him or anything that connected to Derek and Logan but that had once again only ended with a headache.
Julian reached for his phone, his heart fluttering just a little bit at the thought of talking to Logan. It was weird how comforting the mere thought of Logan was. When he had woken up he hadn't even known who the other boy was and after only a few hours it seemed like Logan was the strongest connection to his memories that he had.
Everything he had remembered had come back while he was talking to Logan or thinking about him. Maybe this was his best shot at getting his memories back: Talking to Logan, hoping that his memories would come back along the way.
A soft chuckle escaped him. Why was he lying to himself? He didn't have to need a reason to talk to Logan, when in fact he couldn't get the blond out of his head.
Before he could talk himself out of texting Logan at all, he quickly sent a message, not really expecting Logan to answer because surely the other boy had other things on his mind than Julian.
Julian: Is talking to my mother always this awkward?
Julian: Back in my room btw. In case you wanted to know.
Sure that Logan wouldn't answer right away, Julian threw the phone back onto the nightstand only to jump up in his bed when it vibrated not even two minutes later.
Logan: Yes and I told you I wanted to know. How where the tests?
Julian: Boring, annoying, ridiculous, useless…
Logan: Sorry, that sucks.
Julian: I'll live… maybe. ;)
Logan: :) So how was talking to your mother? Anything else you remembered?
Julian: Awkward, weird, uncomfortable and no. She told me a lot but nothing seems familiar.
Logan: You'll remember soon.
Julian: Do you mind if I call you? Or are you busy? I don't want to keep you from chasing after Kurt…
Julian waited impatiently for an answer. When Logan still hadn't answered after almost ten minutes, he went back to the last text he had sent, to make sure that he had actually sent it. Rereading the words he had sent, he paused. Kurt? Who the hell was Kurt? And why is Logan chasing him?
Before he could chicken out he pressed the call button and waited for Logan to pick up. When the call connected he didn't wait for Logan to say anything, but went straight to the matter at hand.
"Who's Kurt?"
"Um…he…he's a student at Dalton." Julian could hear the wavering in Logan's voice.
"And you are chasing after him?"
For a few moments the only sound that came from Logan's end was his breathing and something that sounded a lot like fingers drumming nervously on wood.
"I was," Logan finally said reluctantly. "He transferred a few months ago and…"
"And you fell head over heels in love with him?"
"He is, no was, interesting. But he's with Blaine now, so that's the end of that."
"Interesting? So he's hot? But of course if he's with this Blake guy…"
"Blaine," Logan interjected.
"Yeah, yeah whatever. So he's off limits? I bet you could still get him. There's no way Blaine is hotter than you…. I mean, that's too bad."
"I just don't make a habit of chasing after taken guys… or straight guys for that matter," Logan mumbled the last part but Julian caught it anyway.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Nothing. Just forget it."
"Urgh, another thing you're refusing to tell me. Do you know how frustrating you are?"
"Drop the act, Larson. I promised I'd tell you tomorrow."
"Whatever, Wright. I'm tired. I'll just go to bed now."
"Stop pouting, Julian. I can hear you pouting through the fucking phone. I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"
"You better, or I'll come hunt you down. But I want some answers."
"I know. I promise. Goodnight, Jules."
"Night," Julian said simply, before hanging up. He had hoped that talking to Logan would make him feel better but somehow it hadn't. He hated that everyone was withholding things from him, but most of all he hated feeling so lost in his own life. Julian hoped that Logan would keep his word and that for once he'd actually get answers to his questions.
Still trying to search his brain for anything from his life, he felt himself slowly falling asleep.
"I can't do this anymore, Julian…I freaking can't. It's too much to do, too much to take, all of it, and I'm too tired. Would it be…would it just be too much to ask…for you and Logan to just get your mess straightened out?"
Julian's head moved from one side to the other in his sleep, eyelids fluttering as his eyes raced behind them.
"I'll find him and go back to LA with him. I'm out of here. You don't have to worry anymore. I'm done. It's done."
His body tensed as bits and pieces of a conversation came back to him in his dreams.
"Sleepy time song."
"You can't be serious!"
"Sing to me."
Images flickered before his eyes and scrambled up, not really making sense. He could hear a voice singing and realized it was his own.
Sing me to sleep…
sing me to sleep…
I'm tired and I…
I want to go to bed…
Sing me to sleep…
Sing me to sleep…
And then leave me alone…
The scene shifted and he saw himself talking to another blond boy.
"…How did you get into Stuart House…?"
Darkness shifted around in front of his eyes and Julian's body started to tremble slightly in the bed.
"It's me he wants. I have to stay. But I can get you out of here."
The air in his dream became hazy, as if he was watching it through some type of fog. Fog or…or smoke. His eyes started watering, a single tear making its way from the corner of his eye over his cheek before falling onto the sheets.
His fists clenched tightly as Logan materialized at the other end of the room, smoke clouding his vision as his friend stared at him.
"Tell him."
"No, no, please—"
"Tell him why you stayed in this school! Tell him why you were so desperate to keep him out of this! Tell him why I decided to drug him! Tell him why I hate him!"
He could almost feel the slashing pain on his neck, as he felt the blade digging into his skin in his dream.
The trembling in Julian's body increased, his head was slamming from side to side, hands clenching and unclenching rapidly.
"Tell him or I'll kill him, Julian—I will!"
Fear raced through every single vein of Julian's body, his clothes sticking to his body with sweat
"And now that I've told you everything—because this is everything I've kept to myself all these years—now that I've told you everything—can you just please…for the love of God, Logan…forget everything I just said—and leave while you can! Get the hell out of here—all of you!"
He heard his own voice uttering those words, body still trembling slightly, unable to lie still.
A loud crashing sound in his dream woke Julian and he shot up straight in bed; he was panting heavily, trying to get as much air into his lungs as possible. He started coughing, almost feeling the smoke block his airways. Tears were welling up in his eyes again and spilled over. The images from his dream still present in his mind. Although he couldn't make sense of anything, the little glimpses he had gotten scared him beyond anything else.
His trembling fingers found a glass of water on his nightstand, wrapping themselves around the cold surface of it, needing to ground himself; to make him aware of being back in reality and not still trapped in his nightmare.
It took him almost half an hour to calm down and be able to take even breaths, another fifteen minutes to stop his body from shaking. Julian was exhausted as he fell back into a calm sleep.
When he woke up in the morning, he felt a little bit more relaxed than he had the previous day. The images and words of his nightmare were still very present in his head but he couldn't make any more sense of everything than he could last night. He tried his best to put everything he had seen in to perspective.
He had talked to Derek, in his dream. But the other boy had sounded so different in his memories; tired, exhausted and just a little bit annoyed with him. Julian couldn't make sense of his own behaviour. Who was he going to find? That other blond boy? No, something was off about that guy. It looks like Julian had planned to go back to LA, leave school and whatever mess he had gotten himself into behind.
Then something had happened to Logan and for some reason Julian had been the one to tuck him into bed and ended up singing for Logan.
Then there was the matter of that other blond boy. Julian didn't have any clue who that was. Another student? Another friend? Someone he might've even trusted? No, that couldn't be right. Everything that happened afterwards had been the boys fault.
He had dragged him into a burning building, hadn't Logan and Derek said something about a burning Art Hall? So that must've been the Art Hall. All the while that boy had been saying weird things that Julian couldn't quite recall. There had been others, others that he had tried to save, he had wanted to get them out of there. It didn't make sense to him. Had everything been his fault?
Then the most confusing part. The other blond boy had forced him to tell Logan something that he had apparently kept a secret, even or maybe especially, from his best friend; something that he'd been keeping from his friend for years. Julian searched his brain, needing to know what it was more than anything. It was important and on some level it felt like if he'd be able to remember this thing, his other memories might just come back as well.
Julian tried to regulate his breathing, taking deep controlled breaths, hoping it would help him to find what he was looking for.
What could've possibly been so important to hide from his friend that he had actually begged him to forget whatever he had just told him, no, had been forced to tell? It was a deep, dark secret that had to be connected to Logan somehow. If he didn't know anything else, he knew this. He could practically feel something important, important memories shifting around in his brain but no matter how hard he tried, he just couldn't put his finger on what it was.
The morning brought along more tests, all ending with the same result: Amnesia. The doctor still hadn't figured out whether it was temporary or permanent. The fact that Julian had remembered a few details made the doctors hopeful but it was way too early to say anything with certainty.
Julian was back in his room before lunch and once again left with nothing to entertain himself with. Logan had texted him earlier to tell him that he and Derek would get there after lunch. At least Logan had kept up the first part of his promise, now he only had to stand up to the second one as well, namely finally giving Julian the answers he promised.
Bored by simply staring at the disgustingly white walls of his room, Julian reached over to the nightstand and turned on the TV with the remote. He flipped through the channels and finally settled on some show that seemed like he wouldn't have to actually think about it to follow it. He watched the actors for a bit hoping that maybe they could bring on memories or something. At this point he just hoped that anything could trigger a memory, maybe a freaking bird outside or an ad or whatever.
A knock on the door interrupted his thoughts and he called for the other person to come in. A young nurse with dark hair opened the door, balancing a tray with lunch on the other hand.
"Hey, hungry?" She smiled at him a little bit too excited for just being friendly.
"Sure, I guess…" Julian said, unimpressed while he noticed that the first few buttons of her uniform were undone, revealing way too much of her cleavage to be considered appropriate in a fucking hospital. She placed the tray in front of him, making sure to lean over enough to give him a perfect view down her blouse. Julian couldn't believe that she was seriously trying to flirt with him while he was lying in a hospital bed. Or maybe he just had that kind of reputation?
When Julian didn't show any obvious interest, the nurse straightened back up and looked over at the TV screen.
"Watching yourself on TV? Bit eccentric, huh?" she said, turning her back towards him.
Julian stared at her in confusion for a moment. "Wait, what?"
"Something Damaged," she pointed at the screen, "the show you're on?"
Realisation dawned on him. Right, he was an actor and a pretty big one at that. At least that's what his mother had told him.
"Sorry, amnesia," Julian said with a wink, enjoying it a bit too much how quickly the nurse paled and a guilty expression settled on her face.
"I… I… uh…I'll just leave you to your lunch then," she sputtered as she hastily made her exit.
Julian chuckled at her instant retreat for a moment before looking back up at the screen. These were people he had worked with, so he should be able to recognize them, shouldn't he? He slowly started eating his lunch as best as possible with his eyes still glued to the screen. Something had to trigger a memory right? There must've been times where he'd been around these people every day; they had to have some shared memories. But nothing brought back anything. Not the smooth voice of a character called Matthew, not the kind of hot character Wyatt, nothing.
Frustrated with himself and not being able to remember anything he shoved the tray with food away from himself and scrunched up the sheets in his hands, screaming out his anger. Tears pricked in the corner of his eyes, hating that he couldn't remember, that his brain was refusing to work for him, refusing to give him the information he needed so badly. Needed it to feel like everything's going to be alright at one point, hopefully really, really soon. He wanted his life back, wanted to remember his friends, his childhood, but most importantly: remember who he was. That had to be the worst part of it, not knowing what had happened was one thing, something that others could actually tell him in a second, well if he asked the right people for answers, but nobody could tell him who he was, what he was thinking, feeling, believing. It all came back to relying on others to tell him about his habits, his quirks, who he was.
It felt like an hour later when a soft knock came from the door and Julian quickly wiped the back of his hands over his eyes to get rid of the last few traces of wetness in them.
"Come in," he croaked, voice a little bit raspy from emotion.
Seconds later the door opened and Derek and Logan stepped inside. Derek smiled broadly and overly friendly at him, probably trying to make him seem harmless and friendly but he was definitely going a bit overboard. Logan walked slumped behind him and for a moment Julian felt like it was so very wrong to see Logan walking slumped and hesitantly. He didn't know where it came from but in his head he saw a very different version of Logan, smiling at him from the other side of a tennis court, clad in tennis shorts, standing upright and laughing at him.
"We play tennis?" he blurted out without really meaning to.
The two boys startled, not even having closed the door. Derek smiled even wider.
"Sometimes. Well the last time must've been during holidays. Logan and you were playing and you were so useless that day that we switched. You went for a swim instead and…" Derek turned around to smile painfully sweet at Logan, "and then I defeated him like I was playing a toddler. I can't quite recall but I think he was distracted by something. Logan? Do you remember what was so distracting?"
The blond only glared at his friend. "Shut up Derek."
"Oh wow, you're in a good mood today," Julian joked, "and here I thought seeing my face would brighten your day just like that."
Derek had walked over to one of the chairs and sat down, eyes twinkling into Logan's direction. Hesitating, seeming as if all he wanted to do was turn around and run for cover, Logan finally started shuffling over to the second chair and plopped down.
"So did you lose your ability to talk? You promised."
Logan grumbled and sat up straighter. "I can talk, I just don't like what Derek is doing."
"What's he doing then?"
"Making stuff complicated."
Julian laughed out loud, "Like stuff isn't complicated enough already. I don't think there's much room left to the top of the scale."
"Jules…I… there's a whole lot of more room to super complicated trust me and I have no intentions to reach that point."
"Why do I get all the blame for this? He remembered something and I just told him what happened. I can't help you if you decide to withhold part of the story." Derek earned himself another glare from Logan.
"Derek, just get us coffee or something. You're so not helping right now."
Julian tried to hide a chuckle but failed epically.
Derek stood up with a huff. "Fine, if you don't need me here, I'll go do something useful, like pick up a nurse or something. Is there a hot one on duty?"
This time Julian couldn't stop himself from laughing out loud. "Yeah, there's a dark haired one and she practically pressed her boobs into my face. Really shameless."
"Ah that's no fun at all. It's boring when they just offer themselves like that."
"Just go, D," Logan growled and after another harsh look from the blond, Derek actually got up and made to leave. At the door he turned back towards the room and scowled at his friends.
"Behave, alright? I know this is a hospital but one of you in a bed is more than enough for my tastes." Shooting one last "tell him"-look at Logan, Derek left the room.
When the door closed, silence settled over the two boys, no one new how to start what was definitely going to be an awkward conversation.
"I… uh…I don't know where to start," Logan mumbled, eyes trained on the hands in his lap.
"Why don't you start by coming closer over here so I don't have to shout through the whole room?"
The blond looked up, staring straight at Julian, hesitating for only a second before standing up and pulling his chair closer to the bed before sitting back down.
"Better, diva?" Logan sneered.
"It's a start squid," Julian shot back, a smile on his lips.
"Well, well, look who's getting better and better. You're almost back to your old witty standards. I'm impressed, guess there is more genetic bitchiness and diva in you than I thought."
"Very funny, Logan," Julian dead panned, the smile giving his amusement away.
The brunet shifted in his bed, feeling the pain starting to throb through his whole body, his face clearly showing the effect his wounds had on him.
"Are you okay? Do you need anything? Something to drink? Pain meds?"
"Had I known that this was what it'd take for you to notice me, I'd of done something stupid years ago."
"What?" Logan rasped out, eyes wide, not believing his ears.
"Wow, are you always this deaf? I said that, had I known this was all it'd take for you to notice me some more, I would've like broken a bone two years ago. Uhm... why… I don't understand why I even said that."
"You… I… uh…"
"Are you incapable of coherent sentences, Logan?"
"No, it's just… How can you only remember the really hard bits?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, everything you remember is something that is too hard to explain. It's not something that I can just tell you, it's… it's complicated. It's something you can only find out yourself, something that you have to find out yourself. I can't… I can't tell you everything. I don't…"
"You don't what, Logan?"
"Do you want to know why I sat at your bedside the whole time? Why I wouldn't let them treat my burns or anything, why I couldn't bear to even be away for the short minutes that I had to?"
"Of course, that's why you're here right? To tell me the things I can't remember."
"Yes, no, I mean… Kind of. It's just so much more complicated than this."
"Just spit it out."
"Okay, but I have to start at the very beginning. And there are things I cannot tell you. Things that I need you to remember. I need you to so badly."
"You're not making any sense. I don't understand a single word."
"I know and I'm very sorry but I don't want to do anything that will jeopardize u- this. You, your memories."
"Do I always get this sense of wanting to punch your face in when I'm talking to you?"
Logan chuckled, "Yeah, well a lot of the times you do."
Julian smiled at his friend, it felt almost normal to be bantering like that but what was normal, in a situation like this? He couldn't say, it was too complicated.
"Okay, now that we cleared that out of the way, you can start telling me what exactly happened."
"I said that I'm going to and I'm keeping my word."
"Okay, good, otherwise I'd have to tell Derek to hit you again."
"Yeah, no need for that. Okay, I guess it all began with, uhm… oh god this is harder than I expected it to be."
"Just spit it out, Logan."
Logan braced himself, wringing his hands in his lap, trying to find the right words. "Your mother told you that you're an actor and a fan favourite at that. So people love you, some maybe a bit too much. I'm not exactly sure when it started, I only know what I learned the night of Parent's night, the night I found out about everything. And the things Derek could tell me."
"What did you find out that night? What? I don't understand."
"Sorry, sorry…" Logan stuttered, "I'm not… I don't know how to fucking do this. Okay, I'm going to try this again, without skipping around in what happened."
"Oh god, are you really that bad at telling a simple story?"
"Oh shut up, diva. Do you want to hear the story or not?"
"Of course, but can you stop making absolutely no sense?"
"How'd you know whether I make sense or not? You can't fucking remember anything," Logan snapped, clearly losing his patience.
Julian glared at the blond, anger pulsing through his body. "Fuck you very much, Logan. I can't believe you're that angry at me for what happened. You keep saying that I didn't blow up the Art Hall but here you are, yelling at me like I destroyed everything." The brunet looked at Logan and if looks could kill… Julian stared at his friend wondering why the blond hadn't shot anything back yet. The silence was unsettling until Logan finally looked back up. "You did," he whispered, gaze dropping back to the hands in his lap, leaving Julian stunned in shock.
What did the other boy mean with that? So it was true? Everything had been his fault? But why did Derek say that he didn't blow up the Art Hall? Well, maybe it didn't blow up but simply burn down and Derek had just wanted to protect him yesterday. Nothing made sense anymore. The images in his dream last night flitted before his eyes but they made even less sense than last night.
Julian took a deep breath before looking at Logan again. "Wright, tell me what the fuck happened and don't even try to get out of it. I want to hear the whole story. No matter how much you hate me for whatever role I played in all this. You said we are friends, then stop tip-toeing around the subject and man the fuck up. Tell me exactly what happened. And if you still decide that I destroyed everything, whatever everything is, you can kindly fuck off and leave me alone. Or even better, go be useful and find Derek, at least he'll tell me what happened."
"Yeah, yeah just run off to Derek and cry to him over how mean I am. Jesus Christ Julian, will you ever grow up?"
"Shut up, I don't remember my childhood so technically I should be allowed to act a little childish," Julian snapped, his voice sounding even louder than it was in the otherwise silent room.
"Well, nothing new to that."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, you always seem to end up pouting and crying to Derek over whatever the hell I've done. Guess you just can't help it. You just have to act like a little girl." Logan sneered, eyes sparkling with anger and something else, something like joy underneath his angry façade.
"Fuck you, Logan. You have no right to treat me like that. No matter what I did or what happened, you're an arrogant, egoistical bastard. How are we even friends?" Julian shouted.
"We are what we are Julian. And we are always like that. We shout at each other and try to hurt the other one with words, that's just who we are." He paused for a moment before continuing in a calmer voice, "I know that I should be comforting you and helping you, but it's just tough when you're this frustrating all the fucking time. We always do this. When someone needs to blow off steam, we can always go to the other one to let it out because no matter what is said or done we'll always be alright afterwards."
For a moment Julian sat there in a stunned silence. This wasn't what he had expected at all.
"So this is normal?"
"Yes."
"Okay, so it seems like at least something is normal in this messed up situation."
"Yeah, not much has changed and yet everything has."
Julian sighed, searching Logan's face for emotions. Most of the time he thought that he could read the other one pretty well but right now he couldn't figure out what was going on behind his green eyes. It unnerved him and made him uneasy.
"So, do you want to get all philosophical on me or finally tell me everything?"
"Can I pick being philosophical?" Logan asked smirking innocently at Julian.
"No," Julian shot back.
"Okay, I'll try okay? Don't get mad and go all diva on me if I don't know how to explain something. I'm trying okay?"
"You're an ass."
"Aw how I've missed your oh so original insults."
"Cut it, Wright. I want to know."
"Geesh, you're worse than Derek during a dry spell."
Julian simply sneered in response, not even bothering to grace that with an answer.
"Okay, so you had been gone for a while, filming something before you just strutted back into Stuart like you owned the place." Julian frowned. Stuart?
Logan must have seen the confused look on his face because he quickly added "Oh sorry right. Stuart is one of the three houses at Dalton. Like dorms."
"Like Hogwarts houses?" Julian said without thinking, before confusion washed over his face once more.
Logan chuckled and rolled his eyes at the brunet. "Now, looks like you finally remembered something important."
"What's Hogwarts?" Julian asked, voice shy and almost too low for Logan to hear.
"Oh, this is going to be fun. Reintroducing you to everything," Logan replied, kindness showing in his eyes. "It's actually from a book, one that means a lot to all of us. But let's talk about that later, okay?"
Julian nodded and shifted slowly in the bed, feeling a dull pain throbbing through his legs.
"So, anyways, you came back to Dalton and for a while things were okay, although I can remember little moments where I should've noticed that something was up. I should've realized it then." Logan paused for a moment, running a hand through his hair. "Like I said before, you're loved by your fans and some push the limit of being just a fan and being completely obsessed and maybe even dangerous. What I didn't know, what you only trusted Derek and apparently Kurt with, was… um… was that one of your fans went completely off the rails and…" Logan paused again, sighing deeply and wringing his hands in his lap.
"Just spit it out, Lo."
For a moment Julian saw Logan's eyes lighting up at the nickname, but the other one quickly composed his facial features.
"He became so obsessed with you that he threatened your life in case if you accepted a role in a movie."
"Wait, someone threatened my life because of a stupid role in a movie?"
"Yes, it was because your character was supposed to marry another one and your stalker didn't really like that."
Julian felt his skin crawl, he was growing hot and wished he could just get up and stand by the open window. Someone had really threatened his life because of something as unimportant as a role in a movie. Why would anyone do that? It was just a movie, no matter how madly in love that person was, they had no right to threaten him.
"Okay, so what happened? I didn't take the role, right? And I called the police and told them everything, right?"
"Jules, you… You have to understand that I didn't know about any of this until Derek told me."
"Please, tell me that I did the only logical thing and didn't accept the role and told someone about it."
"You…you were scared and you needed a reason to leave Dalton. You'd almost left the school when the stalker, who was already disguised as a student at Dalton, scared you with something. Something that he knew would keep you at the school, make you stay, forced what had made you want to leave into the background because he was a larger threat. I didn't know what was driving you away at that point but Derek told me."
"I suppose you can't tell me?"
"No, sorry," Logan said a soft smile on his face.
"Okay," Julian paused for a moment, "So, I stayed at school, even though I knew that a crazy stalker was out to get me? I must be either really stupid or have a death wish."
"Julian, stop it. That guy threatened not only you but people that are important to you." Logan reached his hand over and rested it over Julian's "He threatened us. He left you a picture with my face torn out and Derek's scratched. He went after us, me and Derek, because he thought we were standing in the way of you two being together. And you stupid bastard had to put our safety above yours, so you stayed."
Julian blinked, eyes dropping to their hands, feeling a tingling where Logan's skin met his.
"Of course, that makes sense. I'd do everything to protect you, Logan," Julian lazily stroked his thumb over the back of Logan's hand and lost himself in the comfortable touch of for a moment, before he realized what he had just said. "I… I mean… you and Derek. I would do everything to protect you and Derek. You're my friends and from everything you've told me so far we're pretty close, looking out for each other and all that, remember?" Julian lifted his eyes back up to smirk at Logan as he repeated the words he had said yesterday. He noticed how glazed and seemingly wet Logan's eyes were and saw him swallowing slowly He almost groaned out loud at the sight of his Adam's apple bobbing sinfully.
"Yeah, I know. But you could've, no, you should've told me."
Julian squeezed Logan's hand for a moment. "I guess apologizing right now would seem a bit redundant with me not remembering anything," he smirked at the boy, trying to let him know that despite not remembering he knew that he had messed up. "I'm sure I had a damn good reason to keep it from you though."
"I know you did but I just wish I hadn't needed to hear all of this from Derek."
"Once again, for what it's worth right now, I'm sorry."
"I know," Logan whispered, thumb stroking over Julian's hand carefully.
The two boys looked at each other, comfortable silence settling in the room, the only sounds their breathing. Julian searched for something, what exactly he didn't know, in Logan's face. Maybe a sign of who they were, what exactly they were and most importantly what this feeling was. A feeling that rushed over him, through every fibre of his body when he looked at Loga, and intensified whenever the other boy looked straight back at him. Julian couldn't place the expression but in a way it was as if Logan was seeing him for the first time. Julian's memory loss couldn't be the only reason for Logan to see him in a new way, like there's suddenly something there that hadn't been before. He needed to know why he was looking at him like that more than anything. If he could unravel this maybe the rest would fall into place.
"So a guy stalked me, threatened me, and even got into our school?"
"Yes," Logan said simply, obviously trying to gauge his reaction to all this information.
"So, am I out and proud like you or hiding in the closet and that guy just didn't care whether I'm gay or straight?"
"Remember when I said that there were things you had to figure out for yourself? This is one of them."
"But you know?"
For a moment Logan broke the eye contact and stared at the wall behind Julian.
"I…" he began, voice unsteady, "I know to some extent how you feel, felt… uh yeah. But I need you to make up your own mind about this. Nobody can decide or tell you how you're supposed to feel," Logan paused again and took a deep breath before continuing. "And no one is pushing you to make any decisions right now, no one expects you to."
"I know. It's just weird to not know the simplest things about yourself."
Julian felt Logan's hand shaking on top of his and looked up in confusion, only to see Logan shaking with laughter.
"I'm glad I amuse you," Julian said drily.
"No…"Logan was gasping for air, trying to explain himself to Julian. "That's not it. Just the fact that you think that sexual orientation is one of the simple things is kind of adorable."
"Screw you. It is to me right now. I don't know anything about me at all, so please enlighten me and tell me what would be a more appropriate or easier thing to start with, your majesty."
"Whatever you say, diva."
"Shut up, Logan. You're confusing me and that's annoying as hell, so why not start there? Stop being so frustrating."
"I….I con-…wait what? I'm confusing you?" Logan stuttered, definitely not one of his finer moments Julian noted.
"You… I mean yeah. Kind of…" Julian muttered. "You only tell me half of the things I'm asking you for, you refuse to talk about certain topics all together and well, you're you." Julian's eyes dropped back to the sheets, uncomfortable with what he'd said, wondering if it even made sense or if Logan could see what he'd meant, wishing he could take it back altogether.
"What do you mean with 'I am me' Julian? You're not making any sense."
"Forget it, Logan. You're a squid; as always you're oblivious to everything. God, you're frustrating." Julian said loudly, scrunching up the blanket with his free hand. He started to pull the other one out from underneath Logan's but the blond only tightened his grip on him.
"Let go, Logan," Julian barked, feeling the anger pulse inside him.
Logan simply looked at him, unimpressed.
" ," he repeated, harsher than before.
"Is that really what you want?" Logan asked calmly, looking at Julian with soft eyes.
Julian's breath hitched for a moment, skin prickling under the other one's gaze.
"I… yes… I…no…. I mean…I don't know," his voice broke, eyes watering once again. This was so frustrating, every time he tried to unravel something, he ended up in a dead end, where he either couldn't remember anything or Logan refused to tell him something.
He was stuck in a maze of half-truths and various pieces of different stories and facts about himself. It was like at the start of a puzzle where you have two matching pieces here and a few completely unrelated pieces there but they don't fit together yet. It doesn't make sense; you can't make out the picture.
Anger started bubbling up inside him again. Anger focused on himself and his inability to remember, focused at Logan for being frustrating and only telling him half of the things he asked. But he was angrier about being so confused by the mixed signals he was projecting and receiving from Logan.
"Are you alright, Jules?" Logan's soft question was accompanied by a gentle squeeze of his hand.
"Of course I'm not, smartass," Julian snapped, regretting his harsh outbreak almost instantly when he saw the hurt wash over Logan's face. Julian felt the blond starting to pull his hand away and this time it was Julian who gripped the other's hand tightly, holding on for dear life.
"Sorry… I didn't mean to snap like that. I'm just so confused. It…sometimes it feels like I'm remembering something but I can never be sure of that can I? It's like my brain is playing a game of what is real and what is fantasy. I don't know why I'm thinking or saying certain things. They pop up out of nowhere and I just need to know." Logan looked at him; the hurt on his face was gone, replaced by sadness in his eyes.
"I just," Julian's voice broke and he had to clear his throat before he could continue. "There's something I have to ask you. And please, no excuses this time. I just need to know this."
Logan raised an eyebrow, giving Julian the time to ask what he needed to.
"Is there something hanging in the air between us or am I imagining it? You don't have to tell me what it is but I know… I feel like there is something and while I don't know what it is, I know that it's there or at least I think so. But I feel like there's something when you look at me and when I look at you… does that even make sense? I don't know, I just… is there something?" Julian gasped for air after rushing everything out.
For a second Logan just stared at him, before his thumb slowly stroked over the back of Julian's hand.
"Logan?" He whispered, begging for an answer.
The blond sighed, "Yes… there is something but I can't tell you." He shifted to the edge of the chair, closer to Julian and gripped both of Julian's hands in his. Holding his gaze Logan took a deep breath before speaking. "I can't tell you but I need you to remember. Not today or tomorrow or even this month but at one point you have to remember Jules, please… until then I'll be right here with you, as long as you want me, helping you to remember the little things." One of Logan's hands disentangled itself from Julian's and he raised it as if to caress Julian's cheek. But before he could reach it, they both jumped in their respective seat as someone knocked harshly on the door and effectively shook them out of their little bubble.
"Yes?" Julian croaked, hands still holding on to Logan's. When the door opened to reveal Derek, three cups of coffee in his hands, both boys let go of each other as if stung by a bee. Logan quickly scooted back on his chair, leaning away from Julian effectively.
Julian couldn't help but feel disappointed, already missing the warmth and the grounding feeling Logan's hand had provided.
"I see you're both still alive," Derek said, smirking at the two of them.
"Yes and still not done," Julian replied through clenched teeth, throwing a dirty look at Logan.
"Come on, Larson. That's not only my fault. You keep interrupting me."
"Yeah, because you're crap at telling me everything," Julian snapped.
"Well, looks like nothing has changed between you two."
"And yet everything has changed," Julian and Logan said at the same time. Both turned to look at the other and Julian could see the faintest smile tugging Logan's lips up.
"Looks like I missed philosophy 101," Derek chuckled. "So what has he told you so far?"
Julian shrugged. "Not much. He told me about the stalker and that the psycho threatened my life because of a stupid role in a movie. And that the guy somehow managed to get into Dalton as a student to be close to me. That… that's where he stopped."
Derek nodded once and moved towards the second chair in the room. After handing Julian and Logan their respective cups, he sat down.
"I don't even know if I like coffee," Julian said in a small voice accepting the cup nevertheless.
"You're a Stuart, you bleed coffee," Derek quipped with a smile on his face before a weird expression crossed his face, "Stuart is…"
"Like one of the Hogwarts houses, I know," Julian interrupted him, shooting a smile at Logan.
"Another inside joke?" Derek asked.
"Kind of," Logan said with a chuckle.
"Okay then," Derek paused for a moment, "so Adam, the stalker, came to Dalton and tried to befriend you."
"Please tell me that I saw right through it and shot him down."
"Not exactly, um…it's sort of complicated."
Julian huffed, "If I had a dollar for every time either one of you told me that it's complicated I'd be rich enough to buy this hospital."
"Alright, alright. Sorry. Okay, I guess you…uh… needed some space from Stuart and so you…uh hung out with him. He's a fanboy… so he kind of let it show that he adores you and I guess you needed that at the time." Uncomfortable and tense silence hung over the room as what Derek had just told him settled in in Julian's mind. Not only had his stalker followed him to Dalton, no, he had also befriended him unknowingly. How could he have let in a stranger so readily without being suspicious?
"No one knew, Julian. No one even so much as suspected it." It was as if Logan had read his thoughts.
"But…" he began, only to be interrupted by Logan.
"No buts. He seemed completely normal, well apart from following you around like a puppy."
This somehow calmed him. If no one else had noticed anything, how could he have been expected to?
"Okay, so this stalker followed me around after threatening me if I decided to make the movie or leave Dalton?"
"Yes," Derek said softly.
"Alright, go on. What brought me here?" Julian asked, eyes locked on Logan once again.
"A few people started finding out that you had a stalker and well, Dwight and Laura decided to play detective and Adam must've snapped or something. He held Kurt and Reed hostage in the Art Hall and then dragged you in there, too."
"Yeah well, after knocking me out."
"Dwight? Laura? Reed? Is this the same Kurt?"
"Oh sorry, yeah the same Kurt. Dwight and Reed attend Dalton as well, and Laura is the sister of another student."
"Okay, go on."
"Derek was knocked out and I had only started to slowly get back to my senses while Adam took you to the Art Hall. Soon after you were taken there, to Kurt and Reed, a fire broke out on the first floor and Adam was completely out of control. Now this, again, is only what I've been told by Kurt and Reed who were in there with you. You tried to bargain with Adam, to persuade him to let them go because it was you he wanted. But those two wouldn't leave you."
"It's me he wants. I have to stay but I can get you out of here," Julian whispered, hands trembling.
"What?" Derek said, his voice breaking Julian out of his reverie.
The brunet took a deep breath. "That's what I said...in…in my dream, well nightmare. I'm not sure it's even real."
Logan gripped Julian's hands in his again and the actor relaxed under the warm touch of the other boy.
"What else was in that dream Jules?" Logan asked, voice almost a whisper as if he was scared to upset Julian even more.
"I don't know. It's not like they are whole memories. It's just pieces of conversations."
"That's a start. Maybe we can help you place them," Derek said, eyes soft as he smiled at Julian.
"I… there was… I don't know if that is real."
"Just spit it out," Logan said, fingers twitching against Julian's.
Julian looked away from the blond and at Derek. "You were arguing with me. Asking, well pleading with me to…" he paused, eyes dropping to his hands that were still intertwined with Logan's. "To fix my mess with Logan. But it doesn't really make sense to me, so maybe I'm just making it up."
Derek smirked, "No, no, that's real. That happened."
"But what mess? What was it all about?"
Logan looked at Derek and Julian felt like they were having a silent conversation. They were shutting him out again, keeping things from him. Anger bubbled up inside of him, pumping adrenaline through his body.
"Don't do that!" He yelled suddenly, annoyance breaking out of him. Both boys jumped a bit in their seats, shocked by Julian's outburst.
Derek was the first to regain his ability to speak.
"Do what?"
"Oh don't act all innocent. I might not remember everything but I'm not stupid. You're keeping stuff from me and always checking with each other what to say."
"Jules," Julian's head snapped around at the sound of Logan's voice close by. The blond had leaned closet to him, thumb rubbing soothing patterns into Julian's hands. "We're just looking out for you."
"Fuck that, just tell me what is going on," Julian started shouting, finally having enough of his friends tip-toeing around the subject. "Tell me what that asshole forced me to tell you. Tell me why I couldn't bear the thought of you knowing everything. Tell me why I begged you to forget what had been forced out of me. Just fucking tell me." At some point tears had sprung up in Julian's eyes and they were now flowing freely over his cheeks. He pulled one hand away from Logan's to wipe at his eyes furiously. He refused to look at the two boys, sure to find either furious or pitying expressions on their faces. And he wasn't sure which one would be worse and more painful to see.
It was silent in the room, the two other boys obviously too shocked to respond to Julian's rant. His ragged breath was the only disturbance in the quiet room.
Julian stared out the window, noticing that it had started to get dark already. His sense of time was a little bit off due to just lying around, enduring endless tests, talking, and trying to remember.
He could feel the exhaustion creeping up at him, surrounding him like a blanket, ready to pull him in completely.
Someone cleared their throat and Julian turned back towards his two best friends, finding neither anger nor pity in their eyes. Instead Derek had silently stood up, gathered their empty coffee cups and had a comforting hand on Logan's shoulder. The athlete looked at Julian, eyes soft and full of kindness.
In that moment he realized that whatever he'd do right now they'd write it off as something he did while he couldn't remember anything. But this little thought, this realization hit him like a truck. No matter how frustrated he was right now about everything, it didn't make a difference at all. They just sat there and continued to feed him half-truths, withholding whatever he really needed to know to connect the pieces. How could they do that to their supposed best friend, how could they do that when they, like they said, really cared about him? How could they go on with everything while he was sitting here like the stupid person who couldn't even remember the simplest things about his childhood?
He felt the exhaustion rush out of his body, making place for adrenaline and anger. Anger directed at them for not answering his questions, for treating him like a dumb person, for probably hoping that he'd just forget to ask.
"Get out," he whispered, so low that his words were barely audible. Logan turned his eyes to look up at Derek who had the same confused expression on his face.
"Jules," Derek began softly, but he was harshly interrupted by Julian glaring at him.
"I said, get out, "his voice echoed slightly in the room and another few tears spilled over and rolled down his cheeks. Julian rubbed them away quickly.
"Jules…" Julian's eyes flitted to Logan and he saw hurt and something he couldn't put into words in the blond's eyes. Disappointment, regret, fear, agony. He couldn't say.
"No. Get out. I don't want to hear your stupid excuses anymore." A few more tears made their way over his skin and he cringed, feeling vulnerable and ashamed to be so weak in front of these boys. It didn't matter that they claimed to be his best friends; they felt like strangers in this moment and that made the whole situation even worse. He wiped his hands over his face again, trying to rid it of the new tears.
"Don't you fucking get it? You two are going on about being there for me and helping me and yet you're just making things worse." A broken sob escaped him and his eyes dropped to the blanket, wishing that he could just disappear into thin air. "Just go," his voice broke and he wrapped his arms securely around his chest, trying to keep himself together; to keep himself from falling apart.
"Julian, look…"
"No," Julian shouted, "just no, I can't do this. I don't want to do this right now. I… I… Don't you understand? It hurts too much… I can't…" Julian dropped his head into his hands, sobs now openly wracking through his body. He couldn't deal with this. It was too much, too much that didn't make sense. He was afraid of what he'd learn once the other two agreed to tell him.
"Jules…" came the soft voice of Derek, followed by a hand on his shoulder. His head jerked up and he pushed Derek's hand off of him.
"No. I'm sick of it, I don't want to talk anymore just leave me alone." Julian glared at the two boys, seeing shock and something that was close to pity in their faces. But he didn't care, everything was going wrong, this was not how it was supposed to go. Logan had promised to tell him everything and yet he wasn't really any wiser, only angrier.
He watched as the two boys exchanged looks that were clearly concerned and surprised. But for once it didn't matter because he just wanted them to be gone, to be alone with his thoughts. And even though his own mind wouldn't give him the answers he so desperately needed, it was still better than getting half-truths and edited reality.
Logan and Derek were still looking at each other when they almost simultaneously stood up and turned towards Julian. Concern covering their faces, although Julian was sure that he saw a lot of resentment and hurt flash through Logan's green eyes before the blond could scool his face into a neutral expression.
"Jules," Derek started again, this time Julian only glared at him but didn't interrupt him, "we can't possibly start to understand how overwhelming everything has to be right now but you have to give yourself time. We can't just tell you everything because it's a lot to deal with and…" Derek paused for a moment and Julian saw that the boy was itching to look at Logan, to once again check with him whether whatever he was about to say was alright or not.
"Screw you. Get the fuck out," Julian yelled, hands shaking with anger. "You know what is too overwhelming? The two of you lying or telling me half-truths, fucking pretending like you know what's going on when you just don't. I just want to know what happened to me but even my so called friends can't fucking man-up and tell me the truth. So fuck off, I don't want to see you anymore."
A quiet gasp escaped Logan and it took all of Julian's strength to not pull the other boy close and hug him because in that second he looked so broken.
"Jules, you don't…" Logan started, voice once more too condescending.
"I do. Just get the fuck out. I can't do this. Not now and probably not for a long time. Maybe you two should grow a fucking backbone and just tell me the truth but until then, I don't want to see you. Now leave or I'll call security." With a last glare at the two shocked boys, he lay back down and turned his head towards the window, effectively ignoring them.
Listening to the sounds of the room, Julian repeated the plea in his head. He wanted them to leave, he couldn't deal with this confusion anymore and they weren't helping him at all. He was sick of them treating him like a stupid boy who wouldn't be able to cope with whatever horror story they were about to tell him. It sucked. Not only did he lose his memory but he didn't even have anyone who was actively helping him piece the confusing bits back together again.
His eyes closed of their own accord as he heard the heavy hospital door open and close seconds later. They were gone. He let out a breath he hadn't known he was holding and his body slowly relaxed against the pillows. Slowly opening his eyes, he let out a groan of frustration. Had he just scared off the only two people who could tell him what had happened? Did he make a mistake? Should he have sat idly by and listened to them edit the truth and tell him whatever they seemed fit enough?
No, he had to take everything into his own hands. Depending on someone else to tell him the truth was just too hard. Especially when those people, people who claimed to be his friends, are weaving a whole net of lies, interspersed with bits of the truth around him. Hoping he won't ask for more details, hoping that he won't ask difficult questions, hoping that whatever they told him was good enough to satisfy him.
Banging his hand on the mattress he groaned, he hated being in the hands of others like that. Who could he trust in a time like this? He'd thought that his "friends" were a good place to start but apparently they weren't. God, he hated it. Before he knew it his hand had lashed out, wiping the glass on his nightstand off, wincing as it hit the floor, splintering into a million pieces, water spreading over the linoleum floor. Leaning over the edge of his bed to look at it, he couldn't help himself as a low chuckle escaped him; A broken glass, just as broken as his mind.
Eyes trained on the mess, his laugh suddenly stopped. What if his comparison wasn't that far off? What if his mind really was just as broken as that glass? With no way of fixing it, broken into a million little pieces, too many to even try to fix it. What if he was doomed for a life of this? Always trying to remember, always trying to put the pieces back together? With no way of knowing exactly whether his memories were real or not or what he'd lost.
Julian's thoughts continued to race, creeping into every part of his brain, until he finally fell into a restless sleep.