Lucie Hargreaves
Alex stood in the hallway of our home, bags packed ready to leave, Amy waited in the car sobbing, where I slapped her around the face!
"Lucie I have to do the right thing, I'm going to be a father I have a responsibility to Amy and the baby. I am so sorry. I truly am. I didn't mean to."
I stared at Alex, how dare he, we had six months before we got married! How dare he do this to me!
"And that makes it ok? You didn't mean to. So what happened? Did she slip and fall onto your dick!" Alex tried to open the door, I tugged on his arm pulling him back, he jerked his arm out of my grasp "Lucie please sweetheart"
"The whole time you were seeing her behind my back! Why Alex? How long has this been going on?"
"Two…, three years or so, but when Amy fell pregnant we knew we had to tell you…"
I laughed with no humour, "Oh how fucking gracious of you!" he was only telling me because he had been found out, would their sordid little affair have carried on if we had married?
"This was supposed to be the happiest time of our lives and you… and her…. you're throwing it all away to be with a dirty little whore!" I screamed, with tears streaming down my face
Alex stared at the ground stammering, he was unable to look me in the eye, incapable of answering my questions.
When he eventually answered, I was past caring, I closed in on myself, trying to remain strong.
"Lucie I… I love her… I always have. I should never have asked you to marry me. What we had is different to what I have with Amy. You need to let me go."
I slammed the door in his face and sank to the floor in misery allowing pain to permeate my body and shock to punch holes through me, first my head and then my heart.
In hindsight, I wished I said some of those things, fought Alex at the front door, been strong enough to tell him where to go; I was too devastated to move, I accepted what they told me, I couldn't even slap Amy in the face and call her a slut! Why is that when you recall a conversation you come up with some of your wittiest lines? If only I could concentrate for long enough to stop me from thinking of that fateful day.
When Amy and Alex told me she was pregnant, Alex moved out, leaving me in the home we had bought together. I did not eat properly, I hardly slept, and my career suffered as a result. None of my friends or family knew Alex and I had split up until my sister Joanna rang one evening to arrange a weekend to visit us in Reading. Jo rang my dad. Worried when I did not answer her phone call and as soon as Pete knew, he made the decision for me to leave Reading and move back to our family home in Dorset, and that is where I have lived since February this year. Alex and Amy moved back into our house, took my name off the mortgage giving me a share of the money. Now all I have to show for ten years of commitment is £25,000 and a broken heart. I know I should not complain and should be thankful that I am out of a bad relationship, but today is a bad day and I am feeling pessimistic.
This was six months ago. I should be getting married tomorrow and going on honeymoon on Sunday and then planning to spend the rest of my days with Alex, so excuse me for feeling a little down. I seem to be coping, I have good days, and bad in equal measures. I try to take each day one step at a time. Being at the stables helps, I can cope in the fresh air, I took up yoga and palates to help me lose the weight I gained from my junk diet, and occasionally I eat fish, but not that often. It's when I go home and have to face being around others that I find things difficult. I tend to push people away and try to cope with things alone and lash out in temper at the slightest thing. I hate being a burden on my parents, I hate that I've lost my independence and I hate that I allowed Alex and Amy to hurt me so deeply, I wish I could stop hating and start living.
I stood in the stable yard, cleaning the hooves of my horse Sandy, preparing him for the show jumping contest held tomorrow. My best friend Becky was helping me with the dressage section of the show.
Switching off the radio, I gazed up at the bright blue sky and the thick layer of cloud that kept the sun hidden, preventing it from warming my skin. I looked around me briefly, familiarizing myself with my surroundings, birds chirped in the trees and seagulls cawed in the distance and the clouds grew darker, casting eerie shadows across the veiled sun, giving me an ominous feeling.
Today was Friday 31st July, although to me it did not feel like the end of the week, more like the beginning of another monotonous day filled with tears, tantrums and shouting!
A gust of salty wind blew off the coast causing my hair to fall around my eyes. I tied my hair upon my head, and continued cleaning Sandy's hooves.
"Hiya chicken, I've brought those worming tablets you wanted for Sandy."
"Hi Dad" I greeted him with a smile
I placed Sandy's hoof on the ground and gave my dad a squeeze; he hugged me back and handed me the tablets. I read the label briefly to check the dosage and thanked him.
"I can't stay long Lucie, because I'm expecting a delivery from Patrick soon, he's always so punctual."
"Ok well I won't keep you too long; anyway, can't Aiden sort him out?"
Aiden McNally is a locum vet my dad had employed to help with the extra clients. Aiden is what you would call you typical Australian bloke. He is from the Northern Territory of Australia his family come from a long line of beef farmers, he likes Aussie rules football, beer, rugby and barbecues. He has worked with my dad for three months, we get along well, he doesn't take any of my crap, and he and his girlfriend Vanessa have become good friends over the past few months.
"He could, but he's out at a seminar and I've got Chris Harris treating Aidan's clients, he doesn't know about the deal I've got going with Patrick." Dad gave me a wink and I laughed,
"Dad this is fruit and veg he's giving you, you're talking as though you're dealing heroin or something."
"He's not Luce, I don't want anybody asking questions, anyway can you at least try to be nice to him, and he has a real soft spot for you." My dad grinned nudging me with his elbow trying to appeal to my better nature
I groaned in exasperation, "Dad I want nothing to do with him! Not after the other night when he sat staring at me, it's not normal for a person to focus on something or somebody for so long!"
"Maybe, he's shy Luce, what about if you just talked to him-."
"I said no, dad!" cutting him off I folded my arms and glanced at Tilly, my crazy Springer spaniel as she chased reflections of the stirrups on Sandy's saddle as they blew in the wind.
I stopped what I was doing and shooed her into one of the empty stables. Sally my step mum, hated her being at home, because apparently she got in the way!
I inherited Tilly….Actually no; she inherited me after I split with Alex.
I love that dog so much. She is the much-needed comfort after six months on my own. She seems to know moods and is always there to love me unconditionally.
I stared at my dad, trying to keep my ever-bubbling temper at bay, I was never this angry before.
I looked around at the mess in the stables and sighed I tried to answer him calmly, "I've still got so much to do here, and I don't see me finishing past six o'clock, Claire said she might pop down to help."
"Lucie are you sure it's wise to ask Claire? You've done so well recently and I think having her around will set you back." I nodded. Things between us seemed to have improved since the last time, and I thought I could trust her.
"Ok honey, do you want dinner when you get home?"
"Yes please … Although is my board going to go up because Sally has to feed me as well as sacrifice her office to give me a place to sleep."
"No Lucie, don't be silly, you know you're welcome back, you'll always have a place at home with us."
"Thanks dad, at least you seem to think so."
"Oh Luce, of course I do, and so does Sally. Chin up chicken, hopefully we'll have some good news and we can put the last six months behind us."
"Yeah I hope so too."
My dad gave me a one-armed hug and patted Sandy on the head and left me to carry on working.
Eventually I finished what I was doing; put Sandy back in his stable and checked on the other horses, ensuring their stable doors were bolted. It was only recently that we found an old horse dead in the field.
On post-mortem, my dad had told me there was no blood in its veins! Aiden was clueless, even my dad could not find an explanation. There was nothing in all his old veterinary textbooks, even his old boss and the owner of the stable yard, Christopher Harris could not find an explanation. Remember the ominous feeling I mentioned, well it stayed with me well into the night and through my dreams…
Patrick Fitzgerald gazed at me, a hungry glint in his crimson eyes, in his arms he held a limp figure of a young woman, she was bleeding,
Patrick covered in blood, could have been hers… Next, a white room surrounded by my family and faceless figures, four men four women…
Patrick held my hand, pulling me away from my family the faceless figures nodded… I was alone with Patrick; his eyes were blazing gold, with a flawlessly beautiful complexion, he advanced towards me.
I had nowhere to go, I was trapped… The pain I felt, burnt through my body,
everything hurt, nothing could soothe me, nobody could save me, and then it stopped….
Alex and Amy, holding their baby, jeering at me….
The wedding that never was…Alex and Amy old sitting in rocking chairs surrounded by grandchildren, me young, beautiful and dangerous
I gazed in a mirror, he was there with me, and I too was perfect, with crimson eyes…
The faceless vampires nodded with approval….
Vampires! I am dreaming about vampires now, I must be insane! I sat up and checked my reflection in the mirror, trying to make sense of last nights dream;
again, my eyes were red and puffy from crying in my sleep. In the distance, I heard my mobile ringing, I answered it.
"Hello."
"Lucie." There was a lot of fake coughing and spluttering. It was Claire!
"I'm not coming to the stables or the show, I'm ill!"
"Ok fine, it's a good job I asked Becky, if that's all I'll get going then, bye then Claire." I kept my tone pleasant I knew this would rile her. I held the phone away from my ear, got out of bed and opened the curtains while she continued her tirade of abuse. I could not be bothered to listen to the bilge spewing from her mouth. I put my phone on loudspeaker so everybody heard what she was saying, it made no difference, she still ended up coming around, she didn't seem to bother Sally as much as she bothered dad!
"Before you go I though I'd tell you..."
I slammed the phone down I knew exactly what she would say how happy Alex and Amy were and how much they were looking forward to the birth of the baby and that I was only trying to befriend her to get closer to Alex, which was a lie, I didn't need to hear that today, I needed to focus. My real reasons were so I could be closer to Ryan my youngest brother. However, the more time he spent with her the further Ryan and I drifted apart. I sighed and took my riding clothes out of my wardrobe. A while later I heard my parents stirring then get up.
Ryan stood in the threshold of my bedroom, he had his arms folded and was tapping his foot on my wooden floor, with an expression on his face that said slap me now!
"What do you want?" I snapped
"Are you quite finished verbally abusing my girlfriend! Don't take your pathetic existence out on her, and stop living in the past!"
I raised my eyebrows and looked him up and down, "Ryan, go away! Did you hear me say anything to her?
He moved in close to me ensuring nobody heard, Ryan sneered at me, "When will you get the message Lucie…? Alex ...does not…. want you any more!"" He spoke to me as though I was simple.
"Don't do this, not today. " I half begged
He carried on disregarding my pleas. He leant on the door frame of my room and folded his arms, with an arrogant expression on his face, he flicked his hair out of his eyes and stared at me then placed a his thumb and index finger on his chin and thought for a while then he pointed at me and laughed!
He fucking laughed at me! "Oh yeah, I forgot you were supposed to be marrying him today! Hey maybe now you'll go and find your own life and stop trying to hold on something that died long ago!"
"GET OUT!"
Enraged that my brother took pleasure in my pain and humiliation, I threw one of my riding boots, which hit him square on the forehead! How dare he disrespect me in such a way, how dare he use my pain and humiliation to get a cheep laugh. I knew things between us had deteriorated since he continued to see Clare after Alex and I split but to sink to that level was unforgivable and I hated to admit this but I despised him and felt shame that I actually hated a member of my family!
His hand flew up to the bridge of his nose as a scarlet trickle of blood dripped from his nose. "Arrgh! You crazy bitch!" he bellowed
"Serves you right, now get out of my way!"
I seethed as I pushed past Ryan giving the dirtiest look I could summon. I stomped across the landing to the bathroom and slammed the door. I splashed water on my face and put on my moisturiser. I didn't need anything else to go wrong today, I knew I would have to face Sally when I got down stairs. I could already hear Ryan shouting and hollering downstairs.
My brother had decided to show more loyalty to Claire instead of his own flesh and blood, I was stuck back at home, living with my parents, feeling like an inconvenience to my stepmother, who did not seem to care or acknowledge my pain.
I needed to suck it up and carry on, try to turn my situation around, and try to put the past behind me, easier said that done as I sank to the floor and sobbed into my dressing gown.
After getting ready into old work clothes, I packed my riding uniform and placed it in a suit bag, picked up my riding boot and retrieved the missing boot from the landing
I made my way downstairs to the kitchen where Sally and dad were enjoying a cup of coffee and some toast.
"I thought I heard your dulcet tones… toast?" She offered, I shook my head declining.
"What did you throw at Ryan, do you realise he may have to go to A&E you could have broken his nose! And has a show to perform on Wednesday?"
"Well it serves him right if you ask me! Maybe it will knock some sense into him and he will learn to keep his mouth shut! Can't you do anything about him; he's your son for fuck sake!"
"That's enough!" Sally snapped
"No it isn't enough! How could you not hear what he said to me…?"
"I didn't hear a thing Lucie, all I heard was you shouting," Sally, sighed. "How many times have I told you to ignore him?"
I was about to say that was slightly difficult when he's in my room dredging up the past at every opportunity he gets, but Sally cut across me.
"Lucie, your father and I are getting fed up, with the constant bickering and cruel words between you two; it's got to stop before somebody gets seriously hurt, because I simply will not tolerate it any more!"
"That had nothing to do with me! I hope you're going to speak to him about what he said to me this morning! You may think its ok for him to laugh in my face and take the worst day of my life and use it to take the piss, but the last time I checked that was not acceptable!"
My dad looked up from his newspaper with his glasses perched on the end of his nose, he sighed
"Lucie! We will sort it out for you and tell him to leave you alone Ok."
I thanked my dad; grateful he was there to stick up for me, and left him and Sally arguing in the kitchen, closing the door behind me.
"Sally do you realise what day it is today? There was no need for that, none of this is her fault, you could have at least been a little more sympathetic….she is trying!"
I did not stop to listen to what Sally had to say; I had heard it all before. I heard my phone ringing, but could not answer it in time.
When I got to the car I listened to a voice-mail from by older brother Max, saying that he and my sister in-law Sarah were coming down to Dorset from Liverpool where they lived, they had a few weeks holiday and would most defiantly be there for moral support along with their two children, Joseph and Isaac. They were staying in a hotel for the night and would continue their journey the following day because a four-hour car journey with two small boys to entertain was not something to try in a day. I rang him back and told him about what Ryan had said and how I threw a boot in his face.
I started the engine of my car, reversed off the drive, and thought of the tenuous relationship between Sally, Ryan, and me as I drove to the stable yard. Yet again, she took Ryan's side as she always does. I never knew my biological mother she died of breast cancer after my first birthday, Max was five, and Joanna was two. We never saw the strain being a single parent took on him bringing up three young children less than five years old; Setting up his veterinary surgery and juggling household chores there was not enough money to make ends meet sometimes. He always managed to keep that side hidden, always had a smile for us, and never denied us love. We never went without because both sets of our grandparents were supportive through the hardest of times, taking us children away on holidays, and day trips to the city, making sure we had food in our bellies and clothes on our backs. They took care of us when my dad had to work long hours when the surgery was in its infancy.
We managed, so you could say my dad is my hero, he never gets enough praise for the job of raising us, and the most admirable thing about it is you never hear him complaining. He had to be a mother and a father, and provide us with a stable up bringing… we owe him a lot. My dad met Sally through Christopher and Linda Harris, former boss and mentor. I remember the first time Max, Jo and I met Sally. I was five, Jo was six and Max was eleven, my granddad Basil had dropped us off home after a riding lesson and my dad had told us to put on our best clothes, there was somebody special he wanted us to meet.
My dad married Sally in 1989, the five of us were happy the longest time. Sally worked hard to provide for her ready-made family, she made my dad happy and that was good enough for Max, Joanna and me. When Sally fell pregnant with Ryan the family dynamics began to change, Sally now had a child of her own, she never neglected us and always made time, but Ryan's welfare came before ours, and that caused arguments between her and my father. I was eleven when Ryan was born and though I saw Sally, as a role model then; that changed when Ryan came along I felt pushed aside, but tried to stay involved with Sally I needed a mother. Growing up I had more of a relationship with Becky's mum Marilyn than I ever had with Sally.
I spent more time at the stables with Joanna and Max, messing around and going on adventures in the surrounding fields and playing on the coast; and when I was not at the stables with Max and Jo I was at Becky or Dave's house, just hanging out and being teenagers. Rebecca Louise Rhodes and David Lewis Hughes are the most amazing best friends, I bless the day Becky shared her carton of milk with me when I spilt mine, on our first day at pre-school.
Ever since that day, she and Dave have been my closest friends and without them I would have gone down a very different path.
From the ages of thirteen to sixteen I rebelled against Sally, some would say for attention, some would say it was a cry for help, whatever the reason I made my dad and Sally's life hell. I never caused havoc on the streets or did anything malicious to other people, just took my frustrations out on Sally and dad, I got into fights at school with the tough girls in our year and was on the verge of being expelled. The worst thing I did was date one of Max's friends when I was sixteen, and he was twenty nearly twenty-one at the time, the arguments it caused were horrific.
As a child, my dad and Sally never raided a hand to me ever, but the night I disappeared with Max's friend Tommy Mitchell. Sally dragged me out of his car and slapped me across the face, then she and my dad gave me an hour-long lecture on the dangers of under-age sex. I thought I was old enough to date a man, and claimed I loved him I ran away with him for a day. My dad and Sally were frantic, they grounded me for months, and all I did was school, home sleep repeat, for months, forbidden to see Becky and Dave or any of my school friends. I spent my weekends helping Frank and Edith Collins at their teashop in Poole harbour or work at the veterinary surgery with my dad when he had on call duties and if we were not on call then I was stuck in the back cleaning operating equipment and answering telephones. I had an on/off relationship with a lad from Newcastle in my late teens and until I got to university and then went a little wild but this time, the trouble nearly lost me my life.
I arrived at the stables and got to work preparing Sandy's breakfast. I let Sandy out to stretch his legs after being cooped up all night. I let the other horses out to stretch their legs and checked the fields for any dead wild life. The horse was not the only casualty. A few weeks ago, I found three foxes and a monk jack deer all drained of blood with puncture wounds on their throats. There was something out there, something or somebody was doing this to animals and I needed to find out what it was, any cruelty to animals is abhorrent to me.I tried to pushed it to the back of my mind, but that foreboding feeling crept up on me again.
I heard somebody call out from behind me then felt a smack on my bum I turned around faced with Becky grinning at me.
"Allo, darling'!"
She startled me from my musings, "You alright my lover!" I answered over exaggerating my West Country accent.
"I hear Claire let you down again! Why do you ask that cow for anything…? Honestly Lucie you don't do yourself any favours by asking her to help, you end up hurt every time and I hate seeing you like this."
"You know why Becks." Becky nodded; we have had this conversation so many times
"I wish Ryan could see what vindictive little bitch she is…. Anyway I've decided not to let them two get the better of me, I'm going to enjoy life, I need to move on, I've wasted six months of my life dwelling on the past, this is not healthy to hold onto the pain. I wish there was somebody who knows me inside out and loves me for me!"
"What about that Patrick… eh?" she asked waggling her eyebrows
"Oh not you as well, been talking to my dad recently" and I jabbed her gently with my elbow, Becky grinned
Why were Becky and my dad urging me to know Patrick, he may be good-looking but he was nothing special, I continued telling Becky about the morning, she laughed loudly when I told her about hitting Ryan in the head with my riding boot, "Oh dear, did you damage your boot?"
"No Ryan's head bore the brunt of that, Becky I need to get out of there! They make me so angry! If it were not for my dad, I'd have gone months ago!"
"I know you would have, you know the offers still there to move in with Dave and me?" I nodded, feeling my eyes prickle with tears
"Do you know what you need Lucie, my lovely?"
"A lobotomy!" I sniffed
"No, you div!" She placed her arm around my shoulder
"You need a night out with me and Dave, ask Aiden and Vanessa to join us and we'll go to the Jolly Sailor and get completely wrecked, and not come home until the sun comes up, what do you say!"
"Sounds like a plan Becky." I grinned at her feeling the day could take a turn for the better with my bestie by my side!
While I made Becky a cup of tea, I thanked her for what seemed the umpteenth time; we talked about who was going to be entering each event with Sandy and the order of the show. The morning was wearing on and there was still so much to do. We had just started cleaning and polishing all the tack and saddle.
"Good morning my lovelies!" said Frank in his old West Country accent. "I've got Sandy's new shoes here ready to fit…. Please tell me you aren't going to put up another protest and tell me to stop torturing your little horse"
Laughed Frank the Farrier. Frank placed his equipment in the courtyard of the stables, and then stoked the fire in the kiln.
"Not at all. I'll let you get on with it this time." I told him with a fond smile
Frank Collins was a very familiar and much-loved face around the stable yard and a dear friend of the family, we grew up with Frank and his wife Edith, they taught us a lot, and that was where my love of animals began…
I didn't like the stinky smell at the stables today, when Frank came, he always made it smell like daddy's socks and poo and fire.
There was lots of noise and banging and I watched him getting Starburst from her stable and holding her foot and then getting the orange horse shoe and putting it on her foot, she didn't cry but smoke came out and the stinky smell of fire and poo and daddy's socks went up my nose, I didn't like that.
"Frank, what you doing, why have you got all that fire, are you going to hurt her?" I stood close to Frank and my daddy pulled me back.
Frank shaked his head and smiled, my daddy put his hand on my shoulder and telled me, "Lucie, please stay back, this is very hot and I don't want you to get burnt…
Max, Joanna, take Lucie off to go and play."
"But daddy… Franks, gonna burn Starburst and hurt her feet."
My daddy smiled, "No, Lucie, don't worry, Starburst will be fine, ok you go and play and we'll come to find you when we're finished."
Maxi tagged me and told me I was 'it' and he and Jo-Jo runned away, I didn't want to be 'it' I always have to be 'it' first, it's not fair! I didn't want to play with them and went and looked for spiders on my own, I got one and put it in a box and then went to the barn and played with my big spider. I liked it when the spider hanged off my finger by its web, and they can run really fast with all them legs they got.
I wish I had lots of legs like a spider and I could run away from Maxi really fast when he chases me with slugs and I could catch him when we play tag and I wouldn't have to be 'it' all the time! I like all animals and all the bugs but not slugs cos they're all slimy and once I treaded on one and it squished in my toes and Maxi called me slug foot!
I looked up and saw Frank,
"There you are Lucie, we wondered where you got to, and you mustn't go off without telling a grown-up where you're going, poppet it's getting dark come back with me and we can have a drink of hot chocolate."
"Ok, I'm sorry."
"That's ok; just remember for next time…what's that you have there, a spider?" I nodded
He sitted next to me and took my spider, called Boris, and I watched it run up his arm and over his hand. He stood up and I held on his hand and we said good-bye to Boris we walked out of the barn and round the corner where my daddy and Maxi and Jo-Jo waited, and Uncle Frank telled me,
"I've finished putting on Starburst's shoes, if you want to make sure she's ok."
Frank still smelled like fire and his hands was all dirty. "Frank, why did you have to put different shoes on Starburst?"
"Because, of all the riding, sweetheart. I bet your daddy wouldn't let you go outside with no shoes on."
"Sometimes he does, but only when I'm playing in the garden."
Frank laughed and my daddy laughed, "Right, well Starburst's feet have soft parts on them that need protecting like your feet and the shoes help to do that… Also if I didn't give her new shoes then Starburst's feet would hurt, because her feet grow like yours, how would you feel if you had shoes on your feet that were too small?"
"I'd feel sad and have hurting feet."
"That's right, so that's why we have to change her shoes. Here you go Lucie, I have something for you."
Frank gived me the thing in has hand and it was all muddy and dirty, "This is one of Starburst's old shoes and its lucky…Always hold it up the right way or all the luck will fall out and get washed away down the drain to China…!"
Back in the real world, Frank had finally finished and was cleaning up it was quarter to eight.
"Well that's me done, girlies! Oh and Lucie feel free to drop in for a cuppa, Edith, would love to see you again"
"Thanks Frank, tell Edith I said hi."
"Will do Lucie and good luck for today!"
"Bye Frank and thank you!" We called in unison as he got into his Land Rover and drove away.
After dropping Becky home, I waved to Dave who stood at the bay window of their home and made my way back home to get ready for my big night out. The time was five o' clock, I should be in my wedding dress now happily married spending my first few hours as Mrs Alexander Dinsdale, sitting at our wedding breakfast, listening to my dad's speech…. Briefly my thoughts wandered to Alex, is he even aware of what should have happened today, I doubted it, he's probably too wrapped up in playing happy families with her! Knowing what I do now, I would rather be going out on the piss with Becky than tying myself down to him.
When I got home I had plenty of time for a long hot bath to soothe away all my aches and pains. I made sure I took time to pamper myself and ventured downstairs to get a glass of wine, fully relaxed and ready for a good night on the tiles.
Sally and Claire were in the kitchen with a bottle of £25.00 Melbec, I bought and was saving for my dad's birthday open on the worktop! Claire took a huge glug of the wine, holding my gaze and sneered at me!
Where was my dad when I needed him…? I'll tell you where he was, he was at Chris and Linda's house no doubt watching rugby in Chris's den while drinking whiskey and putting the world rights! I was not going to allow Claire to ruin my evening so I ignored her and disregarded the thudding in my ears from my raised pulse I hope you choke you little bitch! What the hell is she doing here, does the little bitch have an ounce of decency in her scrawny little body! I could not believe what I was seeing. I glowered at Sally; making sure, she knew I was livid! What goes on in that head of hers? Is she doing this to get back at me for years of rebellion, at that moment in time I felt as though this entire situation was a conspiracy to send me over the edge and into a mental asylum!
I glared at them grabbing the bottle and poured it down the sink, I know that was irrational but there was no way they were going to enjoy that wine not after I bought it. I left the kitchen, slamming the door as I went. I returned to my room and picked out my most favourite outfit my red silk camisole and black, skinny jeans and leopard print platform heels and my favourite Mulberry handbag, I turned on my I-pod to find some Muse. With Assassin blasting through the speakers, there was a loud rapping on my door;
"What the fuck Sally!"
"Don't you dare swear at me, Lucinda Jade Hargreaves! What was that all about! Claire wonders what she has done wrong, and so do I, why are you being so hostile"
I baulked, and my mouth flew open
"Oh I'm being hostile, is it any fucking wonder! I think she knows exactly what the problem is… what do you expect me to do about it!"
"Act like an adult instead of a petulant teenager!"
"I was trying to do the adult thing by ignoring her!" I turned the music down slightly, but continued speaking at the same volume,
"I can't win can I, I'm wrong when I try to speak to her and I'm wrong when I ignore her, she's a manipulative little bitch and she has you right where she wants you… Do you even know what day it is today and what was supposed to have happened?"
Sally gave me a blank look, I shook my head with disbelief, "…but hey why should you care, you haven't for the past six months while I've gone through the roughest time of my life, why should another few months matter, I've only been living under the same bloody roof as you."
"Not for long if this carries on!" she bellowed at me
"Well fine, that's it throw me out, I'm sure we'll see what my dad has to say about that! I can't stand another fucking minute in this house with you and your twisted perception of family…. So long as Ryan gets what he wants, its bollocks to the rest of us!"
Sally stayed in the doorway of my room, her cheeks flush, her eyes bulging, filling with tears beneath her rectangular glasses and her neat bob messy where she had brushed her hands through her hair, I didn't care at that moment that she was close to tears, she needed to hear what I had to say
"I have done nothing wrong! They are the ones who are provoking me; she is the one dredging up the past at every opportunity! I am sick to death with you making me feel like the villain!"
I paced the room irate, months of anger and pain tumbling out of my mouth
"Alex is her brother! She is bound to see things from his point of view and use my pain and humiliation against me for a cheep laugh! To dig that knife in a little deeper! Is it not enough that I am already fucked up as it is…? Do I not deserve a little peace at home? You don't get it Sally! You were sharing wine with her as if nothing happened at all… which by the way I specifically asked you not to open because I was saving it for MY dad's birthday! "
I barged past her, stood at the top of the landing,
"I HOPE YOU CAN HEAR THIS AND I HOPE YOU'RE PROUD OF YOURSELF!"
Sally pulled me back into the room ans tried to hold my arms, "Oh for heaven's sake! Stop being so melodramatic Lucie! It was a bottle of wine, how was I to know you were saving it for your father!"
I lifted my arms away from her and folded them to my chest, "Oh I don't know, how about you asked me, you know that thing called common decency and mutual respect, things that you seem to lack when it comes to me!"
"That works both ways Lucie! How dare you insinuate that I don't care about you, that's an awful thing to say and you know full well there is no truth in it!"
"Well then prove it! Show me you care and chuck her out of the house and stop Ryan from seeing her. Be the parent you say you are and protect your children!"
"Lucie…" I knew I had gone too far when she sank onto my bed tears streaming down her face. I stopped pacing and stood next to her, then sat on the bed by her side. How was it that I was the one comforting her when she was the one who allowed Claire in the house. Sally peered at me over her glasses tears falling down her cheeks.
"I'm so sorry you feel that way, I was trying to keep the peace between you. If you just sat and spoke with her like you used to, then maybe you could talk this through." I glared at her I truly could not believe she was saying.
"No, I don't think that will work! We're past the talking things through stage! " I snapped, making quote marks with my fingers, she glared at the ground
"I know I've caused you more trouble than Max and Joanna and Ryan, but this should never have got this bad, Sally…" I looked into her eyes, she reminded me of a frightened child and her expression made me blister with rage.
"For goodness sake, who is the parent here, I just want my life back, I'm sorry I said you don't care, but that's how it feels to me, you haven't once asked me how I'm coping, you've just carried on as though nothing has happened, do you have any idea how much that hurts." The tears I held back fell, staining my top.
Sally reached for me and I sat next to her on my bed, she soothed hair away from my face and kissed my forehead. "Lucie of course I do, I understand how hard today was going to be… I'm so sorry, sorry for everything. Especially the wine would you like me to replace it?"
I slapped my thigh in exasperation "Sally it's not about the wine. I don't care about the wine! It's that you are so clueless when it comes to Ryan and Claire! That you'd rather turn a blind eye and carry on as if the last six months never happened. And the day when I needed you the most, you are sitting in the kitchen sharing a bottle of wine with my ex-fiancé's sister! Do you have any idea how fucked up that is!"
Sally took a deep breath and sighed, softening her tone so I had no choice but to calm down, she pulled me on my bed to sit with her, I stiffened against her, trying to protect myself.
"I see that now and I cannot apologise enough, Lucie I tried, I really did but you won't let me in. So when you came home from Reading, I thought the last thing you wanted to do was talk about what he did, so I tried to keep things going as if it never happened." Sally placed an arm around my shoulder and gave it a squeeze, the way she used to when I was younger, she smoothed the hair out of my eyes and I lay my head on her shoulder.
"I understand how much Alex has hurt you. Sweetheart I am so sorry I let that happen, I failed you as your mother. I thought that if I allowed Ryan to see Claire that it may improve between you, but I see now that was wrong. I should have realised that letting her in the house was the wrong thing to do and you are right I should have done more to protect you.
"I do love you Lucie and I should have seen how vulnerable you were and still are, if there is anything I can do to help, name it and it's yours."
"You know what I want. I want my baby brother back. I want Ryan to stop seeing her, but that is Ryan's choice. Ultimately, he is the only one who can change that, not us. I do need to move out Sally, before things get worse."
"Oh Lucie are you sure?"
I nodded, "I can't live with my parents forever."
"Where will you go?"
"I'm going to see if I can rent one of the spare flats above the surgery. I haven't really been sensible with the money I got from the share of the mortgage; I don't even know how much it left in my account."
"Well if it's what you need to do, then I won't stand in your way. Just make sure you speak to your dad first ok."
"I will Sally. Do you mind if I finish getting ready now, I was supposed to meet Becky and Dave at nine?"
Sally left my room and I worked to put my face back together, I knew I would feel better after a screaming fit, why did I not do this in the beginning, now I had aired all my anger I felt as though I could finally move on.