Disclaimer: As always I own nothing but the original characters and the situations all the characters get put into. Everything else belongs to somebody else and that's just the way its got to be. Thanks so much for reading, hope you let me know what you think!

Note: Setting has been changed to Romance and Drama, rather than Humor. While there will be plenty of humor I thought it might be misleading, as Scorpius will be significantly darker in this in comparison to my other portrayals of him.

He's No Bond Girl

Making a last minute adjustment to his tie Al stared into the mirror, doing his best not to wince at his expression. He looked like a man on his way to his own hanging, which was exactly how he felt. Rubbing his hands over his face Al wished with all his might that he knew exactly what Malfoy had planned for him. It had been almost a week since that day and he was developing ulcers, waiting for the other shoe to drop. And it would drop, Al had no doubt.

Picturing the look on the Malfoy heir's face when he'd left the hospital wing was enough to tie Al's stomach up in knots. Not just because of its wickedness, but also because of how hot Malfoy looked when he was being bad. The stormy grey eyes and waist length white blonde hair that went with the look just made Scorpius that much yummier. He'd spent way too much of his life imagining what that hair would look like down, rather than braided of tied back the way it usually was. That the body attached to the rest was equally lovely just made the mental images that much more fun to drool over.

"Whatcha thinking?" Louis asked, laying an arm over his cousin's shoulder as he looked into the mirror with Al.

"About how hot Malfoy is. And how he's right now probably planning my ultimate doom."

Looking at the two of them in the mirror Al could plainly see why no one ever believed them at first when they said they were cousins. His own hair was short and pitch black, Louis's was long and pure white. Louis topped off about six foot one while Al, much to his chagrin, just made five ten. Al's build was lean but muscular as a result of his part time job; Louis was slim as a girl and delicately built. Al could never be mistaken for anything other than male while Louis, if not for his height, would likely always be mistaken for a girl at first glance.

But they were best friends, and their differences just made them mesh that much better as far as they were concerned.

"Want me to talk to him?" Louis asked, his sapphire blue eyes alight with concern. He was really worried Al was going to make himself sick if he didn't stop worrying.

"I'll hold that in reserve."

"Well we better be heading for breakfast, or we're going to be late." And usually he was the one making them late.

Nodding in agreement Al followed his cousin out, the two walking in tandem as they headed out of the Gryffindor tower and down to the Great Hall, both spotting Scorpius at the same time. And he was headed right for them.

)

Scorpius was not pleased to see that Louis Weasley was with Potter. If there was one other member of Potter's family that annoyed him as much as Potter it was that one. Because while you could pick a fight with the other man, no one ever willingly started something with this particular Weasley. Not because the man was dangerous, but because picking on Louis was like kicking a puppy. No, not just a puppy, a golden retriever puppy. After you'd run over its mother and burned all its toys in front of it. No one made you feel like the scum of the earth like Louis Weasley when you hurt his feelings. The girlie boy was creepy as hell that way. He didn't even have to say anything, he killed you with his eyes alone. Slytherins avoided him like the plague for that reason.

But he was a man on a mission, so Scorpius steeled himself and continued forward. "Can I talk to you, Potter? Alone?"

Arms crossing in front of him Louis gave Malfoy a suspicious look. "What do you want to talk to him about?"

"I won't hurt him, Weasley. I just need to speak with him for a minute."

"I'll meet you inside." Al decided, giving Louis a gentle push towards the Great Hall. "I don't think he'll blow me away with all these witnesses around." Or if he did, at least he'd die knowing Scorpius would be joining him in the here after soon.

Only they'd be going in different directions.

After giving Scorpius one more hard look Louis relented, trusting that Al was right about the blowing up thing. "You hurt him and I'll sic my fan club on you." Louis called over his shoulder before joining the crowd.

As threats went that was a doozy. Because of his androgynous looks and Veela charisma Louis was beloved by all the girls at Hogwarts. He even had a fan club, which composed most of the female population from all four houses. And anyone that threatened their prince met a very, very bad end. One Slytherin had even had to transfer out of Hogwarts, for fear of their wrath.

"So what do you want to talk about?" Al asked, shoving his hands into his pockets.

"You have a break right after lunch, right?"

"That's right. As do you." They'd butted heads between classes more than once, especially since their schedules were so alike. The only difference in their timetables was that he took Care of Magical Creatures and Scorpius took Ancient Runes.

Reaching into his pocket Scorpius pulled out a piece of paper and held it out towards the suspicious Gryfinndor, who reluctantly took it from him. "Be there directly after lunch. We have something to talk about. Without prying eyes. Or ears."

And not waiting for an answer Scorpius strolled off, counting on Potter's curiosity to make him show up.

)

Which he did, calling himself every kind of idiot for doing so. He'd told Louis where he was going, and if anything were to happen to him at least his family would know who to blame. A small comfort, Al thought as he leaned up against the stone wall. The meeting place was out of the way, this part of the castle still damaged from the Battle for Hogwarts. No one would be coming by any time soon. Well until Louis and Fred came to get him in an hour if he didn't check in with them.

Sensing Scorpius's approach Al straightened and moved to face the man head on, wishing not for the first time that he didn't take after his Uncle Charlie in the height department. It was hard to intimidate someone when the top of your head just barely reached their chin.

"You beat me here." As cool as a cucumber Scorpius betrayed nothing as he came to a stop in front of his nemesis, smug in the fact that the stupid Gryffindor had no idea what was in store for him.

"Wasn't terribly hungry." He'd been too nervous to eat.

"Unusual for you." Normally Potter ate like a horse. He must be nervous.

Shrugging his shoulders like it was no big deal Al forced himself to remain cool too as his green eyes met the Slytherin's smoky grey. "So what is it you want to talk about? Or should I say, what is your brilliant plan to make my life a living hell with the information I gave you five days ago?"

Well that was getting straight to the point. "And what would you say if I told you I have no intention of making your life a living hell?"

"I'd say I don't believe you. Making my life miserable is your favorite thing to do after proving to everyone that you're not a decent human being."

Lips twitching Scorpius had to admit that his conversations with Potter were never boring. The other man had a pretty good grasp of what kind of person he was, which would make it that much better when he brought the man down. Corrupting him, forcing him to become everything he despised, he was getting excited chills just thinking about it.

"Well as it happens I think you'll rather enjoy the results of our last little talk." Scorpius all but purred.

"And why would you think that?" Al couldn't think of how it would benefit him at all for Scorpius to know that he wanted him. Had Scorpius suffered some recent brain damage altering the man's recollections of that night? Naw, he just wasn't that lucky. And the man was definitely up to something. Every instinct was screaming that fact.

Raising a hand Scorpius had to work hard not to smirk at the expression on Potter's face when he gently slid the back of his hand down the man's cheek.

"What the…why did you…" Instinctively taking a step back Al's eyes were weary as he watched Scorpius, trying to figure out the man's motive, the brief caress wreaking havoc with his thought processes.

Let the lying begin, Scorpius thought as he stepped closer to the man, retaking the space the Gryffindor had put between them.

"Well you see, Potter…I've found myself bored with my usual fare lately. I've had all the girls worth screwing at this school and the recent ones have done little for me. Your…offer on Monday…well it got me thinking." Reaching out Scorpius grabbed Al's tie and used it to yank the very startled man up against his chest, enjoying immensely that fact that he was finally in control. Letting go of the tie Scorpius placed one hand on the back of Al's head and slid the other under the Gryffindor's robes to the man's back, pulling out the tucked in shirt so that he could place his hand against the man's bare back.

Eyes as big as dinner plates Al could only make a small, whimpering noise as he felt Scorpius's fingers move to splay against his bare back. In some part of his brain Al knew he should be saying or doing something, but he was in too much shock to think much of anything.

"What's the matter, Potter? I haven't even gotten your tongue yet."

And now it was time to find out just how horrible kissing a Potter could be.

Mentally bracing himself Scorpius leaned in and placed his lips against the ones already parted in shock.

Like a jolt from a taser, the feel of Scorpius's lips pressing up against his brought Al back to reality with shocking clarity, causing his baser instincts to kick into overdrive.

Grabbing the sides of Scorpius's head Al took control of the kiss with a passion that shocked the hell out of the Slytherin. Taking advantage of the fact that Scorpius's mouth had opened in surprise Al used his tongue to taste and explore, instincts screaming to take what he could before Scorpius regained his senses and pushed him away. Changing the angle of the kiss Al groaned as he tasted the reality of the man, even better than his sexiest dream. All dark and hot, the sensual flavors drew him in so that Al was mindless to anything but them as he groaned out his pleasure. He'd spent so much time imagining this that he didn't have to think. He knew exactly what he wanted and how he wanted to get it.

He must have suffered a stroke, Scorpius thought dimly, even as he returned the man's groan with one of his own. But some part of his brain knew that his body was in working order and that it was letting Potter have his way with it. And that just wasn't allowed.

Forcing his mind to click in Scorpius fought to retake control of the situation, the kiss becoming a battle of wills as their tongues dueled each other for heated supremacy. And he was losing, Scorpius realized in shock, the force of Potter's desire blowing his own away. He'd never been kissed or touched this way, with such primal, basic desire. It was so unbelievably arousing that he actually wanted to let Potter have his way. It was mind-boggling.

Breaking off the kiss with a wet pop Al was getting up on tip toes so that he could turn his attentions to Scorpius's neck when it hit him exactly what he was doing. And why it was a big, big no no.

Pushing Scorpius away Al stumbled back, chest heaving as he struggled to take breath as he watched the Slytherin do the same.

"What the hell? Why did you..? What are you up to, Malfoy?"

Pissed off that the other man had regained his head first Scorpius struggled to gain control over his treacherous body. He'd expected the physical aspect of his plan to be a chore. Mildly unpleasant but not completely unbearable. If that kiss was anything to go by he'd been dead wrong. He was hard and aching, he actually wanted the other man, Scorpius realized, blown away by that single fact. He had not expected this.

Not that it was a bad thing, he reminded himself sternly as he met Potter's gaze squarely. That would just make the whole thing that much sweeter.

"You offered me a one night stand. Are you rescinding your offer?"

"You can't be serious."

"I'll be waiting for you in the Room of Requirement after dinner. Show up and I'll show you just how serious I am."

)

Sitting in his last class Al's mind was a million miles away. He might as well not have even been there for all he was getting out of the class. He would have skipped, but Malfoy would have noticed.

Malfoy.

He was sitting in the back as per usual, which was why Al was in the front, also as usual. And he'd never been more aware of the man. Hence his problem. He was working hard to suppress any thoughts about the kiss they'd shared but so far that wasn't going so well.

What the hell was Malfoy up to, Al wondered, doodling with his quill instead of taking notes. Malfoy was not attracted to him, there was just no way. Or so he'd always thought. That had definitely not been a wand in the Slytherin's pocket. Or in his for that matter. But him getting a hard on around the asshole was nothing new, unfortunately. And thw whole thing had definitely not been his imagination.

But Malfoy couldn't seriously be offering to have sex with him, could he? Why would he? If the man wanted to try gay sex there had to be some gay men in the school he didn't hate passionately. It just had to be a prank, Al thought firmly, trying to make his mind believe that. No matter how Malfoy's body had reacted, regardless of the mind-blowing awesomeness that had been that kiss, there was just no way.

The problem was he just couldn't see how this was a prank.

If they did have sex Malfoy would be in even more trouble than him, which meant he didn't mean to screw and tell. Sex tape? Again, he would fare worse than he would. Maybe he intended to get him all hot and bothered and than leave him to suffer? That was a possibility.

His gut said Malfoy was serious though, and he was a man who trusted his gut. But he couldn't see any way that Malfoy would gain from getting naked with him.

Frustrated Al looked at his doodles and scratched them out. Damn it, this was so unfair, he thought darkly. He just didn't have the experience to handle this. It wasn't like he was Casanova or James Bond. He didn't know how not to take sex seriously. Now Malfoy had a thing or two in common with the savvy, slutty spy, Al thought darkly. He'd probably screwed plenty of girls just like he'd said, seducing them so that he could...

Eyes widening Al automatically sat up straight as a light went off over his head. Puzzle pieces falling into place Al suddenly knew exactly what Malfoy was up to. Malfoy did want to have sex with him, but only as a way of gaining power over him. Just like Bond, Malfoy was aiming to use sex as a weapon, as a way of manipulating or using him. The moron might even think he could turn him into his love slave or something, willing to do anything if it meant more sex. Malfoy's ego was a thing to behold after all, the overconfident prick.

Looking at it objectively it was probably the most original plan a Malfoy had come up with in decades. Usually they just tried to kill his ancestors. At least they were learning that that never worked out well for them, which was some progress.

The only problem with this plan was that he was no stupid Bond babe.

Smirking a little Al tried to think of who he was, unable to come up with a single female lead that hadn't ended up in bed with James except for M, who really didn't count. There was always Moneypenny, but everyone knew that she'd have rolled around naked with him in M's office if he'd ever made a serious move.

It took him a good ten minutes, but Al finally decided that he was the fencing chick from the last Bond movie starring Brosnan. Though in this case he was on the side of good and wasn't planning to be run through by Halle Berry anytime soon. But Miranda Frost had been tough, intelligent, and more than up to facing Bond head on. She'd had sex with him because it suited her interests, not just because he'd shown an interest. Frost had manipulated Bond even more than he'd manipulated her, and that was if you could even argue that he'd manipulated her at all.

Yup, he was definitely going to be Frost in this scenario.

He'd follow suit and find out just how good Scorpius Malfoy was between the sheets, Al decided, his mind already formulating plans. Of course he had no intention of letting Malfoy manipulate him into doing anything he wasn't willing to do, but it would be fun to watch the other man try.

And unlike the other Bond babes, he was the one who was gonna get the lovin and do the leaving.