"THANK YOU, HEAVENLY'S RELAPSE (PART II)" • SEASON 7 • EPISODES 7 & 8
SCENE 1
The Patterson Mansion
Spokane, Washington
"Stay Wide Awake (Segment #11)"
The "Stay Wide Awake" instrumental plays briefly over an exterior shot of the mansion of billionaire Vladimir Patterson at night. Cut to the main five kids in the Patterson dining room dressed in fancy clothes.
RK: You know, I still have no idea why...
RK rolls up the sleeve of his shirt to reveal the rest of his dialogue written on his arm.
RK: ...billionaire Vladimir Patterson invited us all to his secluded mansion in Spokane.
RK rolls his sleeve back down.
RK: Did I say it right?
DIRECTOR: Yup.
RK: Alright, it took nine takes but I did it.
SPARKY: Maybe he brought us here because he's going to give us something special.
JAYLYNN: Like diamonds or rubies or faucets that spew out gold water.
WADE: I'm with RK. Doesn't it seem weird that of all the people Vladimir knows, and all the people that live in Seattle, we were the only ones chosen to come here?
BUSTER: Maybe he just really likes our personality.
WADE: No, I don't think that's it.
BUSTER: So, what, you're saying I have a shitty personality?
At that point, Vladimir walks into the room with his assistant Cornelius.
VLADIMIR: Great, you all made it. Now I'm going to have no problem finding the best of the best.
SPARKY: What are you talking about?
VLADIMIR: Well, the only reason you're attending this dinner party is because of my unprecedented offer. I want to find out who among you five has the killer's instinct. The last kid standing earns $5,000,000.
RK: Last kid standing? You want us to murder each other over money?!
JAYLYNN: Are you sick?!
VLADIMIR: No, I'm bored. Look, if human nature dictates that people will go to great lengths to achieve instant gratification, then so be it. And through my research of every person in Washington state, you five seem to have the most tight-knit bond I've ever seen. So, it's simple. I have money to piss away, and you have nothing to lose.
Vladimir leaves the room, but Cornelius stays behind.
CORNELIUS: You need to get out now. This can only end badly.
VLADIMIR: CORNELIUS!
CORNELIUS: Approaching your presence, sir.
Cornelius leaves and the kids give each other looks of confusion.
SCENE 2
The Patterson Mansion
Interior Boys' Bedroom
Seattle, Washington
The boys are talking to each other about the challenge Vladimir threw down.
SPARKY: I just can't believe Vladimir would put us in this position. Killing each other over money?!
WADE: I know, it's absolutely abhorrent. Even though it is five million dollars.
BUSTER: I still don't understand why no one fed us.
WADE: Wait. You're right, why did no one ever serve us dinner?
RK: Guys, he's just trying to con us. That's why Cornelius gave us the warning to leave.
SPARKY: Well, it's not like we can. It's going to be pouring all night and we still have to catch a bus back home without getting struck by lightning.
RK: Let's just go to sleep and figure out a plan tomorrow morning.
Sparky turns out the lights and goes to sleep, along with the other boys.
SCENE 3
The Patterson Mansion
Interior Boys' Bedroom
Seattle, Washington
At 2:24 AM, RK is sleeping when he feels something on his arm. He wakes up and sees Jaylynn attempting to kill RK by slicing his arm off with a knife. He starts screaming which makes Jaylynn scream, then Sparky turns on the lights after hearing them screaming, and screams at the sight of Jaylynn, along with Buster and Wade.
RK: WHAT THE HELL IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?!
JAYLYNN: Why did you wake up? You weren't supposed to wake up!
RK: Oh, so me being knocked out was part of your master plan?!
SPARKY: Jaylynn, why do you have that knife?!
JAYLYNN: I was gonna kill RK, make Vladimir think you all died and then split the prize money with you guys.
RK: WHY KILL ME?!
JAYLYNN: Because you're the most irritating, and I figured you were planning to kill one of us so I had to take care of you before anything could happen.
RK: I wasn't planning shit! Until now!
JAYLYNN: I knew it.
RK pulls his gun out and shoots Jaylynn in the arm.
JAYLYNN: GAH! You jackass!
RK: And you. All of you boys were in on it. I knew somebody would try and kill me one day, but I didn't think it would be my friends!
SPARKY: We weren't in on anything. You're just being paranoid.
RK: I'm being paranoid?! JAYLYNN WAS ABOUT TO CUT MY ARM OFF!
JAYLYNN: Why are you screaming like it's a slug? It's only the hawk.
RK: Don't reference shit like you're about that life. I'm outta here. But just know that everybody here is a suspect. And I'm watching all of you.
RK leaves the room at that point with his gun.
SCENE 4
The Patterson Mansion
Interior Boys Bedroom
Seattle, Washington
The other kids are coming up with a plan. At this point, Jaylynn's arm is wrapped in bandages.
SPARKY: Okay, now that RK's on a mission to kill us, we need a plan.
BUSTER: How do we know we can trust Jaylynn?
JAYLYNN: I'm right here!
BUSTER: Wait, you could hear that?
JAYLYNN: I got shot, I'm not deaf. And what do you think I'm gonna do to you?
BUSTER: You still have the knife. We can't have you on our team.
JAYLYNN: Buster, I'm not going to kill you or anyone else in this room.
BUSTER: Okay, we're good.
SCENE 5
(The "Stay Wide Awake" instrumental plays in the background)
The four kids leave the room and look for RK in the hallway. Jaylynn is still holding her knife for protection. The kids momentarily stop and do not see RK dive from the ceiling. He lands on Sparky and narrowly avoids Jaylynn's attempt to stab him by rolling out of the way. RK tries to shoot Jaylynn and Buster, but misses both times. Buster tackles RK to the ground and the two wrestle for the gun. The boys roll around the floor and eventually crash down the stairs. From the looks of it, RK is dead while Buster avoided a tragic landing.
BUSTER: We did it! We killed him!
WADE: Okay, now that that's over...
At that point, Jaylynn stabs Wade in the gut, along with Sparky.
BUSTER: NOOOOOOOO!
JAYLYNN: What? For all I know, you guys could have been running your own scheme.
"Stay Wide Awake" plays again as Buster runs upstairs in an attempt to confront Jaylynn. Jaylynn challenges him by running downstairs, and Buster tries to save himself by tossing RK's body in front of her. Buster grabs the knife in the confusion and runs towards Jaylynn, but he ends up getting shot in the head.
JAYLYNN: YES! THE MONEY'S MINE!
RK miraculously emerges from behind, overpowers a shocked Jaylynn for the gun and shoots her to death. He smiles, but then gasps as Vladimir shoots him to death.
VLADIMIR: The things street urchins will do for money .
CORNELIUS: You're disgusting, sir.
VLADIMIR: Duly noted.
SCENE 6
iCarly Elementary School
Seattle, Washington
"Old Time's Sake (Segment #12)"
The "Old Time's Sake" instrumental plays briefly in the background as the camera shows an exterior afternoon shot of the school. Cut to inside the school where the kids are near their lockers planning for Halloween.
SPARKY: Alright, so I'm going to need to know what everyone's going as by Friday.
BUSTER: Don't worry about me, buddy. I'm going to be Black Panther. *imitating Killmonger* Is this your king?!
RK: Um, Buster, Killmonger says that, not the Black Panther.
BUSTER: Does it matter? It's still the same movie.
At that point, Sanna and Ashley walk by.
SANNA: Hey guys. What are you doing for Halloween?
WADE: We're going trick-or-treating. It's our first one with Jaylynn.
JAYLYNN: I'm going as a big white sock.
SANNA: Oh, cool. A friend of mine's hosting a Halloween party and me and Ashley have an invite.
RK: What, are you challenging us? We're picking up free candy, what's wrong with that?
SANNA: Oh, nothing. It's just that trick-or-treating is so lame now. I don't care about it anymore.
ASHLEY: Don't listen to Sanna, guys. Do whatever you want.
SANNA: Did I say they can't go trick-or-treating?
ASHLEY: No, but obviously, they can see you looking down on them for doing it.
SANNA: Who asked you?
ASHLEY: I asked myself, how about that?
SANNA: Well, you need to stop assuming you know me when you don't know me.
ASHLEY: I know you better than you know yourself, you bum.
SANNA: Oh, really?
ASHLEY: Yeah, really.
SANNA: Oh, really now?!
At that point, the kids look at each other with bored expressions and leave.
ASHLEY: You're such a child.
SANNA: That's because I am a child. And you are too, you big lame.
ASHLEY: Stop being mean to me.
SANNA: I'll be mean to you if I wanna, sis.
SCENE 7
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Later that day, the kids are watching TV.
SPARKY: Guys, do you think Sanna was right about trick-or-treating?
JAYLYNN: Sanna hates everything. Who cares?
SPARKY: Yeah, but maybe she's right. I mean, we've been trick-or-treating for a long time and maybe we've just outgrown it.
WADE: We've gone to Halloween parties before. There's nothing wrong with a little balance.
RK: Wade's right. Sparky, you can't let Sanna play with your head. That's why kids grow up too fast. They start thinking normal kid stuff sucks. Then they get into drugs, start stealing cars, and before you know it, they're smoking crack and eating Pop Rocks off a grill outside Dunkin Donuts.
SPARKY: Buster, I'm really sorry you have to live with this every day.
BUSTER: I'm not. I love how his mind works.
JAYLYNN: Look, whatever's not the cool thing to do, people are going to shit on it. That's just the way the world works. I've been waiting months to go trick-or-treating with you guys, and I'm not getting that taken away from me by some spoiled, upper-class princess!
SPARKY: You know what? You guys are right. In fact, in order to make an even bigger statement, why don't we go trick-or-treating the old-school way?
WADE: You mean, dress up like famous people that defined the particular year?
SPARKY: Exactly. We're going to take it all the way back.
JAYLYNN: That sounds awesomesauce, but I already paid for the sock costume and I can't return it.
RK: Were you high when you came up with that idea?
JAYLYNN: Yeah, and whatever drugs you take every day, I already gave them back so shut up.
SCENE 8
Seattle, Washington
("Old Time's Sake" plays over the noise of the streets on Halloween night and the kids walking around. Sparky is dressed as A.J. Styles with a replica WWE Championship belt, Buster is dressed as Aretha Franklin, RK is dressed as Pickle Rick, Jaylynn is dressed as a big white sock, and Wade is dressed as Black Panther.)
JAYLYNN: Man, this city really comes alive on Halloween.
SPARKY: Buster, I don't get it. Why didn't you just wear your Black Panther costume?
BUSTER: I was going to, but then Wade tried it on and he looked way better in it than I did. Then I thought, "Aretha" and the rest was history.
RK: I can't get over how stupid you look, Jaylynn.
JAYLYNN: I could say the same for you. Besides, Pickle Rick was popular last year, dummy. You didn't even get your own concept right!
RK: It overlapped into this year, you jackass! It's not like I decided to be a big bottle of Szechuan sauce!
WADE: It will never truly feel like it did back then, no matter how much we try.
The kids pass by a dark alley near an apartment building.
TALKING DUMPSTER: Pssst. Buster? Come here, Buster!
BUSTER: Wait, is that...the Talking Dumpster?
SPARKY: Buster, what's going on?
BUSTER: I think the Talking Dumpster called me over to the alley.
RK: Dude, don't fall for that. Let your guard down and it's just some creep trying to touch you in your no-no place.
Wade and Jaylynn give RK annoyed looks.
RK: What? It happened to KG when he was nine!
BUSTER: Don't worry about me. I can handle this guy.
Buster walks into the alley and stands across from the Talking Dumpster.
BUSTER: Um, hey, Talking Dumpster. Aren't you supposed to be dead?
TALKING DUMPSTER: I was rebuilt by people who care about me. I need you to come closer.
BUSTER: Okay?
Buster walks a bit closer.
TALKING DUMPSTER: Yeah, that will do.
Out of nowhere, large mechanical hands emerge from the Talking Dumpster to shake Buster, who starts screaming.
TALKING DUMPSTER: You little bitch! How could you shoot me?! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE MY FRIEND!
BUSTER: LORD, SAVE ME! GET ME AN ADULT!
RK shoots one of the Dumpster's arms, which releases Buster, but the bullet hole instantly heals.
RK: Okay, not gonna lie, that was some slick shit right there.
SPARKY: What do you want with my best friend, you stupid science experiment?!
TALKING DUMPSTER: I used to spend my days giving Buster advice, until he shot and killed me! Now, I'm back, and I'm not leaving Buster alone until I get what I want from him!
JAYLYNN: What the f*** is going on here? How can that dumpster talk?!
BUSTER: I got this. So, Talking Dumpster, some girl at school said trick-or-treating was lame. Do you think it's time for us to stop doing it?
TALKING DUMPSTER: Look, Buster, even though you're growing up, you have to remember that some things are sacred. Nothing is more important than a dad's relationship with his son. So you need to decide what matters to you: Going to see the Mariners with your pops, or going to the movies with some girl you'll never see again.
BUSTER: Thank you for the advice, Talking Dumpster. That was very insightful, I'm shaking.
TALKING DUMPSTER: That's all I ever wanted to hear.
Beat.
JAYLYNN: Was this f*** shit supposed to be funny?
BUSTER: At one point, yeah.
SCENE 9
The Jennings Household
Seattle, Washington
"Must Be the Ganja (Segment #13)"
The "Must Be the Ganja" instrumental plays briefly in the background as the camera shows an exterior afternoon shot of RK's house. Cut to inside the house where KG and Rodney are watching TV.
RODNEY: KG, are you sure it was a good idea to have Trevor pick up the weed?
KG: Probably not, but he was the only one who wanted to get it. Were you going to pick it up?
RODNEY: No, I like sitting here on the couch.
KG: Well, there you go.
At that point, Trevor walks in with Zig Zag rolling papers and a large bag of orange weed.
TREVOR: Alright, guys, you ready to smoke some pot?
KG: Trevor, what the hell is that? We ordered Alabama bluegrass.
TREVOR: And that's what I picked up. But as I was walking home, this other dealer came up to me and offered me this Halloween weed in a trade.
RODNEY: Halloween weed?!
TREVOR: Yeah, he said it had the same taste, smell, and punglaxity of Halloween candy.
RODNEY: Dude, punglaxity isn't even a word.
TREVOR: When you're a drug dealer, you need to have a big vocabulary.
KG: You idiot, how much sense does it take to follow simple instructions?
TREVOR: KG, the guy was wearing a ripped up leather jacket and smelled like tobacco. Of course, I'm going to trust him. Besides, were you going to pick up the weed?
KG: No, I like sitting here on the couch.
TREVOR: Well, there you go.
SCENE 10
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
The boys have started smoking the Halloween weed and a cloud of smoke appears over the room while the boys are sitting on the floor near the front door with orange eyes.
KG: Trevor, I'm sorry, man, this weed is...thi-this weed is...this weed is weed, man.
TREVOR: Thank you. One day, you boys are gonna respect my ideas. And if you don't, I'll beat you.
RODNEY: Hey, you guys, I heard this song the other day by these hip hop rappers. They were talking about smoking one blunt in a group, but they would take two pulls and pass it around. How come we never do that shit?
KG: Because, man, that shit is for broke boys who ain't got no money.
TREVOR: Yeah, Ricky. We have white privilege, we don't need to do that shit.
RODNEY: My name isn't Rodney, it's Ricky. Mr. Rick if you're nasty.
TREVOR: What?
RODNEY: What?
TREVOR: Denise is hot.
KG: What?
TREVOR: Dude, no offense, I didn't want to say this, but Denise is the hottest girl in school. If I was that kind of man, IF I WAS THAT KIND OF MAN...I would make out with her.
KG: You what?! You slept with my girl?! MAN, I'LL KILL YOU! I'LL BREAK YOUR FACE AND MAKE YOU LOOK LIKE THE MICHAEL JACKSON JACKETS...WITH ALL THEM ZIPPERS!
KG grabs Trevor in an attempt to choke him, but Rodney pulls them apart.
RODNEY: K, easy, K, easy. Look at me, man. Look at me when I'm looking at you, boy. Are you looking at me?
KG: Duh.
RODNEY: Alright, well, you see that face? You see Trevor's face? That face could be doing shit with Calvin Klein. You want to hurt your friend's chances at a national ad campaign over a chick?!
KG: No. No, I'm sorry, Trev. I don't want to hurt your chances. I can't...I can't get rid of your good looks.
TREVOR: Word to, God. That's some real spit, word to mother. You know, I would never kiss Denise. Ever. She's gross, man. I like 'em...I like 'em real thick and gooey, you know what I mean?
Beat.
KG: Are you saying my girl doesn't have a fat ass?
SCENE 11
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Later on, KG is talking to Rodney.
KG: Rod? Rodney? Uncle Ricky?
RODNEY: What is it, son?
KG: I think Trevor's trying to kill me.
RODNEY: What? That's prepost...prepopa...that's crazy, my man.
KG: No, it makes sense. The wrong weed, him talking about Denise. He wants to kill me...so he can have Denise all to himself.
RODNEY: You're crazy for this one, K. Trevor's a bitch, he won't do anything.
TREVOR: HEY! Why are you guys talking about me like I'm not here? Wait, am I not here? Oh no, I'm not here!
KG: Spill the beans, Trevor. You're trying to kill me and get with Denise. I see it in your eyes, all two of them.
TREVOR: What? Are you high, white man?
KG: Yeah.
TREVOR: Well, I am too, and there's no way I can kill you.
KG: Really? Oh yeah, right. You're soft, man, you could never kill me.
TREVOR: Oh?
KG: Yeah, you don't have the balls to do it. I dare you, I challenge you to give me the goods!
TREVOR: Oh yeah? Well, man, if I couldn't kill you, how come I can make serial killers show up with my mind?
KG: Wait, what? No. Don't do it!
Through KG's point of view, famous serial killers such as Jack the Ripper, Ted Bundy, Jeffrey Dahmer, and the Son of Sam appear by Trevor's side, encouraging him to kill KG as if the two were in a boxing match.
TED BUNDY: Knock him out, champ! One round!
TREVOR: Teddy said knock you out!
KG: NO, HE DIDN'T, YOU BITCH!
KG screams as he and Trevor run towards each other and start wrestling on the floor while making incomprehensible grumbling noises. Rodney scratches his head and snaps his fingers.
RODNEY: I WANT IN!
Rodney jumps on the two boys and pretty soon, the fight becomes a three-way full of wrestling and grumbling. At that point, RK walks in with groceries.
RK: Hey KG, Buster and I got some DiGiorno's today.
RK realizes what he sees in front of him and sighs.
RK: Buster, get back in the car. He's high again.
RK closes the door and the three-way fight continues.
SCENE 12
The Saltalamacchia Household
Seattle, Washington
"Déjà Vu (Segment #14)"
The "Déjà Vu" instrumental plays briefly in the background as the camera shows an exterior afternoon shot of Wade's house. Cut to inside Wade's bedroom where he, RK, and Buster are standing in front of the time machine.
BUSTER: I can't believe we're about to go back in time to the greatest Halloween ever.
RK: We have to, man. That night turned us from boys to men. It's too bad Sparky couldn't be there for it.
BUSTER: Yeah, but didn't he have really aggressive diarrhea?
RK: No, it was a throat infection.
BUSTER: It could have always been both.
WADE: Alright, I put the coordinates in. Let's get into it.
RK and Buster follow Wade into the machine, and when he turns it on, they are transported to a previous Halloween.
WADE: Alright, we're back!
RK: Wait a minute, Wade. If we're going to relive this Halloween, aren't we messing with the timeline?
WADE: I don't think that's gonna be a problem.
Cut to the boys from the past walking by a dark alley.
FUTURE BUSTER: Hey guys, you want your picture taken?
PAST RK: It's a pedophile, keep it moving.
FUTURE WADE: Oh, you're taking this picture.
The past Buster, RK, and Wade get pulled into the alley by the future Buster, RK, and Wade. An unseen fight ensues which causes several cats to run away from the alley. By the end of the fight, future Buster, RK, and Wade are wearing their past Halloween costumes.
RK: Alright, let's go have some candy.
SCENE 13
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
The boys are going through their massive pile of candy.
WADE: Enough candy to last a whole three months, guys.
RK: You know what? Why do we have to go back?
WADE: What do you mean?
RK: Well, we have a lot to be proud of with this memory. Why don't we just stay here one more day?
WADE: Wait, are you serious?
RK: Yeah, why not? Another day means another chance for candy, which means we can stay.
BUSTER: He's right. Why go back where everything's shit instead of staying here and enjoying ourselves a little more?
WADE: Well, we did assault our past selves and steal their identities. That might do something to the timeline.
RK: What exactly? We replaced us with us.
Beat.
WADE: Alright, we can stay a bit longer.
SCENE 14
("Déjà Vu" plays in the background)
The boys have decided to stay in the past and continue reliving the greatest Halloween ever, with Wade altering the time flow to put him, RK, and Buster in a loop. Every day, they wake up, make plans with Sparky, watch a football game between the Dallas Cowboys and Tampa Bay Buccaneers, and then go trick-or-treating. For the first couple days, the boys are having fun and enjoying the large amount of candy. However, as time goes on, they start to get bored and become miserable. At one point, RK's left eye begins to twitch when he sees the Cowboys and Buccaneers play. At night, the boys aren't even touching their candy anymore.
WADE: Guys, what did we do? We effectively sabotaged the greatest Halloween ever.
RK: I'm starting to think this whole thing is my fault.
BUSTER: You're starting to?!
WADE: Hey, Buster, easy. We have an obvious solution to the problem. All we have to do is just go back to the future and be done with it.
RK: Yeah, yeah, I like that idea.
BUSTER: You said something very insightful there.
Wade tries to work his time travel remote, but none of the buttons do anything.
WADE: Well, this is peculiar.
BUSTER: Don't worry, you just need fresh batteries. I'll go to Walgreens and pick them up.
WADE: No, Buster, I don't think this is a battery problem. I think we're stuck in a loop.
BUSTER: A loop?
RK: Wade, how come we still haven't left this world of hell yet?
WADE: Because when we went back in time and decided to stay here, we created a situation where the day continues to be Halloween. But now, the time flow's disrupted, and we're in an endless cycle of the same day.
RK: No, no, no! This can't happen, Wade. If I hear one more time about the damn Cowboys and Buccaneers, I'm going to scream.
Cut to the next day, where the boys are watching TV.
BUSTER: I don't know what to watch.
SPARKY: We'll watch the game. It's the Cowboys and Buccaneers.
RK screams and runs out of the room.
SCENE 15
Buster, RK, and Wade are walking around the neighborhood in their costumes again.
RK: Guys, I'm starting to think that we have no choice. We need to kill ourselves.
WADE: Did they put something in the candy you ate?
RK: Look, there's no other way. If we go out on our own terms, we break the loop and we never have to worry about be...
At that point, the three boys are assaulted in the dark alley. The past versions of the boys leave the alley in their original costumes. Cut to RK waking up at lunch and screaming while the other kids look at him with shock.
WADE: Dude, are you okay?
RK: No. You know that idea you had to go back in time to the greatest Halloween ever?
WADE: Yeah?
RK: Let's not do that...ever.
SCENE 16
Karen Horney Elementary School
Seattle, Washington
"Beautiful (Segment #15)"
The opening line of "Beautiful," from the sampled hook of "Reaching Out" by Queen and Paul Rodgers, plays in the background as the camera shows an exterior afternoon shot of the school. Cut to inside the school where Adriana and Anna are at their lockers.
ADRIANA: I really hope we both got invited to Cole's Halloween party.
ANNA: Are you kidding? Of course we did. Cole's had his eye on you for months.
ADRIANA: Like I care about that. He knows my heart belongs to Wade.
ANNA: Well, there's only one way to find out if we're going. Ready?
ADRIANA: Ready.
Adriana and Anna open their lockers at the same time. Adriana finds a gold envelope on top of her books.
ADRIANA: It's gold and it has Cole's name on it. Yes, I'm going!
ANNA: Well, it doesn't look like I am.
ADRIANA: What? You can't find your invitation?
ANNA: No, because I never got an invitation.
ADRIANA: There's obviously a mistake. Maybe your invite got lost in the mail.
ANNA: How could it get lost in the mail when he stuffed them all in our lockers?
ADRIANA: Because it's an extra special invitation?
ANNA: Just forget it. I guess I'm not cool enough to come.
ADRIANA: You're crazy, Anna, you're the coolest person I know. Cole probably forgot to give you an invite.
ANNA: Yeah, sure. I'm going to class. See you at lunch.
Anna leaves her locker and Adriana looks down on her invite.
ADRIANA: I'll get to the bottom of this, Anna! I'm not afraid to kick a boy's ass for you!
SCENE 17
The Revia Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Later that day, Anna is talking to RK about what happened at school.
RK: Wait, so you're not doing anything for Halloween?
ANNA: No. And why should I? Halloween is just an excuse for kids to eat more candy than they usually do.
RK: Anna, you need to overcome this. Cole is just...Cole. He's a punk. A whiny, bratty, disgusting little punk bitch with bad taste.
ANNA: You don't know Cole at all.
RK: He made you feel like crap. I don't have to know him. Just because you didn't get invited, doesn't mean you're not cool.
ANNA: Yeah, right. I should've seen this coming. Adriana's always been cooler than me. The popular one, the funny one, the pretty one. I'm just the average one.
RK: But you're not average. You're ahead of your time. You're so ahead of your time, your parents haven't met yet. You can do everything Adriana can do and more. Just because one idiot doesn't see how great you are, doesn't mean that's all you'll ever be.
ANNA: Thanks RK. You always know how to make me feel better.
RK: Hey, I'll do whatever it takes to cheer up my heart and soul. Now, where does this Cole guy live? I think it's time for a good old-fashioned man-to-man. And then a beating to catch him off guard.
ANNA: No, you can't do that! If you go after him, people will think I sent you and I'll be even more uncool.
RK: Yeah, you're right. I just hate seeing you like this. How come the world can't look at you through my eyes?
ANNA: Because...people suck?
RK: It's true, but it doesn't make it any less painful.
SCENE 18
The Revia Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
On Halloween night, Anna is inside eating candy and wearing an orange bathrobe when she gets a text. She looks at her phone and gets a confused expression.
ANNA: Huh? "Anna, I know you said you didn't care if I went to Cole's party, but it wasn't the same without you so I left early. Don't let him get to you. You're strong, you take action when you feel something isn't right, and you don't pretend to be anything that you're not. God gave you some beautiful shoes that always fit you, so wear them with pride and remember in my eyes, you're the coolest person in the world."
Anna begins crying and starts to call Adriana.
ANNA: Adi, I got your text. That was so sweet. Wait, you're coming over to spend the night? That's awesome, I'll go change.
Anna leaves the couch and runs upstairs to go change.
SCENE 19
Karen Horney Elementary School
Interior Lunchroom
Seattle, Washington
The next day, Adriana and Anna are eating lunch together.
ADRIANA: So how are you feeling now?
ANNA: A lot better. When Cole didn't give me an invitation, I felt like shit, like there was something wrong with me. But thanks to you and RK, I don't have to worry about it anymore. He did me a favor not inviting me.
ADRIANA: So how are we going to get revenge on Cole?
ANNA: Adriana, please. We are mature, sophisticated girls. We don't have to come up with some lame prank just to make me feel better.
ADRIANA: I'm proud of you, Anna. That's what I like about you. You're always taking the high road.
ANNA: Yup, especially when I already set up a prank.
ADRIANA: You did?! What is it?!
Cut to Cole opening up his bag lunch and finding a bunch of worms inside.
COLE: AAH! THERE'S WORMS ALL OVER MY LUNCH!
Cole runs in fear and screams as he leaves the cafeteria.
ANNA: Don't ask me how, I just have skills.
Adriana and Anna high-five each other and laugh.
SCENE 20
Clay's Household
Seattle, Washington
"Elevator (Segment #16)"
The instrumental to "Elevator" begins playing over an exterior afternoon shot of an unidentified house. Cut to Jaylynn and Anja crawling through an open window on the side of the house and seeing a gold elevator in the living room. The elevator opens and an old man pushes both of them down. Cut to the girls pacing around in a basement.
*to the tune of the hook for "Elevator"* JAYLYNN AND ANJA: There once was a story of a man named Clay/He had a plan to get his way/He used to charm kids who were curious to see his place/And kept the window open for 'em to play/Any kids, he would have them, we just laughed at 'em/How could that happen to us? We couldn't fathom/Fast forward to a couple bad moves later/Now the old man's got us through his gold elevator.
JAYLYNN: Anja, this is crazy, man! We're down here forever!
ANJA: Please, Anja's going to let this man win? Never!
JAYLYNN: Why the hell you spitting rhymes in the third person?
ANJA: To make the story dope, now could you cool it with the cursing? We need to find a way to leave this old man's basement.
JAYLYNN: We're never getting out, I think it's time for us to face it. I've never had a first date or got to raise babies!
Anja slaps Jaylynn and begins shaking her.
ANJA: Calm down, time to be a strong freaking lady!
JAYLYNN: I'm gonna beat up Clay and have his ass thrown in jail! Get the key melted down, take away his chance for bail!
ANJA: Stop! No need for any criminal offense! That's nonsense, when it comes to that, I'm on the fence!
JAYLYNN: Well, we have to do something. The elevator's broken.
ANJA: Plus, the door's locked and the window's no longer open.
JAYLYNN: The boys don't even know I'm here, now our problem's bigger!
ANJA: If we don't make it out alive, Lynne will have no sister!
JAYLYNN: Relax, it will teach her how to make it on her own.
ANJA: I love you, but it's time for me to snatch the microphone! Now, what to do, what to do? That guy's gonna kill us!
JAYLYNN: When we're younger and we're smarter and our rhymes are the illest?
ANJA: What's your point, Jay?
JAYLYNN: We're going to live another day! Once that door opens up, we're going to give the beats to Clay!
ANJA: I like your style.
JAYLYNN: And I like yours, let's be honest! The two of us together, it's like a warrior and an artist.
The basement door begins to open up, and Clay reveals himself.
CLAY: Now, it's time for me to claim two more victims!
ANJA: You'll never get a hold of us!
JAYLYNN: Anja, let's sick 'em!
At that point, the turntables are heard scratching "Anja, let's sick 'em!" over and over as the girls go after Clay and kick him down the stairs. Unsure if Clay's dead, Jaylynn takes his gun, runs downstairs, and shoots him multiple times.
JAYLYNN: I shot him to his death!
ANJA: He won't breathe another breath, now that Clay's deep inside the grave, tell me, what's left?
JAYLYNN: We get the hell up out of here!
ANJA: And never look back?
JAYLYNN: That's right!
JAYLYNN AND ANJA: Bring the hook back, we're finished with our rap!
Jaylynn and Anja high five each other, run out of the basement, lock the door, and leave the house while performing the hook again. Anja hands Jaylynn a book of matches, Jaylynn strikes one, and it ends up causing Clay's house to catch on fire, presumably burning his corpse in the basement.
*singing* JAYLYNN AND ANJA: There once was a story of a man named Clay/He had a plan to get his way/He used to charm kids who were curious to see his place/And left the window open for 'em to play/Any kids, he would have them, we just laughed at 'em/How could that happen to us? We couldn't fathom/Now we're much wiser, our brains much greater/So kids, stay away from the gold elevator.
ANJA: Peace!
JAYLYNN: No, no, dude, you just ruined it.
ANJA: Sorry.
Cut to black.
SCENE 21
The Network Headquarters
Interior Steve Berman's Office
Los Angeles, California
"Steve Berman (Segment #17)"
OCTOBER 26, 2018 - 1:30 P.M. PST
Steve Berman is watching a rerun of "12 Angry Kids" on his laptop when his phone starts ringing.
STEVE BERMAN: Hello?
RECEPTIONIST: I have the kids from Thank You, Heavenly here to see you.
STEVE BERMAN: About f***ing time. Send them in.
Steve hangs up and pauses the episode. The kids walk in at that point and they are visibly nervous.
RK: Hey Steve. Long time, no see.
STEVE BERMAN: Why is it you that always has to talk? Can't one of these other kids do it?
SPARKY: We just wanted to know how you've been.
STEVE BERMAN: I'm okay. You know, despite the fact that your new season started airing a month ago, and nobody from your crew's even tried to contact me until now. Do you know how that makes me feel? Having to put out your product and nobody cares enough to talk to me about it?
*under her breath* JAYLYNN: Maybe if you weren't creative poison.
STEVE BERMAN: What was that?
JAYLYNN: Yeah, I said it. Creative poison.
SPARKY: Anyway, we're sorry nobody consulted you, but we're just the actors. You would have to talk to the producers or the writers or something.
Beat.
STEVE BERMAN: Why the f*** are you still here?
WADE: Well, our Halloween episode is coming out this Sunday. We just got the final cut of it and we wanted to see what you thought of it.
STEVE BERMAN: Do I really need to watch this? Let me guess, another episode where RK and Wade go on some stupid sci-fi adventure that makes absolutely no sense. Or maybe one where Jaylynn has a crush on her best friend. What else? Buster says something stupid, Sparky rambles about his dead grandfather, and then you throw in a pointless Cimorelli reference just to piss people off. Is that it? Am I in the ballpark now?
RK: It's nothing like that. We're doing stories based off Eminem's Relapse album.
STEVE BERMAN: Of course. When you run out of ideas and you've been on the air longer than anyone can stand you, the next best thing is to copy the work of someone with much more talent than you.
BUSTER: Hey, that's a cheap shot. It's not like we're parodying Revival.
STEVE BERMAN: And you want to talk to me about cheap shots. Look, just give me the cut and I'll email the producers my notes. Bunch of spoiled kids who got famous off bootleg Family Guy episodes.
SPARKY: But the show's not even like that anymore.
STEVE BERMAN: Yeah, sure, be a puppet for the creative hacks that control you. Just give me the damn episode and get out of my sight.
WADE: Alright, alright, here, it's not that serious.
Wade gives Steve two tapes, one containing part one of "Thank You, Heavenly's Relapse" and the other containing part two.
STEVE BERMAN: What's going on here? Two episodes?!
JAYLYNN: Yes, you idiot, it's a one-hour special. We've been doing two Halloween episodes for a while now, are you new?
STEVE BERMAN: Just get the f*** out of my office.
SPARKY: Alright, sorry to bother you.
BUSTER: Now I know why we never come to his Christmas parties.
The kids leave the office and close the door. Jaylynn reopens the door and deliberately smashes one of Steve's snowglobes on the floor.
SCENE 22
iCarly Elementary School
Seattle, Washington
"Underground (Segment #18)"
The "Underground" instrumental plays briefly over an exterior afternoon shot of the school. Cut to inside the school where the kids are eating lunch.
SPARKY: Well, tonight's the night, guys.
RK: Tonight's the night? What are you talking about? Why am I always the last person to know about things? I hate my life.
JAYLYNN: He's talking about the Underground Monster.
RK: The Underground Monster? Yeah, and later on, I'm playing mini golf with the Incredible Hulk.
WADE: It's true. You see, RK, every five thousand years, legend has it that a mysterious creature known as the Underground Monster emerges and destroys whatever comes in contact with it.
RK: Are you guys just playing around with me?
BUSTER: No, it's true. The rumors are that the monster is going to be spotted at Ken Griffey, Jr. Park tonight.
RK: Oh yeah, because there's nothing more bulletproof than rumors.
JAYLYNN: You're probably just upset because you know you couldn't catch it in action.
WADE: And we're off.
RK: You don't think I can see a mythical creature that nobody has ever actually seen? Is that what you think?
JAYLYNN: Yeah, that's why I said it. You need to start listening to what I have to say more.
RK: You know what? I take that as a challenge.
WADE: It's already heating up here in Seattle.
RK: Tonight, I'm going to go to the park and catch the Underground Monster with my own eyes. And when it doesn't come, you guys have to admit that it's just some stupid schoolyard story.
SPARKY: But if it does come, you're gonna die! You'll be putting your life at risk, man.
RK: I'm not afraid of a challenge. Especially when Jaylynn throws it down.
JAYLYNN: Ugh, you're so obsessed with me.
BUSTER: Can I come with you, RK? I want to see the Underground Monster myself.
RK: Sure. And if you don't see it, at least you'll know that it was all a lie.
BUSTER: I could have used that mindset when my parents told me that Santa was killed in a botched robbery.
Beat.
WADE: Who would have gotten robbed in that scenario?
SCENE 23
Ken Griffey, Jr. Park
Seattle, Washington
At night, RK and Buster are walking through the park, guarding themselves for a possible sighting with the Unnderground Monster. Buster is wearing a hat with a camera strapped to it.
RK: Did you really have to wear that camera?
BUSTER: Of course. The first person to get a picture of the Underground Monster will become a celebrity. They'll have millions of dollars guaranteed to them with just one shot.
RK: Trust me, if this monster is real, he won't be very photogenic. He'll see your camera, crush it into tiny itty bitty pieces and treat your head like a shuttlecock.
BUSTER: So you're coming around, huh?
RK: I said if. I don't get why people have to make up stories like this. It's just a waste of time.
BUSTER: I don't think it's that serious. I mean, look at how many people believe in Bigfoot.
RK: Yeah, and 90% of them are mentally ill living in their parents' basement trying to wipe up the Dorito residue from their mouth.
BUSTER: I love cool ranch Doritos, but I feel like I'm the only one.
RK gives Buster an annoyed expression.
BUSTER: What? You made me hungry. If we remembered to pack snacks, we wouldn't have this problem.
SCENE 24
Ken Griffey, Jr. Park
Seattle, Washington
1:45 A.M. PST
RK and Buster look visibly tired after no sightings of the underground monster.
BUSTER: I was going to make a fortune.
RK: Don't worry, Buster, there's always going to be another get-rich-quick scheme. Meanwhile, I'm going to hit the bathroom and take my W like a humble champion.
BUSTER: Alright. I'll wait for you in the car.
RK goes to the bathroom. Cut to RK flushing the toilet chuckling to himself.
RK: Underground Monster.
"Underground" begins playing as the monster jumps out of the toilet and begins strangling RK.
RK: Wait until I wash my hands! WAIT UNTIL I WASH MY HANDS!
Cut to a bored RK washing and drying his hands while the Underground Monster watches him. The song momentarily stops.
RK: Okay, time to rumble!
"Underground" begins playing again. The monster kicks down the door to the bathroom stall and begins assaulting RK with it. His superhuman strength allows him to toss RK headfirst into the bathroom mirror, then spin him around and throw him into the bathroom door. RK screams and starts running towards the car, while Buster looks on with confusion.
RK: THE MONSTER'S REAL! HE'S GOING TO KILL ME!
BUSTER: Shit! Get in!
RK tries to open the car door, but the monster grabs him by the back of his neck and tosses him on the ground.
BUSTER: Leave him alone!
Buster leaves the car and kicks the Underground Monster in his face, but the monster begins attacking Buster as well. At this point, the monster is able to take down RK and Buster with ease. Buster tries to grab the monster, but he gets hit with a headbutt which takes him out for the time being. RK shoots the monster twice with his gun, but he immediately recovers and leaves RK frozen in shock. The monster pounds the ground, which causes a vibration and creates a massive, gaping hole in the middle of the park. Buster is on one side knocked out while RK tries to muster up some more offense, but gets slammed onto the ground instead. RK is then hit with a bicycle kick right in his temple. A now-unconscious RK is tossed through the hole and the monster, seeing that Buster is coming to, hits him with a bicycle kick as well. Buster is also tossed through the hole, and the monster jumps down the hole while laughing. Magically, the ground is restored at that moment.
SCENE 25
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
The next morning, Sparky, Wade, and Jaylynn are at their lockers.
SPARKY: Guys, this is getting scary. I haven't heard from Buster or RK at all today.
WADE: It's probably nothing.
JAYLYNN: Yeah, I'm sure they're going to turn up.
Cut to inside the underground lair, where the monster is forcing a now-lobotomized Buster and RK to work for him and assemble T-shirts in a factory. The monster is laughing as he counts his large wad of cash and the "Underground" instrumental plays in the background. Fade to black.
("Crack a Bottle" by Eminem featuring Dr. Dre and 50 Cent plays over the end credits)
POST-CREDITS GAG
(The "Careful What You Wish For" instrumental plays in the background)
On a rainy night in Seattle, a black car drives through the streets. Lisa Bennett, the antagonist from "The Simpsons Movie: Thank You, Heavenly Edition" is shown in the backseat eyeing the houses. She sees Sparky's house up ahead.
LISA: Right there.
DRIVER: This the place?
LISA: Yeah. Thanks.
DRIVER: Any time.
Lisa gets out of the car and looks at Sparky's house with rage.
LISA: I told you I was coming back for you, Sparky.
Lisa pulls out a switchblade and begins walking towards the house, but at that moment, she gets run over by an incoming car. A drunk Bitch Clock gets out of the car and stumbles around the yard holding a bottle of vodka.
*to the tune of "Drug Ballad" by Eminem* BITCH CLOCK: In third grade, all I used to do/Was sniff glue and eat crack through a Rubix cube/Many years after that, I'm as rude as Jude/Either somewhere in the lobby 'cause I'm rude as Jude.
Bitch Clock tosses his bottle at a tree and it breaks upon impact, then he collapses on the ground. Cut to Bitch Clock waking up in his bed, revealing the incident to be another dream sequence.
BITCH CLOCK: Who the hell was that?
Cut to black.
©2018 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS
HAPPY HALLOWEEN