Shinji was having trouble taking everything in as he sat at the foot of his bed in his room.
am I really back, as Shinji thought this he didn't know if he was happy to be back or not. He couldn't feel the need to do anything at all. not a single thing.
Slowly rising up off of his bed, Shinji made his way to his dresser. When he found what he was looking for, he couldn't help but smile at the photo he held in his hands. There on the picture was a familiar purple haired woman. The photo was adorned with little sentences like "attention here, please", and a lipstick kiss stain on the corner.'classic misato', Shinji thought with an all too rare chuckle bubbling up out of him.
But his smile didn't last long(it never does) as tears that felt like sand slowly drizzled onto the photo. Shinji couldn't hold himself anymore, everyone he knew was dead. He had failed them when they needed him most and here he was, doing it all over again, while they rotted on a ruined earth.
On a ruined world.
Slowly the voices painful words rose through Shinji's crackling mind again.
failure
failure
failure
...coward
coward
cowa-
please...just stop...just...please
no
why do you hate me
because you're disgusting
shinji didn't know when he had started talking to the voice again but he didn't care.
because he knew the voice was right.
Shinji, now more than ever, wished to run. To run away to his cassette player and stop thinking for a while. As if it would all fit itself back together again.
And he did just that.
He put the photo(his failure) back in the drawer and slowly made his way to the side of the bed where he kept it. It was there in its usual spot, right between the mattress and wood of his bed.
He grabbed it and lowered himself onto the bed, treasuring the feeling of pressure being released off of his back, and that feeling slowly making its way up his back the more he lay.
He injected his earbuds into his lobes and pressed the worn out play button on the sdat player.
What Shinji had been expecting to hear was the sweet, numbing sounds of Beethoven and back. But instead, the voice made its entrance into him.
you're disgusting
why...why are you here
how dare you cry over the women who you abandoned
please... dear god please...don't
god wants nothing to do with you
just...just leave you've made your point
ill never leave until you've suffered for what you've done
Someone...please...help me
no one can help you, you killed them all
misato help me...please
your whore isnt here
...what did you say
don't you dare get angry with me, you knew what she was doing, going on 'dates' that only ended with her getting fucked and dumped
mi-Misato wasn't like that
and then she would drive home and play 'family' with you... and she would think that made her any better a person than what she was... like that changed who she was in any way
no...no...no...
but you wanna know something... deep down... she wanted to make you dirty like her. she wanted to drag you to the floor and indulge herself in the primal ecstasy.
she...wanted...to...fuck...a...little...boy.
it makes sense that you would think of her as a family.
...Rei...please help me...
That doll won't be helping you anytime soon
please...not her too
shes too busy helping your father... in more ways than one...
fucking christ will you please-
not to mention how your father also had plenty of fun with Dr.Akagi
who knows... maybe Misato will spread herself a little more
one...one day... I am going to fucking kill you
whims of the feeble... I believe that's what you would call this
ill kill you... and ill save them all...no matter how long it takes...Misato, Rei, Asuka, I'm going to save them
I'll never let you have it so easy
... I know
And with that, Shinji pulled out his earplugs and made his vow. it wasn't a screech or cry, but a solemn statement. He would not fail in his redemption.
not again.
The End
authors psychotic ramblings: hey I know that this was shorter than the last chapter but I thought that this would make for better pacing. The next chapter will be longer. Expect about a week or so of waiting(tops) as I want the next chapter to be about 5'000 words long or so.
the next chapter will focus on Shinji preparing for his trip to nerv and how exactly the voice plans on making shinjis redemption harder than it already is.
thank you for reading.