This should be read after: Sam - Watching

I clean my guns

And feel you watching

I sharpen my knives

And feel you watching

My skin still damp from a shower, I dress

And through your bangs – I feel you watching

I flirt

And still you watch

I pretend to sleep

And laying on my side, facing you – I know you're watching me.

This is as much a nightly routine for me, as it is to you.

You watch. I wait.

I anticipate this part of the days end as much as I know you do. It sounds crazy, girly even, but it's as though I can feel your eyes on me – each look a small caress.

You know I'm no where near capable as you at expressing my feelings – I don't do this kind of thing well.

You think I don't notice the glimpses, the 'accidental' touches – fingers brushing against mine, the pressure of your hand on my shoulder as you ask if I'm okay, the brush of our shoulders as we pass. I notice – and feel – them all. I feel them deep down, butterflies fluttering in my stomach, at each touch, no matter how slight. You honestly don't realise the effect you have on me.

Sometimes you're not as quiet as you think you are – the noise of the shower can't always hide the sound of you calling out my name as you come. The one and only time I've heard it – my cock was instantly, achingly hard. I'd just heard the confirmation of what I'd suspected – that you felt the same, wanted the same, as I.

But what I feel for you is beyond normal Sammy. But I ask myself what's normal in our fucked up lives. Shouldn't we have something that makes our lives bearable, something that gives us some slice of happiness.

But now as I lay facing you, I wait – and wonder. Will tonight be the night you decide to leave your bed and come to mine. To lay with me and make us whole.

The decision, in my mind, in the end – has to be yours.

I listen to you breathe and notice a subtle change – you're breathing heavier and I wonder what it is you're thinking. Are you thinking what it'd be like to fuck me Sammy? Or am I fucking you?

A cars passing headlights sweep across the room and I take this as an opportunity to roll onto my back, tangling my legs in the sheet, pulling it down further. Resting my forearm across my eyes, I open them.

To me, the air feels electric – as if you're on the cusp of some change within you. I'm struggling to breathe at a normal rate as I feel your eyes raking up my exposed torso, and then I hear you move.

My heart's racing as I hear you kneel beside the bed. I don't move – I let the sound of your breathing wrap around me and I feel the softest touch against my lips as your fingertips graze them.

I almost lose it as that small touch goes straight to my cock and a sigh escapes me. Closing my eyes, I let my head fall to face you, my forearm falling to the pillow behind me.

For what feels like forever, the silence is deafening until I hear you breathe. Then a slight shift in the air as you move closer quickens my already racing pulse and then you're there. For only a fleeting second – your lips brush mine and my heart feels as though it will burst.

I want to act on it Sammy, believe me I do. I want to reach out and pull you to me, devour your mouth with my own.

But then you're gone as I hear you return to your own bed. And my heart slowly breaks.

You want this – want us. As do I.

I want to kiss you Sammy – suck you, bite you, fuck you and more. I want you to look at me as you breathe my name when you come.

But I have to wait – I can't act on this Sammy.

As much as I want this – need this – it has begin with you. Your actions speak a thousand words to me, but I have to hear it – hear it said from your sweet mouth.

That you want this – want us.

But after tonight – in the wake of your lips on mine – I feel as though that beginning is drawing nearer.