The Life and Times of Mr. P. I. Weasley.
Dear Readers,
Greetings.
In the last chapter I dispelled the myth that somehow I am not a Weasley and that I have no place at The Burrow. This is utter rubbish, I care deeply for my family and am loved by them in return. I have made many foolish mistakes, it is true, but they are still my family.
In this segment I would like to eliminate the myth that I am a hard, callous person who has no friends and cares only for my studies. I do have friends, many of them in fact, one of whom is my classmate and house mate, Oliver Wood.
Please learn and enjoy.
P. Weasley
Chapter Two: Refusing to Drive
"Oliver, I am completely convinced that this is a Very Bad Plan."
"Nonsense. It'll be invigorating."
"Oliver…"
"Lighten up! I promise that you won't die."
"You're scaring me."
"And you're being a girl. I have driven before, you know. Now, get in."
"No."
"Pardon?"
"I absolutely refuse to put my life in your hands."
"Oh please! Who ever heard of a wizard dying in a car crash?"
"There is a first time for everything."
"Percy, you're so anal that you won't die today because it would ruin all your plans. I'll bet you've got a schedule up until the day you die."
"…"
"You don't!"
"I merely plan ahead, unlike someone who doesn't even know what they'll be doing after graduation."
"I live life on the edge!"
"Far too close to it, in my opinion."
"What will you do if you live longer than you planned for?"
"Thank Merlin that I didn't drive with you!"
"Come on Weasley, this is ridiculous. You're acting like you have never been in a car before."
"I have, many times. However it is not the mode of transport that I protest to as to the driver."
"I'm wounded! I passed my test with flying colours!"
"And yet I still won't travel with you."
"Do you let Penelope drive?"
"On occasions."
"And you won't drive with me!"
"She has a muggle-background. She is used to cars."
"My great-aunt Thelma was a squib."
"That doesn't count."
"Will it count if I snog you?"
"…"
"Percy?"
"Does Katie know that you have come out of the closet?"
"Hey! I'm not gay!"
"Oh really?"
"Yes really!"
"Then why do you constantly wear that tight black turtleneck jumper?"
"It keeps me warm."
"In an enchanted school where it is never cold?"
"Let me guess, Hogwarts: A History?"
"No, just deciphering the facts."
"What facts?"
"Well, you know, it gets to below zero outside and yet my arse has never frozen to the toilet seat."
"Yeah, well there are other explanations for that."
"What do you mean? What explanations?"
"You use a warming charm every time you use the loo."
"I do not!"
"Weasley, I share a room with you. I know these things."
"…"
"…"
"Are you sure you're not gay?"
"Weasley!"
"Hey, I'm not the one who is stalking me."
"That made no sense."
"Shut up."
"No. Now, get in the car."
"What car?"
"The one you are leaning on. Get. In."
"I think not."
"I will force you!"
"I'd like to see you try."
"I'm Quidditch Keeper."
"I'm too young to die."
"I'm stronger than you."
"I'm a Weasley, which means that I'm half stubborn and half obstinate. I'm not moving."
"…"
"…"
"You really are a jack-ass, aren't you?"
"Yes."
"Is there anyway I can convince you?"
"Only one."
"Which is?"
"Let me drive."
"WHAT? NO!"
"Then you will be apologizing to Katie on your own."
"Percy, don't do that! I need you to tell her how sorry I am."
"Wood, exactly how did you get me to help you again?"
"Blackmail."
"Oh yes. Bastard."
"Insults are like water off a duck's back, my friend."
"A relatively stupid argument."
"Did you know a duck's quack doesn't echo, and nobody knows why?"
"Did you know that you're an imbecile, and nobody knows why?"
"Leave the insults to Fred and George. You're terrible at them."
"Keep on like that, Wood, and I'll tell Katie your batting for the other team."
"Weasley!"
"It won't help your apology, will it?"
"Well, since you won't help me I won't be able to apologise anyway!"
"Doesn't fuss me."
"Oh, thanks for the sympathy."
"Your welcome."
"…"
"…"
"Please?"
"No."
"…"
"Stop making baby faces. You look pathetic."
"It makes an improvement on stupid and ugly!"
"…"
"Did I just insult myself?"
"I think so."
"Bugger."
"Indeed."
"Come on, please!"
"No."
"Percy, please. I really need you to help me with this one. I can't do it alone."
"Oh fine. But you owe me."
"Really?"
"Yes. Ten Galleons."
"Ten!"
"Per meter."
"Get in the car, you bastard."
"Yes sir."
"Thank you. Now…"
"You will find the ignition on the other side of the wheel."
"The what?"
"The place where you put the key."
"Oh! Thanks!"
"This does not instill me with confidence."
"Pfft! I'm a natural. My great-aunt Thelma had two cars!"
"Oh, well that has eased my fears."
"You know, sarcasm doesn't become you."
"Wood…"
"Yes?"
"There's a stop sign ahead."
"And?"
"STOP!"
"MERLIN'S SPLEEN!"
"WOOD!"
"Sorry! I was too busy talking to you!"
"Right! That's it! Let me out NOW!"
"But we have to go to Katie's!"
"We'll fly."
"I can't turn up all scruffy!"
"It's called windswept and dishevelled. Ladies love it."
"How do you know?"
"Unlike some, I have a girlfriend who is currently speaking to me."
"That, my friend, was a low blow."
"I try. Come on, give me a broom."
"Why would I have a broom?"
"Don't try that innocent thing, Wood. I know you keep at least three in the trunk of your car."
"I refuse to be wind-dishevelled."
"Fine! We'll apparate!"
"We can't!"
"Why in Merlin's name not?"
"Myfaishwampimo…"
"Pardon?"
"I failed my test."
"You FAILED?"
"Kind of."
"Oliver!"
"Don't you act all motherly, Weasley! Yes, I failed, and I'm proud of it! So there!"
"Please ignore my friend, Ma'am, he's out on a day pass."
"Shut it Weasley."
"Temper Wood! Come on, let's fly there."
"I can't-"
"Look, you can't apparate there. I refuse to drive there. We'll compromise and fly."
"How is that a compromise?"
"We will both be at a disadvantage. I will have to listen to your gloating over my somewhat less-than-superior flying skills, and you will look unkempt when you apologise to the love of your life."
"Which could be a bonus."
"Which could be a bonus."
"Fine, you sold me. Here, I'll even give you the better broom so you can keep up with me."
"Bastard."
"Jack-ass."
I have had many enjoyable moments in my life, some with my family, some with my friends. Sometimes it was over extravagant pranks or excursions, and sometimes it was just over refusing to drive.
Many thanks go to Heather the Weird and Crystal Lightning. I'm glad they thought that I captured my essence perfectly. I would only ask that in future reviews are addressed to me and not to Author Gal. She only hosts my stories as she does not have the skills needed to correctly preserve them in writing.
Many thanks,
P.Weasley
P.S. When I owled this to Oliver recently, he asked that I assure the readers that he is not homosexual, and that Katie and he are married with children and quite happy together. I was best man at his wedding, and can vouch for his happiness. Thank you.