Disclaimer: I do not own any of this – not even the various plots. No offence is meant to anyone. This is all done in good fun. I'm not profiting from this story in any way. Please, just read and enjoy.

Summary: Sixth year has finally come around, and the Phoenix will soon rise.

Warnings: Extreme OOCness, fluff, plotholes, slash, over-used plots, Mary Sues, Gary Stu's, gods, Americans, long-lost relatives, pranks, angst, lemon drops, cross-overs, and probably more.

A/N: Chapter one! Hooray! Chapter two should be ready sometime in the next couple of days. I hope you all enjoy it.

Chapter 1

Harry landed with a thud in the master bedroom of the Most Ancient and Noble House of Black. It had been nearly two months since Sirius had died, but Harry had finally stopped blaming himself entirely for the incident at the Department of Mysteries. He unpacked his trunk quickly, smiling faintly. This was his home now. Sirius had left it to him, along with almost everything in the Black family vault at Gringott's.

He made his way down to the kitchen to fix himself a bite to eat, smiling to himself about the fact that this was now a house without a house elf. Kreacher had died, apparently, less than a day after Sirius fell through the Veil.

Harry was forcefully dragged from his musings as he entered the kitchen and came face to face with Snape and Draco Malfoy, both of whom had their wands trained on him. Harry couldn't help but chuckle as he raised his hands in the rather traditional gesture of 'hey, I come in peace'.

"Who are you? How did you get in here?"

Harry's jaw dropped as he stared incredulously at Snape. But the madness didn't stop there. Malfoy spoke up as well. "Are you here to kill us?" Malfoy then looked to Snape, "Who could've broken the Fidelius Charm? I can't believe that Dumbledore would've betrayed us!"

It just became too much for Harry, who broke down laughing after a moment of silence. Snape and Malfoy kept their wands trained on him, baffled into silence by his laughter. "Professor, Malfoy," he managed to choke out, "how can you not recognize one of the people you despise most in the world?" To emphasize his point, Harry pushed back his fringe, revealing that infamous scar.

"Potter!" Malfoy rose from his seat at the kitchen table and moved to stand next to Snape.

Snape glared and slowly lowered his wand. "How did you cast a glamour on yourself without getting caught by the Ministry, Potter?" The professor looked angry beyond words.

"Glamour? Professor, I'm not wearing a glamour!"

"Do you think me an idiot, Potter?" Snape ground out between clenched teeth. "No one's appearance could be so changed in a month!"

Harry simply stared at the man in front of him. He didn't think he looked that different. Sure, he'd finally hit his growth spurt (he was now nearly 5' 9" instead of the meager 5' 5" he'd been last month). And, okay, his hair had grown longer and seemed to have developed some naturally occurring red highlights in addition to being more manageable. And yes, he found that he no longer had a need for his glasses; his face had become a bit more angled, his cheekbones looked higher. But really, Harry thought he still looked like himself. He voiced this opinion to his professor, who snorted.

"We'll call the Headmaster in the morning and discuss it, Potter. You should head up to bed."

Harry smirked. "Are you trying to order me around in my own house, Professor Snape?"

"Your house, Potter?" Malfoy sneered. "This is the Most Ancient and Noble House of Black. It rightfully belongs to my family!"

Harry's smirk doubled as Snape cleared his throat. "Actually, Draco, as the house belonged to Sirius Black, he left it to Potter in his will. The house is Potter's."

The kitchen was enveloped in a deafening silence, which Harry promptly broke. "Speaking of which… what are you both doing here? I mean, I can understand why you're here, professor, but last I knew Malfoy was playing for the other team."

"Well," Malfoy began, "I suppose we were technically on opposing sides. But, with my father in prison, the Dark Lord decided he wanted me to fill the gap."

"And?" Harry said after Malfoy had been silent for a few moments.

Draco sighed. "Don't be thick, Potter! Can you honestly see me bowing and scraping in front of some madman? Kissing the hems of his robes? A Malfoy should bow to no one." He folded his arms across his chest and held his head up high to emphasize his point. "Besides," Malfoy sniffed, "I wouldn't ever lower myself to killing someone with my own hands, or wand. That's what servants are for."

Harry stared at Malfoy for a few moments, then nodded. "Yes, that would be Malfoy logic, alright." He grinned as Malfoy stuck his tongue out. "And so very mature."

Snape cleared his throat again. "If you don't mind, I hardly think that the middle of the night is the right time to philosophize. I am quite tired, so I shall head to bed. I trust that the two of you will not kill each other, but if you do, be sure not to make too much of a mess. Molly Weasley will be coming in the morning, and she'd kill me if her precious kitchen were stained with blood." He swept out of the kitchen without waiting for a response.

Malfoy and Harry stared at each other for a few moments before they sat down at opposite sides of the kitchen table. "So, Potter…"

"Yes, Malfoy?"

"If you own this house, and have vaults filled with galleons… why do you wear those awful clothes?" Malfoy wrinkled his nose in disgust, as if to emphasize his point. "I may not be a big fan of muggles, but I keep up with their fashion on occasion… and I know that what you are wearing right now is not the height of fashion."

Harry glared at the boy across from him before he sighed. "You're right. You see, Malfoy, just because in our world I'm famous and a hero, or whatever, doesn't mean that I'm revered in the muggle world. My relatives actually happen to despise magic, and therefore they despise me. They've called me a freak my entire life, and basically tried to beat the magic out of me. They've never bought me anything, or given me anything other than what they had to in order to keep me alive. Thusly, my clothes are hand-me-downs from my cousin Dudley, who is roughly the size of a small whale. After I found out about the Wizarding World, and found out I was secretly rich, I never bought myself any new clothes because if my relatives had known that I'd had money, they would've demanded that I hand it over to them… which I'd never do."

Malfoy blinked. "I was just mocking you, Potter… I wasn't expecting you to pour your heart out."

"Well, I guess I had to tell someone at some point," Harry shrugged. "You're actually the first person I've told."

"And it warms my heart, believe me." Malfoy sneered and stood. "After that enlightening little speech, I feel I must relieve myself of your presence. Good night, Potter."

Harry smirked as Malfoy walked out of the kitchen, "Good night, Malfoy." He stood and fixed himself a cup of tea (as Snape and Malfoy had left the pot on the stove), then relaxed at the table again. "This is going to be an interesting summer."

A/N2: Well, that went rather well, don't you think? Like I said, chapter 2 should be ready in the next few days… And as soon as I get this story out of my head I'll be able to continue with my other stories. Thanks for taking the time to read this bit of fun… And I adore reviews. ;D