Lilith
Lilith smashed her fist into her desk with immense force, knocking over the coffee cup hanging precariously over the edge onto the floor. "Well shit."
"That about sums it up," spoke Mordecai bluntly, Talon perched obediently on his master's shoulder. The bird was similar to Bloodwing, but black where the original had been brown. It was silent, looking around the room analytically in case something approached.
"You alright, Lil?" asked Brick, his steel gauntlets on the table in front of him. Compared to everyone else, his chair looked comically too small to support his massive body, though it seemed to manage well enough.
"Yeah, just bloody pissed off," snapped the Siren. "I thought we'd have more time to prepare. We don't have nearly the numbers we need to face whatever this King is."
"He's damn powerful," grunted Axton, painfully grabbing at his left shoulder. It had taken most of the brunt from being thrown several dozen meters, and even after all the medicine he had pumped into it, it still possessed an ache like nothing else. "And that point he had just woken up. He's likely stronger once he really wakes up."
"It doesn't look very good," agreed Maya. She had trimmed her hair back rather far in the past six months, giving her a more gothic look that kept any hair from entering her eyes.
"Not at all," grunted Salvador, the short but massive man's feet barely hanging from above the floor, a fact he resented since no one else had the same problem.
Zer0 merely shook his head, preferring to remain silent.
"WHAT ARE WE FLAPPING OUR MEAT GUMS ABOUT?!" roared Krieg confused.
"So, what, we gonna sit here feeling sorry for ourselves or do something about it?" snapped Gaige boldly. "How many Vault Hunters do we have besides us?"
At this Mordecai adjusted his collar, growing nervous. He was the one in charge of recruitment, and clearly it hadn't been going well. "Well…uh…well it's only been six months and…I've been taking care of Talon, so…"
"How many?" demanded Lilith sternly.
"Twelve."
She gaped at him, stunned. "We only have twelve Vault Hunters?"
"No. Applicants. Twelve applicants."
Lilith sat back in her seat, rubbing the back of her head exasperated. "Zer0?"
"Yes ma'am?"
"Strangle Mordecai."
"Yes ma'am."
"Wait, wait, wait!" begged the hunter before a steely pair of hands grabbed his throat and began shaking him. Talon squawked in protest and flapped his wings, furiously pecking and clawing at Zer0, who didn't notice through his metal armor.
"No…one…wanted…the…job…!" he protested.
"Handsome Jack had hundreds of idiots signing up for him, and we only get twelve?" argued Lilith.
"He…had…whole…galaxy…I…only…had…Pandora's…system…"
The Siren sighed. It was likely his only argument, but it was a good one. "Zer0, stop."
The assassin nodded, releasing the hunter and sitting back down.
"I want them assembled in our lobby," spoke Lilith commandingly. "We're doing flash interviews today."
"Does that mean we don't have standards today?" inquired Axton.
"Today, I'd take a monkey with a shotgun if it knew how to follow orders and not crap all over my floors," replied the Siren honestly. "We need anyone even slightly competent."
Lilith and Co.
Lilith stared in astonishment at the twelve people before her. She glared at Mordecai. "These are my applicants?"
"Best and brightest," bragged Mordecai.
Lilith highly doubted that. She walked down the line, stopping at the very first person. She looked straight up, astonished by the man's height. That quickly faded and was replaced by disgust when she saw his face.
The man was a walking corpse. His skin was grey and rotting, several maggots walking amongst the holes in his skin. His eyes were deep yellow, as if he had injected paint into them, and his hair was deep old white color going down to his waist. He wore ragged black robes over his skeletal body, though nothing covered his hands or feet, exposing the foul nails and skin.
"…you're a zombie," noted Lilith.
"And you're observant," spoke the zombie calmly, in a voice similar to a certain detective who lived on Baker Street.
"…who are you?"
The zombie grinned, bowing with a dramatic flourish. "I am Sir Robert of Bleaklight. Master of Magic, Flayer of Men, Immortal Scourge, Kinslayer, and Frequent Jaywalker. A pleasure to meet you."
"Frequent Jaywalker?" repeated Lilith skeptically.
"I'm most proud of that one," he said smirking.
She looked at the man next to him, the only one not bothered by the fact he was a walking corpse. The man was dressed in heavy metal armor, a large broadsword strapped to his back. For all intents and purposes, he looked like a knight straight from a medieval tale.
"And who are you supposed to be?"
The knight bowed his head. "Paladin Svyatogor." His voice was heavy and thick, sounding as if he was speaking through vodka gelatin shots.
"Svi-what?"
"Svyatogor."
"Well…you seem fine with Robert here. You two know each other?"
"Yes, actually. We're close friends."
She glanced at the zombie and the knight, eyebrows raised. "Uh-huh. Of course."
She spared a glare at Mordecai before continuing down the line. She was stopped by a protruding belly sticking out from the line, massive in its size.
"Oh, beg pardon miss," spoke the belly, though that likely came from the head attached to it. Hopefully.
The owner of the belly tuckered back, two enormous hands slamming onto it. She looked at the man, noting how he was built just as strong as Salvador or Brick, but far fatter. He was covered in tattoos and wore no shirt, though he did wear one killer pair of pants.
"First time I met a guy's belly before his face," she noted blandly.
The man chuckled, scratching at the back of his head. "Sorry bout that miss. Figured we gotta stand in line all straight and orderly, but this had other plans." He slapped his belly to accentuate exactly what this was. His voice was similar to the Zafords, though his immense size made it far deeper.
She smiled softly. While he was the furthest thing from pretty, the man had a gruff simpleton attitude about him that was so sincere it would be rude to not at least grow fond of it. "What's your name, big guy?"
"Walden Stormbelly miss," answered the man. "Well, not the miss part, just Walden…you get it, you get it."
"I do. Interesting name. Care to explain how you got it?"
"Well…uh…you see I got it one night from eating a whole tray of enchiladas, and…"
"Good thing they didn't call you Walden Smellyass," she noted dryly.
"It didn't roll of the tongue as well," he said grinning.
She smirked. She decided she liked this guy, even though he was built like a pregnant refrigerator.
She moved to the next person, noting how this person looked normal. Well, normal was a strong word for a Vault Hunter to use. Compared to the last three, the body armor the person was wearing was sensible and functional, the hair kept in a ponytail behind the head.
"Damn, that is some good looking armor," whistled Lilith studying the woman head to feet.
"You gonna ogle me some more or ask some question?" inquired the armored woman boldly. She clearly wasn't intimidated by the Siren, or her reputation.
"I just might," argued Lilith defensively. "Not that many good-looking sights on Pandora. I'm amazed Moxxi hasn't eaten you alive."
"She tried."
"And?"
"I asked her if she wanted a shot between the eyes to ruin her face or in the heart to ruin her breasts."
"That isn't a good choice. Both are really nice."
"Yeah," murmured Walden blushing.
"What's your name?" asked the Siren.
"Amber. Dominique Amber."
"Well Amber, you seem all sorts of like a no-nonsense bitch who probably makes every ECHOnet feminazi pair of panties drop to the floor," grunted Lilith honestly. "I like that. But if you go around castrating my boys, I'm going to bury you up to your neck in sand and get skags to bone your skull."
"Whoa, super graphic Lilith," murmured Mordecai disgusted.
"Seems fair," spoke the woman. "But call me anything related to those bra-burning psychopaths, and I'll ruin both your face and breasts."
"Fair enough."
Lilith went to the next person, getting a double take at someone she had almost passed.
"Are you a black samurai?" she asked simply.
"My name is Elijah Kato," stated the man adjusting his katana.
"…this is every tabletop fantasy roleplay and anime I have ever done and watched," she said grinning. "This is so cool it hurts."
"I am grateful you like the idea of my very existence," grunted Elijah sarcastically.
"See! You're even snarky! It's like someone ripped you right out of every nerd's letter to Santa Claus! Right beside the new computer build and body pillow of course."
She turned to the guy she had nearly skipped, recoiling slightly. The man was perfectly still, but that was only the first brick in an entire building of creepy. He was tall and thin, appearing like a starvation victim. His attire was velvet armor stripped with flecks of gold, though what was on his head was the cherry on top. He was wearing a gold mask, apparently made of pure gold judging by the shine. The mask was vaguely skull-like, a large smile etched onto the front to curve with his face. His eyes were exposed, both of them pale white.
"Well if you're not the creepiest fucking thing I've seen all day," murmured Lilith. "And that's against some stiff competition with a dead guy in our ranks."
"I have a name!" shouted Robert exasperated.
The man bowed, putting full swagger into it. "My apologies, miss. I realize my ambience might be macabre, but rest assured it is fulfilled for the sole intention of style alone. My intent was not to frighten."
"Well it is stylish, I'll give it that. You got a name, masked man?"
"I am Mason Maliwan, rightful heir to the Maliwan corporation."
Amber stiffened, turning to face him. "Wait a minute…Mason…"
She ripped her assault rifle off her back, cocking it and aiming right at him.
Elijah threw himself between her and Mason, Svyatogor grabbing Amber by her arms.
"Let go of me!" ordered the mercenary. "That man doesn't deserve to live! He barely deserves the bullets needed to kill him!"
"That's a bold claim," noted Lilith. "Normally I wouldn't step in, but this time I have to. We need all the recruits we can get."
"You don't want him! That man is a psychopath!"
"Ah, Miss Amber, that's unfair," protested Mason. "I'm merely an artist of gunpowder and blood. Whether my patrons can understand my work is irrelevant."
Lilith didn't like the talk of artistry, but decided she hadn't seen enough of Mason to judge him completely. "No one is shooting anybody, and that's final. You don't like it, get out of my city."
Amber lowered her rifle, Svyatogor releasing her.
"You're making a mistake," grunted Amber, but she stepped back into line regardless.
Lilith sighed, walking to the next. She noted how the person before her hadn't noticed the entire situation earlier, too busy bobbing his head to the music. The man was dressed in a bright green jumpsuit, his upper body covered in electronic equipment. He was dancing in place as well, with rather slick moves Lilith admitted.
"Yo, snazzy pants," she said calmly.
The man didn't hear her, his eyes closed to fully hear his music.
"Hey!"
The man paused, noticing the Siren. He removed his headphones, grinning sheepishly. "Oh, sorry."
"Freaking hell, how loud do you listen to that?" asked Lilith astonished.
"Well my ears aren't getting any younger," admitted the man.
"What's your name?"
"Harmonious Ling. My friends call me Ling."
"Wait, the Ling?" asked Lilith astonished. "That new electronic music artist?"
"Oh, you heard of me? I'm flattered. Would you like an autograph? I already gave your friend Mordecai one."
"Thanks for signing my knife by the way!" shouted Mordecai.
Lilith looked the DJ up and down. "So what does an aspiring musician want to find here?"
"Inspiration!" shouted Ling grinning widely. "Best way to make art is to see all sorts of things, and Vault Hunters seem to have that in the job description."
"If you were curious, that is the reason I am present as well," spoke Mason.
Lilith shrugged. "Well, as long as you can fight, welcome aboard."
She went to the next person, noting that she would've found this one unusual save for everyone else she had just met.
"…you're a robot," she stated looking up at it.
"Yes," spoke the robot. It was vaguely humanoid in structure, its skin dark black metal and reflective. It had a singular ocular port where its face would've normally been, with nothing else there to indicate facial expressions. It wore purple robes over its torso and legs, though its hands and feet were uncovered, revealing they were composed of four long digits. It managed to avoid the uncanny valley by not being too human-like, simply looking like a robot.
"…what's your name, uh…are you a dude or…do you robots have genders?"
"I am a Systemic Hardwired Applications Worker unit. We do not possess genders. It is a pleasure to meet you."
"…SHAW?"
"That is the acronym, yes. If you wish to refer to this one as SHAW, that is acceptable."
"…why are you here?"
"To understand humans."
"By shooting them?"
"By working with them."
"…there's someone you should meet later. Anyway, welcome aboard."
Lilith stepped over to the next man in line, or in this case, woman in line. The woman wore a black and red business suit with skirt, looking every bit as regal as everyone else looked warlike. However, the pistol and SMG on her side clearly indicated she belonged there, and what really caught Lilith's eye was the red tattoo stretching down from her right eyebrow down past her neck.
"No way," whispered Lilith astonished. "Are you a Siren?"
"Yes," answered the woman with no trace of emotion.
They both stood facing the other, Lilith not sure how to react. She had hugged Maya upon meeting her, but this woman was the very image of calm professionalism. Most peculiarly, she saw a dangerous tint in the other woman's eyes, as if she was two steps from pulling out that pistol and shooting someone.
"So…what do you do?" asked Lilith awkwardly.
The woman grinned, flicking her right wrist. Immediately from behind her stepped an exact copy of herself, save for glowing red eyes.
"Take a guess," stated the two of them simultaneously.
"Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!" roared Robert from the other side of the line.
"Ignore him!" yelled Svyatogor. "He's just bored since no one is paying attention to him!"
"That may or may not be true!"
The new Siren made her clone disappear, smirking. "My name is Beatrice. It's a pleasure to meet another Siren."
"Yeah! We should…totally hang out sometime! Maybe get a couple beers, watch some Netflix, maybe even pick up some guys at a bar?"
"Perhaps. I'd like to be a Vault Hunter first though."
"That's understandable. We'll talk later."
She reached the next man, though she knew for a fact this person wasn't even human. The person was tall and thin, and while humanoid, had metallic grey skin and black facial markings. It wore regal blue armor, bright pink decals on the edges of its armor.
"…you're an Eridian, aren't you?" asked Lilith.
"Yes," spoke the Eridian calmly. "My name is Tiberius."
"…I am going to skip you right now, because I got a whole lot of shit to talk to you about in a later chapter. Just wait right here."
She moved on quickly, now anxious. She paused and looked down, noting how short the penultimate person in front of her was. The person was wearing bright white armor with a respirator built into the lower jaw, making their breathing heavy and mechanical. Their eyes were covered in yellow tinted goggles, a wide metal hat atop their head.
"…and what are you supposed to be, albino Darth Vader?" asked Lilith.
The person spoke in a deep synthesized voice, the respirator disguising their own voice. "I am Doctor Richter. I have been a practicing medical officer for ten years."
"Zed isn't going to like that," murmured Mordecai sarcastically. "Well, good to have someone with medical experience on our side. Welcome aboard."
She reached the last man in the line, looking up at the mountain of the man before her. "And just who are you?"
The man, previously silent before, breathed in deep and bellowed in a voice as big as his presence, "Well I am point guard John Havoc, the best battleball player this side of Eden-6! I am here to kick some ass and dunk some heads! I like long walks on the beach, giving penalties, and fistfights in the back of bars!"
"Okay, okay, bloody hell stop yelling," murmured Lilith rubbing her ears. "So you're a…what, some sort of celebrity?"
"Hell yeah! I am astonished you do not know me! I have the most penalties scored per game than any player in history! Fifth most dunks per game as well, though the other four morons are dead, so I can keep working up to that!"
"…well you're just a ball of charm. I'll get to you in turn, don't worry."
She sighed, looking down at the twelve rejects that had been presented to her. These were the recruits, the new generation of Vault Hunters. She didn't trust any of them as far as she could throw them. They were psychopaths, egomaniacs, and more importantly, completely insane.
They were perfect.
"Alright, let's get you all evaluated!" she shouted.
"Evalu-what now?" inquired Walden.
"Oh, we need to make sure your minds are in proper condition for the job," spoke Mordecai.
"Whelp, it was nice knowing all of you," stated Robert grinning.
[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale]: "Okay, I want to make some predictions right here."
[Richard McGuinness]: "Well, drop it down."
[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale]:"That Doctor Richter whoever is Saprus reincarnated."
[Richard McGuinness]:"Totally agree."
[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale]:"SHAW is a robot version of Wolfenstein."
[Richard McGuinness]:"...I can see that."
[Richard McGuinness]:"Mason is probably a more psychotic version of Paula."
[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale]:"Okay, okay, makes sense."
[Richard McGuinness]:"And...well that's about it. The other people are too diffrent to guess who they emulate from the last story."
[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale]:"So do you think we sufficiently confused the newer viewers?"
[Richard McGuinness]:"Totally."
[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale]:"Excellent."