Jane

My mind had gone completely blank. I imagined my expression revealed much of the same. I couldn't move let alone speak. I just stared blank eyed and scatter brained at my...my John? I could not have heard what I thought I did, it just couldn't be true. This woman this, this educated, immaculate, incredibly beautiful woman sitting across from me at this eloquent rooftop garden table just could not be a John. I felt like I'd been kicked in the face. Carmelite said nothing about my...my 'date' being a woman. I didn't even know that kind of thing was possible! I mean really, who ever heard of such a thing?

"Excuse me?" I asked softly.

I didn't have much breath to speak above a whisper, despite the fact that I was breathing deeply and by heart was beating so quickly.

Maura only smiled, she seemed a little nervous herself now when I looked at her closely. Maura began wringing her hands and her eyes looked a little panicked despite their beauty.

"Please don't call me your John, the term isn't very endearing." The woman tried to smile casually, no doubt trying to get me to relax.

I must have looked like I'd been hit by a bus because that's how I felt. I'd just poured my heart and soul out to someone I thought was a complete stranger, someone I thought would be unbiased and nonjudgemental, someone I thought I'd never see again. Now to find out that all the while I'd been spilling my deepest darkest secrets to a woman who wanted to pay to have sex with me made me feel sick. I actually thought I might literally vomit all over the table.

"You...you mean you're here to...to fuck me?" I asked incredulously.

The reality of it all was just to much, I found motion in my limbs again and polished off my drink gasping for air when I'd drained the glass. I slammed the empty glass on the table breathing heavily.

Maura looked like I'd said something to hurt her. There was a pained frown on her face that I knew she was trying to control but wasn't being very successful. Her jaw worked furiously trying to find the right words to say. There were no right freaking words though, there were no words for this unless they were curse words of the vilest nature. I felt myself growing more and more angry by the second. I was overwhelmed with a sudden urge to get up and run, run like hell far and fast, as fast as my skinny little legs would go.

"I...please don't say it like that Emily, it's not that simple, I'm not whatever it is you're thinking that I am." Maura pleaded.

I let out a choked scoffing laugh.

"Let me tell me what I think you are just so we're on the same damn page for fucking once." I spat at Maura.

I could feel my rage taking over me. I could feel my hands begin to tremble and my face flush with anger.

"In fact, I don't even know what the hell to say to you. What is this...what's going on? Do you get off luring pathetic needy women to open up with all your sweet words and friendly smiles only to turn around and drop a bombshell like this? How does this work? What's supposed to happen now? Did you think I would just overlook the fact that you lied to me, practically seduced me into thinking you were something else and just let you fuck me like this shit never happened? Is this some kind of power thing for you...do you feel like a big man now? Am I supposed to fall into you with fluttering eyes and open legs because you tricked me into thinking you actually gave a damn about my sad ass life. Am I supposed to think you're my savior or something? What was all that bullshit about 'finding my strength' and 'children are a blessing', and 'character is built on this and that and what not'? What the fuck was that? Did you think we were going to make sweet passionate love after everything I revealed to you and I'd thank you for it? This is bullshit, this isn't how this is supposed to be!" I said angrily glaring daggers at Maura.

I was feeling more and more disgusted by the minute. When I walked into the hotel bar I'd expected a lot of things. I knew why I was there and what I was willing to do, what I had to do to save my child. But none of my preconceived notions included anything like this. They certainly hadn't included having to sleep with a woman, and I certainly hadn't expected to be hoodwinked like a goddamn idiot. This whole thing was insane.

Maura was silent for a few moments. She wasn't looking at me anymore, she was staring at her hands in front of her. Her eyes were closed and her face looked hurt and troubled. I had no sympathy for her though, I hadn't said anything that wasn't true. Slowly Maura brought her eyes back to mine, she looked very sad for some reason.

"I didn't lie to you..." She started but I immediately cut her off.

"...Yes the fuck you DID!" I screamed at her jabbing a stiff pointed finger right at her face.

Thank goodness there were no other people around to hear me lose control of myself. I had a lot more yelling to do and I was glad at least that I could do it in private.

"How Emily? How did I lie to you?" Maura's voice was desperate and pleading. Her face reflected much of the same.

I just couldn't believe the audacity of the woman. How dare she try and pretend she wasn't in the wrong here.

"You said you sat next to me because you thought I looked like the most interesting person in the room. What a goddamn crock of bullshit! You never introduced yourself for what you really are, you never said anything when I said I was here to meet a date, knowing I was referring to you. You let me think I'd been stood up. You let me think you were just being friendly and kind by talking to me. You tricked me with all your chivalry and sweet words making me think you were a nice person or something. You made me open up to you, you made me tell you everything about myself. All those things I told you...I've never told anybody that stuff before...not like I did with you..." my voice trailed off.

I covered my mouth with a shaky hand closing my eyes tightly against the reality of what I'd revealed of myself to this woman, to my John. I wanted to cry all over again.

"Emily, you were the most interesting person in that room, I didn't want to introduce myself immediately as your...'date' because I just wanted to talk for a while. Believe it or not I don't sleep with women on the first 'date'. I like to get to know them a little bit before..." Maura's own voice trailed off.

She sighed heavily closing her eyes and shaking her head.

"I rarely ever...ever sleep with my 'dates'. I told you I only wanted company and I wasn't lying. And I didn't force you to reveal anything about yourself that you didn't want to. You opened up to me freely and I listened because it seemed you really needed someone to talk too. All the things I said about strength and character and love...Emily all those thing are absolutely true. If nothing else please, please don't discredit that. I was only trying to help you and comfort you. I was honored that you were so open and honest with me. You made me feel...you made me feel...you made me feel normal! Like I had something to offer other than just money or random textbook facts. I'm sorry if I hurt you or misled you. I would have told you the truth sooner but...I was just so engrossed in you. When I first walked into the bar I noticed you immediately. You...you took my breath away. You are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen and I actually felt...I felt honored to be the one sitting next to you." Maura lowered her desperate eyes and started twirling her thumbs around one another.

"I liked that you opened up to me, I liked that you let me hold you while you cried, I liked the look on your face when we stepped out of the elevator and you saw the gardens. I just wanted to go on all night just talking to you. You amaze me Emily, you're not like anyone I've ever met." Maura finished the last bit in a whisper.

I didn't know what the hell to think. Was this just another ruse of hers?

"So what now...I'm supposed to just roll over under a few compliments you throw my way and forget how fucked up you are and how pissed I am? I know I'm a whore, but there are still rules. Firstly there's honesty and you weren't honest with me. You knew what I was yet you chose not to reveal yourself for what you were, luring me into a false sense of security. And what the hell are you doing buying whores anyway?" I asked with an angry huff.

Maura looked up and smiled painfully at me.

"I...this might sound sad but, I don't have any friends. I suffer from social anxiety and I'm oddly awkward around people unless it's about work or business. Most people find me annoying or strange or bossy and avoid me. It's been that way my whole life. When I come to New York I just...I want to feel something different. Paying people to pretend to be interested in me sort of makes me feel...normal. Even though I know it isn't real." Maura lowered her eyes again. She did indeed look very sad.

I was irritated to find I felt sorry for her a little bit. She did look rather small and pathetic in that moment. It was a far cry from the woman I thought she was before. I no longer felt tiny next to her, now I just felt weird.

"I find that hard to believe. Who wouldn't want to be your friend? You were so open and kind to me, why aren't you like that with everyone? You shouldn't have to pay for...for company that's just crazy!" I asked perplexed by Maura's revelation of herself.

Maura didn't speak for a moment. She was trying to find the right words again. I waited patiently for her to speak.

"I...I try to open up to people but, it just never works. I can never find the words. Actually...actually living people scare me most of the time. I'm always second guessing myself, always self conscious, always worried about saying the wrong thing or afraid of what people say of me behind my back. I...I had a rough childhood, I never made friends in my youth and I've never grown out of it. I live alone and always have, I work mostly with the dead and no one speaks to me at work unless they absolutely have to. I...I live a lonely life Emily." Maura said. Her eyes were heavy with grief.

I rolled my eyes in spite of myself.

"This...this is not what happens on this kind of a 'date' Maura. Whores and Johns don't sit around a dinner table and just...talk and stuff about their deepest darkest secrets. I'm paid for a very specific service. I provide that service, take my money and go the fuck home. This...this is just not how this was supposed to go." I sighed heavily looking at my empty drink glass. God I wished there was liquor in there.

Maura looked at me now incredulously.

"You are providing me a service, the service of your company." Maura insisted.

I rolled my eyes again.

"My John's are not supposed to know anything personal about me. Not even my real name!" I exclaimed incredulously.

Why the hell could this woman not understand that this situation was completely inappropriate.

"Emily isn't your real name?" Maura asked me like I'd just blown her freaking mind.

I spit curses through gritted teeth. This woman just could not be this clueless.

"Really?" I spat at her,"...Fucking REALLY? You act like your a goddamn virgin or something. Do you really think all those other whores you've fucked gave you their real names? This...this is crazy!" I almost laughed as I rubbed my temples with my fingers.

"I...I won't tell anyone about anything you told me. I won't betray your confidence Emily and I won't use it against you either. I'm not a monster." Maura pleaded with me. "I really, honestly, and truly just came here to meet you and talk to you. Carmelite said you'd be perfect for me when she showed me your picture. She said it was your first time and that you weren't the average girl. She said you were just my type and...she was right Emily. Carmelite knows my habits, she knows I don't sleep with most of her girls and never on the first date. She set you up with me because she really likes you and she knew you had all the right things to offer me...things that aren't just...sex!" Maura sighed deeply and finished off her own drink.

I could not believe what I was hearing.

"You're telling me you're going to pay me to listen to my freaking sob stories all night and that's it?" I grunted in sarcastic disbelief.

Maura's face changed into something that looked like mild irritation.

"Would you rather come back to my room and let me have my way with you?" She asked in a level tone rippled with something like contempt.

The nerve of this woman blew my mind. I shook my head at her in bewildered disbelief.

"I just gotta get the hell outta here, Carmelite will never hire me again thanks a lot for ruining my last option for me. You...you enjoy your evening Maura," I said gathering my purse and standing to leave.

"Wait...wait please Emily wait..." Maura said standing and moving to block my way.

I growled in frustration.

"Maura...move!" I commanded.

"NO!" She shot back in an equally commanding tone.

I was actually taken back a bit. I didn't know this woman was capable of yelling, she seemed so poised and mannerly. But the fire in her eyes belied an anger I didn't know she had in her. I stopped dead in my tracks, to shocked to move or speak.

Maura took a moment to compose herself. She sighed closing her eyes bringing her hands up to her lips in a praying manner. I knew she was trying to bat down the angry flames inside of her. I saw the muscles in her face work hard to control her expression, her lips trembled slightly with the effort. Finally with a painfully level and determined voice she spoke.

"Emily, I will pay you for the evening. Just...please don't go...not like this. I'd like to buy you dinner, and I'd like to see you again before I leave for Boston. I truly do just want your company tonight, and I promise, I promise I won't make you feel like I lied to you or mislead you ever again. You can ask me anything you like and I promise I'll tell you anything you want to know. Just please...please don't go. I feel horrible about...about how I've made you feel. It was never, ever my intention to hurt you."

Maura opened her eyes and looked at me. Her eyes were wide with sincerity, she did not look like a creepy weirdo John that wanted to break me down and fuck me at my lowest. I sighed heavily, why did she have to be so pretty? Why did I actually have to kind of like her? Why was she fighting so hard to get me to stay? Why did I have to need the money so damn bad?

We stood there for many long moments just staring into each others eyes. I was desperately searching for truth in her words. Maura,I could tell, was desperately hoping I would conceded to her wishes. I started to speak but I was cut short by the sudden appearance of a waiter approaching us along the winding stone pathway. He was a middle-aged balding man in a sharp tuxedo and shiny black dress shoes. He walked with the straight back and certain steps of a man who's been in the service of wealthy people for a very long time. He walked right up next to us and bowed his head slightly at both Maura and I.

"Dr. Isles, may I be of service to you this evening," the man asked in a clipped prim tone laced with some kind of accent.

I don't know why I found that to be funny, but I turned my head and tried to hide the giggles from escaping my mouth. It seemed Maura had a lot of people in her...'service'.

Maura hesitated for a moment, I think she noticed me trying not to giggle.

"Emily, would you like another drink?" Maura asked me timidly.

I turned back to the two of them and smiled as pleasantly as I could. I had a child to support, and if Maura wanted to pay me just to feed and water me then well...hell yeah!

"Yes please," I said as politely as I could in front of the waiter.

The man bowed his head at each of us again, took our empty glasses and walked away again up the winding path without another word.

Maura and I were left standing there alone. We were both fidgeting awkwardly and not making eye contact with each other. It was kinda weird.

"Would you like to have a seat?" Maura asked me softly.

I noticed she was staring down at her feet. She really was awkward I noticed.

"Sure," I said pleasantly.

Maura looked up at me and smiled. Her whole face lit up and her eyes sparkled. My breath caught in my throat a little bit, God she was beautiful.

I moved toward my chair and Maura moved swiftly behind me scooting me in again when I sat down. I smiled to myself. She was very sweet I had to admit, even if she was weird.

Maura sat opposite me again and smiled warmly. We didn't speak for a while, I stared at everything but her and she...I could tell...never took her eyes from me.

"Is there anything you'd like to know about me?" Maura asked after a while.

I looked back at her, cocking my head and thinking.

"How many whores have you had sex with?" I asked right off the top.

I felt no shame in asking the question, Maura did say she'd tell me anything I wanted to know about her and that's what I wanted to know most. Besides, I don't care how uncomfortable it made her...I deserved to ask whatever I wanted damn it.

Maura didn't flinch at the question. She just studied me briefly, her hazel eyes glowing in the candle light.

"I don't actually think of the women I associate with as...as 'whores'," She said frankly.

I rolled my eyes again.

"Let's not dance around the truth. I am what I am and I chose this path knowing full well what was expected of me. There is only one word for a woman that sells her body and that's 'whore'!" I emphasized the word dramatically. "Now answer my question," I demanded sharply.

"Do you really want to know?" She asked me nonchalantly.

"Yes!" I said without missing a beat.

"Only two," Maura said casually.

I rolled my eyes again. Carmelite already told me she was a regular, I didn't believe Maura had only slept with two of Carmelite's girls for a second.

"You lie," I accused.

"No...I don't lie...not out right." Maura said unconcerned with my accusing tone.

"I know you're a regular at the agency...you expect me to believe you've only slept with two of the girls?"

"You don't have to believe me if you choose not too...but I am being honest with you. I've only slept with two of the women. One was only a one time thing, and one I saw for years." Maura said smiling at me pleasantly.

"Why don't you sleep with more of the girls?"

"Because I'm not sexually attracted to them." Maura stated matter of factly.

I cocked my head to the side giving her my most disbelieving look. Maura smiled widely.

"You don't believe that either I take it!" She chuckled more to herself than to me.

"Why weren't you attracted to them?" I pushed.

"Most were just to silly, or to wrapped up in playing some pretend role they thought would turn me on. I hate that. Some...some were far to desperate to become my regular, some were far to unintelligent. I look for truth, intelligence, genuine character, a woman with her own sense of self not just some girl playing a part. I...I look for women like you!" Maura said smiling at me.

I was thrown off a little. That might have been the sweetest compliment anyone had ever given me...and it was coming from a 'John'. I didn't speak for a few moments, I just stared at Maura my eyes blinking dumbly, my mind trying to process what she'd actually said. This woman was...she was like no one I'd ever met. She was my John but she was so, so much more than that. Maura just might have actually been the sweet, kind, precious person I thought she was when I poured my heart out to her.

"Do you want to...to sleep with me?" I asked timidly staring down at my silverware.

I could see Maura's smile widen above my eye lids.

"Maybe at some point...but not tonight." she said casually.

The waiter returned with our drinks before I could respond. He nodded his head toward me and spoke a few words in a foreign language to Maura. Maura smiled and answered him in the same language. He bowed his head to her, turned on his heels and walked away.

"What was that?" I asked curiously.

"That's Paul, he's worked for my family for years. He was asking if I wanted to order on menu or place a special order." Maura said sipping her drink.

I was struck dumb for a moment...again.

"I thought he worked for the hotel dinning lounge!" I blurted out before I could stop myself.

Maura's eyes crinkled warmly over the rim of her glass.

"My family owns this hotel, actually...I own this hotel and several other real estate properties around New York. That's what brings me here for business so often." Maura said setting down her glass and leaning back comfortably.

I was flabberghasted...again.

"You...y-y-you own this hotel?" I asked in a breathy stunned voice.

I suddenly felt very small again, despite knowing I was sitting across from my John. Apparently my 'John' was far more out of my league that I originally thought before I even knew she was my 'John'. I began brushing the wrinkles from my dress again. I had no business sitting with this woman, in her garden on top of her hotel being serviced by her employees. This was getting weirder and weirder by the moment.

"Are you uncomfortable with that fact?" Maura asked me tilting her head a little as she studied me.

"I just, that guy called you Doctor. I thought you were a Doctor!" I exclaimed.

In truth I certainly was uncomfortable. I hadn't anticipated this, I hadn't anticipated anything that had gone down so far this evening. I thought about my tiny little loft apartment with it's leaky ceiling and rusty pipes. I thought about my empty bank account and the bus pass in my purse. I thought about my little baby and the dish soap I'd bathed her in last night. I thought about the fact that I was a whore, no matter the fact that Maura claimed she only wanted to talk, I was still a whore. I looked down at my cheap Pay Less shoes and my second hand dress and felt my body shrivel up into itself. I wrapped my arms around my body unconsciously trying to hide my inadequacy from this titan of a woman. How long before she realized she didn't want me, that I was just a worthless desperate working girl with no class and no prospects for the future beside a life of hardship and struggle? I thought a lot of things that made me sad.

Maura must have noticed the change in my demeanor because I caught her smiling at me across the table almost...almost tenderly.

"In truth I am a doctor, I'm a pathologist actually. The chief medical examiner for the greater Commonwealth of Massachusetts. I have people to run the day to day affairs of my other business interest, but I'm still the majority share holder. I come here for board meetings and to oversee things from time to time. Please don't be uncomfortable, I'm really not that pretentious." Maura giggled a little at my obvious squirminess.

"I, I don't know what to say you're just so...so accomplished and classy and I'm just...I'm nothing." I said sadly lowering my eyes to my lap.

"Don't be silly Emily, you're far...very very far from nothing." Maura tried to assure me confidently.

I only squirmed harder.

"Why do you want me here again? You have everything, you could have anyone you wanted!" I exclaimed.

I knew my eyes were bright with excitement and disbelief.

"I've told you already. I don't get along well with people. I might own this hotel and others but people still think I'm strange and boring and weird. Most are extremely intimidated by me anyway and don't approach me at all. The rest just want something from me. You, you are none of those things." Maura said grinning at me.

"In truth, no one has spoken to me the way you have tonight in my entire life." She chuckled.

"What do you mean?" I asked frowning at her little revelation.

"No one challenges me, no one questions me, and no one ever raises their voice to me. Mostly people avoid me all together unless their asking for money or information. You...you are fearless! You are a breath of fresh air."

I laughed nervously.

"Well then in that case it's my pleasure to scream at you," I joked sarcastically.

Maura actually laughed. It was a pretty light-hearted laugh.

"I'm glad I amuse you too," I added giggling a little bit myself.

"This is the most fun I've had in ages," Maura said leaning over and looking at me more closely. God she was beautiful.

"What time do I need to get you home?" Maura asked.

I hesitated for a moment.

"Oh...I can just take the bus or something, you don't have to cart me around." I said uncomfortably again.

"Don't be silly, you're my date, I'll see you home safely. I don't want you roaming the streets of New York late at night! There are bad guys out there just waiting to swallow up a beauty like you!" Maura said sweetly showing me all her pretty white teeth in an ear to ear grin.

I melted a little bit inside. She really was very kind. I hated being out in the streets at night alone. I wondered if Maura was like this on all her...her 'dates'.

"Ummm, I told my baby sitter one a.m. at the latest. But she's my neighbors kid, she'll just sleep on the bed until I get back. My baby's a good girl, she sleeps through the night." I said smiling as I thought of my child.

I imagined she was fast asleep now, comforted by pleasant dreams I hoped. I sighed lightly when I thought of how I'd be able to buy her all the things she needed tomorrow. I was going to take care of her, I was going to be a good mom, finally...finally. I fought back my tears of joy and relief. I was overwhelmed with emotions. I was going to get to feed my baby without ever having to spread my legs, at least not tonight. I smiled, it was the most light-hearted smile I'd worn on my face in years.

"Good, we have some time," Maura said pleasantly "What would you like for dinner?"

"Ummm, don't I get a menu or something?" I asked peevishly.

I'd never dined at a place like this. I was a cheese burger or pasta kind of a girl. I suddenly felt self-conscious again. Maura noticed immediately and put an immediate stop to it.

"Emily, please relax!" She pleaded with me, her eyes were earnest and sincere. I smiled in spite of myself. "Order whatever you like to eat, the kitchen will make whatever you want."

I frowned a little, "I can order anything...anything off the top of my head?"

Maura laughed.

"Yes ma'am," she smiled.

I decided to be devious, "I want...I want alligator!" I blurted out giggling at my own sillyness. I'd always wanted to try alligator.

"How would you like it prepared?" Maura grinned chuckling along with me.

"Are you serious?" I asked perplexed that Maura hadn't immediately said my request was impossible.

"I don't lie remember," Maura winked at me.

My felt my grin expand across the whole of my face. Was this really happening? Was I really about to fulfill a life long dream of eating a dish I never thought I would? We were in New York for Christ sake. There weren't any freaking alligators around these parts.

"Fried, I want it fried, with lemon and tartar sauce on the side...oh and french fries...I love french fries...oh and calamari...I love calamari!" I gushed.

I hadn't eaten a decent meal in ages. My stomach roared and rumbled as my mind conjured up visions of all the yummy things I loved but couldn't afford. Besides that the alcohol was getting to me and I needed to eat...like a lot, I needed to eat a lot.

Maura's smile was all amusement, almost maternal, yet still warm and inviting.

"How about something green to go along with all your junk food sweetheart." she teased, but she was kind about it.

I scrunched up my face in disgust.

"Yuck...I hate veggies," I cracked.

Maura laughed out loud.

"How do you stay so very thin?" she asked me curiously.

I smiled.

"I'm naturally thin, I was blessed I guess. It's a good thing cause I eat like an animal." I joked along with Maura.

Maura's eyes were warm and full of amusement.

The waiter brought me everything I asked for. Actually it was more like five waiters that hustled up to us with heavy trays loaded mostly with the goodies I had ordered and various extra sides to compliment my entrees. They bustled around the tabled laying a fresh cloth napkin in my lap and clearing away unnecessary dishes to make room for my treats. The chef himself even came up to explain every dish and what was in it. He even called me Lady Emily like I was some simpering girly girl. I giggled and grinned at him tasting everything he'd made as he mentioned it. I complimented him graciously and with much excitement as his delicious food melted in my mouth. He seemed beside himself at all my compliments. The chef's chest stuck out further and further each time I moaned and groaned in pleasure with a mouthful of his delicious dishes. The Chef and all the waiters were all so kind and polite and complimented me for everything under the sun from my exquisite taste in food to my attire and my pretty face.

I was all excitement and amusement. I felt like a little princess being fawned over and catered to like I never thought I would. All the while Maura only smiled at me and seemed to enjoy how excited I was. She laughed along with her staff at all my silly jokes and even teased me once or twice for my overzealous nature. I only frowned at her and hurled back teases of my own that were met with pleasant chuckles all around. After the waiters left I stared at the plates in front of me wide-eyed and flabbergasted. It was all so good and was piping hot, fresh, and just for me.

Maura ate her salad as she watched me tear into everything in front of me. It was all so delicious. I'd never tasted anything so good in my life, except maybe my mother's cooking. I didn't think about that though, I was enjoying myself to much to be brought down by things I'd never experience again.

Maura and I made pleasant conversation throughout the entire meal, I asked more about her life and she answered me easily without hesitation. I learned so many things about her. She went to boarding school in Europe her entire childhood, her mother was a famous artist, her father was a successful business man. She was an only adopted child, she enjoyed jogging and yoga and had a pet turtle named Bass. Maura preferred classical music and reading books verses watching TV or playing on the internet like I did. Apparently she was some sort of genius, she had graduated two years early as valedictorian from an Ivy League University. She headed a slew of charities and foundations and had a thing for fashion and shoes. I listened keenly to everything Maura told me as I ate voraciously. I wasn't even interested in my alcohol anymore. Somehow I felt just fine without it. I just wanted to know more about Maura, she was so interesting. I forgot all about my own miseries listening to Maura speak. Maura did chide me a few times about eating to fast, I'd only roll my eyes.

"I'm not going to choke Maura...I've been eating my whole life I know what I'm doing!" I shot at her at one point.

I was only joking with her, but still she was starting to sound like my mother.

Maura only laughed.

"I'll save you if you do choke, I know the hymlic, and I can do chest compressions if you pass out." Maura joked with me.

"Yeah...what about mouth to mouth?" I said, giving her my most devilish grin.

Maura stopped moving for a second. She was holding her fork in mid-air and had stopped chewing mid bite. The look in her eyes was wild yet somehow still maintained a level of reserve.

"I've been trained to perform that also...for someone in need." She said carefully after she finally managed to swallow her mouthful of salad.

I didn't reply immediately. I was in a cheerful mood, but I didn't want to be overly inappropriate in Maura's esteemed company.

"I should eat with doctors more often. It might save my life one day," I said backing out of the sexual innuendo's.

Maura's eyebrows raised sharply.

"Doctors in the plural?" her voice was level and laced with forced control.

I was shocked momentarily. Did I hear a hint of some jealousy in her voice?

"I...I didn't mean it like that I just...never mind." I said shaking my head and trying to brush the whole thing off.

The last thing I wanted was to piss this woman off. I thought I saw something behind her eyes that was almost...chilly, chilly and threatening. Not necessarily threatening toward me, more threatening about the idea of me eating with other doctors.

Did this woman have some kind of weird control issue or something? I'd heard powerful people often did have such personality problems. Still, I was a whore after all, certainly the good doctor Isles had to acknowledge that fact at some point. She had to know there would be other 'Johns' in and out of my life, and only for what was between my legs, meal not included. I did find myself feeling sad about that but I quickly brushed it aside. I was having a good time and I didn't want to ruin it. Besides, Maura might have been the perfect gentleman or gentlewoman or whatever. But I wasn't delusional enough to believe I'd ever get so lucky again with a 'date'. I knew I'd have to spread my legs and open my mouth for some strange man at some point, but not tonight it seemed. I was resigned to do what I had to do in the future, I'd come to terms with that already. My daughter did have to eat after all.

Maura however wasn't so easily dissuaded from the subject I was loath to notice. She set down her fork and sat back in her chair crossing her legs again and folding her hands in her lap. Her gaze was level and her face was frozen in some serious no-nonsense expression. I gulped hard swallowing a great lump of food that I hadn't chewed all the way.

"Oh Boy!" I thought as I watched Maura's entire demeanor change in a matter of seconds.

I didn't speak. I didn't want to say anything else that might upset the woman. She was my...my 'John' after all. Even if she was turning out to be pleasant company and buying me this crazy good meal, she was still my 'John' and I was her purchased whore. It was a while before even Maura found words to speak.

"I'd like you to consider not seeing anyone else. I prefer exclusivity in my relationships." Maura said carefully. She was watching my face like a hawk.

I hoped I was doing a good job of not looking bewildered. I imagined I wasn't being very successful.

"Ummm, Maura you know I have a child to feed. That's the only reason I'm doing this after all. I mean...you're awsome and everything. I'm...I'm really having a great time but, I have to put my daughter first." I said as gently as I could.

"Besides, Carmelite has...she has expectations of all her girls. She'll boot me if I don't bring in my quota!" I desperately explained.

I really did want Maura to understand that I wasn't shunning her, I just had obligations.

Maura was silent a while longer. Her face never changed it's stony expression. The candlelight dancing in her hazel eyes made her look...Jesus it was almost scary.

"I'll deal with Carmelite, you don't need to concern yourself with her at all anymore if you agree to exclusivity. I must be honest with you Emily, I don't share." Maura said dangerously. "I'll see that you are cared for, you and Angela both. But I do not share."

I was silent. I didn't know what the hell to say. What exactly was she asking me, what did she want from me? What were her expectations? I started to ask all of those things when my cell phone rang in my purse. I was jolted from my thoughts.

"I'm so sorry, I have to answer, it might be my babysitter." I apologized frantically searching in my purse for my phone.

I found it finally and saw that it was indeed my baby sitter. I felt my heart drop and adrenaline surge from my core and through my body. My babysitter never called me when I was out. Was something wrong? I felt my heart pick up its pace and my breath quicken. I pushed the green answer button...

"...Hello?" I said frantically into the phone.

"JANE!" the young voice of my teenage baby sitter sounded in my ear.

She was hysterical I could tell right off the bat. My stomach was doing somersaults and I felt my hands begin to shake.

"What's wrong sweetheart has something happened?" my voice was shaky. I was terrified.

"OH MY GOD, you have to come home. I think something's wrong with Angela. She was in her crib, and I was sleeping and she just started screaming out of no where. She won't stop Jane I don't know what to do! I don't know what's wrong! I found a remote in her crib, the back was gone and one of the batteries is missing, I think she swallowed it or something. Oh my god...OH my GOD Jane you have to come home NOW!" my babysitter's voice was rippled with mania and panic. I could hear my baby screaming in the background. The sound sent cold shivers through my entire body and goose bumps exploded all over my skin.

I started crying immediately. My lungs burned inside my body. My breath was impossibly rapid and shallow. I could feel sweat break out all over my body. My limbs were shaking uncontrollably. My heart raced a mile a minute. Angela's screams were radiating through the very pit of my soul. It was the most bloodcurdling sound I'd ever heard in my life. I couldn't find words, I couldn't find thoughts. I was blank of all but terrifying fear and raging panick. I tried to speak but my voice only came out in a high pitched cracked wail. Angela was screaming like crazy, I'd never ever heard her make such a sound in my life. I thought I was going to vomit all over myself.

Maura saw me panicking. Before I knew it she was by my side grabbing the phone from my hand. I made no attempts to stop her. I just collapsed to my knees grabbing at my chest and my racing heart. The panic inside me was beyond my control. The tears streaming down my face were unstoppable. The choked horrible sobs escaping my mouth were burning my throat. I felt light headed and dizzy, everything was going all blurry and wavy. I couldn't get the sound of Angela's screams from my mind.

"My baby, my baby, my baby," I wailed over and over between desperate gasping sobs and gulps of air. I was shaking all over now, consumed with the rush of adrenaline that was flooding my mind with horrible thoughts.

"Hello?" I heard Maura say into the phone.

I couldn't see Maura's expression, my back was to her as I wailed and sobbed on my knees clutching my chest for dear life. Flashes of my mother's face danced before my eyes. I saw my brothers too, both of them. I saw them as clear as day. They were there right in front of me, but they weren't there for me. I saw my baby in my mind, I saw her screaming in her crib, crying out for me. I was rocked with agony, I had to get to my baby, I had to get there before death came for her and took her from me. She was all I had, she was all I had.

The terrifying screams of my baby girl wouldn't stop replaying in my mind. The sound ran through me like poison through a vein. I was crippled in fear and guilt and pain. Why was I here? Why was I not with my baby? What was happening to her? Why wasn't I there to protect her? Why couldn't I move? Why couldn't I stop screaming and crying and find a way to get to my child? I doubled over on my hands and knees overcome with the reality of what was happening to my baby. The sound of Angela's screams were haunting me. Visions of tiny caskets and black veils played in my mind's eye. I arched my back and emptied the contents of my very full stomach. It was true, I was nothing, I was less than nothing. I was a whore, there was no mercy for whores. I let out a wailing earthshaking scream of agony from the depths of my soul. My baby, my baby, my baby!

I heard Maura's voice behind me screaming into my phone.

"...Sweetheart call 911 now...do it NOW kid you can't wait for us to get there, you don't have the time. Give the other battery in the remote to the first aid responders when they get there. Tell the operator exactly what happened, try to describe the battery to them, tell them all of Angela's symptoms...do it now...NO you have to do it NOW! I'm hanging up, we'll meet you at the hospital."

I screamed and screamed and cried. I was failing my child again. I always failed the ones I loved the most. They always left me. I was always stuck behind, with nothing but my grief and guilt. I wrapped my arms around my body wishing my child was in my arms, wishing I was there to protect her, to comfort her, to heal her. I cried.

Maura moved to kneel in front of me and grasped me roughly by the arms. I was still crying hysterically. I couldn't stop shaking, I couldn't catch my breath, I couldn't move. I was a frozen, hysterical, terrified mess.

"We have to go Emily now...we have to go!" Maura shook me roughly.

I barely heard her, I grabbed my hair and pulled tightly with both hands. I could see my babies face in my head, I could hear her wails of pain and terror. She needed me, I was supposed to be there, I was supposed to be there.

"No...OH GOD...OH GOD!" I cried and cried.

Maura left me and found her own cell phone and made a call. I don't know how but in a matter of forty five seconds a strong man had swooped me up into his arms and I was being carried towards the elevators still screaming hysterically. I could hear Maura's voice shouting desperate commands to someone, but I couldn't make out what she was saying. I couldn't make out any of the voices around me. I was aware of nothing but my fear for my daughter, the pain in my body, and my agony in my heart.

I had never been so afraid in my entire life.