Disclaimer: I do not own the characters from Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman. The rights to those characters and to the show belong to the creators of the show, to CBS, The Sullivan Company and to A&E.
Forwards – Part Two
This is a sequel to my previous story Backwards. It takes place after Catherine leaves and deals with how Michaela and Sully begin to heal.
The moon cast funny shadows on the ground as a light wind whistled through the trees. It seemed eerie outside by herself at this time of the night. Normally Sully would be here with her, his presence chasing away the uneasy feelings that arose at each strange noise. Alone things were different, the mind playing tricks on the eyes. Huddling deeper into her shawl, she looked down at the delicate Columbine flowers, their whiteness standing out against the dark of her skirt. The fragile blooms were already wilting but she wasn't ready yet to be parted from them as she continued to think over the situation with Sully. Why hadn't he made his presence known tonight? It wasn't like him to bring a gift and leave it for her but of course things were different now.
She was different now – wiser in some ways, more cautious as well. Again she looked down at the blooms, feeling her stomach clench tightly at the thought of what they signified. A gift - the kind of gift that spoke of more than friendship. Feeling the panic building in her chest, she quickly moved the flowers from her lap and stood taking in deep gulps of the night air. This whole experience was complicated, the hurt deep no matter what choice she made. Seeing him was being reminded of his betrayal. Not seeing him was being reminded of his absence. The emotional pain undulated between the two extremes, reminding her she wasn't yet ready to return to life before Catherine. Until the battle played out inside of herself, she wouldn't be ready. The inner conflict she felt would have to be resolved first.
"Slow and steady," she whispered to herself. As if putting their relationship back together was a surgical procedure. Letting her fingers crawl over the stems, she picked one bloom and brought it to her nose. "I can't Sully…not yet," she spoke into the darkness as tears sprang to her eyes. The pain was still too fresh; so fresh she could still taste it in the back of her throat.
A bitter sadness fell over her as she picked up one flower and pulled off the first petal. "He loves me." She dropped the purple tipped petal to the ground as she relived this childhood game. "He loves me not," she whispered, the air stilling around her. "He loves me. He loves me not. He loves me." She held onto the last petal rubbing it between her fingers, scattering the scent on the wind. "If only love was this easy…." The wind caught her words and carried them off into the night.
The sunlight twinkled off the fast moving water of the stream, scattering the spectrum of light and sending rainbows of color all around. The morning was chilly but Sully was certain it would warm up quickly as it had the day before. The past few days were hard on Sully as he purposely made himself stay away from Michaela. Giving the excuse of checking his tracks, he had left bright and early the morning after he had seen the gentleman at Michaela's house. For three days, he wandered aimlessly uncertain what to do next. He asked the spirits for guidance but even they remained strangely silent. Finally, he convinced himself that not knowing was harder than knowing and he returned to his lean to. Brian found him this morning washing at the creek and asked if they could go fishing. Half-heartedly Sully agreed and even now he was only physically there.
Brian wandered a little ways down the stream, his pole wedged in between two rocks so that he could explore. Sully watched him absentmindedly, loosely holding his own fishing pole. The young boy was talking animatedly about a school project and Sully nodded every once in awhile with feigned interest. His thoughts were still on Michaela as they had been for the past few weeks.
"Sully your line is moving," Brian called over to him pointing at the line but it was already too late. A sharp tug pulled the pole right from between his fingers and it splashed loudly into the water. Brian laughed. "Guess you weren't payin' attention."
"Nope, I wasn't." He stood and splashed through the shallows of the stream to retrieve his poll the line now snapped clean in half by the fish that got away. He sat back down on the rock and made to reattach a hook and then bait to his line, vowing to get his mind out of the clouds and on the present.
"Ya comin' to dinner tonight Sully? Ma said she'd fry up any fish we caught."
Taking a deep breath, he gave a slight nod of his head. "If it suits your ma, I'll come." Brian smiled widely and then went to retrieve his own pole as Sully mulled over having to eat dinner with Michaela and the gentleman he had seen only a few days earlier. That would be unbearable he thought and so he began to question Brian, knowing his intentions weren't pure but pushing away the guilt that nagged at him.
"What did y'all have for dinner last night?" he asked casually hoping to divert any suspicion with the innocent question.
"Colleen made chicken and potatoes. It was real good – too bad you were checkin' your traps."
"Sounds good." He nodded his head as he spoke, waiting a moment before continuing. "Have any guests last night?"
"Nope. Just me and ma and Colleen. Matthew ate with Ingrid." Brian was becoming bored with the questions and he stood again pulling up his line and moving up the stream a little.
"Had any other guests recently?"
"No."
Sully's brow wrinkled in confusion but he didn't press the situation. Perhaps… perhaps he had misunderstood or misinterpreted what he had seen. With a shake of his head, he smiled and relaxed. He felt silly for making so many false assumptions and for staying away. No matter, he would make that all up tonight when he saw her.
"Oh, we did have some doctor fellow. Ma invited him and they talked forever. It was borin'."
What was said and what Sully heard were two different things. As often is the case when the mind is already bent in one direction, Sully's imagination began to run away from him. The previous thoughts of his silliness fled and they were replaced with fear that sprang up quickly and grew fiercely. Sully knew nothing about this man, other than he was a doctor but that thought alone was enough to set him off. David had been a doctor, sharing a whole part of Michaela's life that he never would. Sully could still remember early on in their courting when Michaela had reminded him of this fact. This man would have the same advantage. If the incident with Catherine had never happened, he would be sure that Michaela wouldn't count such differences but now….now things were different.
"Will you stay for dinner?" Her tone was casual and light, not betraying the fear and hope tied up in that one statement. Continuing to peel the potatoes, she only looked up after minute or so of silence. Sully was cleaning up the checker board most intently, Brian having already run outside to play. "Sully, did you hear me?"
Pensively he turned giving her a slight nod. "Will there be room?"
Michaela's brow wrinkled. "Of course there will be room. Why would you ask that?"
"Brian mentioned you had a guest the other night. Didn't know if he might be joining ya again." His voice betrayed the feelings of jealousy he was trying so hard to cover.
Michaela ignored it though, answering directly in hopes of dispelling any qualms he had. "We did. Dr. Shipley from Denver. I had asked for him to come for a consultation about one of my patients. I had hoped you would join us." The sentence hung in the air filling up the room so that Sully could no longer ignore it.
Sully puffed out his cheeks and then looked away as he spoke. "I didn't know I was invited," he muttered under his breath, his frustration shining through. Once again he returned to the checkers as he made neat stacks of the red and black makers in their box.
Choosing to once again ignore his tone, she probed, "Is that why you didn't knock the other night?"
The flowers he left on the doorstep made it impossible for him to deny his presence. Taking a deep breath, he set down the checkers and looked at her fully in the face. "I don't know how to do this. I tried to stay away and give ya time and I'm tryin' to be your friend. I just don't know what I'm allowed and not allowed to do, Michaela." He balled up his hands in frustration and shook his head. "This is hard."
"It is," she agreed absentmindedly taking a step toward him.
Sully didn't realize how preoccupied she was with her own thoughts and took her moving as a good sign. Slowly so as not to scare her, he reached up and laid his hand on her shoulder, gently squeezing.
The light pressure flooded her body, making her heart pump faster and her breathing heavier. Michaela tensed under his touch and he felt it. It was like a blow in the stomach. She stepped backwards, turning abruptly away from him. "It's too soon," she whispered as his hand fell back to his side.
They had hugged and held hands since the Catherine incident but now she was bulking at a simple touch. Sully spoke his gut reaction, "I can't even touch ya?"
Slowly she pivoted to face him, trying to make sense of his actions. "I'm not ready." The light streamed through the window casting a strange shadow over his face, a bad omen of what was to come.
The blue eyes that met hers reflected the hurt he felt at her words. "Please don't push me away again," he whispered reaching his hand out but withdrawing it almost immediately under her withering gaze.
"I'm not pushing you away… I'm just not ready for anything more than friendship right now."
The words were strangled in his throat as his heart said one thing and his mind another. She was fragile and he knew he shouldn't say what he was feeling. He knew he had no right to but before he could stop himself it came out. "I don't know how to just be your friend."
The words cut through the tension burning a path to Michaela. She stiffened and took a step backwards, feeling cornered. "I'm not ready," she uttered, a look of desperation in her eyes. "You said you'd give me time."
"I've been givin' ya time!" The tone of his voice made her jump and he instantly regretted letting his frustration shine through. Taking a deep breath, he continued in a calmer manner. "I love you Michaela. I don't want to watch you with someone else."
"There isn't anyone else, Sully."
"Someday there might be. I can't stand by and watch that happen."
Like a caged animal, she began to pace back and forth. Internally the battle raged within her. She could see the pain in his eyes, hear it in his voice. It resonated inside of her and she knew that three little words could erase it. Michaela opened her mouth to speak but clamped it quickly shut refusing to give into the pressure. She would not be pushed into this when she wasn't ready. Rearing her head, she looked him in the eye and he physically wilted under her gaze. "Then don't. Go- if that's what you want, just go."
"I don't want to go. I want to know that we are working back towards where we used to be."
Twisting away from him, she hid her face. "I can't do this right now Sully. I can't say what you need to hear. I can't pretend that Catherine didn't happen."
The name hung in the air between them, both now looking directly at the other. Sully shook his head and sighed in disgust. "So we're back to that now?"
Michaela felt her ire rise at his words. "We're not back to that. We've never gotten away from it. I can't pretend that you didn't hurt me that I'm not still hurting." She rose up to her full height as she spoke taking another commanding step away from him. "Don't turn this back on me and try to make it my fault. You kissed her Sully…. You kissed her!" She was yelling now unaware of anything except the anger she felt inside. "Stop pushing me!"
The words echoed and then died, her expression quickly falling back to listlessness. She hadn't realized that she was so angry, still so angry. Sully stood stunned before her, backed down from the position he had taken just a few minutes earlier. In one careless moment he had ruined everything. He opened his mouth to speak but found there was nothing to say. Grabbing his coat off the back of the end chair, he pushed past her. "Come on boy," he called to wolf.
The animal was curled up near the fireplace and he lazily lifted his head as if to question his master. He stretched his front legs and looked up at Sully once again who snapped his fingers more impatiently. Finally he moved quickly now allowing Sully to complete his exit.
Michaela watched him go only briefly considering stopping him when Wolf had bulked. "One step forward and two steps back," she whispered to herself looking back down at the potatoes. All she wanted was to lie down on her bed and cry but there was no time for that right now. "Forwards," she said aloud, the word sounding strange to her ears. "I don't know how to move forwards."
The dying embers of the campfire mocked him, making him think of the homestead in the last light of the evening. The children settling into bed as Brian tried his best to argue for another story. The way Colleen kissed his cheek, wishing him good night. She hadn't done that the last time he was there – the look in her eyes one of distrust and perhaps betrayal. He missed that – that feeling of being connected, of having a family. There was a dream from long ago when he was younger; a dream with children filling the homestead, of laughter and smiles. Ironically that dream had come true, though not in the way he had imagined.
His thoughts turned to her now. He would watch as she wished the children good night one last time, pulling blankets up to their chins to ensure their warmth. This time of the night was his favorite. Michaela would bring coffee out to the porch and they would sit there together in the peaceful quiet watching as more and more stars filled the darkened sky. The feel of her head tucked up under his chin, her hair tickling his neck. Missing the way she would lay her hand inside of his waiting for him to curl his fingers around hers. In the moonlight, she was a celestial being the light in her eyes sparkling especially bright.
Long ago in what seemed another lifetime, he sat on that same porch with Abagail. She too liked to tuck her head under his chin and curl up to his side but things were different then – he was different then. Perhaps he had never been able to feel things properly, his heart frozen by years of deep sorrow. The death of his family when he was still young, the need to be tough and strong despite how one felt inside. His mind turned to Abagail now, the only other woman he had loved. Things were different then, he was different then. Even with Abagail there were things he couldn't talk about, things he couldn't say. She always wanted to hear words of love and affirmation, faulting Sully for being cold and distant at times.
Now he was faulting Michaela for the same thing. Is this how Abagail had felt long ago? Shut out by him, kept at a distance – afraid of letting someone know too much about him. It wasn't that he didn't love her, that he didn't need her but rather that he wasn't always sure how to show her. Physically he could show her but Abagail was hungry for something else, something that he never managed to get quite right. How strange that his heart had only truly awakened after her death… after Hannah's death. He still remembered holding the lifeless body of his child in his arms, insisting on seeing her despite the protests of others. The shock of dark hair the same color as Abagail's caught his attention first before he let his finger run along her cheek. The red of the tiny lips, perfectly formed but still. He would have given his life to hear that little girl cry… to watch her eyes open. He would have given his soul to hear Abby's laugh or to watch her smile just one more time.
How strange that in death his heart awakened – just at the moment that he wished to dull it. The pain was more intense than he could have ever imagined and that was why he had run, hoping to lose the ache that constantly plagued him. Meeting Cloud Dancing, learning to accept the sorrow and the emotions changed his life in ways he didn't even know how to express. Then he had met her. As if his whole life was in preparation for that moment, he thought to himself. For once, he was free to love and share that love.
What had happened? How had things gotten so mixed up? It wasn't that he had felt something for Catherine but rather that she initiated and reciprocated so willingly. The touches, the looks, the gift of the necklace… the kiss… it all haunted him. There were moments when he knew he should tell her explicitly about Michaela but it felt good to be needed, to be wanted like that. His mistake had been letting himself enjoy her attention simply because it made him feel good.
The journey to get to this place, to be able to feel, to understand who he was had been long and complicated. And now just at the moment that he was able to love and be loved fully in return, he had ruined it. Was it possibly to destroy your destiny? To mess up the one thing you had never been more certain of? As if looking down into the abyss, Sully thought of his life without her, a damned half-life. He needed her… his life was meant to be spent with her. It had taken him over thirty years to get to this place, he could wait until she was ready … he had to wait.
The need to see her had driven him into town yet even now as he slowly made his way to the clinic, the urge to turn back was strong. Still he continued on, regretting walking away the night before. He should have reassured her that he would wait, that he would give her all the time she needed. That's what he would tell her now, promise her not to push again. The clinic door now loomed before him and he knocked gently on it feeling the nervous flutter of his heart.
Colleen opened the door and scowled. "She's not here," she said instantly already turning away.
"Where is she?"
"Went to check on Mr. Donelley's foot." Her words were short and brief, hoping that Sully wouldn't decide to wait around fore Dr. Mike to return.
"Colleen could I talk to ya for a minute?"
She gave a shrug of her shoulders, wishing he wouldn't but not wanting to be outright rude. "I guess," she said noncommittally.
"I know this whole… thing has been hard on Dr. Mike and ya'll as well. I just want to say I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt ya."
The words were sincere and heartfelt, she could tell that but they did little to change how she felt inside. Slowly she turned to face him. "Alright," she whispered the expression on her face remaining neutral. As their eyes met, she felt the damn inside burst apart. "Why did you do it?" she asked in an accusatory manner.
Sully looked ashamed, the hurt that she felt only now becoming apparent. He hadn't thought of how it would affect her but he should have. "I didn't mean for it to happen," he said struggling to explain. "I guess your ma and me just needed to work some stuff out."
"At night when she thinks we're all asleep, she cries Sully. You hurt her so bad." Colleen felt tears rising up in her own eyes as the battle between hating and loving the man before her waged on.
The words were another well aimed blow to Sully and he closed his eyes trying desperately to think how to explain this all to Colleen. Both were so caught up in the moment that they didn't hear the steps along the wooden walkway that stopped just outside the door, listening. "I know I've hurt her deeply. I never meant to and I wish I could take it all back."
"But you can't," she pointed out giving a little shake of her head.
"No I can't so I gotta prove to her that she can trust me again – that I ain't gonna hurt her again. I think I gotta prove that to you too."
Colleen sniffled loudly and wiped at her cheeks. "She cried again last night." The words dropped from her lips almost by accident.
"I know," he whispered having already sensed it inside. His next words were not necessarily aimed at Colleen but he spoke letting his plan come out for some reason, not knowing Michaela stood only feet away. "Sometimes people they want to feel special. And sometimes that might be attention from another person that makes them feel special."
"Catherine made you feel special?"
Sully nodded. "I didn't love her or have those kind of feelings for her."
"But she was so beautiful- you thought she was beautiful."
Sully swallowed hard. "I did think she was beautiful but that don't mean I love her." Colleen looked up confused and Sully instantly guessed what she was thinking. "I think Dr. Mike is beautiful too but that ain't why I love her. It's who she is inside Colleen – that's who I love. She's beautiful inside. Knew that right off. She was standing in Mr. Bray's store with your mom and she took down the sign saying No Indians. She said it had seen it's time. I never forgot that she was willing to stand up for what was right."
Colleen smiled faintly, the thaw beginning. "You still love her?"
"Of course I do. I ain't goin' anywhere Colleen. I'm gonna stay here and earn her trust back… earn your trust back."
"Thank you," she whispered taking a step toward him. "Thank you for not being like my pa." The words moved Sully deeply and he lifted one arm to hug her. Colleen took him by surprise when she grabbed him tightly around the neck holding on for several seconds. Sully encircled her with both arms, rubbing her back gently as he felt hot tears fall on his shirt. Eventually she calmed and moved away from him. "Thank you," she whispered again.
Without remembering that he was there to see Michaela, Sully nodded and took a step towards the door. Michaela, who had been completely absorbed in the conversation didn't have a chance to move before he stepped outside and practically ran into her. Their eyes met but neither spoke for a minute each uncertain what to say. Sully backed slowly away not wanting to ruin the feeling that had settled in his chest. She had heard his heart now and he hoped that would be enough.
When he stepped off the porch, Michaela stepped forward. "Will you come to dinner tonight?"
Sully nodded, a flicker of a smile settling on his lips. "See ya tonight." With that he was gone, wolf at his side as he walked down the road leading out of town.
"One step forward," she whispered watching him go.
The first stars of evening were appearing, coming out of their slumber and awakening to the new night. Michaela felt like them, as if she was awakening to. The confusion of the last week was gone, falling away like scales from her eyes. The thought that she would never be able to let Sully so close again was dispelled, the path now clear before her. Sitting on the top step of the porch, she imagined what it would be like when Sully joined her. She wasn't ready to go back completely yet. There was still healing to be done but it felt finally as if she would heal - as if they could come through this. The light at the end of the tunnel was in sight. She hadn't reached the end yet but the hope that they would was there. Perhaps it had always been there, buried underneath all the hurt.
The opening of the door jarred her and she instantly turned her face up to see him. "He's asleep," Sully said moving down the stairs to leave. "Pretty tired myself," he added faking a yawn.
"Could we talk?" Michaela asked freezing him in his tracks.
Sully looked surprised but pleased. "Sure," he said as Michaela scooted over to make more room for him. Both grew nervous and that bred an uncomfortable silence.
Michaela knew she had asked him to stay - to talk but words were hard to find at the moment. "It's a lovely night," she said, her tone revealing her nervousness.
Sully nodded. "It is."
"Sully I…"
"Michaela.."
They both spoke at the same time and then each laughed, feeling silly. It was just the thing to break the tension though. Michaela noticed that he had used her given name and that brought a blush to her cheeks as it always did on the rare occasions that he used it.
"Go ahead," he said waving his hand to indicate she should start.
"I heard you at the clinic today. I heard what you said to Colleen about waiting."
Sully turned to face her head on. "I meant that Michaela. The things you said the other day, you were right. I am pushing, expecting too much too fast." Michaela nodded but remained silent. "I don't want to mess this up," he whispered turning his head down as he revealed his innermost fears.
"I don't want to mess it up either Sully. I want things to go back to how they were. I know that may be hard to believe."
"I ain't good at bein' patient about things like this. I never was… that's one of the reasons Abagail and me eloped. But I want you to know that I'm gonna wait… wait until you're ready for me… for us again."
Michaela smiled. "And I want you to know that even though I'm not ready to go back to courting yet, that I still love you."
The words were just what Sully needed to hear. The tension left his body, tension that he wasn't even aware of. "Thank ya," he whispered wanting to reach out and touch her but afraid to move.
Michaela read his mind though and moved a little closer to him. Hesitantly Sully raised his arm and gently placed it around her shoulder. Their eyes met and Michaela moved even closer, drawn their by some imaginary hand. She relaxed against him, letting her head rest against his shoulder. Sully breathed in deeply, reveling in the feeling of her here with him.
Gone were thoughts of Catherine and fears that their relationship was over. In the place of confusion, rose a deep abiding peace. In the place of despair, rose a hope that burned deep within chasing away all the pain. There were still healing to be accomplished but finally their direction was set. They would move forward taking each step slowly but together.
So sorry it took me soooo long to finish this story. I know that this doesn't follow up with Ready or Not exactly but it is rather what I would like to see. A slow gradual healing followed by the scenes from Abduction Aftermath. I know Matthew and Sully didn't talk in this one but I thought perhaps that they would talk after Luck of the Draw about mistakes… Matthew understanding that healing takes time but is possible. Thanks for reading.