Disclaimer: As I said before I don't own any of the characters listed here…(aside from The Writer™)
The Writer™- when last we saw the fateful crew of FMA, Hawkeye had just collapsed in a shock-induced seizure Ed acquired himself a girlfriend (sort of) and Mustang was filling out paperwork (?)
Mustang- What's with the question mark, are you implying I'm not a hard worker?
The Writer™- Who's implying?
Ed- He has a point, Colonel.
Mustang- You know, Fullmetal, I could somehow lose my papers before I take this up with command… you don't need a court martial now do you?
Hawkeye- Uuugh… My head hurts… where am I? I had this horrible dream…
Mustang- The one about having sex with Fullmetal and being forced into some sort of odd relationship with him to cover it up?
Hawkeye- Yeah that one--!?
Ed- how did you know it was a cover-up?
Mustang- I'm not stupid, Fullmetal.
Ed- Then why are you filling out the papers!?
Mustang- Because, Edward, you two just look so cute together.
Hawkeye- B-Bastard horrible veins pulsate on her forehead.
The Writer™- As much fun as this all is, I've decided to keep some semblance of reality after all. Sooooo… GET BACK TO WORK YOU SLACKERS!
Hughes- Am I gonna have a part in this?
The Writer™- Since this follows no real timeline…yes?
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1st Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye awakened in a desk chair. As her eyes focused she could make out the faces of Breda, Feury, Havoc, and Falman, staring down at her. Sitting up, she was greeted with, "So your finally awake, lieutenant." Mustang continued, "I understand you and Fullmetal are going out now, is that correct?" At this everyone stared at Hawkeye, who was tightly clinched.
"W-Whatever do you mean, colonel?" she barely managed to say. His reply was a swift and concise, " Well that's what these papers say at least." Everyone's stare had suddenly grown deeper and more shocked. Havoc was the first to speak up with, "Way to go, Ed! I didn't think ya had it in ya!" Then Breda stepped in. "Ok guys pay up…" he said, to which everyone proceeded to hand him wads of cash. "Hey just what's going on here!?" Hawkeye exclaimed. Havoc answered, "We all took a bet to see who would end up winning your heart… If it's any consolation I voted you staying single for the rest of your life." Everyone then proceeded to state their bets.
"I said colonel Mustang…" Feury explained.
"Someone none of us know…" Falman said.
"…And I voted for the underdog, whomever I thought was least likely." Breda finished.
'I don't believe this… they were already betting on me when nothing had even happened yet…' Hawkeye thought, mentally strangling each one of them, including Ed for bringing this fate upon her. "Why, lieutenant, you don't look very good, could I speak with you alone for a moment?" Mustang cut in, ending the previous conversation.
As they all filed out of the room, Riza caught one of them saying 'hi' to Ed in the hall. "Fullmetal… when I get my hands on you…" she mumbled. "Easy now, isn't it just a bit early for those kinds of activities…? But seriously, you understand that by doing this Edward has saved your career, don't you?" the Flame alchemist explained in a calm low voice.
"My career, sir?" she questioned.
"Think about it Hawkeye. If word had gotten out in any other way, without these papers, you both would've been court martialled. I think you owe Fullmetal a lot for this. You of course understand he'll probably catch hell from Al and that automail mechanic." Roy continued. "And besides all of that… he might be just what you need in a man!" he finished with a high note in his tone. "Now! Go see your new boyfriend, he's probably stressing over this as much as you by now!" he said with a large grin, "and tell him, he owes me one."
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"Brother, how could you?! Don't you know how Winry feels?" Alphonse Elric scolded. "Give it a rest Al, how was I supposed to know this would happen? I mean it's not like I get drunk often!" the older Elric argued.
"Edward…" Riza Hawkeye interrupted, "I—Thank you… Alphonse, it's because of this… that I still have a job in the military… I—Fullmetal, I owe you one… If there's anything you need…"
"Brother… I had no idea." Al apologized. "Don't worry about it Al. Riza, this may sound weird, but we'll have to keep up appearances anyway so… Why don't we try to make this work?" the alchemist was either incredibly sly, incredibly horny, or some mixture of the two. That aside, the answer came a moment later.
With a tinge of red on her cheeks she replied, "A-Alright…" And regaining her composure continued, "I will do my utmost to accommodate you as your officially sanctioned life-partner, sir!" Both Ed and Al couldn't help but sweatdrop at the sudden outburst. Ed was very uncertain as to what exactly she meant, but somehow he didn't expect it was what he meant.
Before any off-comments could be made none other than Major Alex Louis Armstrong burst through the door saying, "Edward I just heard!! I think it's wonderful that you two have found such a lovely situation! Just look at my muscles pulsate with ecstacy!" Somehow his military shirt and jacket dissolved into a void (possibly inside the gate of alchemy) and purple sparkles showered everyone. "This calls for a celebration! Don't you worry one bit, I'll make all the preparations!" and with that he was gone, muscles, mustache, sparkles, and all.
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And so, 3 hours and several glasses of spiked punch later they all sat enduring some kareoke from colonel Mustang.
"Nooooooooow, there is a fire in me
A fire that buuuurns
This fire is outta control, I'm gonna burn this city- burn this city
This fire is outta control, I'm gonna burn this city burn this city
This fire is outta control, I'm gonna burn this city burn this city
This fire is outta control, I'm gonna burn it- I'll burn it- I'll burn it- I'll- I'll- I'll burn it down!" he sang(quite badly, he was very drunk).
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The Writer™ and so it just doesn't seem to end this torment they all endure…
Mustang: I'm a good singer thank you very much! is drunk
Al: Brother, I think my ears are bleeding! is as drunk as a can of condensed soul can be
Ed: Al, you don't have ears, but mine are bleeding for both of us… is not drunk enough to enjoy bad kareoke
Hawkeye: It'sssss not that badddd is very, very drunk
Armstrong: I'm too sexy for my shirt, to sexy for my shirt so sexy it hurts is drunk and grotesquely muscular
Envy: I'm a model, you know what I mean and I do my little turn on the catwalk feels left out
Winry: Edward is just lucky he saved her career, otherwise he wouldn't be leaving this party alive… (not that he'll be very thankful to be alive when I'm done) is pissed off royally
Kimblee: Well at least he doesn't have half a clown growing out of his groin… is not joking
The Writer™: Hey it was your choice to try flaunting your masculinity with a maniacal The Writer™ trying to do something. Besides you heard it yourself no one was impressed…
Winry: yeah my smallest screwdriver was bigger…
Lust: Even I'm turned off…
The Writer™: and that's saying something… anyway—
Envy: Anyway be sure to review and watch out for Part 3.
The Writer™: There you got to say something… happy now?
Envy: Yes…
The Writer™: Don't forget, REVIEW! (or I'll give you all clown-crotch!)