Broken Wings of a Angel
By: Parker Lexington
It's now morning. So I lay here, in my bed, lying on a tear soaked pillow. I try to open my eyes, but they are too heavy from the nightly crying. I try to lean up, but my body aches from thrashing around from the dreams. I can't even escape with sleep anymore; he's in my dreams too.
There is nothing left. There is only one thing left to live for, and that is life. Why did this have to happen to me? Why did he have to choose me for his game? Why did he have to make me fall in love with him? Why God, why? WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?
I let out a sigh of frustration, and turned to my side. I slowly tried to open my eyes again, and they complied. They eased up, and I looked at my bedside alarm clock. It was 4:13 in the morning. Great, just great. Now I get to lie for another 2 hours. Maybe I should do something to occupy my time.
I grabbed my notepad from under my pillow, and wrote an entry about the dream I had, it was so realistic, it was strange…:
It was right after Edward left me in the forest,
I was screaming my head off for him to come back,
But he was no where to be seen.
But then all the sudden everything went black,
Everything started spinning, and swirling.
Then when I opened my eyes again,
Edward was there again.
I was on the ground, moaning in pain.
"Edward…help me…" I reached out for his hand.
He cringed away, with a disgusted look.
"Edward…please…I'm hurt, help me please."
"No Bella, we need a clean break." He glared at me.
"It's not that, just please help me. Take me to Carlisle."
"No Bella, I don't want to, no one wants you"
"It's not that, I just need a doctor Edward." I was pleading now.
"I'm sorry Bella, I just can't do that." Then he left again.
I laid there for hours screaming my head off,
Until I woke up…
That's when I woke up from the horrifying dream. And I knew then, that I am not over Edward, and I will never be. He has my heart, and I will never have it back. 'You're human -- your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind.' Time heals all wounds, my ass. There is no point in living anymore; the light of my life is gone. The huge sparkling, pale moon, of my slightly starred sky has disappear.
But yet…I'm free…I'm free from his lies. I'm free from his overprotecting nature. I'm free from him. One part of me wishes for him to come back, but the other part of me wishes for him to come home. Which side will win one of these days? Will the side that wants him gone win, and I can finally get on with my life. Or will the side that wants him stay, and I will—for every waking moment—wait for him to come home, and I will die alone. Which side will give the bigger fight?
I gripped my notepad even harder in my hands; I grabbed my pen and scribbled so broken hearts, cloudy rainbows, and some more depressing doodles. But while I was doodling, I was thinking over my old thoughts…how I'm free. I truly am. I don't need a stupid sparkling vampire controlling my life anymore. I can live for myself!
I flipped to a new page and scribbled some lines of a poem…didn't like like…ripped it out. Tried it again, didn't like it, ripped it out. Again, I did it, and did it, and did it. After the 12 time, it was perfect. I read over it, and read over it, till I memorized it. It was perfect.
As I sit in my corner and think about your lies,
I have nothing else to do but break down and cry.
You knew it would end,
You knew it would die;
You knew one day we'd say goodbye.
You told me you loved me,
You told me you cared
But the rage inside had slowly flared.
The moments we shared replay in my head
Along with all the sweet lies you said.
You thought it was a game
You thought you'd win
But in the end you felt nothing within.
Deep down inside there was a big empty space
That I now realize you couldn't replace.
Something about you helped me see
That without love I'm finally free.
Free from pain,
Free from lies,
Free from having tear filled eyes.
Without your love I finally see
All the horrible things you did to me.
It's true. It's all true. I'm free. I'm free from his les and slander. I'm free from all the times he lied and told me he loved me. There is no more him. I'm myself now. No one can change that, and no one will. I will be my own person, as I already am. And…oh damn…it's Monday.
I looked at the clock again. 6:02. Good enough to pretend to wake up. I quietly got up, and threw my legs over the side of the bed. I rubbed my face with my hands, and let out a huge sigh. I looked through my fingers, to see my dust covered room. I barely ever used anything anymore. This room was meant for sleep, and privacy.
I stood up, and felt dizzy. I closed my eyes, and when I opened them everything was fuzzy. I rubbed my eyes. Then everything was okay. I walked a few feet to my stereo, and turned it on. It was playing The Kill by 30 Seconds To Mars. I sang along with it.
What if I wanted to break
Laugh it all off in your face
What would you do? (Oh, oh)
What if I fell to the floor
Couldn't take all this anymore
What would you do, do, do?
He wouldn't do anything. He doesn't care anymore. All he cares about is himself, and his stupid game. I jabbed my two purple hoop lip rings into there holes.
Come break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you
It was true, I was finally finished with him. But he already broke me down, he broke me down to nothing but a pulp of myself. I took my diamond stud nose ring and twisted it in. and took my silver eyebrow rings and stuck them in.
What if I wanted to fight
Beg for the rest of my life
What would you do?
You say you wanted more
What are you waiting for?
I'm not running from you (from you)
It's true, if he wanted to break my heart, why didn't he do it faster? It would have saved us both some grieve. Him for wasting his time, mine for losing someone I loved…and still love. But all changes in good time. I thought as I took my rainbow gauges, pushed them in my ears. And grabbed my ruby tragus, and slammed it in.
Come break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you
Look in my eyes
You're killing me, killing me
All I wanted was you
All I needed was you…all I wish I had was you. But I am finished, I'm finished moping around. It's true I miss him—I will forever—But I'll be fine. I walked over to my closet, and pulled out a black thermal long sleeve shirt, some red skinny jeans and slipped them on. Thank God I live in Forks, so I can always where long sleeve shirts!
I tried to be someone else
But nothing seemed to change
I know now, this is who I really am inside.
Finally found myself
Fighting for a chance.
I know now, this is who I really am.
This is who I truly am. I am a drug addict, I am an alcoholic, I am a cutter, and I am me. It's who I truly am. I'm tired of being that stupid push over Bella, now I run my own life. I slipped on my checkered red and black Vans, my white and black striped arm warmers, and red handkerchief scarf.
Ah, ah
Oh, oh
Ah, ah
I walked downstairs to see my Charlie eating breakfast. He and I barely even talk anymore. Well we used to barely talk, but now it's even worse. "Hey Bella, how did you sleep? You barely screamed last night." He explained with a grin. I'm glad he thinks I'm doing better. The truth is that if he knew what was making me better, he wouldn't be that happy. I knew he wouldn't. No one would be. But know one knows, and know one will.
"Ya Dad. The dreams are getting better, so the sleep is too. How did you sleep?" I said with a small smile. He hasn't had a good night sleep since I had. I knew living here wasn't a good idea right now. But where would I go? So I'm just going to stay here for now, and everything is going to be okay in a while. Because I'm not going to be here.
Before he could respond I grabbed an energy bar, and back upstairs. I went to the bathroom and did my makeup. Lots of eyeliner, black smoky eye shadow, juicy red lips, and I painted my nails black. I walked back into my room and grabbed my flat brimmed red cap, and My Chemical Romance hoodie. I looked at the clock, and it was 7:36. Time to go to school. I walked back downstairs, and grabbed my car keys and my penguin backpack. I walked out to my truck, and hopped in. I stuck the keys into the ignition, and drove off to Forks High School.
I parked in my usual space, right at the end of the parking lot, underneath a bunch of trees. I walked out of the undergrowth, and walked to the benches. I put down my backpack, and pulled out a pen and my notepad. I started doodling, I doodled, and doodle, and doodled. I looked at my Ni Hao Kai Lan watch, and saw that it was 7:54. Huh…1 hour and 6 more minutes. (A/N: Sorry…my school starts at 9:00) I was the only one at the school so far, and I'm glad I was. I don't need their crap right now….
I sat there, doodling for 30 more minutes. Until…I saw a snowy white hand lay upon my paper.
Could it be?
A/N: OH! Cliffy! Sorry haven't updated in a while, its just that finals are coming up and such and such, and such…