Frozen

氷

"You're so close, Kanna. Don't give up now."

I opened weary eyes to meet Hama's. The best healer in our tribe, my best friend, and the only one who knew my secret. She'd stuck by my side through the entirety of my labor, and wiped away more tears than I could count. Some were mine. Some, her own.

The next tortuous contraction struck and I continued to push, the agony drowning out all. All except my troubled thoughts.

Will it have eyes of calming sapphire blue or wicked golden amber? Olive skin or a pale peach? Will it look like me... or him?

When it passed, I rested, trying to catch my breath for the inevitable next wave. Hama dabbed a wet cloth to my forehead, her other hand clasping mine. The rest the tribe's healers looked on in worried anticipation, and I understood why.

Every man of childbearing age in the tribe was either married or betrothed... none of them to me. Yet I was pregnant. They assumed one of their husbands had cheated, but they hadn't. I didn't bother to correct their suspicions. The paternity of this child was a mystery I never wanted revealed.

When the next excruciating spasm hit, the women and their husbands were forgotten as I gritted my teeth and bore down.

Blackest soot mix with virgin snow. Cries of mercy mix with screams of pain. My own pleas mix with his malicious laughter.

White-hot pain sliced between my thighs as a head stretched me more than I thought physically possible. "Out. Need it out, now. Please."

But Hama instructed me not to push and to pant instead. It didn't help, not when I was being torn in two. The wail within the ice walls of the healing hut mirrored perfectly the one from that day.

Whether I liked it or not, this baby would soon be a part of this war-torn world. A world without its father. Spirits... could I even do this? Alone?

After the longest minute of my life, Hama at last gave the go ahead to push once more. I bore down with determination. This was it. In just a few moments, I would be a mother.

Iron fists bruise my face. Hot hands burn my hips. Brutal thrusts tear into my core. My soul.

I felt her hands prodding inflamed flesh, then, "The head is out. One more push, Kanna."

I strained with every ounce of strength I had left, both eager and frightened to meet the person I'd carried for so long. With a shriek of relief, the unbearable pressure faded as my child slid into existence.

"It's a boy!" Hama shouted as she pulled the fluid out of my son's lungs with her bending.

I flopped back to the pillow. A son. I had a son.

Then, I heard him for the first time. So fragile a body, so small, yet his cry was so strong. A warrior's cry. It was the most beautiful sound I'd ever heard and I immediately burst into tears.

Hama cleaned and swaddled him, and brought him to me, placing him on my bosom. He quieted, as if already knowing me, and opened his eyes to look straight into my own.

Blue. His eyes were blue, but now that he was here with me, it didn't matter what color they were.

I smiled down at him, tears streaking my face. Regardless of how he was conceived, I'd love him forever.

"Happy birthday, Hakoda."

氷

Thirty-five years later...

"You're sure you have to go? It's never too late to change your mind," I asked my son.

He turned from the knapsack he'd been packing, his blue eyes hinting at the sadness he carried deep. The tip of an lonely iceberg. A burden he'd carry forever.

"The raids need to be stopped. I've waited far too long to leave as it is. Now that the kids are old enough, it's time."

Charcoal ashes among the powder. Metal monsters rip through ice and snow. More screams. More blood. My worst nightmare, reborn. The cruelest version of deja vu.

"It doesn't matter. They're still going to miss you as much as they would have six years ago."

He closed his eyes over tears I'd caused, but I didn't regret them. His children needed him. I needed him. And he needed us. Going away to fight his demons couldn't fix his broken heart. Only his family could do that.

"I know. Here, take this." From the side pocket of his pack, he pulled out all that was left the commitment he'd made long ago. A commitment unmercifully torn to shreds in one afternoon. Kya's betrothal necklace.

Her body lies in a pool of frozen crimson, her necklace torn from her throat. It sits next to her, useless, while Hakoda weeps over her lifeless shell. Their children clutch my legs. Katara asks through her tears, "Is Mommy going to wake up?"

Hakoda held out the trinket. It was just ribbon and stone. Nothing valuable, but worth everything. "If they ever question my leaving, this will serve as a reminder as to why it was so important. Make sure they never forget."

I took the necklace, knowing I'd never forget either. "I promise."

My own tears spilled over and he put his arms around me, trying to soothe the unsootheable. My son was leaving us. Leaving me. What was I going to do without him? "Spirits, I'm going to miss you."

"And I'll miss you, all of you. I wish I didn't have to do this but..." Voice choking, he pulled away. "Take care of the kids."

I didn't want to let him go, but somehow, I did. Unable to say anything but, "Stay safe."

"I will. I love you, Mom."

I watched as my son walked away, leaving me alone in his hut. The same hut his wife was killed in.

Those vile hands take flesh again, this time, killing it. Those same tawny eyes gaze upon his prey, then at me. We're both older, but I know who he is. I could never forget. Recognition spark in those amber depths, and I wonder if he knows. But then... he's gone, leaving me in pain once again.

As I watched the Water Tribe cutters sail away later that day, I thought about the irony of it all. My son was leaving to slaughter his own father. A father I'd never told him about. Now it could be too late.

I shed one final tear for them both. Its warmth dripped down my cheek, falling free only to land upon the ground and turn to ice.

Frozen forever.

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