[Act I Scene Four]

Taric's apartment—Andrei, Taric

Taric: "Well, since it is in a good cause, I accept. But on one condition…"

Andrei: "What's that, Sir Taric?"

Taric: "That I get to design my own costume."

Andrei: "But, that's bloody unreasonable! Jericho Swain would never dress like you."

Taric: "Well, he ought to. Really, his sense of style is simply ghastly."

Andrei: "I don't think this is a good idea…"

Taric: "Do you want my help or not?"

Andrei: "…"

Taric: "Don't worry, I can be a very convincing actor, when I want to be."

Andrei: "But Swain can be vindictive. If he doesn't like your performance…"

Taric: "Not a problem—he's not half as vindictive as Rumble, let me assure you."

Andrei: "Granted. Fine, but you have to promise me one thing."

Taric: "What is that?"

Andrei: "You can't do your campy poofter impression while pretending to be Swain."

Taric: "No fun. I'm sure that campy poofter Swain would have them rolling in the aisles."

Andrei: "Listen, I'd love to take the piss out of Swain as much as the next bloke. But the boss says we are trying for, what the fuck is that word, verisimilitude."

Taric: "That's quite a mouthful. Almost as impressive as Graves' package."

Andrei: "How the bloody hell would you know?"

Taric: "Everybody knows. At the last pool party, there was a game of strip poker. He went all in with Lux and lost."

Andrei: "Shit, how could that happen? Graves is a veteran gambler, and that girl has no poker face at all. Plus, no offence, but the Lady of Luminosity isn't exactly the brightest light in the firmament."

Taric: "You should have seen her bikini. Graves probably wasn't looking at her face."

Andrei: "Bugger, you champions have it nice, surrounded by the most beautiful girls on the planet. Anyway, will you please just agree to play Swain straight."

Taric: "Just for you, sweet cheeks."

Andrei: "Sod off."

[Act I Scene Five]

Summoner's Rift—Arv, Cliff

Cliff: "Welcome back, justice fans. This afternoon's match—10 minutes underway—is being played according to the International Friendship Match conventions, which means that each team of five includes one Demacian, one Noxian, one Ionian, one Freljord, and one champion from Zaun, Piltover, or Bandle City. Blue team features Talon, Kennen, Quinn, Sejuani, and Jayce, while Purple team features Syndra, Cassiopeia, Lissandra, Lulu and Jarvan IV. What do you think, Arv?"

Arv: "Well Cliff, not exactly balanced teams, are they?"

Cliff: "Politically balanced, by citizenship and random draw. Not balanced for laning or team fights, no. Purple team has four mages, so they will be counting heavily on Jarvan for hand to hand, for example."

Arv: "Bot lane is an interesting matchup, Quinn and Jayce versus Syndra and Lulu. Kennen is taking on Lissandra top, while Talon is up against Cassiopeia mid. Sejuani and Jarvan are the respective junglers."

Cliff: "Another factor to consider is that the summoners were also chosen at random, from different skill pools, so it's a bit of a pro-am in that respect. In fact, I believe that for Jarvan IV's summoner, Andrei, this is his first public match."

Arv: "Whoa, seriously? Talk about trial by fire, Cliff."

Cliff: "You got it, Arv. Speaking of Andrei, am I right in observing that he had Jarvan pick up a revolver first back? That's a very strange choice of item for the prince, don't you think?"

Arv: "Indeed, but he must feel that while Jarvan's spear is the ideal weapon to counter Sejuani, who is mounted, the prince needs something extra to deal with the enemy assassins in top and mid."

Cliff: "The best defence is a good offence, eh Arv? Let's see how well that works out for Purple team..."

Arv: "Whoa, look at that, Cliff! Things are heating up in top lane around the purple outer turret. Let's get a closer look…"

Cliff: "There's Lissandra, caught out of position as Sejuani comes in for the gank."

Arv: "No love lost between those two."

Cliff: "Kennen's advancing, he and Lissandra are both low on health, but it's 2v1. Lissandra trying to get to safety under turret, but they are going to dive her…wait! Here comes Jarvan IV ghosting out of the brush for the countergank! Sejuani's drawn the turret aggro, can she finish off Lissandra before…now Jarvan in hand-to-hand with Kennen, the yordle trying to dodge, he's forced to flash away…too late! He's taken down by Jarvan with the revolver."

Arv: "Sejuani can't afford to stay near the turret, she has to get out."

Cliff: "Sejuani charges Jarvan, now they are exchanging blows. Sejuani with the permafrost, she should be able to escape now…no, great recovery by Jarvan, look at him run! And Lissandra with the ice claw, Sejuani is in trouble…Jarvan with the revolver, picks up the double kill."

Arv: "What a brilliant reversal by the Prince."

Cliff: "Credit to his summoner, Andrei, for picking just the right moment to make the play. Jarvan with both buffs now, heading for mid lane where Talon is harassing his Noxian countrywoman hard."

Arv: "This should be fun to watch…"

[Act I Scene Six]

A secret conference room somewhere in the Halls of Justice—Cassiopeia, Darius, Draven, Katerina

Katarina: "So, how was the International Friendship Match this afternoon, sister? Did Noxus represent well?"

Cassiopeia: "No, the fix was in. Since I was matched against your friend Talon, one of us was bound to look bad. Eventually I swapped lanes with Lissandra and went top, since she was tired of having her sister Sejuani always trying to gank her there."

Katarina: "Were you on the winning team?"

Cassiopeia: "Yeah, I can't believe that we got carried by Jarvan. Even worse, the man was using nothing but a revolver most of the time. That bastard was just showing off for the international fans. Though I have to admit, the hunk has swag."

[ Enter Taric/Swain, dressed in an outrageously blinged-out uniform. ]

All: "Strength for glory! Noxus forever!"

Taric/Swain: "I now declare this secret meeting open and turn the floor over to General Darius."

Darius: "Thanks, General Swain. The reason I have called this meeting is…"

Katarina: "Objection!"

Taric/Swain: "What is it, Assassin?"

Katarina: "What's with all of the titles? This is a secret meeting. Why stand on ceremony?"

Draven: "Bet you wouldn't say that if you were a general and not a lowly assassin."

Katarina: "Shut up, Executioner. At least I don't spend all of my time obsessing over my image for the plebs."

Draven: "At least I don't have to spend any time on my hands and knees to set up a kill."

Taric/Swain: "Silence. Both of you are disgraces to the noble uniforms we proudly wear."

Cassiopeia: "Speaking of uniforms, what's with your new uniform, General Swain? Trying to blind us with your very presence?"

Taric/Swain: "Something like that. My other uniforms are all at the cleaners. Now please be good boys and girls and give your attention to General Darius, or mild-mannered Uncle Swain is going to get angry."

Darius: "Thank you. As you may know, the impending state visit to Demacia of Queen Ashe and King Tryndamere is very dangerous for Noxus. Rumour has it that they would like to sign a pact of mutual assistance that goes well beyond lowering trade barriers and setting up cultural exchanges for young nobles. No, they are thinking of alliance."

Cassiopeia: "That would be terrible. No more picking off isolated barbarian tribes with impunity. And any war against Demacia would be trouble, too. As soon as we marched the army over to fight them, we would have hordes of berserker raiders up the ass, burning all our villages."

Darius: "Exactly, and the brain behind this is none other than…"

Draven: "Sejuani?"

Darius: "Brother, I think that the maximum hold hair gel you use has permeated your thick skull at last. No, none other than…"

Katarina: "Garen?"

Cassiopeia: "Sister, that Demacian bruiser may be well-endowed from the neck down, but in case you hadn't noticed, the colour of his brain is 100% blond."

Taric/Swain: "Is it my turn to guess, General?"

Darius: "Be my guest, General."

Taric/Swain: "The genius behind this is none other than yours truly, Swain the Beautiful."

Draven: "The hell? I thought Draven was the Beautiful One."

Taric/Swain: "I mean, the Beautiful Mind."

Draven: "Thank you."

Katarina: "How can YOU be behind this? That makes no sense."

Darius: "Ah, I see."

Taric/Swain: "That, girl, is why you are still an assassin, and not a general like Darius here, who has just figured out the game. Care to explain it, General?"

Darius: "Certainly, General. The bigger the diplomatic stakes, the bigger the penalty for failure. Apparently General Swain has already formulated a plan to cause the diplomatic mission to fail catastrophically, plunging Demacia into war with the Freljord. Needless to say, Noxus will be waiting like a vulture, ready to eat up the bloody pieces. All hail the genius of our Grand General!"

All but Swain: "Hail Swain! Hail Swain!"

Taric/Swain: "Thank you, my friends. You are too kind."

Cassiopeia: "By the way, what is the plan, General?"

Taric/Swain: "It's a secret."

Cassiopeia: "You only say that when LeBlanc is involved."

Taric/Swain: "I forbid you to mention that two-timing trickster."

Katarina: "Hah! Dumped you again, did she? Serves you right. That is: serves you right, Sir."

Taric/Swain: "No matter, this is not about my feelings. You'll be happy to know that there is an important part in this for you, my dear."

Katarina: "Cool! Do I get to kill somebody and make it look like an accident?"

Taric/Swain: "I'm afraid not. You're going to impersonate a certain redhead and turn the head of a royal."

Katarina: "No way. I'm not being Annie again. Last time I was molested by…"

Taric/Swain: "No, this time you will be Miss Sarah Fortune."

Katarina: "Awesome. I always wanted to try out her big guns!"

Draven: "Too much information."

Taric/Swain: "The details of our little plot can follow later, after I have consulted with General Darius. I hereby declare the formal part of the secret meeting finished."

Cassiopeia: "About time."

Darius: "Look what I've brought! Who wants a sampling of some of Morgana's latest sinful strudel?"

All but Swain: "I do! I do!"

Taric/Swain: "I'll pass. I have to look after my figure."

[Act I Scene Seven]

Maxim's office—Andrei, Gotfrid, Maxim

Gotfrid: "Great news, boss. We've managed to isolate the cause of the malfunction, which should point us in the right direction. Now it is only a matter of time before we locate the lost champions."

Maxim: "As in, a matter of hours?"

Gotfrid: "Unlikely. We will have to scry quite a bit of territory. I'd say, maybe 3-4 days."

Maxim: "In that case, I am sending your assistant and the Jarvan doppelganger back to Demacia for the visit of state."

Gotfrid: "Good. I don't need him here."

Andrei: "Hey, thanks a lot for the bloody vote of confidence."

Maxim: "You've been doing a good job on this special assignment, so think of Demacia as a reward."

Andrei: "Blow me. Demacia."

Maxim: "What was that, Assistant?"

Andrei: "I said, "Show me Demacia!" I can't wait to see the jewel of Valoran."

Maxim: "Good. We will give you an increase in salary and also a generous expense allowance, in case you need to bribe a few palace officials. When you get back, there is a bonus, if you helped the doppelganger avoid diplomatic disaster. Bon voyage."

Andrei: "Dog's bollocks. I hope the Demacian birds are cute."

Gotfrid: "Good luck finding any action. You know what they say: Demacia is so proper, even the prostitutes are still virgins."

Andrei: "Sod off."

[End of Act I]