a/n: This is not the Chapter 2 I intended to write, and it's really just a snapshot, but after writing it, it felt important to keep it just what this is. I hope the things I wanted to relay come across.

Yes, this is going to tell a story, but I apparently have a problem with linear progression. Expect the next installment soon.

EPISODE II

red and away

Ren remembers the boy like a story that happened to someone else.

There are memories and emotions that find their way into his mind's eye, and he's gotten so good over the years at telling himself that their not his- hell, he didn't even have the same name as the boy.

Not anymore.

It's dark when Ben looks outside the windows of the Millennium Falcon. His breath sends little clouds of fog to obscure his view with every exhale.

He catches bits and pieces of his parents' conversation- strong, sharp words that he could recite to you at this point- and judging by the tightness in his mother's voice, their vacation was about to be over.

Ben could tolerate the arguing, but not the way his dad would ruffle his hair after he eventually made his way to the cockpit to tell Chewey the new destination-

"Let's make way for O-17 Chewey. Outer Rim, Ileenium System, D'Qar."

As if Chewey didn't already know.

-or how his mom would squeeze his hand as she waved to the shrinking freighter on the horizon.

It always confused him, the waving, but Ben let her do it even though Han Solo was already gone.

And yeah, Leia would hold his hand until the Falcon was gone and the shockwave from the jump to hyperspace was no longer rattling her bones, and then she too would let him go and walk away, throwing herself into the needs of the galaxy.

Always protecting worlds, never giving second thought to the one she created.

So he stared out the window, letting the emptiness of space pull him in, take him away from the cycle of it all.

Rey is staring at him as the ship lifts off and she's giving him a look he recognizes from his childhood.

Is this what you want?

Ren isn't sure if it's her question or his, but he's certain about the impact it has in his mind. All he can do is stare as she leaves in a cloud of red soil. The salt burns his nose and throat, but something worse stabs there. He wants to cry, he realizes.

But there will be none of that here. That's not him.

There were too many things that happened today- Luke, Leia, failure- and it's all a hum in the background compared to Rey's mouth open just enough to keep him waiting for anything that might pass through her lips.

Is this what you want?

The hangar door closes and the sudden loss of her is unbearable.

Again.

Why couldn't she just see what he saw?

When he closes his eyes tonight, he'll see red and pretend it's rage and find a way to validate it. It will not be the would it feels like- he refuses to look down because there has to be a gaping hole in his chest- or anything other than that familiar rouge he has holstered at his hip.

Fists clenched at his side, Ren watches as the ship clears the atmosphere, feels the shock and lets it roll through him.

It's different this time and it takes him a few minutes of staring at empty sky to figure out why.

The way she stared at him made it feel like he was the one that left.