"The man encountered by Issei Hyoudou last night was a serial killer with the alias of 'Crushing Hammer' amongst the human constabulary," began Rias. She was sitting at her desk in the Occult Research club room, reading off of a sheet of paper holding the information gathered by her familiar. Kiba sat on one of the chairs to her left, his head down and his hands curled into balls on his knees. Opposite him sat Akeno and Koneko, who were looking at him in concern. "Officially he was a construction worker who simply lost his mind, killing everyone at his workplace with a company issued sledgehammer before doing the same thing to his own family. He then traveled the country through unknown means and committed over two hundred similar acts with the same murder weapon, primarily targeting females with a religious background. These offences were purely violent, with no indications of theft or rape at any of the known crime scenes."
Here she paused, gave Kiba a last, concerned look and picked up a second sheet. "Unofficially, he came into possession of a strange artifact that emerged in Europe just under fifty years ago. Both before and after its discovery it had been melted and reforged many times, implying that the material rather than the object itself was what made it unique. The most recent form taken by the artifact was the hammer used as the killer's murder weapon. Regardless of its shape, the artifact is always in possession of at least two documented abilities."
"Foremost is the power of destruction. Though I say that, it is in no way the same as my own powers. While my own abilities are more along the lines of anti-matter, the artifact simply disassembles its target at a molecular level. In its current form the effect is achieved by striking the intended object with the head of the hammer, but there have been alternate means with its previous forms."
"The second documented attribute is the irrational madness it eventually begins to inspire in the wielder, which always takes the form of omnimalevolent bloodlust. Initially this drives the recipient to attack all around them, but after prolonged influence they begin to target 'holy maidens', or rather human females with supernatural ties to a benevolent religion. In Issei Hyoudou's case, for instance, he was seen interacting with one such holy maiden by pure coincidence."
Rias trailed off awkwardly, then carefully placed the info sheet back on her desk. She looked at Kiba one more time before clearing her throat. She psyched herself up for what came next. "As for Issei's current condition... he's... well..."
"Issei," whispered Kiba, the first words he'd spoken in a while. "He's dead, isn't he?" He balled his fists even tighter, and his whole body started to shake like a leaf. "He's dead! And he's never coming back!" Kiba's voice was choked with emotion. His eyes were clouded with tears, he couldn't form coherent thoughts due to his tumultuous emotions and his nose was starting to run in a particularly undignified manner. So distraught was he that he didn't notice as the curtain on the club room's built-in shower (which was behind him) was drawn back.
Issei sat up from the tub where he had apparently been sleeping. He blinked blearily before lifting his arms in a luxuriant stretch, his yawn massive but silent. He was wearing the same clothes he was brought there in, which meant they were caked in blood and filth, but otherwise he didn't have a scratch on him. He noticed there were other people in the room, and began to lift himself from the bath.
"I said things," Kiba continued. "Things I didn't mean!" Issei stepped up behind him, but still he didn't notice. "I told him I hated him, that I wished I didn't know him! But I didn't mean it, and I... I... I wish I could tell him how I really feel!"
Issei raised an eyebrow, then began to lean on the back of his chair as he settled in to listen. Akeno was struggling to hold in a smile, while Koneko was steadfastly staring at the door to help her friend retain his dignity. Rias had picked her cheat sheet back up so she could hide a smirk of her own.
"There are so many things I want to tell him, like... like..."
"How he was the best friend you'd ever had." said Issei encouragingly.
"How he was the best friend I'd ever had," sobbed Kiba. "And how I always... I always..."
"Appreciated what he brought into your life."
"Appreciated what he brought into my life," agreed KIba, the tears now freely flowing.
"Into everyone's lives." said Issei nostalgically, and Kiba nodded in agreement.
"He did that-" Kiba managed, before erupting into fully fledged howls of grief. By this point Akeno, Rias and even Koneko were holding their shoulders, quivering with suppressed mirth. "If only I'd told him that... that I..."
"Always loved him." pressed Issei, somehow managing to keep a straight face.
"Yeah, how I always loved him..."
"Even though he was obviously straight."
"Even though he was obviously..."
"And positively overflowing with masculinity!"
"And positively... and positively..."
Kiba was no longer crying. His back was ramrod straight, his arms by his sides and his face an emotionless mask. Though his eyes were red and puffy they were now completely dry. Slowly and deliberately he rose to his feet, before turning to face his suddenly living friend. Issei held his gaze for several seconds before breaking out into a smile.
"I believe in miracles!" he began to sing, dancing a goofy jig to go with it. "You sexy- hrk!"
"You bastard!" snarled Kiba, lunging over the chair to fasten his fingers about the other boy's throat. They - along with the chair - crashed to the ground. "You utter... utter... utter... BASTARD!" He started to slam Issei's head against the ground, quite overcome with rage. Akeno had lost all semblance of composure, and was laughing hysterically while holding her ribs. Rias was snorting over and over again into the hand covering her mouth, and even Koneko (bent over and facing away) was beginning to vibrate from suppressed hilarity. "You fucking TRAITORS!" Kiba screamed.
"I know that you just tried to kill me and all," Issei began. "But I'm going to forgive you, because I know that deep down you'll always-"
"SHUT UP!"
A particularly adorable snort echoed throughout the room.
"Koneko!" shouted Kiba, the look of one who has been betrayed by the one they trust most on his face. "You, of all people-"
"Yuuto," interrupted Issei. "Thanks. I'm glad that you're glad that I'm alright."
Kiba's scowl shifted, and for a moment it seemed as though he had calmed down.
"Wait a minute," said the bishounen suddenly. "Why're you here? Weren't your hands squished? And didn't a building fall on you right afterwards?"
"Half a building."
"Whatever!"
"Yuuto," said Rias calmly, having finally gotten ahold of herself. "This is what I was going to tell you before you..." Her lips twitched treacherously. "...Interrupted. Issei is my new Pawn. He's one of us now."
"Which means I'm going to live as long as you Fang-Man!" said Issei cheerfully, slapping Kiba on the back as a look of dawning horror came over his features. "We're going to be together forever, and ever..." Here, Issei made his face as creepy as he possibly could. "And ever!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Kiba, hurtling for the window. "I DON'T WANT TO LIVE ANYMORE!" There was a sound of glass shattering, and he was gone.
"Dumbass," snorted Issei. "This is only the second floor." Sure enough his broken rants soon started up again, fading slowly into the distance. "Please tell me someone filmed that."
Koneko raised her phone with one hand.
"Can I have a copy?"
She brought up her other hand and gave him a thumbs up.
"Awesome!" He turned to acknowledge the rest of the room. "I know I haven't officially joined the club yet, but I just know I'm going to love working with all of you!" He saluted cheerily. "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm not quite done torturing Kiba."
He leapt heroically through the broken window, and was gone.
Later, the same day...
"And in conclusion," Issei was saying. "The class rep is obviously an undercover spy."
"You knows what's amazing?" said Kiba, looking like he didn't know whether to laugh or cry. "That isn't the dumbest thing I've ever heard you say."
They were sitting in the cafeteria, across from one another, and were each tucking into a generic school lunch. Issei had stopped by the locker rooms while the football team was busy, and swapped his own filthy uniform for a relatively clean one that was thereabouts his size. Not wanting to leave the owner in an embarrassing position, he had considerately left his own clothes as a replacement. They had his name on the tag, so he'd probably see them again.
"Have you seen the food he eats?"
"I've never felt the need to check, no."
"That right there is the food that New Yorkers can't get enough of, the mighty Egg Benedict! It hasn't become popular in every corner of Japan yet, but it's a dish that many of the rich bitches that hang out in the high streets consider to be a high tier brunch menu item. Indeed, it was first time I had ever witnessed such a delicacy in our humble backstreets."
"You sure know a lot of useless stuff, don't you?" said Kiba wryly. "Also, our school isn't in the backstreets. And the Egg Benedict isn't a delicacy."
"The point is," Issei forged onwards. "That he is deceiving us with that shitty lunchbox he brings to school each day."
"So?" shrugged Kiba. "Some would argue that the idea of a prince attending a commoners' school is pretty cool."
"COOL MY FUCKING ASS!" shouted Issei, and they both ducked as all eyes turned to them. Of course, this only served draw even more attention than they were already receiving. "Steel yourself my effeminate friend, for today I shall uncover that worthless, deceiving crap's true identity!"
"Is this really how you should be recovering from debilitating, life-threatening injuries?"
"Yes." nodded Issei. Kiba sighed, and Issei knew he was in.
Elsewhere...
Asia felt sick with guilt. She been unable to sleep since she had watched that poor young man get chased into the night by a man who who had originally been after her. Since she had no access to news of any kind she had no idea how big a farce that particular escapade had ended in, which meant she could only worry herself sick wondering what had happened. So imagine her surprise when, upon taking a walk a few days later, she saw that same boy (wearing sunglasses) hiding behind a trash can with a second, slightly thinner boy (who was also wearing sunglasses) whilst spying on a third, rather ordinary looking boy who didn't seem to have noticed them at all.
"What on earth are you doing?" she asked before she could stop herself.
"Hm?" said Issei. "Oh! Asia! Hi!" Kiba blinked as he caught sight of her, suddenly remembering what Rias had told them about the targeting of holy maidens.
"Issei-san?" blinked Asia. "You can speak Italian?"
"I can, yes." nodded Issei, who had already been told about the translation spell. "I just pretended I couldn't for the novelty." It was sad, but Kiba could totally see him doing that. "How are you? Last time we met you were..."
"Oh! I'm fine, yes," Asia gasped, suddenly remembering what she had been agonizing over just a few seconds ago. "Are you okay, that man was-"
"He chased me into an abandoned building, knocked out the supports with his hammer and crushed us both. He's dead, but I have a pretty good doctor, so..." He enjoyed her shocked face for a moment before nodding towards Kiba. "This here is my wingman, Yuuto Kiba. He prefers it when you call him Kiba."
"I do not." said Kiba, but there was no heat in his voice. "Hello, nice to meet you."
"Ah-" gasped Asia, and performed a clumsy curtsy. "Nice to meet you. My name is Asia Argento." She peered at them both curiously. "Why are you wearing sunglasses?"
"When tailing someone, you should always come equipped with the bare essentials." nodded Issei sagely, and Kiba facepalmed with a sigh. "I have a third pair. Wanna join us?"
"Why do you have a third pair!"
Kiba's tsukkomi was just a bit too loud, and the class rep turned to see what all the noise was about. All three of them ducked behind the trash, and Issei knew the nun was in.
Later...
"Where did he go!" hissed Issei.
"Into that cafe over there," Asia whispered back, peeping over her sunnies. The cafe in question was from a classy American chain that none of them could pronounce the name of, and all three of them were eyeing it while hiding conspicuously around the corner.
"From our recent findings," Issei began, in what Kiba liked to call his bullshitting voice. "It's natural to assume he's the typical pervert who goes into cafes like that to sit and drink coffee. He's likely the type to shoot sneaky perverted glances from left to right while hiding behind a book."
"The way you explain it, I'm starting to dislike him too." admitted Kiba. "What now?"
"As the saying goes, to hunt a tiger, you must venture into its lair."
"Hey! That place looks stupidly expensive!"
"Um," murmured Asia nervously. "Nuns don't get paid, you know."
"Bah. It's just a slightly classier family restaurant." snorted Issei dismissively.
"...You're hungry, aren't you?" said Kiba finally. "You doing all this just so you can get an Egg Benedict."
"So what if I am!" said Issei, not even trying to deny it. "A building fell on me, dude!"
This was true. "Fine," Kiba sighed. "As a wise man once said, the man who wins is the man who tries."
"Wisdom," nodded Issei, and took the lead.
"Guys?" called Asia plaintively. "I really have no money to speak of."
Inside...
When the class rep came to their table dressed as a waiter, their thoughts varied;
DAFUQ! Class rep works here!
How many zeroes are next to this price tag!
What do you mean they don't have a fucking Egg Benedict!
You can guess which is which.
Of course, though they still had their sunglasses on, the class rep still recognized them. "Aren't you from my class? Why are you here?"
"To eat, of course." said Issei calmly. He wasn't a fool, and he knew they couldn't afford anything on the menu. So he decided to rectify the situation the only way he knew how; by making a scene!
"What would you like?"
"The usual." said Issei smoothly.
"And the usual is...?"
"WHAT THE FUCK!" thundered Issei, bringing his fists down hard on the tabletop and scaring the shit out of his friends. Immediately, all eyes were on them. "THE EMPLOYEES HERE DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT A FREQUENT CUSTOMER EATS? SHIT! FUCK THIS! FUCK YOU! I'M GETTING THE FUCK OUT OF HERE! C'MON GUYS, LET'S BLOW THIS JOINT!"
It probably would have worked, if the manager hadn't been there.
"What the hell is going on over here!"
She was a tall, attractive but severe-looking woman, with short black hair, tight-fitting black jeans and a pink dress shirt. The class rep explained what had happened while the three of them sat in dread.
"I see, so these customers are..." As the manager gave the troublemakers her most intimidating glare, her gaze homed in on Asia. The little blonde nun was drooping miserably, her large, moist eyes beaded with restrained teardrops at the corners and her fragile frame wracked by the occasional sniffle. The manager imagined a set of small yellow dog ears atop her head, flattened repentantly against her skull.
"Right!" she nodded brightly. "To make up for my slave's mistake, this meal is on me! Eat whatever you like!" She gave Asia a fond pat on the head, like that one skittish pet whose shyness makes it everyone's favorite. The three boys stared as she left, then turned to the equally confused Asia.
"We're bringing her here again." murmured Kiba.
"Agreed." nodded Issei.
"Er," said the class rep, who was totally out of his depth. "Would you like to order now?"
In a rare moment of unity, the two boys shared a look.
"Sirloin steak."
"Right."
"Cajun salad."
"Got it."
"Carbonara spaghetti."
"Uh-huh."
This carried on for a while.
Some time later...
"Puaaahhh!" sighed Asia cutely, leaning backwards with her hands folded on her stomach.
"Good food." acknowledged Kiba, dabbing at his mouth with a napkin.
"Edible." agreed Issei, one arm tossed over the back of his chair as the other ran a toothpick over his teeth.
At first Asia was against taking advantage of the manager's kindness. Then she tasted the carbonara.
"So your class representative's food," purred the blonde happily. "Was just leftovers from his part-time job."
"Yeah," murmured Kiba, eyeing his friend out of the corner of his eye. "Issei, you... how are you coping?"
"With what?" Issei frowned.
"With the-" he glanced surreptitiously at Asia. "With the surgery you got after the accident. It was fairly... life-changing."
"Well yeah," Issei replied slowly. "I was surprised, you know, at first-"
"Surprised?" echoed Kiba. "Not shocked or terrified or incredulous? Not horrified or disgusted or repulsed."
Asia began to wonder what sort of surgery he'd had.
"Not particularly," he shrugged. "I mean, this is who I am now, so I may as well deal with it. It's not like I've become a different person, or like I'm crippled. And you have to admit, I was pretty abnormal to begin with."
This was true. Kiba, like anyone else who had known Issei for any length of time, knew about his green-eyed mode. Considering how Issei must have had to deal with his natural differences to the rest of the human race completely on his own whilst growing up, it kind of explained his adaptability.
"Issei-san?" asked Asia innocently. "What kind of surgery did you have?"
They both froze. Now there was an awkward question. Luckily they were saved from answering, as the entire boys' football team of Kuou High came bursting through the front door.
"Asia," said Issei, quickly leaning forward to clasp her hands with his. "It's been nice seeing you again. We should do this again sometime."
"Er," she managed, before a particularly thuggish newcomer stomped over and snagged Issei by the scruff of his neck.
"You!" he snarled, like the word was a curse. "You're Issei Hyoudou!"
"You've heard of me." beamed Issei, seeming pleasantly surprised.
"You swapped our uniforms!" the other boy roared.
"I did, yeah."
"You're just going to admit it? Like it wasn't covered in blood?"
"It's because it was covered in blood that I swapped it for yours." Issei pointed out.
"What did you do? Murder someone?"
"I was attacked by a serial killer, actually."
Behind him Asia was looking more and more alarmed by the minute, but Kiba was just facepalming repeatedly. "Asia-san?"
"Yes?" she squeaked.
"It looks like my partner over there," he nodded at the throng of sportsmen. "Is intent on picking a fight. You should leave, or you'll get caught in the collateral damage." He paused, then smiled softly. "But it has been nice meeting you. We should do this again."
As Asia hurried to the door, the last thing she saw as she looked over her shoulder was Kiba, casually strolling towards the brawl-to-be as though he'd done it a thousand times before.
That night...
"And as I was walking down the street I looked back," Asia was saying. "And one of the big men was just hurled through the front window like it was nothing!"
"Damn," nodded Mitelt, the youngest fallen angel on the premises and the one she was telling the story to. "We should recruit that guy."
At tall man in a trench coat appeared at the door. "Asia, report to Calawana. You've been assigned a partner."
"Yes sir." she nodded quickly, and hurried from the room. The man looked at the little blond goth loli and said; "And you, Lady Reinare wants to see you."
"But Donnasiege," she whined.
"Now!" Donnasiege snapped.
They were in the bowels of an abandoned church at the edge of town, the very one where Issei had dropped Asia off the other day. In one of the darker rooms Mitelt found her superior, a fallen angel with long, dark hair. "Is the Healing Maiden settling in?"
"Quite well, yes." nodded Mitelt.
Reinare was standing next to a massive, intricate drawing that had been chalked out on the ground. It consisted of twelve concentric circles, drawn in layers. At points on the clock, each circle had a hoop at its edge with a black chain threaded through. The chains came together to bind the shaft of the weapon sitting in the center of the magic circle.
A two-handed sledgehammer, balanced on its head. A head darker than any night.